Tuesday 12 January

January is a tough month

It's dark

It's cold

It's so very hard to get up of a morning

It's getting so cold that we are expecting snow 

Now I happen to love snow

But only if I don't have to go out in it

Lying in bed this morning

The wind howling

The rain pelting off the window 

It feels like the end of the world it's so noisy

Trying to get up out of a warm cosy bed is sheer torture

The dogs woke me up this morning

Lea began barking at about 8am

I always get up when I hear Lea

As she only ever barks when she has to pee

So I jumped out of bed 

Ran to the kitchen 

In to the utility room

Where Lea was waiting patiently at the back door 

I let her out 

And promptly ran back down to bed

Where I allowed myself another 15 glorious minutes 

So far 

In this post 

I am doing a sterling job at writing about anything other than how I am struggling at the moment 

I am struggling 

And it's nothing to do with the time of year

Or the cold 

Or the darkness 

I feel like I am dragging myself through life at the moment

My days are punctuated with eating and purging 

I can't say I am bingeing 

As the amounts of food I am eating are typical portions

But 

It's still too much 

Any amount is too much 

It has nothing to do with weight anymore 

I could be 5 stone or 50 stone

It doesn't matter anymore 

My head is well and truly wrecked 

I get up 

Walk the dogs 

Take my meds 

Blog

Zone in and out in front of the TV for a while 

All the while eating and purging 

And weighing a ridiculous amount too

My mood yo-Yoing as my weight fluctuates 

I spoke to my Mam last night

About the possibility of going back in to treatment 

I don't know if it's a knee jerk reaction

Or just an overwhelming need to do something about my situation

I am probably thinking prematurely 

I mean 

I have just started seeing Mary again

I should give that a chance first 

And anyway 

By my own admission

Treatment and that environment never really worked for me 

From home 

It's easy to slip in to the thinking 

That if I go to treatment

They will make me better 

But of course it's not like that 

You have to do the work 

You have to make you better 

And for me 

It seems that I do better from home

So that is plan A

I can think about treatment when and if I need to 

I think my psychiatrist is right though

My mood has dipped in to a depression

Death doesn't scare me

Life scares me more 

The last time I saw Breda 

She that I was 'too young and too talented' to sit at home wasting my life away

But the thing is 

And as I am getting older 

Anxiety about the smallest thing is swallowing me whole

My writers group started last night 

I couldn't even peel myself off the couch 

Never mind get out the front door

Now it's the next morning 

And I am so sorry that I didn't go 

I told myself that I need to focus on my health first 

And I do 

But I also need to break this pattern of anxiety 

And running away from life 

I am hoping that seeing Mary will help

And possibly an increase of my meds 

It was when I was put on Prozac almost two years ago that I was able to pull myself out of the binge purge cycle 

It really helped 

I Am now on 40mg

And the professionals talked about increasing it to 80mg

Which I am not opposed to 

Whatever works right?

I know sooner or later I am going to have to take a leap of faith where recovery is concerned

Either take a chance on living my life 

Or stay in my illness

Where yes 

It's safe 

It's comfortable 

But I know I am missing out on so so much

Friends 

Social events 

Education

Jobs 

Hobbies 

Boyfriends

Dating 

Travelling 

Life!

I am just so afraid 

And it's keeping me paralysed 

Stuck in this house 

This room

This illness 

And the older I get 

The harder it is to do all these things 

Before I know it

It's going to be too late 

Anyway 

I'm hoping with the help of the professionals 

I can turn this around 

And turn this relapse from a negative thing

In to a positive learning experience 

Even though it may seem like it

I'm not giving up

Not one little bit 

I'll fight until the bitter end 

Right now 

I am just tired 

I feel like part of me is crumbling under the weight of all this stress 

I am lucky though 

I have an amazingly strong family around 

Who are my back bone 

My Mum is endlessly patient 

And kind

When I get upset 

And feel like all is lost 

She is the one who dries my tears

And helps put the pieces of my life back together 

She always tells me with such conviction

That I will get better 

I will be all right 

She is so convincing 

That I can't help but believe her

So 

The plan is 

To engage with Mary, Breda, my doctor, my psychiatrist 

Eat little and often 

Purging as little as I can manage 

Take it easy 

Rest 

Spend time with my dogs and family 

Meet with good friends 

Don't beat myself up 

Don't be hard on myself 

Focus on the positive 

The good things in my life 

Build myself up physically And mentally 

Allow myself to eat the things I want to eat 

Listen to my body

And give it what it needs 

Don't isolate 

Surround myself with good and positive people 

Who will help me through this 

In short 

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other 

And keep going 

As I always say 

Baby steps all the way

As baby steps add up to be great strides