At a loss....

Do you ever wish you could turn back time?

And change history?

I sure do 

I feel sick to my stomach about what has gone on in the comments section of my blog the last couple of days 

I also learned a big lesson

Just because it happened 

Doesn't mean I have to blog about it

Which leads me to think that maybe I am being too honest on my blog 

Maybe I should censor myself a bit more

And not be so frank all the time 

Maybe I should take a break from blogging to asses where I am at 

Because I am not in a good place

The reason I am upset today 

Is not just what happened with Marla

But because this is the second time this suggestion has been brought to my attention

I don't know if you remember Loulou who used to be a close friend of mine 

We texted and emailed every day

She was good to me

And I did my best to help her

She also brought it to my attention the idea that our community is not healthy 

I disagreed with her

And we had a huge argument 

All through texts

And I haven't heard from her since

Thdt must be about a year ago now

So this tension with Marla reminds me of Loulou 

And makes me question myself 

And my motives for writing 

And the support we give each other 

I don't know if you read the anonymous comment left on my last point 

The writer brought up a lot of good points 

It was food for thought for sure

After everything that happened yesterday 

I had a long chat with my mother 

We talked about where I am at 

And what I need to do to keep moving forward 

Of course the subject of meds came up

As it always does 

I've agreed to let my mother take responsibility of my meds from now on

As I just can't trust myself 

Ive decided not to speak to my doctor about it 

But I will speak to Breda when I see her next week 

My mother also reminded me 

That back in August 

I told her that I was going to use this year to get a good foundation in my recovery 

Thdt I was going to take my meds correctly 

Go to meetings 

And stay in touch with friends 

I have done none if these things so far

I haven't been to a meeting in months 

I'm abusing my meds 

And I've lost touch with all my friends 

So the only social outlet I have is here on my blog

That can't be healthy 

I know I need to focus on my real life relationships more 

I am stuck at the monent 

I acknowledge that 

I've come a long way

But thdt doesn't mean I stop where I am 

There is still a long long way to go

After speaking with my mum last night 

I asked her to help me

To help me with my meds 

To help me get to meetings 

Which I have decided to go back to

As they do help

And keep me grounded in my recovery 

I know I will need support to get back on track 

Last night was horrible 

I couldn't look at the rest of the comments until this morning 

I felt so bad for Marla

And so guilty for my actions 

I spoke to my mum about blogging

And if it is healthy for me 

She made the point that a lot more positive things have come out of it than negative

That is true

95% of the feedback I get on my blog is positive 

And so many cool things have happened recently 

Being asked to do write for different publications 

And being able to help others 

So I won't stop blogging 

I will continue to write 

Just maybe not in the same way 

Today I am wondering if in fact this community is as healthy and productive as we think it is

Yes we are all friends 

Yes we support each other 

But are we being honest with each other? 

Are we telling each other what we want to hear

Or what we need to hear?

I am undecided on this right now 

I'm just not sure 

Marla made a point 

And I am wondering if there is any truth in it

I think back to my stints in treatment 

And remember how we all competed to be the sickest 

The thinnest 

Who needed the most attention from staff

I'm wondering if I Ruby do seek approval 

To be told that I am ok

Thdt I have come a long way

And therefore don't need to go any further

I don't profess to be perfect

I am the anthisesis of perfection

And am no poster girl for recovery 

But I need to keep plugging away at my recovery 

And keep fighting for my life 

I am honest here 

Probably to a fault 

And now I don't where to go from here 

Do I keep blogging as usual?

Do I take a break?

I'm still thinking about these things 

Because I need to get my priorities straight if I truly want to recover 

Which I do 

I guess I have some serious thinking to do

To reevaluate where I am at 

Jo made  the point yesterday 

That we need to stick together 

Because we are all in the some boat 

We shouldn't be pulling each other down

She is so right 

I don't want to argue with anyone 

And I certainly don't want to hurt anyone

Marla has emailed me

And she is ok 

But she is not going to read anymore 

I feel sad about this 

That she came to my blog looking for support

And ended up in the eye of a storm 

I learned some hard lessons over the past couple of days 

Next time 

I will think before I write