ED Update

Things are tough over here in ED central

The purging has well and truly wormed it's way back in to my life

Especially in the evenings

And when I am on my own

In the evenings

My family usually gathers in the living room

I use that opportunity to eat in the kitchen

And purge

When I was first put on Prozac

It really helped with my bingeing

And I managed to reduce my purging to a couple of times a week 

That stayed that way for about a year

But a couple of months ago

My purging gradually started to increase again

Why?

I can't answer that 

I really don't know why 

Now I'm back to purging up to ten times a day

Take yesterday for example 

My mum and sister drove my Auntie B to the airport 

And I was alone at home for a few hours 

I started off with soup

And two slices of bread and butter

Purge 

Then a ham salad 

With lettuce

Spring onion

Potato salad 

And coleslaw 

Purge 

Then I had noodles 

Purge 

Pasta 

Purge 

Tune sandwich 

Purge 

And the day just continued like that 

Literally walking in circles 

From the kitchen to the bathroom

Over and over again 

Like a women possessed 

It's exhausting 

Draining 

Utterly soul destroying 

I hate it 

But I can't stop

I'm stuck in this binge/purge cycle

I'm craving certain foods the way I used to crave heroin

I need to stop though

I can't go on like 

 this 

I can't live like this 

It's going to kill me 

Sooner or later 

If this job does work out 

I need to get myself together 

I'm going to need energy to do the job

So I need to eat properly 

Giving myself enough energy and nourishment to get through the day

And I need to start practising that straight away 

I'm seeing Mary this week

So I will talk it out with her 

And make a plan for the next few months 

Both food wise 

And occupation wise 

The thought of this job is keeping me going at the moment 

But I need to be prepared for the fact that it might not work out

I need to have a plan B

And I guess that will be volunteering 

Either with animals 

Or the elderly 

I would be happy doing either one

I'm trying to stay positive 

But the truth is 

I am afraid I won't get the job 

I think about what they are looking for 

And I'm pretty sure it's not a former drug addict with various mental health issues

But the thing is 

I know I could do a good job 

I know I could thrive and grow and blossom in this position 

I'm a doer 

I like to be busy 

I like to be around people 

And help people 

This job is all of those things 

It's like it was made especially for me 

I just hope I get to make a case for myself at the interview 

I'm not too bad at interviews 

The manger told me that there would be three interviewers

Which sounds a bit daunting 

But I will give it my best shot 

I can do know more 

Weight wise 

I could do with putting on a few pounds 

My BMI is just over 18

And I don't think it suits me

I look better when my my BMI is a around 20

So I will work on it 

Thank you so much  for all your suppor recently 

It means so much to me that you are all behind me 

And encourages me to realise my hopes and dreams 

I just hope that I can do the same for you too

Thank you!! X