Gaining......in all areas

Because things are improving again

And I feel like I am getting back on track

Back in a recovery frame of mind

I have to accept that weight restoration goes along with that 

I can't recover and maintain a low body weight 

When I saw Mary yesterday 

She asked me to get rid of my scales

But to continue to weigh once a week

In a pharmacy or where ever I can

As she is not going to weigh me any more 

I have a couple of issues about weighing in a pharmacy 

First, it's such a public place to do such an intimate thing 

I would be mortified

And second

As a rule

I weigh with no clothes on

And go by that 

I can't do that in a store

Well I guess I could 

But I would probably be arrested for indecent exposure

I've got this far in my life without a criminal record

I don't want to acquire one now 

So no

I won't be doing that 

I think I will just keep my scales and weigh once a week on them

I weighed this morning 

And I had gained almost two pounds 

At first I wasn't fussed

As Mary always says 

A kilo either way can be fluid or feaces 

But I as I went about my day

It began to get to me 

Anorexia had a right go at me

Calling me fat

Ugly 

Useless 

Worthless 

I looked in the mirror 

And could almost see where those two pounds had gone 

But this is the thing 

It's a choice 

I can either be underweight 

And miserable 

And sick 

And depressed

Or I can gain a little weight 

And have the opportunity to really live my life 

Be healthy 

Happy 

I think back to a few short months ago

When my weight was healthy

I used to think back then

If I only could lose some weight 

Then I would be happy 

Of course I did lose weight 

And I liked the way my clothes hung off me like I was a human coat hanger 

I liked that I could slip in to size 4 clothes 

That I had to roll down the tops of my jeans so they wouldn't fall down

I liked that people commented that I had lost weight 

But along with the weight loss

I began to lose my peace of mind 

I couldn't enjoy my new size

As my family and others were worried about me 

What good is a thin body

If you are unwell

If you are miserable 

Now that I am two stone lighter

Am I any happier?

To be honest 

I don't really think so 

It's different 

But not better 

The only difference is that I now take up less space 

Nothing more 

I don't know about you

But I don't go about my day

Judging people because of their weight 

It just doesn't come in to it

People come in all shapes and sizes 

But really it doesn't matter 

Who a person is 

Has nothing to do with what they look like 

Or what they weigh 

It's not about their body 

It s about their heart 

Their mind 

Their personality 

And I'm thinking if I'm not judging anyone else 

There are hardly many people judging me either 

I mean come on

Life is too short to worry about a few extra pounds 

And God knows I can afford to put on a few measly pounds 

One thing that can keep us locked in to our illness 

Is labels 

When you are diagnosed 

You are given the title of anorectic or bulimic 

You are told you have an eating disorder 

You might be declared underweight 

And you will be told you are unwell

And sick 

If you suffer with an ED for any extended

Period of time 

You be accustomed to being the sick one 

The ill one 

The underweight one 

People might treat you differently 

More gently 

With more compassion and empathy 

There may even be 'ED perks'

It may be very unpopular to write about this 

But there are benefits to having an ED 

Otherwise 

Why would we do it?

But the thing is 

When you are put in to an ED shaped box 

It's very hard to break out 

And find a new identity 

I can remember talking about this in treatment 

Who would I be without my ED?

Who is Ruby?

What is she all about?

Is there more to her than anorexia and bulimia? 

Being the sick one 

No one expects very much from you

You are ill 

So allowances are made

With recovery and wellness 

Comes responsibility 

When you are no longer the sick one 

You might be treated differently 

People might expect more 

So often 

It is preferable to stay unwell

And hang on to your ED

I've had glimpses of recovery 

Of what my life could be like 

To find new and healthy labels 

Or maybe no labels at all

Maybe I'll just be Ruby the girl 

The daughter 

The sister 

The auntie 

The doggy mama 

The writer 

The horse rider 

I can wear many or all of these hats 

But I don't have to be defined by any of them 

And I can break out of the ED box and world that I lived in

Of course 

This transition is not easy 

Change is hard 

Recovery is tricky 

But it is possible 

It is doable 

And it will be so worth it 

It's something that we won't regret 

So let's do it 

Let's not waste another day, week, month, year on an illness that just wants us dead 

Let's fight for a better life 

For a future

And a life beyond our ED 

I'm just not willing to live within the restraints of this illness anymore 

It's suffocating me 

It's boring me

It's draining the very life out of me 

We don't have to do it alone 

We have each other 

And if there is one thing this community does well

It's supporting each other

Are you with me?

I cant here you 

Are you with me?????