So this is Christmas......

And what have you done?

Another year over

A new  one just begun

Where this year has gone

I do  not know

I can remember this time last last year like it was yesterday

I can remember treatment so well

I can remember what people were wearing

Conversations I had

Everything like it just happened the other day

Except Christmas day itself

I think I must have knocked myself out with meds 

As I can't remember a single thing about it

Our house is usually a hub of activity around Christmas time

This is great if you are feeling sociable  and up to it

Not so great if you are not feeling 100 per cent
I have mixed feelings about Christmas this year
Part of me is really looking forward to it
And part of me is dreading it
And can't wait until it is all over
I'm not ok at the moment
And the last thing I feel like doing is celebrating

The dreaded scale has wormed it's way back in to my life
Once again it has become a daily ritual
And dictates my mood
My self worth
And my self esteem for the day
It's soul destroying

I know what you are all thinking
That I should be asking for help from my family and doctor
I should be fighting this thing tooth and nail
Because my slip is rapidly becoming  relapse
I just feel so tired
And so weary
I feel like lying down
Holding up my white flag
And admitting defeat
Because that's the way I feel
Beaten
And worn down

It's at times like this that I desperately miss a smoke
I have been thinking and dreaming about about lighting up
To make a cup of tea
Settle down beside the window
And have 10 minutes to myself
Where I can sort out that days problem
Or any other thinking that needs to be done

I was listening to the radio on the way back from Galway
And they were talking about Joni Mitchell
Joni is a confirmed smoker
And has dealt with a lot of criticism because it
I can't remember the exact quote
But she said that she wouldn't have been able to get through life without cigarettes
That those precious few minutes alone with a smoke are precious
She also doesn't buy the high mortality rate
She said we are all going to die of something
Why not smoking?
And least then you can enjoy it
She also wondered how there are so many ex smokers in the world
They must be all frustrated and irritable
After I had listened to this
I found myself thoroughly agreeing with Joni
And had talked myself in to going back on them
If I had had a cigarette right there and then
There is no way I could have said no
The only thing that stops me
Is that I am now off them 20 weeks
And I don't want to through that away
I also have to remind myself that I can not afford them
As they are now 10 Euros here for a packet
Even so
I would still love one

I guess I am a bit all over the place these days
It feels like everything I have worked so hard for over the last few months is slipping through my fingers
The thing I don't understand is why this is happening
I can't identify any trigger
I can't think of any reason that this has happened
But it is happening
And I have to deal with it
It's part and parcel of recovery

In spite of everything
I am feeling very grateful today
A member of my family got some devastating news last week
I won't say what it is
As it's not my news to tell
But needless to say it's the worst kind of news you can get
I'm feeling very blessed to be alive and well today
To have my physical and mental health relatively intact
I'm feeling especially grateful for my family
Without who I would no doubt be in a very dark place
They are the ones that have got me through the last 15 years
If they were not here
I dread to think where I would be right now
I am thankful to have a roof over my head
Many don't
Many people are begging in the streets today
Have no home to go to
And only have a blanket for warmth
When ever I see a homeless person I say to myself
'There but for the grace of God go I'
I am one of the lucky ones
I have a family who can support and love me
That is such a precious thing
I have a roof over my head
Heat in my home
Food in the fridge
Presents under the Christmas tree
A lot of people don't

Sometimes I feel like I am holding on for my family
That if they weren't here
I would be on the streets
In a bad way
Sometimes I feel like I am white-kunckling it for them
But I guess if that keeps me clean
It's as good a reason as any

I will try my best to celebrate Christmas
I will help with the cooking
I will join in with the celebrations
I will be the best Ruby that I can be
This time of the year can be tough
And I need to let people know that I need help
I can't do this alone
I know that now

It's funny the things that can help you get through the day
A hot cup of sweet tea
A hug
A walk with Honey and Lea
Listening to the radio
Or my favourite song
Getting out of the shower and feeling squeaky clean
Getting in to a freshly changed bed with starched white sheets
Putting my my favourite pjyamas
Lighting a fire
Listening to the hail and wind outside while curled up on the couch
Reading a chapter of my favourite book
Writing a post
Retail therapy
Doing my nails ruby red
Straightening my hair
Phoning a friend
It's the little things people



What helps you get through the day?

