Not quite perfect

I'm heading home today
I don't quite know how I got through this week but I did
I think maybe it might have been to soon to go away for a week but I had to do it sometime
Dive in to the deep end
After The salt incident I rang Mary
She is always telling me that I can ring her anytime but this is the first time I've taken her up on her offer
The minute I heard her voice I started crying again
She waited for me to compose myself
I told her what had happened
How hard I've been trying
That is wasn't really about the salt
More than that it was a build up of feelings and emotions and the salt was the last straw
As ever, Mary was calm which calmed me down
She talked me through the last few days and we identified things that were difficult and triggering
I got off the phone feeling a whole lot better

But the incident has set me back a bit
I've been restricting ever since and purged twice yesterday
I feel like I've gained weight
A lot of weight
Even though I am usually wrong about these things, I still feel huge
I'm excited but also terrified to weigh myself when I get home
I probably shouldn't but I know that I will do it anyway

Addictive thinking is quite strong at the moment
I've been slightly paranoid
Thinking that people are annoyed with me
Fed up with me
Afraid to speak sometimes for fear of what people will think of me
And also people pleasing
I don't say what I'd like to do
I always put other people's needs or wants ahead of my own
In drug recovery and I'm sure it's the same for ED recovery, they say that you need to be a little bit selfish
That you have to recognize your own needs and  do what is best for you
I really struggle with this
I think it's partly not feeling good enough
Partly that I don't deserve to have these needs and wants met
I need to start doing this though
It's all part of looking after myself
I think a huge part of my ED is self denial
Feeling unworthy of things
Not just denial of food and water but also things like heat or fun or comfort
Are you like that?

As hard as this week was there were some positives and I have to acknowledge them
Every so often I got a glimpse of the old Ruby
The sarcastic, fun loving girl that I used to be
She is trying to break through the walls of anorexia
I can feel it
And I know if I just let her, she could come out
All too often I push her so far down that all is left is  my ED
And my ED has no personality
She is cold and aloof and silent
For a long time I thought that my personality had disappeared
That I was just left with an empty shell
Hollow inside
But now I am starting to see that the real Ruby is still in there
She has just been pushed to one side by anorexia and bulimia

I've also realised how stuck in my ways I am at home
Every day is the exact same
I do the same thing every day almost to the minute
I made a huge effort this week to break out of my routine
It was incredibly hard at first
It felt so wrong
But 5 days later I can see the benefits
I've tried to go with the flow and not worry about my own rigid rules
The trick now is try and do this at home

The other thing I've become aware of is my impulsiveness
Making snap decisions without thinking of the consequences
For example I saw a lovely pair of jeans and a nice top in a shop
I immediately wanted to buy both even though I couldn't afford to
Being aware of my compulsion to shop, I left the shop to think about it
I went back yesterday and decided to just buy the top
And I felt good for not leaving myself broke


Overall this week has been a huge lesson
I've made mistakes and learned from them
I've reached out for help
I've tried to give myself a break
Tried to enjoy myself inspite of myself
The only hurdle I'm avoiding is my weight
I'm just not ready to regain
Not yet

Girl giving free hugs in the street

The salt incident

Yesterday was unimaginably hard
I thought the day would never end
It started out fine although I skipped breakfast
We went for a walk through Barna Woods and down to Silverstrand Beach where we sat in the sun for ages
We came home and just sat around chatting
Evening came and it was time for dinner
We brought a table outside and my brother and his girlfriend made a lovely dinner of pork stir fry
I had been psyching myself up all day for this meal
I really wanted to eat with the others and keep it down
I carried my food out to the table and settled on a cushion
Noticing there was no salt and pepper I went back in to the kitchen to get some
It was a salt grinder and I held it over my food and twisted the top
I didn't notice at first but I was actually twisting the whole lid
I had just realised what I was doing when the whole lid came off and dumped the full container of salt all over my lovely dinner
It didn't help matters that this was Californian sea salt that had been a present from my brother's friend
Some sort of noise came out of me, like a sharp intake of breath
Everyone went silent for what seemed like eternity
'There's always one' my brother said
I snapped out of staring at the salt and took my plate inside
I scraped most of the salt off but the meal was ruined

