R is for Recovery!

Recovery is an obvious choice for the letter R

But it's also an important one 

The main thing about recovery 

Is that it's about progress not perfection

And I am so glad for that 

Because I certainly have not perfected recovery 

Who has?

My recovery from drugs started as long as ten years ago

I've had many slips and relapses since then

And now have about a year of continuous recovery

Since my last relapse early last year

My recovery from my ED started two years ago

After I came out of treatment for the umpteenth time

But again 

It most definitely has not been a straight road 

There have been an awful lot of bumps in the road for me

And some might argue that I am not in recovery at all 

As I still purge 

Albeit a whole lot less than I was two years ago 

But bulimia still raises its ugly head from time to time 

The thing is 

That I am doing my level best 

To stay sane

And improve my physical and mental health 

I'm striving for a better life 

For me and my family 

It's taken me a long time to get to the ponit where I wanted to recover

In the midst of the illness

Recovery seems nigh on impossible 

It wasn't something that I wanted to explore 

And I deliberately avoided anything to do with recovery 

But there came a point 

Where I was just not willing to lose any more of my life to my addiction/ED

Where the negatives drastically outweighed the positives

I wasn't living 

I was hanging on by my finger nails to life 

But now 

I am so glad I managed to pull myself out of the rabbit hole 

And am even sorry that I didn't do it years ago 

It seems that as quickly as things can tank

They can also turn around just as quickly 

I can categorically tell you 

That there is life after ED and addiction

I know that recovery can seem so far away

And sometimes it is 

But it starts with the first step

That first leap of faith 

That is the most difficult part

But once you get going 

I promise you 

There will be no stopping you

Baby steps all the way

As I always say

Baby steps soon add up to be great strides 

And breaking it down in to small bite size chunks is much more manageable

As well as improving health and mental health

As well as weight restoration and all the health benefits that come with that 

Recovery also opens up new opportunities

I've done so many things in recovery

That I would never have had the confidence or the courage to do in the midst of my illness

I went on my first date 

I joined classes 

I started going to meetings again

I began horse riding

Which has quickly turned in to a passion

I've done interviews for different publications 

So many wonderful things can happen 

If you can just open your mind 

And your heart 

And take that first step away from the illness

In my ED

It was like being in a prison 

With meagre food portions 

And a punishing exercise routine 

There is nothing enjoyable about living with an ED 

Even the benefits it promises 

Weight loss 

Never works out 

As the goal posts always shift

Today is a good day

This morning I am going in to see the manager of the holiday centre 

Remember the job I applied for?

She rang me yesterday 

And asked me to go in for a chat 

So that is exciting 

I'm really hoping something comes of it

And this afternoon 

I am starting my course 

IT and communications 

I don't know if I'll be able to do it all

But I will give it a go 

And see how I get on 

I still want to leave time for horse riding

The dogs 

blogging 

And my appointments of course 

As these things are the foundation of my recovery 

I have faith though 

That it will all work out the way it's supposed to 

And that's the lovely thing about recovery 

Things seem to all of a sudden fall in to place 

One day everything is up in the air 

And the next it's all slotting together like a jigsaw puzzle

In other news 

I went horse riding yesterday 

Myself and one of the lads are being entered in a competition 

A dressage show 

On May 1st

It's basically a routine with the horse 

Walking 

Trotting

Following a course 

We went through it twice yesterday

If you remember last week

Star was no co operating with me 

He was very reluctant to trot 

So I was given a whip yesterday 

Just to give him a little tap to start off

And lo and behold 

He began to trot when I tapped him

We are rough diamonds myself and Star

But we are slowly but surely forming a little bond 

And finding out way 

At one point when we were trotting 

Star began to go really fast 

Cantering 

It was amazing!

I loved it!

So much fun!

I just wish I could do it more often 

I feel on such a high after riding 

And the time always goes way too quickly 

And this 

The horse riding 

Is only possible by my being somewhat well

I wouldn't be able for it if I was underweight and struggling 

I wouldn't trade all the things in my life for a skinny body 

No way 

Maybe it's that in getting older 

I turn 35 this year 

And I guess I was bound to grow up at some stage 

And an ED is so life and soul draining 

That the older you get 

The sicker you get 

And the harder it is to find recovery 

I know I'm blessed 

I have an amazing family behind me 

Super duper professionals 

Who as a team

Have helped me massively 

And pancreatitis aside 

I've come out of my ED relatively unscathed 

Also economic factors 

I have a secure comfortable place to live 

I don't really have to worry about money 

And those things are massive

So all in all

Recovery is worth 

A hundred times over 

I just wish I could give you a little piece of the happiness I have found 

It's finally happening for me

I am recovering.....