Gaining....

I was in the supermarket the other day

When I met a woman that I hadn't seen in a while 

She reached out to my face 

And said I looked like I was filling out

I waited for the horror of these words to wash over me

I bit my lip in case I began to lose my shit

I smiled 

And said thank you 

I don't know why I thanked her

But I couldn't think of anything else to say

I moved on 

The smile still plastered on my face 

And held my breath in anticipation of a complete meltdown 

But you know what?

It never happened 

The shit storm never happened

I registered the words for what they were 

Someone wanting to give me a compliment 

Someone being kind

And acknowledging that I am getting well

If someone had said that to me a year ago

I would have just lost my shit altogether 

It wouldn't have just ruined my day

It would've ruined my whole life 

But 

This time 

This time I was able to take the words in the spirit in which they were intended

And that my friends 

Is progress

I haven't been weighing myself in recent times 

I've just been going how I feel 

My clothes still fit 

I don't feel like they are too small or too big 

And I've been feeling pretty ok

But 

This morning I had a massive urge to know what I weighed 

So I pulled my old dusty scales out from under the drawers 

Stripped 

And tentatively stepped on

The numbers flashed 

Then settled

BMI : 18

I can handle that 

I can live with that 

I would be more than happy if my weight stAyed   here 

Give or take a few pounds 

How I wish that I didn't give a shit

How I wish that weight and numbers meant nothing to me

That the scales was not the be all and end all 

How I wish I liked and accepted my body

My self 

Even just part of myself 

I don't know you guys 

I hope it gets  better 

Tell me it does

Promise me....

St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all you lovely readers!

Gosh this day brings back memories

Mostly bad ones 

Growing up

Paddys day was an excuse to get absolutely blotto

And inevitably there would be a massive family row

More often than not 

My Mum and I would move out for the weekend 

And go to my sisters or a friend 

Just to get away

Then came the drug years 

When St. Patrick's Day was just another day in the daily grind of addiction

I can remember one quite well

Dublin was heaving with people 

And I was wandering around 

Sick

Trying to get money together

And generally feeling very sorry for myself 

I can remember looking at all the people 

Laughing 

Smiling 

Enjoying the parade

I remember seeing a guy that I had been in treatment with 

He had a little girl on his shoulders 

She looked like she was having such great fun

I didn't go over to them 

I was in quite a state

And didn't want to involve them in my sorry situation 

I can't remember what else happened that day

I must have got drugs at some stage

As the rest of the day is a blur 

These days 

I tend to avoid town on this day

As it is still an excuse to drink until you can't stand up anymore 

So today 

My Mam, Honey and Lea and I 

Will be curling up in the couch 

With hot cups of tea

And a box of sweets 

Bliss!

So

Whatever you are up to today 

If you are celebrating 

Or isolating 

I wish you a very happy St. Patrick's day 

To you and yours 

I am sporting green trousers in an effort to get in to the spirit of the occasion     

And yes 

I have gained weight....

Horse Riding

After a long hard winter

We finally saw a little bit of spring this week

Which makes life a little easier

It's not so hard to get up in the morning

It's not so cold

People seem to be in better form

Weather is something that is discussed to death in this country

We love to get a sunny day

So we can talk at length about the great stretch on the evenings

But we also love to give out about the weather almost as much as we like talking about the good

Anyway

As you know

I now go horse riding every Wednesday 

Which I look forward to all week

The equine centre is about an hours drive

And yes

I always bring someone with me

Today that someone was my mum

I dont mind the journey 

Heck I used to travel the length and breadth of the country to get drugs

So an hours drive for something I love, is no trouble at all

The session was great

As always

I am now in a group with two men

Who have been attending the centre for the past three years

One of them canters and everything!

I asked if I could canter too

But 

Not yet 

As ever 

I am eager to go galloping around the arena 

But I am learning that patience is a virtue

And I have to remind myself that these people have been horse riding for years

I have been riding for all of five weeks

Pace yourself Ruby

My Mum

The budding photographer 

Took some photos from the judges box

Here they are...

Eating and Living: Recipes for recovery

A few months ago

I was contacted by a lady called Francesca Baker

Francesca was putting a book together

A recipe book for eating disorder recovery by those who have been there

I was asked to contribute a recipe

Which I did 

And a little blurb to go along side it

I decided to pick chicken chasseur

As it was something I began to eat during the first year of recover

And my little story was about how my sister had come home from Australia and was teaching me how to cook

The book is now for sale on Amazon

And I got my copy last week

It is beautifully put together

And I am so delighted to have been part of it

Bad News

I've been worried the last couple of days

That my piercing was becoming infected 

It looks quite raw

Although it is not sore

And I have to admit 

I have purged a few times in the last couple of days 

So I don't know if that has contributed 

I saw my doctor this morning

Nice Woman Doctor

She brought it to my attention that it could in fact be infected

She asked if I am allergic to penicillin 

As that would be the best medication for it

But I am in fact allergic 

So I had to get a less effective one

She also told me to soak it in a salt water solution 

And to take progress photos over the next week

To see if it's getting better or worse

You guys 

I am so disappointed 

So disappointed that I purged 

That I let this happen 

I thought I was doing everything right

And I was at first 

But 

As ever 

My ED got the better of me

And now I have an infected lip piercing 

The doctor said that if it hadn't improved in a few days 

The bar will need to come out

I am just going to be so diligent over the next week

And hope that I have caught it in time 

No purging 

No

Purging 

Got that Ruby?

No. Purging.