All of a sudden I could feel tears behind my eyes
Knowing what was coming next, I left the plate and run upstairs
Cue mini meltdown
The tears came hot and fast
I couldn't catch my breath and started making noises like a donkey
I felt like I couldn't breath and realised I was having a panic attack
I tried to take deep breaths but I couldn't get any air in to my lungs
Mu mother came up and tried to calm me down but I couldn't
The more I couldn't breath the more I panicked
My brother's girlfriend then came up and sat with me
She said 'Don't worry Ruby, it was just salt'
And I know it was just salt but that wasn't the real reason I was crying

I realised later the real reason for my drama queen antics
I had been trying so hard
So fucking hard to be normal
To eat with others
To eat proper food
And to keep it down
Every meal was a battle
I was determined that I was going to eat this meal and not purge
And then I managed to fuck it up despite my efforts
I didn't need my ED to ruin it
I could do that all on my own
When the salt landed all over my dinner, I just thought feck this, why do I even bother?

All these feelings and emotions had been building up all week
And I didn't have an appointment with Mary this week
I don't want to be talking about my ED with family all the time because it's boring for them listening to me prattle on about food and weight
That's the other thing, my weight
I've been without my scale since Monday and I have no idea what weight I am
It's driving me nuts not knowing
I feel like a pressure cooker and all these feelings are boiling over

It's so tempting to go running in to the arms of my ED
Where everything is safe
Where there are no messy feelings
Where I'm in control
But in reality I know that it's an illusion
A trick
It's still tempting though
Even an illusion is better than what I'm feeling now

My brother and my mother spoke to me last night
They said that I am too hard on myself
That's true, I am
And I seem to be hyper sensitive
To the point that I find it really difficult to be around people
I just retreat in to my shell like a frightened turtle
I almost apologise for existing
I've been in the shelter of my ED for so long that I forget how to just be me
How to have fun (because anorexia doesn't allow fun)
How to laugh
How to forget my worries and just be me
I feel like I am behind a pane of glass looking in at the world
I can see and hear everything but I am on the outside looking in
I need to smash that glass
Break through
Break out of this prison I'm in

The urge to restrict is huge
I binged and purged last night because I just needed some relief
But it doesn't seem to work as well any more
I'm so torn
I don't know which way is up any more
Which way to go
If this is what recovery is then I don't want it
Not today anyway

Fighting Ana and Mia

I'm in Galway for a few days visiting my brother and his girlfriend
I'm always apprehensive about leaving home but I really wanted to come
I made the decision before I left that I was going to make a huge effort to eat little and often, eat with others and not bail out and stay in the house and binge and purge
The first night we got here we all had dinner
Chicken marinated in lemon with asparagus and a little rice
It was a small portion
I had to give myself a pep talk all the way through eating it

Come on Ruby, you can do this!
Remember this is healthy food
You are not going to gain 10 lbs from eating one meal

After the meal I stayed at the table
I refused to bulimia ruin my little holiday
I got through it
My first meal in years without purging
This may not sound like a big deal for some but for me it was a freakin' revelation
And because I had eaten properly, I wasn't craving sugar all evening
Hence I didn't binge, hence I didn't purge
Why hasn't anyone told me about this before?
That if I eat properly then I won't binge?
Well actually Mary has been saying this ever since I started seeing her
But it has taken until now for her words to sink in
I also had soup yesterday with a small piece of bread, no purging

The weather is still hot and I am struggling with fatigue
We were out for a few hours yesterday and when we came home I slept all evening, only waking up to have a cigarette
My mood is up and down and all over the place but I am trying to enjoying myself and not let anorexia or any of her minions ruin my little holiday
I'm not going to lie, it is hard
My head constantly tells me that I am fat
That I don't deserve to enjoy myself
That I have gained 10lbs
That I should just finish myself off
Socially I am struggling
I'm just not used to being around people all the time
But I guess that comes with practise
I'm trying to do the opposite of what my ED tells me
Trying to be kind to myself and not give myself a hard time
Some days all I want to do is curl up in bed but where would that get me?
I have admit that I have had my slip ups
I purged after a sandwich yesterday and I bought an enema (after a lecture from the pharmacist)
But overall things are going better than I thought
Baby steps all the way!

