Fighting Ana and Mia

I'm in Galway for a few days visiting my brother and his girlfriend
I'm always apprehensive about leaving home but I really wanted to come
I made the decision before I left that I was going to make a huge effort to eat little and often, eat with others and not bail out and stay in the house and binge and purge
The first night we got here we all had dinner
Chicken marinated in lemon with asparagus and a little rice
It was a small portion
I had to give myself a pep talk all the way through eating it

Come on Ruby, you can do this!
Remember this is healthy food
You are not going to gain 10 lbs from eating one meal

After the meal I stayed at the table
I refused to bulimia ruin my little holiday
I got through it
My first meal in years without purging
This may not sound like a big deal for some but for me it was a freakin' revelation
And because I had eaten properly, I wasn't craving sugar all evening
Hence I didn't binge, hence I didn't purge
Why hasn't anyone told me about this before?
That if I eat properly then I won't binge?
Well actually Mary has been saying this ever since I started seeing her
But it has taken until now for her words to sink in
I also had soup yesterday with a small piece of bread, no purging

The weather is still hot and I am struggling with fatigue
We were out for a few hours yesterday and when we came home I slept all evening, only waking up to have a cigarette
My mood is up and down and all over the place but I am trying to enjoying myself and not let anorexia or any of her minions ruin my little holiday
I'm not going to lie, it is hard
My head constantly tells me that I am fat
That I don't deserve to enjoy myself
That I have gained 10lbs
That I should just finish myself off
Socially I am struggling
I'm just not used to being around people all the time
But I guess that comes with practise
I'm trying to do the opposite of what my ED tells me
Trying to be kind to myself and not give myself a hard time
Some days all I want to do is curl up in bed but where would that get me?
I have admit that I have had my slip ups
I purged after a sandwich yesterday and I bought an enema (after a lecture from the pharmacist)
But overall things are going better than I thought
Baby steps all the way!

I might not get to read or comment a lot this week but I am thinking of you all

Here's some photos for you delectation

The pictures of the dolls are by an artist called Rosemary Fallon, I love them
The Arts Festival is on here this week so many interesting characters about ..........

Man carving dog out of sand

Man playing cardboard guitar

Signs

Monday again
In the past week or so nothing has really happened but everything is changing
Thinking about it, it started last weekend
I can't really talk about what happened but lets just say it was enough to make take a good hard look at my own life and where I'm going
I think I already wrote about getting hyper from lack of food last Sunday
It wasn't on purpose
I only realised at the end of the day that I hadn't eaten
In this hot weather my appetite disappears
It happened again yesterday but when I became aware of it, I made myself eat something
It was such a scary feeling
It seems that my whatever about my body, my mind can't take not eating anymore
It's had enough
I've had enough

Last Friday I had a session with Mary and also my mother attended
To be honest I was dreading it
I worried about what my mother would say
Would it be the same as what I had told Mary?
I thought about cancelling but my mother seemed to want to do it so I went
In the event it was fine
It was positive and quite light hearted compared to the first one
It was eye opening to hear her perspective
I left feeling hopeful and motivated, something that eludes me most of the time

As you know I believe in signs
I believe if you look you will see clear signs pointing you in the right direction
I at the beach Saturday morning and had to go shopping and then fill my car with petrol
Usually I go shopping first but yesterday for some reason I went to the filling station first and went to one that I don't usually go to
I can't say why I just felt that's what I should do
I was coming out from paying and just about to get in to my car when I heard someone calling me
I turned around and saw a guy in a black car with shades on
He was waving
At first I had no idea who he was and just stood staring at him
Then I realised who it was
It was a guy a used to be friendly with and went to meetings with
I walked over genuinely happy to see him
We chatted for a while even though we were still parked at the petrol pump
I told him a little bit if what's going on and how I really want to go back to meetings
He was very kind and listened and made some good suggestions
I left telling him that I would see him at a meeting soon

When I got back to my car and drove off I started thinking what a coincidence that was
It was quite early on a Saturday morning in a town neither of us are from at a place I never usually go and it's probably the first time I've seen him in over a year
I had actually texted this guy last week to wish him a happy birthday and then he was put in my path
Strange but true
I took it as a clear sign that it's time to go back to meetings
Even if it wasn't  a sign, it's still a reason to go back

Also the fact that my doctor is out sick indefinitely
The woman doctor who replaced him is so nice and on the ball and she told that her sister had an ED when she was a teenager
Was this doctor put in my path too?

