2 Years Old!

Today is the 30th of April
My blog is exactly 2 years old today
And what a rollercoaster those two years have been
I checked back on my first few posts to see where my head was at back then
I wrote about doing fasts
Wanting to lose weight
Some could say that it was verging on pro ana

I had been reading blogs for a while before I started my own
I was lonely
I craved to be around others like me
And I found a whole community of people who thought and felt just like me
At first I really wanted to fit in
I wanted to belong
So I wrote about wanting to lose weight and weight loss methods
But the one thing that I have never felt comfortable doing is encouraging others to lose weight or congratulating someone on losing weight
It just didn't sit right with me

My writing has gradually changed over time
Until I found a style that I was comfortable with
It's pretty matter of fact and honest
No sugar coating things
I want to tell the truth about what it's really like to live with an eating disorder
It's not pretty
It's not romantic
It's not even about food anymore
It's bigger than that
Living with an eating disorder and addiction is soul destroying
It wears you down
Drains you of any positivity or energy that you once had
And it  doesn't just effect me
Like ripples in a pond it effects everyone around me
Not only did I get sick
But my whole family got sick too
That's the sad reality

Living with an eating disorder is like dancing with the Devil
It lures you in with false promises of happiness, popularity and success
It whispers in your ear
That you are fat
Worthless
A failure
It convinces you that if you listen to it then everything will be ok
If you lose weight all your problems will be solved
It's as simple as that

Of course now I know that this is all lies
My eating disorder wants me dead
I have no doubt about that
But even with all this knowledge and awareness
Even knowing what I need to do to help myself
I keep going back to my ed again and again
Why?
Because it's all I know
Because it's familiar
Because I know no other way
Because I think that this time will be different
This time I won't let it spin out of control

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result
I have been doing the same thing for over a decade now and my ed still tricks me in to thinking that this time will be different
She is so sneaky
So cunning
So manipulative and seductive
And I get sucked in every time

So two years on has anything changed?
Well, I'm a little older
A little wiser (debatable)
My anxiety has definitely got worse
I've lost about 25 pounds
If anything I would say that I am no nearer to recovery
Essentially I am stuck
Stuck in the binge purge cycle
Stuck in my house
Stuck in life

Those 2 years have absolutely flown by
It's scary how fast time goes by
It's scary how nothing changes if nothing changes
I don't let myself think about the future
It's too overwhelming to think about
All I can do is try to do my best today
Keep fighting
Keep writing
Keep hoping

Of course the best thing about writing this blog is the amazing friends that I have made
I won't name you all
You know who you are
And after my last post I've met a whole host of new friends
You all have been so supportive over the last 2 years
Thanks you for that
Thank you for being there
For reading and commenting
And for never giving up on me even when I did
Happy Birthday to my blog!

Calling all readers!

This blog gets quite a lot of hits everyday
A lot of people seem to read
However only a tiny percentage of these readers leave a comment
I do know quite a few of you that read and comment
But there must so many that I don't know
I received a comment recently from a reader from the Netherlands
She stated that she had been reading for some time but it was her first time to comment
I just love getting comments like this
It blows my mind to think that there are people all over the world reading my words and leaving words of hope and love
Comments truly make my day
I think what we have here is unique
We have a community where we are heard
Where we feel safe to be ourselves without fear of judgement
Where we can share our darkest secrets
Where everyone is welcomed with open arms
Where there is no shame
That is rare these days

So I wanted to invite you today to introduce yourself
I you have been reading for a while and never commented before
If you have been reading from the start
If you drop by from time to time
If you have addiction, disordered eating or mental health issues
If you are curious
If you don't like my blog
If you can relate
If you are feeling hopeless
Or hopeful
Whether you are ill or in recovery
If you are afraid
If you have a blog about similar or different issues
I would love to hear from you
I would love to know why you read
Do you like this blog?
Or do you disagree with what I write about?
I am so interested to find out
Looking forward to meeting you.........

Strandhill April 2014

I spent a lovely day in Strandhill yesterday with my Mum, my sister, my nephew and Honey and Lea
The weather is great at the moment so we made the most of it
I was reluctant to go as it was a 40 minute drive and my confidence is low at the moment, driving included
But I pushed myself to go and I am so glad that I did
I thoroughly enjoyed myself
Here are some photos from the day
Enjoy........