I might not get to read or comment a lot this week but I am thinking of you all

Here's some photos for you delectation

The pictures of the dolls are by an artist called Rosemary Fallon, I love them
The Arts Festival is on here this week so many interesting characters about ..........

Man carving dog out of sand

Man playing cardboard guitar

Signs

Monday again
In the past week or so nothing has really happened but everything is changing
Thinking about it, it started last weekend
I can't really talk about what happened but lets just say it was enough to make take a good hard look at my own life and where I'm going
I think I already wrote about getting hyper from lack of food last Sunday
It wasn't on purpose
I only realised at the end of the day that I hadn't eaten
In this hot weather my appetite disappears
It happened again yesterday but when I became aware of it, I made myself eat something
It was such a scary feeling
It seems that my whatever about my body, my mind can't take not eating anymore
It's had enough
I've had enough

Last Friday I had a session with Mary and also my mother attended
To be honest I was dreading it
I worried about what my mother would say
Would it be the same as what I had told Mary?
I thought about cancelling but my mother seemed to want to do it so I went
In the event it was fine
It was positive and quite light hearted compared to the first one
It was eye opening to hear her perspective
I left feeling hopeful and motivated, something that eludes me most of the time

As you know I believe in signs
I believe if you look you will see clear signs pointing you in the right direction
I at the beach Saturday morning and had to go shopping and then fill my car with petrol
Usually I go shopping first but yesterday for some reason I went to the filling station first and went to one that I don't usually go to
I can't say why I just felt that's what I should do
I was coming out from paying and just about to get in to my car when I heard someone calling me
I turned around and saw a guy in a black car with shades on
He was waving
At first I had no idea who he was and just stood staring at him
Then I realised who it was
It was a guy a used to be friendly with and went to meetings with
I walked over genuinely happy to see him
We chatted for a while even though we were still parked at the petrol pump
I told him a little bit if what's going on and how I really want to go back to meetings
He was very kind and listened and made some good suggestions
I left telling him that I would see him at a meeting soon

When I got back to my car and drove off I started thinking what a coincidence that was
It was quite early on a Saturday morning in a town neither of us are from at a place I never usually go and it's probably the first time I've seen him in over a year
I had actually texted this guy last week to wish him a happy birthday and then he was put in my path
Strange but true
I took it as a clear sign that it's time to go back to meetings
Even if it wasn't  a sign, it's still a reason to go back

Also the fact that my doctor is out sick indefinitely
The woman doctor who replaced him is so nice and on the ball and she told that her sister had an ED when she was a teenager
Was this doctor put in my path too?

In the afternoon we went down to see my nephews new kittens
I love animals and they were adorable
I was taking photos and I asked my mother to take one of my sister and I
When I looked at it I noticed the difference between the two of us
I looked tired and frail and she looked healthy and fit
I didn't like what I saw
It scared me

Yesterday morning I got that same hyper feeling again
It's like I had boundless energy and couldn't stop talking
I remember feeling like this when I was in Australia
One day in particular
I hadn't eaten in two days and we were going out for dinner that night with my sister's parents
I wasn't aware of it at the time but thinking back I was quite manic
They must have thought I was nuts
It's only now that I am starting to make connections between my intake and my mood and my mental state
Yes, only now
I began to get really scared yesterday and could feel paranoia creeping in
I went to my mother and told her I was worried about myself
That I felt I was going crazy
That maybe I should go to hospital
She managed to convince me that I wasn't
I immediately ate something
She was going to meet her cousin at the beach for a walk and she suggested that I go too
I was afraid to stay on my own so I went
Very unusual for me
So I went and I was so glad that I did
The change of scenery and getting out of my own head made a huge difference
My head went quiet and I even relaxed and laughed a little
We spent a few hours there and by the time I got home I was feeling a million times better

All these things and more have made me very afraid
I have never been afraid when it comes to my ED
Drugs, yes
I got to a point where I was terrified of what would happen next and that's how I feel now
What will happen next?
Will I really lose my mind?
Will my body give up?
As I've said many times this thing eventually catches up with you no matter what weight you are
I think it's good to be afraid
A bit of fear is healthy
And why wouldn't I be afraid?
I actually can't believe it's taken this long to finally become scared