In the afternoon we went down to see my nephews new kittens
I love animals and they were adorable
I was taking photos and I asked my mother to take one of my sister and I
When I looked at it I noticed the difference between the two of us
I looked tired and frail and she looked healthy and fit
I didn't like what I saw
It scared me

Yesterday morning I got that same hyper feeling again
It's like I had boundless energy and couldn't stop talking
I remember feeling like this when I was in Australia
One day in particular
I hadn't eaten in two days and we were going out for dinner that night with my sister's parents
I wasn't aware of it at the time but thinking back I was quite manic
They must have thought I was nuts
It's only now that I am starting to make connections between my intake and my mood and my mental state
Yes, only now
I began to get really scared yesterday and could feel paranoia creeping in
I went to my mother and told her I was worried about myself
That I felt I was going crazy
That maybe I should go to hospital
She managed to convince me that I wasn't
I immediately ate something
She was going to meet her cousin at the beach for a walk and she suggested that I go too
I was afraid to stay on my own so I went
Very unusual for me
So I went and I was so glad that I did
The change of scenery and getting out of my own head made a huge difference
My head went quiet and I even relaxed and laughed a little
We spent a few hours there and by the time I got home I was feeling a million times better

All these things and more have made me very afraid
I have never been afraid when it comes to my ED
Drugs, yes
I got to a point where I was terrified of what would happen next and that's how I feel now
What will happen next?
Will I really lose my mind?
Will my body give up?
As I've said many times this thing eventually catches up with you no matter what weight you are
I think it's good to be afraid
A bit of fear is healthy
And why wouldn't I be afraid?
I actually can't believe it's taken this long to finally become scared

So I've been making myself eat
Little and often
Even though I don't want to
Even thought the scales was a little up this morning
Even though my whole body is screaming NO!
I'm doing my level best not to purge
I'm doing little things to help myself
I'm trying
I have to
There is nothing that recovery can throw at me that is worse than being this way

Hot and Cold

The weather is hotting up in this part of the world
Apparently it is hotter here than it is in Spain
Very unusual for little old Ireland
If you've ever been here you will know that the weather is extremely unpredictable
If you are heading out for a day you need to be prepared for all kinds of weather
The sun could be shining one minute only for the heavens to open and rain upon you the next
It's best to prepare for every eventuality
Maybe wear something light but always, I repeat always have a rain coat and an umbrella handy
Odds are that at some point, most likely when you least expect, it will rain
And I'm not talking about the odd drop of rain
I'm talking about huge big fat rain drops that will soak you to the bone in seconds
They may or may not be accompanied by great gusts of wind that will ruin hair before you have time to get inside, leaving you looking like you've just stuck your finger in a plug socket
Snow in May and sunshine in February are not uncommon

So yes, for the last few days we have been sweltering in the heat
Everyone is stripped down to their bare essentials
Every second person is sporting angry red sunburn
I don't know what it is about this country but we don't seem to have grasped the fact that lying in the sun is dangerous and that sunburn is un attractive
But don't hold that against us, we rarely see the sun here so when we do we take full advantage of it
I think that we are so pale here that the thinking seems to be that blotchy red sunburn is better than no colour at all
I remember when I was in Australia back in January, I got sunburned after a day at the beach
I distinctly remember my sister telling me that I was 'wearing my ignorance on my body'
Nicely put I thought
But I have learned since then and I don't sit out in the full glare of the sun anymore

I actually don't like extreme heat
It saps my already dwindling energy reserves and it makes me restless
So I've been sitting in the shade and reading my book
My dogs are struggling too and take cover in the cool of the stone kitchen floor
I would much rather be too cold than too hot