So I wanted to ask any of you lovely ladies who have piercings 

Have you ever had an infection from one?

How did you deal with it?

Did you have to take the piercing out?

Did it heal? 

I really don't want to have to take the bar out 

It was an expensive and painful procedure 

And it would be a shame to have to let it close up and heal 

God dammit

I know this is my own stupid fault 

Maybe the purging had nothing to do with it

But I suspect it has

I am just so annoyed at myself 

That is all 

Convention

ELast night

I went in to the city 

To attend the annual AA convention

It was my first ever convention

So I was both terrified and thrilled to be a part of it

I went with two of the ladies from the lunch time meetings

We all met up at 6pm

And arrived at the hotel it was being held at about 6 30pm

All day yesterday 

I was a ball of anxiety 

And came very close to cancelling on several occasions 

But I really wanted to go

And I felt comfortable with the two ladies

I knew they would look out for me

We were some of the first to arrive

We registered 

And headed in to our first meeting of the evening

I guess before I go any further 

I should explain what an AA convention

Basically 

It's like any other convention

Only its for alcoholics

The theme this year was 'Happy, joyous and free'

There are meetings on the hour

Every hour 

It's also a social event 

A chance to meet knew people

And have a good night

In this country 

Al lot of socialisation is done in the pub

So it can be difficult to meet people in other situations

I really enjoyed the convention

The people were friendly 

The craic was mighty

And the meetings were so powerful

All in all 

It was a great night

And in so glad that I went 

That I battled my anxiety and won

I arrived home at about 1am

My sister and my mum waited up for me 

And I told them all about it 

It has taken me almost two hours to write this short post 

As I keep falling asleep 

Or writing something that makes no sense

I just wanted to share with you about the convention

As it was a big deal for me

Anyway

I'm off for a little power nap

See you on the next post....

Friday 11 March

Yesterday was a very busy day

I saw Mary in the morning 

Went to a lunch time meeting

And in the evening 

My mother and I went to a free dance class that was on in the local theatre

I was wrecked tired yesterday 

But I really wanted to go to the dancing 

As its something that I really enjoy

There were two dance classes on back to back 

First was Salsa

And then there was Ceili dancing 

Which is traditional Irish dancing

The class started at  8pm

We arrived on time 

Filled in a form

And took a seat in the room

There was salsa music playing 

And there was quite a few people there

Just then 

The teacher came over to speak to us 

She spoke in Irish 

I can speak a little Irish 

But my Mum is fluent 

The teacher explained that they were speaking Irish as it was Irish speaking week

So the class was to be in Irish!

More and more people filed in

I'd say there was about 30 of us 

And soon the class began 

The teacher was great

She explained things well

And had a lovely way about her

First

We did a wArm up 

Which was great fun

Then on to the dancing proper

We learned  the basic steps 

Then in partners 

One leading 

One following 

We practised our best Salsa 

We changed partners every few minutes 

So we got to dance with a lot of different people 

I really enjoyed it

And my Mum was laughing her head off

So I think it's fair to say that she enjoyed it too

In no time at all

The class was over 

The teacher left on the music so we could continue to practise 

She was going around the room dancing with different people 

Then she came to me

'You're a natural' she said

'So light on your feet'

I told her that I used to dance a lot

I asked her if she was a school teacher

As I got that vibe off her

But she told me that she was a pharmacist 

I thought about how I had been a pharmacist of a kind in another life

I thought it was just a bit ironic 

She asked me what I do

I told her that I was starting work in May 

And that I also write

'Are you a journalist?'she asked 

I said I wasn't 

And explained that I blog and such 

She asked what I write about 

I was kind of caught on the hop

And before I knew it

I was telling her that I am recovering from an eating disorder

And my blog was about the journey to recovery 

I'm still not entirely sure why I decided to share that information 

I kind of felt like I said too much

Given that it was supposed to be an evening of fun

But 

I tend not to hide my conditions

And I think it's good to be open about things 

Especially mental health issues

She seemed really interested in this

And asked me for my blog address

Which I gave her

Will she read it or not?

I don't know 

But she was really kind 

That's why I thought she was a teacher

Because she was gentle

Patient 

And made everyone feel really comfortable 

The Salsa finished up

And it was Ceili time

To say it was organised chaos is probably accurate

There were so many of us

And the Ceili is a fast dance 

So there was much laughing and joking 

And it was all great fun

Half way through 

It was getting late 

So my mum and I decided to call it a night

I hope they will do more classes

As we thoroughly enjoyed it

It was great to get out for an evening 

And meet new people 

Not sit catatonic in front of the TV all night

Of course you know they I love dancing 

I also found out that there is Zumba on every Tuesday night

So I might just venture out to that too

Mum preferred the Irish dancing

But I definitely preferred the Salsa

If given another chance at life 

I would never have given up dancing when I did

I don't believe in having regrets 

But dancing is something that I am  sorry I didn't pursue

We arrived home about 10 30pm

These days that is a late night for me

I'm usually in my pyjamas by 7pm

I was starting to ruminate about what I told the teacher 

And the verbal diarrhoea that seems to pour out of me at random times

I guess I talk and write about my eating disorder so much 

That I forget to maybe hold back a little in some situations

But the teacher last night gave me a positive response 

And seemed genuinely interested in my blog

But it does beg the question

And I am throwing the floor over to you

Do you speak openly about your eating disorder or mental illness?

If not why not?

If yes, why yes?

What sort of a response do you get when you talk about it?

Have you ever had a negative reaction in response?

Inquiring minds want to know....