In this life...

Recently 

A strange feeling has come upon me

It has sneaked up on me 

Like a fox in the night 

I wasn't sure what it was at first

It felt so strange 

So foreign

Like nothing I have ever experienced before

It's only today

This morning in fact

That I realised what it is

It's happiness

At least I think it is

For the longest time 

I was so very numb

Between my ED and my addiction 

Happiness was not something that I experienced very much 

From the age of 13

I had been in trouble

In school 

Then after I left school 

My life began to implode 

I honestly don't think that up until this point

I had ever experienced happiness

Or anything approaching happiness

Contentment 

Satisfaction 

They were all foreign concepts to me

My twenties were a right off

Up until the age of 25 I was addicted to drugs 

And my ED was always there 

In the back ground 

I swear I went for years without laughing 

Or even smiling 

But recently 

I find myself laughing more and more

I firmly believe that laughter is good for the soul 

There is nothing better than a good belly laugh 

Nothing 

Over the last 15 months 

My life has turned around to the point that I don't even recognise it

And my families lives 

When I got ill

My whole family became ill

We were in such a bad way for years 

It is such a relief to have finally come out the other side 

There was a point in time 

When four out of the six members of my family were in active addiction

It was nothing short of a living nightmare 

Thinking back 

I'm not quite sure how we got through it 

I'm not sure how my mother stayed sane

It was utter chaos and devastation

But one by one 

We all got clean and sober 

And now we all have a good bit of recovery time behind us 

We've all done it in different ways

We have found what works for us 

As my mother often says 

Given what this family has been through 

We are not doing too badly at all

I haven't felt happiness in so long 

That I'm not even sure what it feels like

All I know is that I feel good 

I dont want to hurt or kill myself 

So that is a start 

I don't want to be anyone else

I am content to be me

I feel ok in my skin 

I don't want to be bigger or smaller

I don't crave an emaciated body 

I don't measure my worth in pounds and ounces

In fact I don't weigh at all

I measure my happiness and self worth by my actions 

By looking after myself

And my dogs 

By being a good person

And doing the right thing 

Most of the time 

I spent much of my life 

Looking at other girls 

And wishing I head their hair, legs, tan, shoes....

I put together the perfect body 

Using body parts from different girls 

I hated my own body

Hated my face

I was convinced that I was butt ugly 

And there was nothing I could do to improve my looks

And my body 

I hated it also 

I hated that I wasnt taller 

Leaner 

That my legs had no shape 

And my feet were deformed 

But now 

Now I see things a bit differently 

Yes

I have inherited my mothers hammer toe and bunions

But it could be so much worse 

They are things that I can deal with

And yes I am short at 5'4

But that's ok 

I'm of an average weight 

Yes 

I will never have a supermodel body 

But that's ok too

I remember when I was in treatment 

I was told that I had a petite hour glass shape 

That is not too shabby 

And better than a kick in the face 

Yes I have days when I literally want to die because I feel I have no redeeming features

I have days when I try on my whole wardrobe

And still can find nothing to wear 

I have my bad days 

Days when I just want to lie on the floor and scream and cry because my favourite jeans no longer fit me

The point is 

That most days are ok

Most days are good 

Most days I can leave the house feeling ok in my skin 

And that 

I can deal with

So much has happened in the last year

I regained weight to a healthy range 

I gave up smoking 

And 14 months later

Continue to be a non smoker

I decreased my purging by a huge amount

But the real changes 

The vital changes

Are the ones that have happened in my mind 

My thinking 

My beliefs 

And though process has dramatically changed 

I have come to realise that I can deal with life without relying on drugs or my ED

I've come to see that I am not a bad person 

And that for me is one of the biggest and best realisations 

Not only am I not a bad person

I am actually a good person

I am just a girl 

Who wants to live her life the best she can 

I want to live in my community

Quietly and harmoniously 

I want to look after my dogs

Walk then 

Feed them 

Love them

I want to be a productive member of society

I want to be valued 

And known as a reliable and good person

I have also come to realise 

That I am hugely blessed

I have a strong family around me

Who have carried me through my recovery on a wave of love and support 

My Mother 

Who continues to be my biggest cheerleader 

Is my rock 

My backbone

Over the years 

She has literally picked me up many times 

And have me a reason to keep going

I have siblings

And being the youngest of four 

I am forever treated as the baby 

I am so lucky to have had such amazing people in my life 

Family 

Friends 

Sponsors 

Mentors 

They have all been there exactly when I needed them

I am lucky that I come from a middle class family 

And have never struggled for money 

That is huge 

As it means that I never went without 

Even when times were tough 

Now

In my thirties 

It feels like I am finally figuring things out

Heck I got measured for my first bra at the grand ol' age of 34

And we all know what a revelation that was

My twenties were a blur of drugs and alcohol and starvation

My thirties feel clear and steady and mature 

So yes

I think I might be happy

My family are all in a good place 

My sister came home from Australia 

Which was amazing

She was sorely missed

And it's so good to have her home 

My health is good 

My mental health is good 

I feel part of things 

I am an active member of our community here

And this community means so much to me

You ladies 

Who have been staunch supporters of mine

I can never express the love and gratitude I feel for you amazing ladies

You have been with me every step of the way over the last 3 and a half years

This blog has saved my life 

And my sanity 

Over and over again

I am so honoured to be part of our little community 

I have met the most wonderful people through my blog 

People who I now call friends 

I hope I can maintain this feeling

I feel so positive about my life at the moment

Yes I am not perfect 

And there is still a lot of work to be done 

But right here

Right now 

I feel content 

I feel happy 

I feel ok to be me 

Because I am doing my best to be a good person 

And that is enough for me  

It's taken me a long long time 

But I finally feel like I know what I am doing 

Where I am going 

And what I want out of life 

I feel happy to be alive 

And that my friends 

Is a miracle