Monday

I really do apologise for my lack of posting

I guess I have been busy living 

And I don't have the time to be writing as much as I used to

Back when I was in the midst of my illness 

I had nothing but time 

And posted every day

Because all I had in my life was the disorder 

It's was all I thought about 

Talked about 

Wrote about 

Read about 

But now

Well

Things are a lot different 

I have regained weight to a healthy BMI

I no longer deny myself food in order to lose weight 

I used to purge up to 20 times a day 

Now it's a rarity rather than the norm

What a transformation it has been 

A crazy ride 

But I made it out the other side

I lived to tell the tale 

Now I don't think about food the way I used to

Food used to be the enemy 

Something to be feared 

Because food meant weight 

And weight was bad

Skinny was good 

And underweight was even better 

It was a safe place 

I was a sick person

That became my identity 

But rewind about 15 years

And after dabbling in drugs for a few years

I become addicted to heroin

While using 

I stayed in various different drug houses 

Where the number one priority was drugs 

Not food 

Not heating 

Every penny went on the drug 

So I would spend a few weeks in the drug house 

Then when the money ran out 

I would go home to recharge my batteries 

I can do clearly remember going home 

And being overwhelmed by all the food in the fridge 

I was so hungry 

But I felt so guilty that I had food 

And my drug using friends didn't 

This was the start of my associating food with guilt

And I've never been the same since 

My eating disorder began here 

Although it took me a long time to make the connection

But I know now that food is not the issue 

It's a symptom of a greater problem 

For me

I know I have an addictive personality 

Coupled with the fact that I struggle to live in reality 

I have low self esteem

And long to get away from my own thoughts 

I've been addicted to many things over the years 

Shoplifting 

Exercising

Shopping

Spending money 

Drifter chocolate bars 

Enemas 

Laxatives 

Prescription meds 

I could go on and on...

The moral of the story is that I need to be careful

If I get a good feeling off something 

I tend to want it again and again 

And quickly get addicted

But at least now I am aware

And can keep an eye on my behaviour 

I've often talked about how addiction and an ED leave a gaping void when they are taken away 

Which needs to be addressed and filled with some thing healthy 

For me

I filled that void with my life of horses and animals in general 

And that is a hell of a lot better than drugs or shopping or drinking 

In other news 

I've been visiting Coco a good bit 

I usually go over three times a week

And being Mam and the dogs 

I think Coco is coming on leaps and bounds 

In the morning 

We give him a bucket of feed 

And an apple or a carrot 

After that it's play time 

And I run around the field with him and the dogs 

Coco has really taken a shine to Lea 

He follows her everywhere 

And one day when we sitting down 

He started to groom her 

Which was just adorable 

It's lovely to see Coco running and frolicking and bucking and playing

He seems to get a great kick out of all the attention he gets 

And I love to se him so happy 

Last week

I brought a grooming mitt over 

And gradually Coco let me groom his nose and face and chest 

I swear that pony has so much potential 

To watch him with Lea is just beautiful 

And he is so gentle with her   

Cocos owner Gordon  and me have been talking about getting him a companion

Gordon says it's up to me 

If I wanted to get a pony/horse for riding 

Well 

I don't need to tell you 

My eyes nearly popped out

And the excitement was massive!

The thoughts of getting my very own pony ?

That is the dream right there!

But look

I know this is something that I really shouldn't rush in to 

Ok 

So I have land 

And plenty of it 

I have a companion 

I have the benefit of the knowledge from my course 

And also Gordon who has spent his whole life around horses 

I did get some good news last week

Thdtbi have my job again in the summer 

Starting May 

This is fantastic news!

And it means I will get a chance to save money

So

The plan is to work as many hours as I can 

Save every penny 

And hopefully at the end of the season 

I will have €2000-€3000 saved 

Enough to adopt a horse 

And to get started  

There are some great horse sanctuary in this country 

And I have contacted a couple of them 

So I will keep my options open 

But you guys 

How exciting is this?

Possibly getting my very first horse!

I never though that this could actually happen 

Having my own horse. 

Would give me a reason to stay well

A reason to get up in the morning

I feel super excited 

But I won't rush in to anything 

I need to 'pace myself' as my mother says 

This is not something to be decided on a whim

I need to be prepared 

I need the funds 

And the time and energy 

It's a massive commitment and responsibility 

I want to give my prospective horse the best life possible 

I can't wait to see what this year brings 

Is it just me or does blogger seem very quiet?

Do let me know if you are out there and still reading 

Let me know that I am not alone...