In this country people get great mileage out of talking about the weather
It's a topic that is constantly spoken about day in, day out
In shops
With people you meet on the street
At watercoolers the country over
Everywhere
People bond over talking about the weather
Mostly they like to complain about it
If it's really cold they will compare stories about how their radiators are air locked or how much they are spending on oil to heat their house or how they almost died of hypothermia (ok I'm exaggerating now)
If it's hot people will pretend they are enjoying the good weather but in reality they are melting and won't
 mind telling you that they are sweating profusely
People try to out do each other with stories of how it was so cold that their wee froze before it hit the toilet bowl or it was so hot they had sunstroke
We are never happy

The thing I don't like about the summer is the fact that we have to wear less clothes
Well we don't have to but it's not very nice covering up and stewing in your own sweat
I was on my own today so I wore a pair of shorts and a boob tube top
But if I was going out I would only get my arms out
I much prefer Winter or Autumn and snuggling up in a nice baggy jumper and jeans
Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate this fine spell we are having but my ED doesn't
She tells me that I am too fat to expose my body
That people will snigger at me if I do
It's terrifying having your body on show
I feel so uncomfortable unless I am enveloped in layers of clothes
Yes, this weather is great and all but I'll gladly take back the rain and cold
I can handle rain and cold
I can't handle this heat

I absolutely hate sweating and try to avoid it if I can at all
Sweating reminds me of being sick
Of having no drugs and being strung out
Sweating is one of the first things that happen when you are sick
And not just little beads of sweat
Oh no
This is serious sweat that soaks your clothes and bed linen
Hot and cold
So ever since quitting drugs I've had a phobia against sweating
It reminds me of bad times

Come back rain, all is forgiven!

Do you like the heat?
Are you like me and hate wearing less clothes?

Don't call me crazy: Part 3

The final episode of Don't call me crazy was on last night
I'm sorry that it's over now as I feel I've become so involved with the characters and I wonder how they are doing
I think this episode was the best of the 3
I'm not quite sure why
Maybe because the kids were getting used to having the cameras around
Maybe because it focused more on the kids characters and personalities rather than highlighting dramatic incidents
What ever the reason was I think it gave a good insight in to what goes on in the minds of people with mental health issues

This week the show concentrated mostly on the boys but also followed up Beth's story
First we met Matty
Matty was 17
He hears voices
One in particular which tells him that someone is going to kill him on his 18th birthday which was fast approaching
He was convinced he was going to die and was pre empting this by trying to take his own life before it happeneD
Can you imagine that?
Really believing that someone was going to kill you
He must have been terrified out of his mind
It doesn't bear thinking about
We saw his room where he had written down all the things he heard in his head
These voices seemed to plague him and we saw him sitting in the corridor banging his head and telling them to shut up



As his birthday grew closer and closer Matty became increasingly anxious
Also he wasn't sure where he was going to be as the unit were trying to get him transferred to an adult unit
In the end he was moved and turned 18 there
That will be a big adjustment moving from the adolescent services to the adult one and I hope he gets the support that he needs

Then we met George
George was described as being as talented rugby player who had won a sports scholarship to a prestigious boarding school in Cumbria
But since moving from his home in Essex he had fallen in to a deep depression and had tried to kill himself
He spoke very openly about his illness and was a very likeable chap
He clicked with Beth straight and you could tell they liked each other as they seemed to spent a lot of time hitting and throwing things at each other
He seemed very mature for his age and made the difficult decision not to return to boarding school as he felt that he would have more support at home




I thought it was so brave of the two boys to speak out
Especially George as he would have been in very male environment being a rugby player at boarding school
Men aren't seen as emotional creatures and are often told to 'suck it up' and 'be a man'
It easy to forget that they suffer with mental health issues just as much as girls and are more likely to commit suicide
I know in this country there is a huge problem with young male suicide
I think this particular episode will really help young men out there who are struggling
I hope it does anyway

Maybe these young people are signs that mental illness doesn't have as much of a stigma as it once had
I know it's still there but it is programmes like this and young people speaking out and giving mental illness a face that will really change the way people think about these issues
It shows that it can happen to anyone
And it doesn't mean you are crazy
It doesn't mean you are violent
It means you need some help and we need to come to a place where we feel comfortable asking for that help without fear of judgement or ridicule or being locked up

