Friday

As my Mum and I both have free travel

We got the bus up north to my uncle Ds 

I started packing two day ago

I love packing 

I love sorting out clothes to wear 

Mixing and matching different outfits

I always bring too many clothes

And usually I buy a couple of things 

So my case is bursting on the way home

We arrived her at about 3 30pm

Dropped our bags off at the house

And then walked in to town

I am on the look out for a nice over sized shirt 

So I had a look in a couple of shops

And tried on a few

Usually I am my usual impulsive self 

And buy something 

But today I couldn't make a decision

And so left the shops empty handed 

We retired to a coffee shop

For tea and a bun

Later on we went out for dinner 

In a local hotel 

I had a burger and chips

But didn't really enjoy it if I am honest

I did enjoy the company and the chat though

After food

We headed back to the house

To relax

And watch some TV 

A nice way to end the day 

Gym monster left an interesting comment on yesterday's post

She made the point that knowing and obsessing about my weight

Is directly linked to my mood

I had to read the post a couple of times 

And had a think about it 

I think she has a point 

Last summer 

I was doing well

I felt good 

I wasn't weighing myself 

I was going by how I felt rather than what I looked like 

I was the happiest I had been in a long time 

So 

The logical thing to do is to stop weighing 

And focus on being healthy 

Instead of being thin 

I've done it before 

There is nothing to stop me doing it again 

Nothing except myself 

And I am notorious for getting in my own way

Trying on clothes today

Looking in mirrors 

I don't hate what I see

I don't particularly like it 

But I don't hate it 

I can live with it 

I'm just so tired of fighting with myself 

Of hating myself 

Of the cruelty and shame that is this illness

I give up 

I'm done trying to win this war

I'm walking away

I'm giving up

That is not to say I'm giving up on life

Not at all 

I'm giving up this God for saken battle 

This war of wills

The only way the ED wins 

Is if I die

I'm not willing to lay down my life in the name of this illness 

Life is too short to play this game of numerical roulette

I don't want this life of guilt and shame 

I just want to live a normal life 

My dream is to have my own place in the country 

A small field where I can keep donkeys 

A house full of dogs 

When I'm thinking about my hopes and dreams 

The size I am doesn't come in to it 

I don't think about my dream life clothes size

I think about things that feed my soul 

Not about what clothes size I fit in to

Does anyone?

I don't know....

Today we are going out to my uncles friend 

Who keep horses

And work with people including autistic kids 

I'm hoping to ride too

If they can fit me in

I spoke to my nephew yesterday 

He is coming out to the horse centre with me on Wednesday 

To help with the pony camp

And then have a lesson in the afternoon

I'm looking forward to seeing the place today 

Horse riding is opening a whole lot of new opportunities to me

And I'm loving that 

It's amazing what can happen when you get off the couch

And venture in to the big wide world 

If we just life our heads 

Stop looking at the cracks in the ground 

And start looking at the world around us 

If we look to our fellows

Instead of naval gazing 

And reach out 

Instead of closing in

I think I have now reached the point of this post where I have officially stopped caring making sense

I am now going to make like Sylvia Plath

And stick my head in the oven 

Only joking 

But only just

I'm off to see what trouble I can get up to

See you on the next post....