Suicidal Blonde, January 21st 2013

I wrote the following post just after I came home from Australia

I found it when I was going through my archives

I don't remember writing it

But I do remember that I was in such a dark place

I think it's good to remind myself where I've come from

But not dwell on it

I really wanted to post it today 

As I want to show you that it is possible to get out

And get out alive

And relatively unscathed

I want you to know that there is always hope

Always

There's always a second chance

And a third

And a fourth

So if you are feeling hopeless today

Just know that people can and do recover

People do live a life beyond ED and addiction

I am trying

Trying to put my life back together

It's not easy
Today was an incredibly tough day
I slept through most of it just so I would have to deal with it
ED can look so tempting some times
But I will keep going froward

But what is the alternative?

I'm home
Back to cold, cold Ireland
I have to admit even though it's freezing it's a relief to get back in to jeans and jumpers
If I never have to get my arms and legs out again it will be too soon
I'm weary from jet lag but I'm kind of enjoying the sleep deprivation
At least I'm feeling something

I've been feeling strange since I came home
I don't know quiet know how to explain it
It's like I'm scared
I have a sense of impending doom
Like something terrible is about to happen
Everything is so overwhelming
From having a shower to leaving the house
Everything is too much
I'm still restricting
It's not good but I can't stop
I'm so afraid of where this is going
I'm literally paralysed with fear
I've thought long and hard about disappearing
Going over it in my head again and again
Trying to find an answer
I'm just so confused
Anxiety and depression are creeping in
I just don't know where to go from here
I want to crawl in to bed and never get up
Maybe I'm just not cut out for life
I'm not robust enough
My mental state is so fragile
Constantly on the verge of tears
Constantly about to break down
I can't handle reality
I can't handle life

I fear for my sanity
I really do
I'm terrified that my mind is breaking
Or that is already has broken
Am I going insane?
Is this what crazy is?
I don't know what to do anymore
I don't know how to fix this
I keep getting sucked back in to this illness
It just won't loosen it's grip on me
And I just don't have the strength to fight anymore
I think back over the last month and I'm not even sure how I got through it
There were days when I thought that I was cracking up
Days I thought would never end
I tried to enjoy myself and I did at times
But my eating disorder was always in the background
Lurking in the shadows
Ready to ruin it all
And it very nearly did

I have to do something about this before it's too late
Something has to change
I'm just going round and around in circles
Have been for years
It's tempting just to give up
To hold up my white flag and surrender
But I have to try just one last time
I owe myself and my family that much
I feel like such a burden on them
Emotionally
Financially
I'm like a child that never grew up
I'm sure they're frustrated
I'm sure they're sick of all this
I know I am
I  just want to give them some peace of mind
I want them not to worry
I want to be able to look after myself without their help
I want to be independent
But my eating disorder keeps me in this child like state
This twilight
This needs to end one way or the other
Or I truly will lose the plot
The last week of my trip I prayed every morning for help to get me through the day
I just didn't know what else to do

Limbo

I saw Mary yesterday
It was a long and difficult session
She weighed me
I really didn't want to do it
I didn't look
But she did tell me my BMI
Another new number
Another reason to run back in to the arms of my ED

We had written out a detailed meal plan last week
She asked me how I had got on with it
The truth was that I barely looked at it
My food has been all over the place
No regular meals
No eating at the table
Lots of purging
My sleep has also descended in to chaos
I haven't been going to bed
And just getting a couple of hours sleep on the couch
I really don't understand why I am doing this
It's crazy behaviour really
And it's just like me
When one area of my life begins to get sorted
I quickly find another behaviour to replace it

Mary suggested some reasons why things may be a bit chaotic
Maybe because my sister is home and everything is changing
Maybe I am anxious because of that
I began to get mildly annoyed when she suggested this
Because I know it's not that
As she talked
I suddenly had an urge to run out of the room
I wouldn't make eye contact
And stared at the scales
Giving it the evil eye
I didn't want to be there
I didn't want to deal with this
I wanted out

Then Mary suggested that we do another meal plan
I just flat refused
I said that there was no point
Because I wouldn't stick to it
Which is the truth
I'll go through the motions with Mary
But the meal plan will never see the light of day
And will live in the bottom of my bag
Until months later when I find it and promptly throw it in the bin

I swear
I can't even tell if I am in recovery or not
I had been doing well
But things seem to be unravelling
The purging is slowly but surely increasing
I haven't been to a meeting in weeks
I'm pulling away from my friends
These should all be red flags
But I manage to convince myself that everything is ok
As long as my weight isn't low
Then everything is ok
I should be ok
I should be in recovery

How often have I fallen in to the trap of thinking that because my weight is ok
Then I should be ok
I look healthy
So I should be healthy
This is exactly the kind of thinking that drives me nuts
I know better than anyone that just because someone isn't underweight
Doesn't mean that they aren't struggling with food
EDs come in all shaped and sizes
And only a very small percentage of people are of a critically low weight
I know this
Yet when it's happening to me
It's harder to believe
Or maybe I've been trying to convince myself that I am in recovery
Maybe I'm not at all?
I just don't know any more

I know that everything doesn't fall in to place at once
I know that I've had my ED for 14 years
And that's not going to right itself in a few short months
I know that my body is still recovering
And could take many more months to recover fully
I know that my mind is far behind my body
And could take years to recover
If it recovers at all
But if this is recovery
Then it's very similar to having as eating disorder
So that make me think that I am not in recovery at all

