Monday 8 February

Monday morning again

Gosh it comes around very quickly

Over the last couple of weeks 

We have acquired a new passenger on our weekly trip to the doctor

My neighbour now comes with us

As she had an appointment 

We joked this morning that soon we'll need to hire a mini bus for our little outing!

So we all piled in to my mothers little Toyota Yaris

No dogs this morning 

As it was pouring rain

And headed for the doctors 

Both mine and my neighbours appointment was at 9am

We arrived on time 

And I was called in before I even sat down

And my neighbour took a seat

My usual doctor is off this week

So I saw Nice Woman Doctor instead 

She is lovely 

I gave her a quick synopsis of the past couple of months 

We had a good chat 

She asked me if I have given up hope

I said I hadn't 

And I haven't 

I firmly believe I will get back on track 

I have to 

What is the alternative?

Lie down and give up?

No

I don't think so

At least not yet anyway

I came out of the doctors 

And my neighbour was still waiting 

She hadn't been seen yet 

Just then

The receptionist called us to tell us that her doctor was delayed due to car trouble 

I decided to go on up to the pharmacy 

And get that much done 

I was gone about 15 minutes 

When I went back down to the surgery

My neighbour was still there 

Apparently 

An emergency had come in 

So we were further delayed 

A few minutes later 

We saw a child coming out with what looked like lotion all over his face

It must have been a burn

He was crying so hard 

Eventually my neighbour was called in

And I went out to wait in the car

About twenty minutes later

My neighbour emerged from the surgery

And we set off for home 

Yesterday was a tough day 

I hate Sunday's anyway 

But we had house full of visitors 

As it was my sisters birthday

And at the moment 

That is difficult 

When I am well 

I love having people in the house 

But when I am struggling 

It's not so easy 

When my mother gave me my medication in the morning

I noticed that she had accidentially given me more than was needed

Because I was feeling anxious 

I took more than was prescribed

It was only after taking the pills

That I saw they were out of date

I took five of them 

Not with the intention of overdosing

I just wanted to sleep

To escape 

To check out of reality for a while

It wasn't long before I began to feel drowsy

And a bit out of it

I retreated to my bedroom 

And got in to bed 

Telling the others I felt unwell 

Which I did 

I slept for about three hours 

And got up to have dinner with my family

I don't know what it is 

But I've been feeling like an outsider on my family recently 

I feel like I am on the outside looking 

Excluded

Not part of things

I must stress that it's nothing that my family is doing

It's just indicative of my mental state at the moment 

My mood is low 

And with that 

My confidence and self esteem are in my boots 

It's hard to get involved in the family when I am feeling like this 

I just wanted to be alone

And be out of it

That is the ugly truth

We played a family game in the evening

Called My dysfunctional family

It was a laugh 

But it was a forced laugh on my part

Some of the visitors left in the evening m

I had a shower 

And got in to my pyjamas

I was relieved the day was nearly over

I weighed myself when I woke up this morning 

Just out of curiosity 

After a month of being the same weight

The numbers finally moved 

And I lost weight 

Usually I'd get a little buzz out of that 

But this morning I felt nothing

Absolutely nothing 

Time is going by so very quickly

It's scary how fast the years go by

I turn 35 this September

I swear I feel no more than 21

Yet a feel like I've lived so many different lives 

I keep hearing the interviewer from my job 

Telling me that I had a very 'interesting existence'

I guess I have 

My life has not been easy

But I still feel blessed for everything I have 

And I know if I want more 

I have to bloody well work for it

I have so many dreams and ideas 

That I don't know where to start 

I know if I put all my time and energy in to something worthwhile

As much energy as I put in to self destructing 

Then I might have a fighting chance at a good life

I went to such great lengths in my addiction and ED 

I literally would have done anything for the drug and to lose weight 

And by all rights

I should be willing to do anything for my recovery 

But as you know 

It's not easy 

Life itself is not easy 

Never mind with an ED and opiate addiction 

Everyone has bumps in the road 

Everyone has a story to tell

I am no different 

The only difference is that I choose to write publicly about it

And reach out to others

I believe I will come through this 

I believe that eventually I will put my issues behind me

Or at the very least learn how to manage them so i have some semblance of a normal life 

I have to believe this 

I can picture it so vividly 

Being well

Having my own place 

Studying 

Working 

Friends 

Boyfriends 

Fun 

Laughter 

Hard work

And hard play 

It's all so close I can almost taste it

It's there for me

I just need to reach out and grab it

And it's that leap of faith that is so very hard 

We all have a comfort zone 

Which of course is safe and comfortable 

We could stay there for the rest of our lives 

Content 

But there is so much to gain by moving out of that zone

Yes it's difficult to push past it

It's uncomfortable 

Scary 

It's venturing in to the unknown 

But the rewards are great

If we can just push the boundaries 

There is so much to gain 

And I know that is exactly what I need to do, if I want to recover

I do try to step outside my comfort zone 

But I know there is so much more I could be doing 

It's baby steps 

Baby steps all the way 

I wish you a good day today 

I wish you health and happiness and laughter and fun

I appreciate your reading and supporting my blog 

I would be lost without you...