As you might know
A person call themselves Ana's challenge has been commenting on a lot of our blogs
Being quite intrusiv
Upsetting people
And being down right rude when they didn't get the response they were looking
I have left my fair share of replies to this person
I know you shouldn't feed the trolls
But in this instance I couldn't help myself
I also checked out their blog
Which is a litany of 'Tips and tricks'
And all in pigeon English
Myself and the lovely Bella have been on the case
To find out who this person really is
I suspected it was a man
And we feared that he was praying on young and vulnerable girls
For his own sick and twisted gains
As I know we can be the targets of dirty old men who look for photos of girls
After he was told that he was not welcome or wanted around here
He seemed to go quiet
But today Bella sent me an email
With a link to Ana's challenge latest post
And we were right
He is indeed a very sick person
I was going to post the link here
But I don't want to upset people
And I don't want to give him any more attention than this post
So this is a warning to anyone being harassed by Ana's challenge
If he comments
Delete and block
It's the only way to deal with these kind of people
And hopefully he will get tired and give up
And leave us alone
People here have enough problems to deal with
Without a pervert stalking our blogs
I mean how sick do you have to be to prey on young girls like this
Some are very vulnerable
And might not see him for what he is
I have seen comments on his blog
Asking him for help with restricting etc
And he always asks for photos
Anyway
Just to let you know
This person is not what they seem
I hope he has not hurt anyone any more than he has
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Thursday, 18 December 2014
Wednesday, 17 December 2014
Christmas shopping
My sister and I went in to town today to do a bit of shopping
We are doing secret Santa this yea
So we all only have one gift to buy
I am buying for my mum and the price limit is €50
She had already given me the names of some books she wanted
So I got those
And also some soaps from Avoca for her
I also got socks, pants and a pair of jeans for myself
And a diary for my friend L
Here are some photos from today
On the way on to town |
New hat - Dorothy Perkins |
Shopped out |
Socks and pants |
Books for my Mum |
Diary for my friend L |
Wrapping paper, fancy! |
Soaps from Avoca |
Jeans - River Island |
So this is Christmas......
And what have you done?
Another year over
A new one just begun
Where this year has gone
I do not know
I can remember this time last last year like it was yesterday
I can remember treatment so well
I can remember what people were wearing
Conversations I had
Everything like it just happened the other day
Except Christmas day itself
I think I must have knocked myself out with meds
As I can't remember a single thing about it
Our house is usually a hub of activity around Christmas time
This is great if you are feeling sociable and up to it
Not so great if you are not feeling 100 per cent
I have mixed feelings about Christmas this year
Part of me is really looking forward to it
And part of me is dreading it
And can't wait until it is all over
I'm not ok at the moment
And the last thing I feel like doing is celebrating
The dreaded scale has wormed it's way back in to my life
Once again it has become a daily ritual
And dictates my mood
My self worth
And my self esteem for the day
It's soul destroying
I know what you are all thinking
That I should be asking for help from my family and doctor
I should be fighting this thing tooth and nail
Because my slip is rapidly becoming relapse
I just feel so tired
And so weary
I feel like lying down
Holding up my white flag
And admitting defeat
Because that's the way I feel
Beaten
And worn down
It's at times like this that I desperately miss a smoke
I have been thinking and dreaming about about lighting up
To make a cup of tea
Settle down beside the window
And have 10 minutes to myself
Where I can sort out that days problem
Or any other thinking that needs to be done
I was listening to the radio on the way back from Galway
And they were talking about Joni Mitchell
Joni is a confirmed smoker
And has dealt with a lot of criticism because it
I can't remember the exact quote
But she said that she wouldn't have been able to get through life without cigarettes
That those precious few minutes alone with a smoke are precious
She also doesn't buy the high mortality rate
She said we are all going to die of something
Why not smoking?