This episode also followed Beth as she prepared to leave the unit
After 6 long months of ups and down
Highs and lows
Being sectioned
And lots of tears, she was finally told that she was well enough to go home
She did have a little slip in her final days and self harmed but I think that was understandable
She must have been feeling anxious about leaving
I know any time I was leaving was always a shaky time
I wanted to leave but I was also terrified
Beth let the camera film her being weighed and we were told her weight
I thought this was amazingly brave of her
I think for us being weighed is an incredibly intimate thing
It's like bearing your soul
It was definitely a sign of her getting well
One thing that did worry me though was her  reaction when her sleeping meds were stopped
She became very upset and I wondered why
I think it concerned me because I get the same way when ever my meds are adjusted
And I for me that is partly due to my addiction
It didn't specifically say why she was so upset but I hope that she wasn't becoming dependent on them
At last her final day came
She was elated to be going home at long last but I could tell she was nervous
It's a huge adjustment leaving treatment
Going from having 24 hour support to being on your own is difficult
And the chance of relapse can be high
But it said that Beth was doing well even if she was struggling to maintain her weight
She was also told that she could return to her beloved dancing
I was glad of this
I didn't think it made any sense to take away the one thing that brought her joy

In this episode I think it gave the most realistic picture of what life is like in a place like this
It showed the kids messing around and laughing a lot
And there are a lot of laughs
There are many tears too but a lot of laughs
After all they are kids and kids want to have fun and get up to mischief
I liked that they concentrated to their personalities
It showed that we are much more than our illness
Underneath the labels and diagnosis, we are just regular people
We just happen to have mental health issues
Some people have diabetes or CF or a bad heart
Some people have the problem in their minds
It's no different
So why are we so afraid of mental illness?
Maybe it's because we only hear the horror stories of when someone is violent
But these are rare cases
Most of the time you wouldn't know that someone had a mental health issue
You would only know if they told you
We do not stand out
We do not act crazy
We are human too

Did you see this episode?
What did you think?

Anorexia V Bulimia

Gosh, Monday comes around so quickly
Too quickly
Even though I'm doing not very much, time seems to slip by so fast
It's a good thing and a bad thing
It means the world is still turning even though my life has come to a stand still
But it also means that the weeks are turning in to months and the months are turning in to years
I swear I blinked and 10 years went by
And I am still in this place where time has no meaning

I saw my doctor first thing
Notice I am saying 'my doctor' and not 'nice woman doctor'
Yes I have adopted her
Not officially of course,  I am still under my other doctor, only in my head
I finally decided to ask why my usual doctor has been out for so long
It turns out he has done his back in and needs surgery
Looks like he will be out for a while
She asks how I am
I tell her some but not all
She asks if the interruption to seeing my usual doctor has been stressful
I almost laughed when she said this because it has actually been the opposite
A fresh pair of eyes on the situation has helped I think
I tell that it hasn't been too stressful
That I find it easier to talk to someone I don't know than someone I do know
You can't disappoint someone that doesn't know you
After speaking for a while she tells me that her sister had an ED when she was a teenager
I was a bit blown away that she shared that with me
I wanted to ask loads of questions but I held back and just asked her if she had recovered
She had
I was glad
Maybe it's this reason that she is taking my case so seriously
She really listens
I can tell because she stops writing and turns and looks directly at me
She often tells me not to beat myself up about things
I need to hear that
I seem to beat myself up about the littlest things
And my ED thrives on that
On guilt and shame
I leave feeling hopeful
And you know what?
I don't even know this doctor's name
And I don't really want to know
I just like to think of her as a kind stranger

I wrote on Friday about wanting to address the purging and it was one of my goals for this week
Friday went ok
I purged once
But in my eagerness to stop I seem to be going to the other extreme
All of a sudden I am afraid to eat and even drink because I don't want to purge
Yesterday was not a good day
I went the whole day without eating and drank only a small amount of water
I don't know about you but when I stop eating I get really hyper
I'm like an energiser bunny
Talking non stop
Moving in fast forward
I actually became afraid last night because I couldn't calm down and forced myself to eat some tea and toast
I don't know why it is although I'm sure there is a biological reason for it
I really don't like it though
I feel so out of control

