180

I read somewhere recently

That if something in your life is bother you 

You have three options 

Change it

Ignore it

Or accept it

This really spoke to me as if you read my last post you will know I've been struggling with body image

To cut a long story short 

With regard to my weight

I've decided to accept it

Changing it is too risky 

And I have too much to lose

I can't ignore it as it's my body

So accept it it is

The end

Easter

Hello fellow bloggers and readers

I've been meaning to update here for the last couple of weeks

But am just getting around to it now

Life is busy 

I am busy 

I'm in a very different place in my ED and recovery 

My ED now takes up so little space that it's quite insignificant

I don't restrict

I don't binge 

Purging is the exception rather than the norm

The only think I am kind upset about 

Is yes you've guessed it

My weight 

I don't know what I weigh as I don't weigh myself 

But I'm pretty sure that I am the biggest I've even been 

My clothes feel tighter 

I feel like I take up a lot of space 

And I am generally quite uncomfortable 

My diet is not great 

And I've been eating a lot of junk food 

And just today a member of my family told me that I am gaining weight 

My first thought was to starve myself in to submission

That didn't last long 

As I don't want to go down that route again

But I do need to do something 

Not only to lose a bit of weight 

But to be healthy 

And to have sufficient energy for all the things I want to do

Despite my weight 

I feel quite happy and content 

I see Coco every day 

And he continued to be the highlight of my day

He is such a funny wee man

Full of personality and character

I can't believe how attached I have become to him

It's threee months now since I started to. Is it him

He has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 

To being relaxed, confident and happy

More often than not my dogs come with me when I visit Coco 

And they are all good pals

It's so lovely to watch them 

I am in pure heaven when I'm in the field with them all

I can't wait for the weather to improve 

So I can spend long lazy days over with Coco

I can't tell you how much he has helped me in the last three months 

I now bounce out of bed in the morning 

Knowing I am going to see him

It gets me out of the house

Out in to the fresh air

I've never slept as well as I am at the moment 

Yes 

There is no doubt in my mind 

That pony saved me

And I saved him too

So 

The plan with my food 

Is to cut out the junk for the moment 

Eat a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner 

More exercise 

I must stress 

This is it a diet 

As it's not a temporary thing 

This needs to be my lifestyle 

My life 

At the moment I feel bloated and swollen 

My clothes are straining 

And I feel very uncomfortable 

I would like to lose about 15 pounds 

And I will still be comfortably in the healthy weight for my height category 

And before you say this sounds dodgy

And I'm meeting trouble half way 

I have no desire to be stick thin or underweight 

I just want to feel good in my skin

I just want to be healthy and happy 

And I'm not being a sucker thinking weight loss will make me happy 

But I do want to feel comfortably in myself 

And I don't at the moment

Because I was eating a lot of junk food 

And no proper food at all

It's no wonder I am gaining 

And probably lucky I have not gained more 

I have to say though 

I am finding junk food much harder to give up than I did cigarettes 

I guess it's so accessible 

And the least harmful 

So it's easier to grab than say a cigarette or a drink or a drug

However 

I will persevere 

As I always do

In other news 

I have my job back again this summer 

So I will be starting late May time 

I have mixed feelings about the job

I'm grateful to have it back again 

And to be offered it again is fantastic 

I'm just a bit worried that I will get anxious again 

And struggle to go in in the morning 

The way I was with my course

Also I'm worried I won't see as much of Coco 

But part of the reason I am working is for him

And to get him a companion 

But there will be a cap on how many hours I can do 

Between 20-24

So I'm just hoping and praying that it all goes smoothly 

As I really enjoyed it last year 

It was such a lovely place to work 

And the people were just great 

Both guests and staff

I made friends 

I made money 

And it gave me a sense of responsibility 

When I do something 

I like to do it right 

I'm probably a perfectionist at heart 

But as my sister says 

Done is better than perfect 

How true is that?

In other other news 

My brother published his first novel last month 

It is called Ithaca

We had a great time launching it in style and celebrating his success

We are all very proud of him

I don't know how many of you are still reading and writing 

I am hoping there are a few of us left 

I tend to use Facebook more these days 

As it's quick and easy 

I don't always have the energy or the inclination to write a whole blog post 

Not knowing if anyone is reading 

So 

Thoughts on losing weight in recovery?

I'd love to know what you think

Answers on a postcard please...