So I've been making myself eat
Little and often
Even though I don't want to
Even thought the scales was a little up this morning
Even though my whole body is screaming NO!
I'm doing my level best not to purge
I'm doing little things to help myself
I'm trying
I have to
There is nothing that recovery can throw at me that is worse than being this way

Hot and Cold

The weather is hotting up in this part of the world
Apparently it is hotter here than it is in Spain
Very unusual for little old Ireland
If you've ever been here you will know that the weather is extremely unpredictable
If you are heading out for a day you need to be prepared for all kinds of weather
The sun could be shining one minute only for the heavens to open and rain upon you the next
It's best to prepare for every eventuality
Maybe wear something light but always, I repeat always have a rain coat and an umbrella handy
Odds are that at some point, most likely when you least expect, it will rain
And I'm not talking about the odd drop of rain
I'm talking about huge big fat rain drops that will soak you to the bone in seconds
They may or may not be accompanied by great gusts of wind that will ruin hair before you have time to get inside, leaving you looking like you've just stuck your finger in a plug socket
Snow in May and sunshine in February are not uncommon

So yes, for the last few days we have been sweltering in the heat
Everyone is stripped down to their bare essentials
Every second person is sporting angry red sunburn
I don't know what it is about this country but we don't seem to have grasped the fact that lying in the sun is dangerous and that sunburn is un attractive
But don't hold that against us, we rarely see the sun here so when we do we take full advantage of it
I think that we are so pale here that the thinking seems to be that blotchy red sunburn is better than no colour at all
I remember when I was in Australia back in January, I got sunburned after a day at the beach
I distinctly remember my sister telling me that I was 'wearing my ignorance on my body'
Nicely put I thought
But I have learned since then and I don't sit out in the full glare of the sun anymore

I actually don't like extreme heat
It saps my already dwindling energy reserves and it makes me restless
So I've been sitting in the shade and reading my book
My dogs are struggling too and take cover in the cool of the stone kitchen floor
I would much rather be too cold than too hot

In this country people get great mileage out of talking about the weather
It's a topic that is constantly spoken about day in, day out
In shops
With people you meet on the street
At watercoolers the country over
Everywhere
People bond over talking about the weather
Mostly they like to complain about it
If it's really cold they will compare stories about how their radiators are air locked or how much they are spending on oil to heat their house or how they almost died of hypothermia (ok I'm exaggerating now)
If it's hot people will pretend they are enjoying the good weather but in reality they are melting and won't
 mind telling you that they are sweating profusely
People try to out do each other with stories of how it was so cold that their wee froze before it hit the toilet bowl or it was so hot they had sunstroke
We are never happy

The thing I don't like about the summer is the fact that we have to wear less clothes
Well we don't have to but it's not very nice covering up and stewing in your own sweat
I was on my own today so I wore a pair of shorts and a boob tube top
But if I was going out I would only get my arms out
I much prefer Winter or Autumn and snuggling up in a nice baggy jumper and jeans
Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate this fine spell we are having but my ED doesn't
She tells me that I am too fat to expose my body
That people will snigger at me if I do
It's terrifying having your body on show
I feel so uncomfortable unless I am enveloped in layers of clothes
Yes, this weather is great and all but I'll gladly take back the rain and cold
I can handle rain and cold
I can't handle this heat

I absolutely hate sweating and try to avoid it if I can at all
Sweating reminds me of being sick
Of having no drugs and being strung out
Sweating is one of the first things that happen when you are sick
And not just little beads of sweat
Oh no
This is serious sweat that soaks your clothes and bed linen
Hot and cold
So ever since quitting drugs I've had a phobia against sweating
It reminds me of bad times

Come back rain, all is forgiven!

Do you like the heat?
Are you like me and hate wearing less clothes?