It bothers me greatly that I seem to bounce from one extreme to the other
All or nothing
Black or white
Too much or not enough
I don't seem to have grasped the concept that there is a whole grey area in between
A balance
A happy medium
I don't fit neatly in the the label of anorexic or bulimic
I think what I have lies somewhere between the two
On any given day I could be one or the other
I guess you could call it anorexia with binge purge sub type
I seem to have the worst traits of both conditions
The rigidity and inflexibility of anorexia and the impulsiveness of bulimia
It's confusing to say the least
But I think probably not too many people meet all the criteria for any illness

I mentioned on Friday that I have become bored of my ED
And I have
I am boring myself
Talking about it
Thinking about
Everything about it
She is like a friend that I've outgrown but won't take the hint and go away
I think it's a good thing though
It doesn't have the same mystique that it once had
Now it's just like a job
A mind numbingly repetitive job
I work hard all week restricting and exercising
And at the end of the week I expect a big fat pay check in the form of weight loss
My weight continues to drop and I continue to not give a shit

I asked my mother this morning if I am going crazy because I really thought that I was this weekend
She said no
She said that yes I am sick but not crazy
Do you ever feel like that?
That along with the weight you are losing your mind?
Losing my mind scares me a lot more than losing my body
I can handle physical pain
Give me it over emotional pain any day of the week
The thought of losing my mind terrifies me
It doesn't bear thinking about

Today I am trying to strike a balance with food
And not err on the side of caution too much
I have no idea  what to eat or how much
Like a child I need to relearn healthy food habits
But it can be done
I know it can
Recovery is possible
It's not something that only happens in books and films
People can and do get better
Yes, it will be unimaginably hard and I will want to tear my hair out
But it will be worth it
I haven't come throught the horrors of heroin addiction on for my ED to kill me
To be free of this thing would be life changing
I have to believe that
Other wise I will completely crack up and really will go insane

Are you like me?
Do you find it hard to strike a balance with food?
Answers on a postcard please?

Supersize V Superskinny

I watched Supersize V Superskinny this week
It was on Thursday night although I'm pretty sure that it wasn't a new episode
For those of you that don't know this show, it takes one very overweight person and one very underweight person and brings them in to what they call 'The feeding clinic'
Basically they swap diets
The show also does segments about people living with obesity and it's consequences and also people living with eating disorders



I have a bit of an issue with this programme but I feel compelled to watch it
For a long time I couldn't understand the reasoning behind getting these people to swap diets
Surely that is just switching from one unhealthy diet to another and how does that help?
How is that healthy?
The underweight people end up eating masses of high fat, high sugar foods and the overweight people end up eating a very restricted diet
And they don't actually explain why they are doing this
But then it hit me why they could be doing this
Maybe it's because the person sees a mirror image of themselves and what they eat
They are sitting across a table from some one eating what they usually eat
So they get to see how excessive or restrictive their diets really are
I know if I had to look at someone eating my diet, I would be concerned for them
When it's me it's ok, but someone else doing it I can see how unhealthy it is

This week we met Jo, a young mum who weighed 21 stone
And Ross, an engineer who stands at 6 feet tall and weighs a meagre 8 stone 11 pounds
The difference between the 2 of them was startling
They were on opposite ends of the same spectrum
Both had incredibly unhealthy diets
Too much and not enough



At the start of the show Dr Christian sent Jo over to the states to meet someone who he felt Jo could end up like
She travelled to Georgia to meet a woman who weighed 38 stone
Like Jo she was a mum of young kids and was finding it increasingly difficult to manage everyday tasks
Jo could relate to her a lot and acknowledged that she was heading the same way