God when did it all get so complicated
I think that I complicate things
And I've been avoiding telling you that I shoplifted again
Why?
I have no idea
And I have no feeling about it
I just feel, well....
Numb
Disconnected
Not quite here

The thing about having an ED
Or being addicted to drink or drugs
Is that it's a rollercoaster
Extreme highs
Crippling lows
Ups
Downs
Constant drama
Especially with addiction
You can almost get addicted to the drama
Then you try recovery
And it's so different
Instead of the drama
The highs and lows
Everything is on one level
Everything is calm
You could almost say that it's boring
Monotonous
And that takes some getting used to
The quietness
The stillness
The nothingness

I guess I feel like I am in limbo right now
Neither here nor there
Not quite in recovery
But not quite in my addiction/ED either
I have one foot in each
And it's a horrible place to be

I don't know quite where to go from here
If I had more courage
I would throw myself in to recovery
But I don't
So I won't

I remember hearing a statistic once
About recover
One third of people make a complete recovery
One third of people don't recover
And one third of people are somewhere in between
I don't want to be in between
I don't want that
I guess I need to figure out what I do want
Because I really don't know
There are so many 'I don't knows' at the moment
Sometimes I can't work out if I am in good form
Or I am pretending to be in good form

I met a friend from treatment the other day
I was nervous to meet her as I hadn't seen her in a few weeks
I knew she would notice my weight gain
She was honest
She acknowledged that I had put on weight
But just a little
She said it was the best she had ever seen me
That's hard to hear

I have a lot to be grateful for
Maybe I am dwelling too much on the negative
But I have to be honest about where my head is at
I have to be real about where things are at
I'm not looking for perfection
I know that doesn't exist
But I need to make a decision one way or the other
ED or recovery
Surrender or fight
Live or die..........

New walk

Myself, my Mum and my sister and Lea and honey went on  a little adventure today
We had heard about a lovely forest walk about 45 minutes away
So we set off this morning to find it
Me squashed in the back seat with the dogs
My sister driving
And my Mum navigating
We found the forest with little trouble
Honey and Lea were so excited to be in a new place
A good time was had by all

Here's some photos from the day.......

Honey naps on her favourite chair before we go

Lea waits patiently in the car

Guest blog?

I was wondering if any of you out there would like to do a guest post on this blog
A lot of people seem to read this blog
Maybe you are a new blogger and want to reach a wider audience?
Maybe you want to write an anonymous post?
Safe in the knowledge that no one knows who you are
Where you can be honest and open
Maybe you want to get some feed back?
Maybe you want to make new friends?
Maybe you want to relate to others in a similar situation?
Whatever your reason
Leave me a comment
Or send me an email
I would love to hear from you.........

Top 5 sites

The lovely JJ suggested an idea for a post
It's a question for you
What are the top 5 sites you visit every day?
For me Blogger is number one
I check Blogger first thing in the morning
And a few times through out the day
I am not a big Facebook person
I might only check it only once a month
If that
If I have something planned I will check the weather also
Then I check my email on Yahoo
When I had another blog over on Wordpress I used to check that every day too
I used to always check 2Medusa every day too
But that is no longer up and running

I check clothes sites a lot
Like Boohoo
Or Miss Guided
And Amazon for books and DVDs

Sometimes if I am bored I catch up on celebrity gossip
Or read my starsign

I also use Google of course
And check a news site MSN every day also

And of course Youtube
For songs and videos
Funnies
Documentaries
And so on and so on.......

How about you
What are the top 5 sites that you visit every day?

Me

To take  a break from writing about eating disorders

I thought that I would let you know some random things about me

Fun facts

That maybe you don'y know about me

Here goes......

1. I am left handed but I can also write with my right hand

    So I am ambidexterous   

    I can also do mirror writing

    Write forwards with my left hand and backwards with my right at the same time

2. I have 2 older sisters and an older brother

    I am the youngest

3. I studied ballet up until the age of 16 and wanted to be a dancer

4. My first pet was a cat called Wanda

5. I can't walk up a flight of stairs without counting them

6. I've had one long term relationship
    It lasted 6 years

7. I am a dreamer

8. My star sign is Virgo and I'm a fairly typical one

9. My birthday is September 7

10. My favourite colour is yellow

11. When I was addicted to drugs I did the most unimaginable things for money

12. At my lowest weight, my dog weighed more than me

13. My parents split up when I was 19

14. They swap houses during the week

15. I once spoke at an eating disorder conference

16. I've been in treatment 8 times

17. At the moment I am listening to a lot of Haim, London Grammar and Indiana

18. I once saw an ex-boyfriend over dose

19. I read my favourite books over and over again

20. I always knew that I would become an addict

21. I think I am going to die young

21. I won an all Ireland swimming medal when I was 12

22. Most of the time I don't feel like a normal human being

23. My ideal job would be to help others with eating disorders or a foster carer for abused animals

24. I would love to be able to sing

25. I smoke more than 20 cigarettes a day

26. I see my doctor every Monday

27. Anxiety stops me from doing a lot of the things I want to do

28. I feel fat almost all of the time

29. I only use certain cups and cutlery

30. A lot of the time I don't like myself very much

I would love to hear some random facts about you.....

Mullaghmore July 2014

Myself my Mum, my sister and and Honey and Lea took a trip to Mullaghmore Beach yesterday
I look extremely tired in these photos as I hadn't slept the night before
My sleep is all over the place
Last night was the first time I got in to my bed in a week

Anyway
A good time was had by all
Here is some photographic evidence............

Squashed in the back seat with Honey and Lea

Honey and a jelly fish

I look extremely tired as I didn't sleep the night before