Don't call me crazy: Part 3

The final episode of Don't call me crazy was on last night
I'm sorry that it's over now as I feel I've become so involved with the characters and I wonder how they are doing
I think this episode was the best of the 3
I'm not quite sure why
Maybe because the kids were getting used to having the cameras around
Maybe because it focused more on the kids characters and personalities rather than highlighting dramatic incidents
What ever the reason was I think it gave a good insight in to what goes on in the minds of people with mental health issues

This week the show concentrated mostly on the boys but also followed up Beth's story
First we met Matty
Matty was 17
He hears voices
One in particular which tells him that someone is going to kill him on his 18th birthday which was fast approaching
He was convinced he was going to die and was pre empting this by trying to take his own life before it happeneD
Can you imagine that?
Really believing that someone was going to kill you
He must have been terrified out of his mind
It doesn't bear thinking about
We saw his room where he had written down all the things he heard in his head
These voices seemed to plague him and we saw him sitting in the corridor banging his head and telling them to shut up



As his birthday grew closer and closer Matty became increasingly anxious
Also he wasn't sure where he was going to be as the unit were trying to get him transferred to an adult unit
In the end he was moved and turned 18 there
That will be a big adjustment moving from the adolescent services to the adult one and I hope he gets the support that he needs

Then we met George
George was described as being as talented rugby player who had won a sports scholarship to a prestigious boarding school in Cumbria
But since moving from his home in Essex he had fallen in to a deep depression and had tried to kill himself
He spoke very openly about his illness and was a very likeable chap
He clicked with Beth straight and you could tell they liked each other as they seemed to spent a lot of time hitting and throwing things at each other
He seemed very mature for his age and made the difficult decision not to return to boarding school as he felt that he would have more support at home




I thought it was so brave of the two boys to speak out
Especially George as he would have been in very male environment being a rugby player at boarding school
Men aren't seen as emotional creatures and are often told to 'suck it up' and 'be a man'
It easy to forget that they suffer with mental health issues just as much as girls and are more likely to commit suicide
I know in this country there is a huge problem with young male suicide
I think this particular episode will really help young men out there who are struggling
I hope it does anyway

Maybe these young people are signs that mental illness doesn't have as much of a stigma as it once had
I know it's still there but it is programmes like this and young people speaking out and giving mental illness a face that will really change the way people think about these issues
It shows that it can happen to anyone
And it doesn't mean you are crazy
It doesn't mean you are violent
It means you need some help and we need to come to a place where we feel comfortable asking for that help without fear of judgement or ridicule or being locked up

This episode also followed Beth as she prepared to leave the unit
After 6 long months of ups and down
Highs and lows
Being sectioned
And lots of tears, she was finally told that she was well enough to go home
She did have a little slip in her final days and self harmed but I think that was understandable
She must have been feeling anxious about leaving
I know any time I was leaving was always a shaky time
I wanted to leave but I was also terrified
Beth let the camera film her being weighed and we were told her weight
I thought this was amazingly brave of her
I think for us being weighed is an incredibly intimate thing
It's like bearing your soul
It was definitely a sign of her getting well
One thing that did worry me though was her  reaction when her sleeping meds were stopped
She became very upset and I wondered why
I think it concerned me because I get the same way when ever my meds are adjusted
And I for me that is partly due to my addiction
It didn't specifically say why she was so upset but I hope that she wasn't becoming dependent on them
At last her final day came
She was elated to be going home at long last but I could tell she was nervous
It's a huge adjustment leaving treatment
Going from having 24 hour support to being on your own is difficult
And the chance of relapse can be high
But it said that Beth was doing well even if she was struggling to maintain her weight
She was also told that she could return to her beloved dancing
I was glad of this
I didn't think it made any sense to take away the one thing that brought her joy

In this episode I think it gave the most realistic picture of what life is like in a place like this
It showed the kids messing around and laughing a lot
And there are a lot of laughs
There are many tears too but a lot of laughs
After all they are kids and kids want to have fun and get up to mischief
I liked that they concentrated to their personalities
It showed that we are much more than our illness
Underneath the labels and diagnosis, we are just regular people
We just happen to have mental health issues
Some people have diabetes or CF or a bad heart
Some people have the problem in their minds
It's no different
So why are we so afraid of mental illness?
Maybe it's because we only hear the horror stories of when someone is violent
But these are rare cases
Most of the time you wouldn't know that someone had a mental health issue
You would only know if they told you
We do not stand out
We do not act crazy
We are human too

Did you see this episode?
What did you think?