Back in the UK Jo and Ross enter the feeding clinic and swap diets
Jo's potions are huge and she is a serial snacker
Ross goes the whole day without eating and when he does it is just a chocolate bar
Both of them struggle greatly but they carry on and manage to get through the week
At the end of the week they are given their own meal plans to take home
3 months later they return to give an update
Ross looks so much better
It's obvious he has filled out and his face has colour and his eyes are brighter
He managed to gain an impressive 15 pounds and it really suited him
Jo did well too
She lost well over  a stone and looked a lot healthier



Emma Woolf did  a segment on the show
She is a journalist and is recovering from anorexia
You may remember a post a did a few months ago about her book An apple a day which recounts her journey in to recovery
On this show she was investigating whether anorexia is inherited
She spoke to a professor who said that recent studies show that people with anorexia's brains are slightly different to that of people who don't have it
This means that some of us are more susceptible to developing it
This is ground breaking and may help with the treatment of anorexia
Emma spoke to a girl who had grown up watching her mother battle anorexia
The girl also developed an eating disorder but she believes that it was the environment that she grew up in that caused it, rather than her inheriting it
It's an interesting argument
I believe that like addiction our genes can make us more vulnerable but it alone can not cause an eating disorder
I think an eating disorder is born out of a mixture of nature and nurture
I am the only one in my  family to have developed an ED
All my siblings and I were brought up the same way so I can't blame that
Genetics may have loaded the gun but circumstances and environment coupled with plain bad luck pull the trigger
Some people turn to drink or drugs or gambling
And some people stop eating or start purging
They are all different ways to coping
Of hurting ourselves
Of escaping

I have to admit that watching this show can be really triggering
They mention weight a lot and I invariably end up comparing myself to the skinny people
And they do seem to be in their underwear a lot through out the show which I think is un neccesary
They are obviously trying to shock us by showing us extremes
I'm pretty sure that the underweight people do not have eating disorders
Yes, they have an unhealthy relationship with food but they could not be labelled anorexic or bulimic
They know that they are underweight
They are not losing weight on purpose
They just have bad eating habits and losing weight has been a side effect

I truly believe that I could just as easily be over weight
I could be anywhere on the spectrum between skinny and obese
My weight is constantly changing
At my highest weight I was about 130lbs
A perfectly healthy weight for my height but it didn't suit me
I take after my mother and have a small frame
So any extra weight at all really stands out on me
I'm probably at my most comfortable at around 115 - 120 lbs
Although the thought of gaining that weight is terrifying

So yes, now I can see why they get these people to swap diets
There is a method to thier madness

What about you?
Have you seen this show?
What do you think about it?

Meal by meal

I saw Mary this morning
She asks how I am
I tell her how tired I am all the time
That I can't get through the day without a couple of naps
How I feel my motivation is in the toilet, literally
That I have no fight left in me
'You know why that is' she says
I do
I do know
I seem to be in denial though
She asks to see my food monitoring records
I reluctantly show them to her
There's nothing of any substance and if there is it is purged
And to be honest my records are not entirely honest
I add in food here and lie about purging there
But even with my censoring, she still thinks it is a huge problem
She brings up inpatient again
She says that if this is not working then we have to try something else
She can't continue to enable me and she feels that is what she would be doing
I tell her that I don't want to go in to treatment
'What are you willing to do to not have to go then?'

I explain how my thinking is skewed
That the sick part of me wants to feel bad and doesn't want to feel good
Feeling good is so alien to me that I don't know how to handle it when I do feel good
Although these days I rarely feel good
Feeling weak and tired is not particularly nice but it is familiar
It's safe
Feeling good or happy is uncharted territory for me
Part of me feels that I don't deserve to be happy
That I should suffer
Why?
I'm not entirely sure
I'm reading a book called The Anorexic Experience
It talks about how people with anorexia often deny themselves what they need
Not just food but other things like taking care of yourself or heat or fun
At first I couldn't relate to this at all but then I got thinking
I often deliberately keep myself cold
Like if I am the only person in the house, I won't turn on the heat because it's only me and I don't deserve to be warm
Can any of you relate to that?
I don't do nice things for myself for the same reason
It's as if I am not good enough for these basic human rights

