Decisions, decisions....

Now that I've been offered a job 

I'm having to juggle things around 

To make sure I can fit everything in

I really want to continue horse riding 

Which is at least one day a week

And I definitely need to keep going to meetings 

2-3 a week is a must 

I also have to factor in the fact I am caring for my mother at the moment 

And am pretty much running the house for the foreseeable future

I will be working about 24 hours a week

Which equates to three shifts 

So I've decided to postpone my course until September 

The course will always be there 

The job might not 

I am super excited to start working 

To be a working woman 

To have extra money 

To be out and about in the world 

I anticipate that the job will be very hard work

Both physically and mentally 

But im up for the challenge 

I feel ready to throw myself in to it 

I'm in a good place now 

My weight is stable 

My mood is good 

I feel capable, able and strong 

And I think this job could be the making of me 

There are just a few more ducks to get in a row 

I need to apply to the disability section of the social welfare 

My psychiatrist wrote me a letter 

Stating that the job would be of therapeutic value 

And so allow me to keep my disability benefit 

So I will get that done today 

Horse riding was so much fun yesterday 

It's so exciting to start cantering 

I really feel like I'm making progress each week

And that is an absolute joy!

Riding is helping me in so many ways 

It's something to look forward to every week 

It's really a whole day out for me each week

It takes an hour to drive there 

But I don't mind at all 

Because I love it so much 

I would travel three hours if I had to 

The healing power from horses and riding is incredible 

As you know 

I feel a great affinity with animals 

And get so much out of being around them 

It also helps with my confidence 

As I am out mingling and chatting with others 

I'm still a little shy and quiet 

But I know I will get there 

I know if I keep doing the next right thing 

I will be just fine 

As I wrote yesterday 

It feels like things are finally fitting in to place for me 

It's only taken me nearly 35 years

But at least I got there 

I think back as recently as Christmas 

I was so very lost 

Losing weight 

Losing my mind 

I felt like I was a little lost soul wandering around 

Not knowing what I was doing 

Or where I was going 

I had no direction

And I felt like I was drowning 

Like life was swallowing me up and spitting me out 

But I hung in there 

And things slowly began to change 

It was Mary who first told me about the horse therapy 

Our health service subsidies the horse riding as part of therapy 

So it only costs us €15 a lesson

Which is really good value 

If I could 

I would love to ride every day 

And maybe in the future I will

It has turned out to be a real passion

Something that fills the hole that drugs and alcohol left 

And that's what it's all about 

Finding healthy and meaningful ways to not only cope with life 

But to really enjoy life 

They say if you do what you love

You will never work a day in your life 

I am somewhat late finding out what I want to do in life 

But better late than never right?

I haven't experienced much happiness in my life 

And I don't think happiness is a constant thing 

At least for me it's not 

It's more like moments of happiness 

Here and there 

But at the moment 

Right now in my life 

I am as close to happy as I have ever been 

As well as happiness 

It's a feeling of contentment 

A feeling of steadiness 

Stability 

A feeling that I am on the right road 

That I am doing things that I love 

And that feeds my soul 

It such a relief to let go of all the self hatred and self loathing 

To stop caring so much what others think

I spent far too much of my life 

Trying to fit in

Trying to be part of the crowd 

And trying to get people to like me

But somewhere along the line 

I was trying so hard 

That I got lost along the way

I lost myself 

I used to mirror people 

If you were loud 

I was loud 

If you were quiet 

I was quiet

I didn't have the confidence to be myself 

So I copied you 

And figured that was the best way to be liked 

But now I know different 

Now I know that it doesn't matter one iota what people think of me 

If I am living my life in a good way 

With friends and family around me

If I am doing my best 

To be a good and honest person

Then it really doesn't matter what people think of me 

If I can lay my head down at night 

Knowing I lived that day to the best of my ability 

Then I can sleep well

With a clear conscience 

I thank my higher power for getting me through the day 

Without hurting myself or anyone else 

If I can do that 

Then it's been a good day 

It takes a lot of courage to be yourself 

In a world where there is so much pressure on us to conform

Especially on women 

To be all things to all people 

To be a mother 

A sister 

A daughter 

A worker 

A partner 

We are pulled in so many different directions 

It's hard to make time for us 

Time to just relax 

And recharge our batteries 

I guess I missed all the years where you develop your personality and your character 

Usually that happens in your teens and early twenties 

But as you know 

I was otherwise engaged during those years 

So I never really got to grow in to a young woman 

I found myself in my thirties 

Feeling like a 21 year old 

The body and face 

Did not match what was going on inside 

I know feel like I am playing catch up to everyone else 

Like I am ten years behind 

But that's ok

I will get there eventually 

I just need to hang in there 

Today is a good day 

I feel positive and hopeful about the future 

I feel like I have a fighting chance at life 

A happy life even 

And people 

If I can get through this 

Then I promise you 

You can too 

It's possible 

Recovery is possible 

It's a precious gift 

We just have to reach out and grab it...