Anorexia V Bulimia

Gosh, Monday comes around so quickly
Too quickly
Even though I'm doing not very much, time seems to slip by so fast
It's a good thing and a bad thing
It means the world is still turning even though my life has come to a stand still
But it also means that the weeks are turning in to months and the months are turning in to years
I swear I blinked and 10 years went by
And I am still in this place where time has no meaning

I saw my doctor first thing
Notice I am saying 'my doctor' and not 'nice woman doctor'
Yes I have adopted her
Not officially of course,  I am still under my other doctor, only in my head
I finally decided to ask why my usual doctor has been out for so long
It turns out he has done his back in and needs surgery
Looks like he will be out for a while
She asks how I am
I tell her some but not all
She asks if the interruption to seeing my usual doctor has been stressful
I almost laughed when she said this because it has actually been the opposite
A fresh pair of eyes on the situation has helped I think
I tell that it hasn't been too stressful
That I find it easier to talk to someone I don't know than someone I do know
You can't disappoint someone that doesn't know you
After speaking for a while she tells me that her sister had an ED when she was a teenager
I was a bit blown away that she shared that with me
I wanted to ask loads of questions but I held back and just asked her if she had recovered
She had
I was glad
Maybe it's this reason that she is taking my case so seriously
She really listens
I can tell because she stops writing and turns and looks directly at me
She often tells me not to beat myself up about things
I need to hear that
I seem to beat myself up about the littlest things
And my ED thrives on that
On guilt and shame
I leave feeling hopeful
And you know what?
I don't even know this doctor's name
And I don't really want to know
I just like to think of her as a kind stranger

I wrote on Friday about wanting to address the purging and it was one of my goals for this week
Friday went ok
I purged once
But in my eagerness to stop I seem to be going to the other extreme
All of a sudden I am afraid to eat and even drink because I don't want to purge
Yesterday was not a good day
I went the whole day without eating and drank only a small amount of water
I don't know about you but when I stop eating I get really hyper
I'm like an energiser bunny
Talking non stop
Moving in fast forward
I actually became afraid last night because I couldn't calm down and forced myself to eat some tea and toast
I don't know why it is although I'm sure there is a biological reason for it
I really don't like it though
I feel so out of control

It bothers me greatly that I seem to bounce from one extreme to the other
All or nothing
Black or white
Too much or not enough
I don't seem to have grasped the concept that there is a whole grey area in between
A balance
A happy medium
I don't fit neatly in the the label of anorexic or bulimic
I think what I have lies somewhere between the two
On any given day I could be one or the other
I guess you could call it anorexia with binge purge sub type
I seem to have the worst traits of both conditions
The rigidity and inflexibility of anorexia and the impulsiveness of bulimia
It's confusing to say the least
But I think probably not too many people meet all the criteria for any illness

I mentioned on Friday that I have become bored of my ED
And I have
I am boring myself
Talking about it
Thinking about
Everything about it
She is like a friend that I've outgrown but won't take the hint and go away
I think it's a good thing though
It doesn't have the same mystique that it once had
Now it's just like a job
A mind numbingly repetitive job
I work hard all week restricting and exercising
And at the end of the week I expect a big fat pay check in the form of weight loss
My weight continues to drop and I continue to not give a shit

I asked my mother this morning if I am going crazy because I really thought that I was this weekend
She said no
She said that yes I am sick but not crazy
Do you ever feel like that?
That along with the weight you are losing your mind?
Losing my mind scares me a lot more than losing my body
I can handle physical pain
Give me it over emotional pain any day of the week
The thought of losing my mind terrifies me
It doesn't bear thinking about

Today I am trying to strike a balance with food
And not err on the side of caution too much
I have no idea  what to eat or how much
Like a child I need to relearn healthy food habits
But it can be done
I know it can
Recovery is possible
It's not something that only happens in books and films
People can and do get better
Yes, it will be unimaginably hard and I will want to tear my hair out
But it will be worth it
I haven't come throught the horrors of heroin addiction on for my ED to kill me
To be free of this thing would be life changing
I have to believe that
Other wise I will completely crack up and really will go insane

Are you like me?
Do you find it hard to strike a balance with food?
Answers on a postcard please?