I left an anonymous letter for someone to find

Nine Lives?

My mother and I were standing in line at the supermarket this morning
As we were waiting, I flicked through  magazine
There were many articles about Peaches Geldof
Her death is still a mystery
As we walked out of the shop, I asked my Mum how she thought Peaches had died
Where as many thought it might have been drugs
My Mum suspects that it might have had something to do with disordered eating
She was painfully thin

Then we got talking about addiction and eating disorders
How it was so very sad that Peaches died at just 25 years of age
My mother commented that I was lucky to be alive given all that I have been through
That got me thinking
I guess I am lucky to be alive
Or unlucky
Depends on which way you look at it
I've lived through a horrific drug addiction
Was hospitalized twice after overdosing
I was in a horrible car crash when my boyfriend at the time fell asleep at the wheel
So many dark things can happen when you're immersed in the murky world of addiction
It feels like so long ago now
Sometimes I can't tell if it really happened or if I dreamt it
It's like it happened to someone else

I lived in desperate conditions
Associated with dangerous people
At the time I had no concept of how much danger I was in
My mother says that I was always a risk taker
That I liked to live on the edge
And was attracted to alternative people
I craved drama and excitement and danger
I know that I am blessed to have made it out relatively unscathed
Many of the people I knew didn't
Many are still in the midst of their addiction
Many are dead

As I got my addiction under control, my eating disorder began to spiral out of control
As my weight dropped to all time low, my health deteriorated and was hospitalized many times
Then last year I was hospitalized with pancreatitis
But thankfully made a good recovery
It makes me wonder
Why are some people taken so young and so soon?
Why are others spared?
Is there a reason?
Is just plain bad luck?
I'm not quite sure
In some ways I think it would have been easier if I had died
But easier on who?
Me?
Yes, for sure
But not my family
It would break their hearts

My Mum and I also spoke about the addiction gene
I truly believe that I was pre-disposed to be becoming an addict
Addiction is rampant on my father's side of the family
On my mothers side there is none
My 2 sisters have also had addiction problems in the past
My brother never has
Not only were my chances of becoming an addict increased
But I think we addicts also think differently
In much the same way as someone with an ed thinks
We seem to be me more sensitive
Tend to be more negative
Have low confidence and self esteem
And we are very hard on ourselves
We're more likely to experience depression and other mental health issues
It's easy to feel angry about this
To ask 'Why me?'
But I stopped feeling angry a long time ago
It got me no where

I tend to have quite a positive outlook about my situation
An outsider may look at my life and feel pity for me
But I don't want pity
There are plenty of people worse off than me
I've lived an amazing life
It's been exciting
Dangerous
Dramatic
I've experienced so many different things
Yes, there have been many lows
Crippling lows
But I look at the positive
I've met the most amazing people through out my life
Made so many fantastic friends
That in itself outweighs all the negatives
I've had the opportunity to go to brilliant treatment centres and learned so much about myself
Because of what I have been through, I have empathy and understanding
My life has made me what I am today
I'm stronger for it
I'm tougher for it
And I always, always have hope

I was talking to Mary last week
About how sometimes I feel inadequate around my own family because they are all so educated and have fancy degrees and I don't
Mary told me that I have the best degree going
From the University of Life
Money can't buy that
And it's true
I've had an education of a different kind
And I wouldn't swap it for the world!

Half full or half empty?

I have to admit that I am a confirmed pessimist
To me the glass is always half empty
My mind seems to go to the worst possible out come
Maybe it's because of the life I've lived
Maybe it's because I was born this way
Maybe it's because of the experiences that I've had
I'm not sure

I was wondering about you
Are you a glass half full or a glass half empty type of person?
Are you an optimist or a pessimist?
Inquiring minds want to know......

Donegal!