I have another appointment with Mary next Tuesday and she said that if things haven't started to move in the right direction she will have to consider other options
So she asked me to make 3 goals that are manageable by Tuesday
So my goals are -

1. - Not to purge
2. - Eat 3 small meals everyday
3. - Keep proper monitoring records

Sounds simple enough doesn't it?
But I would rather climb Mount Everest in a bikini and I would probably have more success
I really don't want to have to go to treatment though and that is motivation to at least try

I explain to Mary how I think that I'm not that bad
That I've been in worse states than this before
However I also thought this when I was addicted to heroin
I thought there were people in worse positions than mine
But I guess it's all relative
Yes, I am not at my lowest ever weight but as I truly believe that weight is not an indicator of how sick we are
It's hard though not to slip in to the way of thinking that it is
And I have to remember that this is not my first rodeo
This has been going on for well over a decade
I am a few years older than a lot of you and I have to remember that
I don't have the luxury of time
I remember my birthday last year
 Suddenly I panicked at the thought of losing another 10 years to this illness
I rang a treatment centre and was motivated to change
I don't quite know what happened but I fell in to a rut and am still there
Years of abusing myself is starting to catch up on me
My body is hurting
It's tired and drained and cold and frail
When I came out of the session I poke to my mother
I said to her what I said to Mary, that I'm not that bad
'Ruby you are '  she said 'You look sick'
She said that yes, I have been a lower weight but now I am so entrenched in these behaviours that it seems I am getting worse
I'm not getting any better that's for sure

Yesterday my mother and I went to visit my neighbour in hospital
She is in her sixties and up until very recently was in good health
But she has gone down hill rapidly and having avoided going to the doctor for a long time, she is now in a bad way in hospital
I panicked a little bit when I realised that she was in the same ward  that I was in back in March
When I saw her I got such a shock
She was lying in bed and she looked like she had aged 10 years
This was a woman who was full of life
A true Dub (person from Dublin) with a great sense of humour
She always said exactly what she thought and I guess you would consider her a bit fiery
Fiercely independent
But I loved that about her
She seemed to recognize us but she was making very little sense
As we held her hands she she started to cry
It was heart breaking
I came out of there feeling quite upset
It suddenly hit me that that will be all of us someday
We're all going to get old and die and it will come sooner than we think
It made me think about how life is not a dress rehearsal
We don't get a second chance to do things properly
It made me think how much I am missing while in this state
I've already lost so much
My independence
My friends
Job
Education
Peace of mind
Sanity
Happiness
Health
Do I really want to lose any more?
Possibly my life?

A good friend once said to me that it's not a choice between recovery and my ED, it's a choice between life and death
I think this is so true
Living with an ED is choosing death
It's choosing not to live
For me it is anyway
My mother asked me today was I afraid when I was admitted to hospital in March with pancreatitis
The  truth is I wasn't
I wasn't afraid of death
I was more afraid of life
I'm 'living' in a bubble at the moment
Nothing comes in and nothing goes out
Everyday is the same
I get through the day only to start again the next day
I get through the week only to start a new one
Nothing happens
Nothing changes
It's like ground hog day
The same day over and over again
I'm so very tired of it
So bored of it
My ED  has become monotonous and boring
I'm over it

I remember when I gave up drugs I was motivated
I had sunk so low that I couldn't go any lower
I had a fire inside me that motivated me
And when I'm determined to do something there is no stopping me
Drugs are similar to EDs but the do differ a bit
With drugs I could walk away from my old life
From old friends
From my town
From the drugs
I moved across the country and started over
With an  ED it's not that simple
I can't cut food out of my life
Well I could but that would defeat the purpose
I have to learn to deal with food and that is the hard part

I know that if I put in half the energy in to recovery that I do in to my ED, then I would be well on my way
I guess it boils down to how much do I want this
I am in two minds and I can't seem to make a decision and stick to eat
I want to want to get well if that makes sense

So I'm going to try
I'm going to fight
Even if my only motivation is to stay out out of hospital
That's ok
Whatever helps
I'll have to take it day by day
Meal by meal
This shit has to stop
And it stops today