Honey and Lea

While I was away at the weekend

I got Honey and Lea a little gift to bring back to them

Two Christmas collars

I wasn't sure of their sizes

So I had to guess

I got a pretty flowery one for Lea

And a cute polka dot one for Honey

I put them on them this morning

Lea just went about her business as normal

But Honey was not impressed at all

Here are some photos......

Pjs

I don't know if I have ever mentioned it

But I love pyjamas

Really love them

When I was in hospital last year

I'd say I spent 70 per cent of the time in pyjamas

And Christmas is extra special as I get my Christmas pyjamas

I have been looking for them for some time

And have narrowed it down to these two pairs.....

Sesame Street pyjamas - Penneys

Navy and white star print - Next

Monday

It's Monday morning

And I was on a mission

As you know

Last week I really over did my meds

And had to go in to my doctor on Thursday to ask for a top up

Ever since then 

I have had it in my head that I need to be on more methadone

Because I am craving

Because I am thinking about drugs

Talking about drugs

Even dreaming about drugs

Every now and then

I hear tid bits of news from my old town

I hear of people I used to know

In the news for crimes they've committed

No doubt in pursuit of the drug

My old town is now awash with drugs

Namely heroin

And it's fast becoming a very dangerous place

You would think that I would be glad to be out of there

And I am

But there is still a little piece of me that hankers after that life

God knows why

It very nearly killed me

So I marched in to my doctor this morning

With one thing on my mind

To get my methadone increased

I wasn't too hopeful that he would grant my wish

But I was willing to give it a try

I drove in with my Mum this morning

She mentioned that I seemed very determined 

I told her her why

She said 'Will you please stop tormenting that poor man, he is so good to you'

I agree

He is

But it won't hurt any one just to ask

I checked in at reception

And took a seat in the waiting room

I was just about to read an article about running

When I was called in

First things first

He asked me how my weekend away was

I told him it was fine

And then launched in to my speech

'I'm a bit concerned about myself' I started

'I've been thinking a lot about drugs and have been very close to jumping in my car and to go and score'

He stopped tapping at his computer and looked at me seriously

'I think my methadone needs to be increased' I continued

''Well I don't know about that' he said

'Is there anything else going on?'

He knows me too well

I told him that I've lost more than a few pounds recently

And I have no counsellor since Mary's job had gone

He suggested that maybe NA is an option

And also seeing an addiction counsellor

He explained that it would be giving in to the addiction to increase my dose

And also it wouldn't deal with the problem

He made a good case

I could have argued with him

But I didn't

I knew there was no point

I left the surgery disappointed but not surprised

I was talking with my Mum after

And was joking saying why does my doctor have to do the right thing all the time

Why can't he be a bit corrupt and give me what I want

Why does he have to be so God damn up standing

My Mother said that I am lucky to have a doctor that treats me with dignity and respect