I spent the Easter bank holiday weekend with my mum and Uncle Dominic in Co. Donegal
When my mother first suggested that we go away I was not best pleased
A whole weekend away from the bubble that it is my house?
A whole 3 days of unpredictable things that could send my anxiety in to over drive?
I politely declined at first
However she made a good argument
What else would I be doing?
And the weather was glorious
(There must be something wrong with me because I don't particularly like good weather, I love cold, crisp Autumn and Winter days, I can see why others love the sun. I just don't care for it much)
So I made a deal with my Mum
I would agree to go away but once I got there I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to
She was just glad to get me out of the house I think

In the end I had a lovely weekend
My uncle is easy going and laid back and I get on quite well with him
He on the other hand may think that I am a bit crazy as I was obsessively buying packets of crisps
I ate out twice
I went to Glenveagh National Park
Bought some new clothes
And walked on a beautiful beach

Instead of telling you all about it, here are some photos
Enjoy...........

Tongue firmly in cheek!

It was last night
About midnight
Usually I would be tucked up in my bed at this time but it being Sunday night, I was all out of meds and paying the price for it
I just knew I wasn't going to sleep
Anyway
I was hungry
Not hungry as in I might have some crackers or some fruit
Hungry as in the hunger that only a person with an eating disorder can understand
It being Sunday and the end of the week, I was not exactly flush financially speaking so suffice to say I did not have my favourite go-to binge foods in the house
So I went on a scavanger hunt around my kitchen
My sister had dropped off 2 Easter eggs earlier that day but I was looking for something savoury
Most people are either a savoury or sweet person
Being the greedy bulimic that I am, I like both in equal measures
But at this particular moment in time, I wanted savoury
And nothing else would do

Pasta?
Check
Pasta sauce?
No
Ok, scratch that idea
Try the fridge
Bacon?
Mmmmm.........that could work
BLT maybe?
Yes, that sounds good
Tomatoes?
Check
Lettuce?
Check
Nice crusty bread?
No
Never mind, regular sliced bread will do

I peel the bacon out of the packet and slap it on the grill
That just gives me enough time to get everything else ready
I shred some curly lettuce
Slice some plump red tomatoes
Popped the bread in the toaster
Now for the sauce
I don't particularly like tomato sauce or mayonnaise
But mix them together to make a Marie Rose type sauce?
Heaven
Just enough creaminess from the mayonnaise and a lovely tangy bite from the ketchup
I open the mayonnaise jar and to my absolute horror (again only the horror that a ravenous bulimic can understand) the jar is empty!
Fuck!
Fuckity fuck!

Then I remember that I am one of those annoying people who puts the empty jar back in the fridge
Note to self: Need to stop doing that

Ok
The bacon is nearly done
What do I do?
Think Ruby, think!
What would McGuyver do?
I quickly scan the fridge
I spot some coleslaw right in the back
Coleslaw is made of mostly mayonnaise right?
That will work
I fish it out and check the expiry date
April 11 2014
After a few seconds thought I make an executive decision and decide to use it
There's no turning back now

My bacon is done
My toast has popped
I mix the coleslaw and the ketchup and quite frankly it looks disgusting
But I keep going
I place the lettuce, bacon and tomato neatly on my bread
I quickly make a cup of tea and head to the living room to settle down in front of the tv

I take a big bite
At first it tastes ok
The bacon is salty
The tomatoes are juicy
But then I get to the bread
It doesn't taste right
Not right at all
I try not to notice
I try to pretend that it is ok
I manage to finish half the sandwich before I admit defeat
This shit is revolting
I throw the rest in the bin
I wouldn't insult my dogs by giving it to them

I am distraught
All that hard work and love and energy for nothing!
After a visit to the bathroom I sit down with a cup of tea and a cigarette and think
I think about how this all started
How my whole week had lead up to this point
If I hadn't taken my meds earlier in the week then I would have had meds for tonight and I would be asleep right now
If I hadn't spent all my money on silly frivolous things during the week then I would have had money for some proper binge food for tonight
Or even further back
If I hadn't been discharged from treatment then maybe I would be better now I wouldn't even be thinking about binging and purging
If I had never been born then none of this would ever have happened
I could go on and on but I won't

It's 7am
I haven't slept
I have a doctors appointment in two hours
For everyone else it's morning but for me it's bedtime
Night night!