I know I am

It's just my addiction talking

It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced addiction

What exactly it is like

And what it is like to crave a drug with every ounce of your being

To be so preoccupied with it

And literally feel your body craving it

This is the way I would explain it

Imagine you have an itch

It's the itchiest itch you have ever had

It consumes you

You can think of nothing else

It occupies every waking moment and thought

It's there constantly

Now imagine that instead of finger nails

You have razor blades on the end of your fingers

You can't resist the itch any longer

You just have to scratch it before you go mad

You scratch with the razor blades

At first the relief is enormous

It feels amazing

Especially that first scratch

When the persistence of the itch goes away

But as you continue to scratch

The razor blades tear in to your skin

They shred it to ribbons

Blood pours from your body

You are killing yourself

But you can't  stop

You can't stop scratching

Everyone around you sees that you are killing yourself

They try to get you to stop

But you can't

You just can't

I know that I need to so something about my own itch

Or I will end up scratching it

It's too much to handle on my own

I need help and support

Before this ends in disaster

As regards food and weight

I am still struggling

My weight continues to head south

I am not underweight yet

But I will be if I continue

I can't lie

I scare myself sometimes

How hell bent I can be on self destruction

When I took all my methadone last week

I actually really enjoyed the feeling

It has triggered me massively

But I still hope to get back on track

I have to

I just have to

Galway

It's Sunday morning

I'm here in Galway with my mum and my sister

Staying with my brother and his girlfriend

We've had a lovely weekend

With lots of eating, drinking (them not me) chatting and shopping

A good time was had by all

We even ran in to the odd tv personality

The photo below of us with the man is Francis Brennan

You won't know him but he has a show here in Ireland

He was signing copies of his book in one of the shops so we went up to talk to him and he was so lovely

Here are some photos of the last couple of days

Hope you enjoy....

Euphoric Recall

I was looking back on my December posts from 2012 and 2013
To see what state of mind I was in back then
In 2012 I was in Australia for Christmas
I was almost at a healthy weight
But was still very eating disordered
I lost weight while there
And restricted quite a lot
As we were staying in a small house
And there wasn't really the opportunity to purge
I spent many days back then in tears I remember
The constant battle of will I or won't I eat was exhausting
I tried my best to enjoy myself
But my ED did it's level best to ruin it for me

And of course last year I was in treatment
I came home for Christmas itself
And we had a family wedding
Which I attended and it caused me no end of stress
We were staying in the hotel where the wedding was being held
I used to go back to my room early
And order room service
I remember a the end of the week
I was terrified about the bill I had clocked up
In the end it wasn't much at all
But still
It almost ruined my week

So
What is the moral of this story?
Well I think the moral is that Christmas is a tough time of year
Even for people in the full of their health  it can be a stressful time
And the moral also is that I need to give myself a break
And not beat myself up for not doing everything perfectly
I am doing my best to stay well
I am doing my best to stay sane
I am finding recovery especially hard right now
And my weight loss is massively triggering
I can feel that my clothes are looser
My face is thinner
And the spark in my eyes is fading
My family have noticed too

Although I hadn't stopped purging altogether over the last few months
I had drastically reduced it
From 10 - 20 times a day
To 1 - 3 : times a day
Still not perfect
But a big improvement
However I have noticed over the last few weeks that my purging has been getting worse and worse
I have been buying binge food
Eating in secret
And purging after every time I eat
And that is what leads to weight loss
Over the past couple of weeks
I've gone down a dress size
And am also down two points on my  BMI

I am still in the healthy weight range
Albeit on the low side
I'm not in any physical danger with regard to my weight
But of course we all know that the severity of our illness does not depend on weight
It's possible to have a relatively healthy body
But a very sick mind
And my mind is very sick at the moment

They say in AA
That all the while that you are in recovery
Your addiction is doing push ups
Meaning that all the time you are trying to stay well
Your addiction/ED is getting stronger and stronger
And just waiting for you to slip
The thing with a relapse is
That you pick up exactly where you left off
It is a progressive illness
So it gets worse over time
Not better

They also say that a slip/relapse happens long before you pick up with drug
Or purge/lose weight/drink/gamble
It's a sequence of events
That culminates in using
I know any time that I have relapsed on drugs
I can trace it back to something that happened long before I used the drug
It could start with something innocent
Maybe I watched a tv programme
And someone was using drugs
That would cause me to be triggered right there
And would plant a seed in my mind
Then I might have a vivid drug dream
So real that when I woke up I cried with relief that it wasn't real
Before I know it
I am thinking about drugs all the time
I think about the good times I had on drugs
Euphoric recall I think they call it
I think about how nice it would be to use
The feeling of warmth and comfort as the drug floods my body
Just once I tell myself
Just once

But I am not stupid
I know that there is no such thing as just once
Not for me anyway
Along with the good times of using
There were far more horrible, nasty and traumatic times
I must never forget that
For every fond memory
There are ten miserable ones
There is a  very good reason as to why I quit drugs

Anyway
Back to reality
It's Friday morning
I'm heading away for the weekend with my sister and Mother
Over to see my brother and his girlfriend
Part of me would love to stay home
And feel sorry for myself
But another part of me is glad of the distraction
I wasn't going to tell my Mother about what had happened
I didn't want to worry her
But in the end I did tell her

This is just a short post to let you know that I am ok
That I am hanging in there
I don't know if I will get to post over the weekend
But I will try
Thank you for your messages, emails and comments
They mean more than you will ever know

'Steady the ship'

It was yesterday afternoon
I was bored
Anxious
Feeling a bit low
I wanted to not feel at all
I wanted to check out of my own mind for a while
For reasons best known only to myself
I thought it would be a good idea if I took all
Yes all
Of my methadone
It was Wednesday
I had already taken that mornings dose
And had 4 doses left
I was in the living room
I got up
Calmly walked in to the kitchen
Opened the press where the meds are kept
Took out the bottle of methadone
And without a second thought
Knocked it back in to my mouth
I put the lid back on the bottle
Closed the press
And went back in to the living room

Cue panic
I had just taken my whole weeks worth of methadone
And I had just remembered that I was going to my brothers for the weekend
Fuck
Fuck
Fuckitty-fuck-fuck-fuck

I immediately regretted my actions
How stupid and impulsive am I?
Why can I not control myself?

About an hour later I started to get very sleep
My sister copped on straight away
I told her the truth
There was no point in denying it
I don't remember much about last night
I drifted in and out of sleep
My sister shouting at me when I nearly spilled my tea
I couldn't enjoy it thought
I was too worried about the rest of the week
I would have to go in to my doctor
There was just no other way around it
I would never last 4 days without my methadone

I set my alarm for early the next morning
How ever I didn't need to
As worry woke me up before it got bright
I lay in bed trying plotting and planning
I would have to ring to make an appointment
But I know I would never get one at such short notice
I could just show up
And say it was an emergency
I decided I would do that
But instead of going through the reception
I decided to go and wait directly outside my doctors door
Avoiding the receptionist
And making sure I saw him
Yes
That would work

At first
I thought I would tell my doctor that I spilled my methadone
That I was lifting it
And the top wasn't on properly
And it slipped through my hands
But in the end
I decided to be honest
Because I need to let people know where I am at
I need to ask for help
Because I do need it at the moment

It was so dark this morning
That for a minute I thought it was evening and I had slept straight through
Lea came with me
But Honey elected to stay on her chair in the kitchen
I was so nervous driving to town
There was no guarantee my doctor would replace the methadone
He wasn't obliged to
It was my responsibility to take my meds properly
It was my own fault that I had none left

I parked in the little carpark across from the surgery
It was just 9am
So I should catch him on his way down to his room
I bypassed the reception
And went and sat outside his room
I was only there a few seconds when he walked through the door
'Ruby' he said
Surprised to see me
'I don't have an appointment' I explained
'Would it be possible to see you?'
'Of course' he said
'Come in'
I followed him in to the room
And sat down beside his desk

He was just asking me a question
When his phone rang
He took the call and was talking for a few minutes
When he hung up
He went in to a rant about insurance companies
I wished he would stop talking so I could get out of there

I explained what I had done the previous day
I told him  that I had been craving
And struggling in general to keep things together
He asked me if I had used
I said I had not
He asked me if I was going to NA
I said I wasn't
He said it might be a good idea
I am starting to think that he might be right
I need some extra support
From people who understand
I can't do this alone
God knows I have tried

My doctor agreed to replace the meds
I was so relieved
Although he said that he would only do it this once
It was good of him really
He didn't have to
As I left
He told me that I need to 'steady the ship'
He is not wrong

Today I feel horrible
Hungover and groggy
And I look like death warmed up
I need to get back on track
I know better than most how quickly things can turn downwards
How all I have worked so hard for could slip through my fingers
I'm going to talk to my Mum and my sister today
And tell them I am struggling
Although I think they know already
I need help
And that's ok
I'm ok
Or at least I will be