And least then you can enjoy it
She also wondered how there are so many ex smokers in the world
They must be all frustrated and irritable
After I had listened to this
I found myself thoroughly agreeing with Joni
And had talked myself in to going back on them
If I had had a cigarette right there and then
There is no way I could have said no
The only thing that stops me
Is that I am now off them 20 weeks
And I don't want to through that away
I also have to remind myself that I can not afford them
As they are now 10 Euros here for a packet
Even so
I would still love one
I guess I am a bit all over the place these days
It feels like everything I have worked so hard for over the last few months is slipping through my fingers
The thing I don't understand is why this is happening
I can't identify any trigger
I can't think of any reason that this has happened
But it is happening
And I have to deal with it
It's part and parcel of recovery
In spite of everything
I am feeling very grateful today
A member of my family got some devastating news last week
I won't say what it is
As it's not my news to tell
But needless to say it's the worst kind of news you can get
I'm feeling very blessed to be alive and well today
To have my physical and mental health relatively intact
I'm feeling especially grateful for my family
Without who I would no doubt be in a very dark place
They are the ones that have got me through the last 15 years
If they were not here
I dread to think where I would be right now
I am thankful to have a roof over my head
Many don't
Many people are begging in the streets today
Have no home to go to
And only have a blanket for warmth
When ever I see a homeless person I say to myself
'There but for the grace of God go I'
I am one of the lucky ones
I have a family who can support and love me
That is such a precious thing
I have a roof over my head
Heat in my home
Food in the fridge
Presents under the Christmas tree
A lot of people don't
Sometimes I feel like I am holding on for my family
That if they weren't here
I would be on the streets
In a bad way
Sometimes I feel like I am white-kunckling it for them
But I guess if that keeps me clean
It's as good a reason as any
I will try my best to celebrate Christmas
I will help with the cooking
I will join in with the celebrations
I will be the best Ruby that I can be
This time of the year can be tough
And I need to let people know that I need help
I can't do this alone
I know that now
It's funny the things that can help you get through the day
A hot cup of sweet tea
A hug
A walk with Honey and Lea
Listening to the radio
Or my favourite song
Getting out of the shower and feeling squeaky clean
Getting in to a freshly changed bed with starched white sheets
Putting my my favourite pjyamas
Lighting a fire
Listening to the hail and wind outside while curled up on the couch
Reading a chapter of my favourite book
Writing a post
Retail therapy
Doing my nails ruby red
Straightening my hair
Phoning a friend
It's the little things people
What helps you get through the day?
I have mixed feelings about Christmas this year
Part of me is really looking forward to it
And part of me is dreading it
And can't wait until it is all over
I'm not ok at the moment
And the last thing I feel like doing is celebrating
The dreaded scale has wormed it's way back in to my life
Once again it has become a daily ritual
And dictates my mood
My self worth
And my self esteem for the day
It's soul destroying
I know what you are all thinking
That I should be asking for help from my family and doctor
I should be fighting this thing tooth and nail
Because my slip is rapidly becoming relapse
I just feel so tired
And so weary
I feel like lying down
Holding up my white flag
And admitting defeat
Because that's the way I feel
Beaten
And worn down
It's at times like this that I desperately miss a smoke
I have been thinking and dreaming about about lighting up
To make a cup of tea
Settle down beside the window
And have 10 minutes to myself
Where I can sort out that days problem
Or any other thinking that needs to be done
I was listening to the radio on the way back from Galway
And they were talking about Joni Mitchell
Joni is a confirmed smoker
And has dealt with a lot of criticism because it
I can't remember the exact quote
But she said that she wouldn't have been able to get through life without cigarettes
That those precious few minutes alone with a smoke are precious
She also doesn't buy the high mortality rate
She said we are all going to die of something
Why not smoking?
And least then you can enjoy it
She also wondered how there are so many ex smokers in the world
They must be all frustrated and irritable
After I had listened to this
I found myself thoroughly agreeing with Joni
And had talked myself in to going back on them
If I had had a cigarette right there and then
There is no way I could have said no
The only thing that stops me
Is that I am now off them 20 weeks
And I don't want to through that away
I also have to remind myself that I can not afford them
As they are now 10 Euros here for a packet
Even so
I would still love one
I guess I am a bit all over the place these days
It feels like everything I have worked so hard for over the last few months is slipping through my fingers
The thing I don't understand is why this is happening
I can't identify any trigger
I can't think of any reason that this has happened
But it is happening
And I have to deal with it
It's part and parcel of recovery
In spite of everything
I am feeling very grateful today
A member of my family got some devastating news last week
I won't say what it is
As it's not my news to tell
But needless to say it's the worst kind of news you can get
I'm feeling very blessed to be alive and well today
To have my physical and mental health relatively intact
I'm feeling especially grateful for my family
Without who I would no doubt be in a very dark place
They are the ones that have got me through the last 15 years
If they were not here
I dread to think where I would be right now
I am thankful to have a roof over my head
Many don't
Many people are begging in the streets today
Have no home to go to
And only have a blanket for warmth
When ever I see a homeless person I say to myself
'There but for the grace of God go I'
I am one of the lucky ones
I have a family who can support and love me
That is such a precious thing
I have a roof over my head
Heat in my home
Food in the fridge
Presents under the Christmas tree
A lot of people don't
Sometimes I feel like I am holding on for my family
That if they weren't here
I would be on the streets
In a bad way
Sometimes I feel like I am white-kunckling it for them
But I guess if that keeps me clean
It's as good a reason as any
I will try my best to celebrate Christmas
I will help with the cooking
I will join in with the celebrations
I will be the best Ruby that I can be
This time of the year can be tough
And I need to let people know that I need help
I can't do this alone
I know that now
It's funny the things that can help you get through the day
A hot cup of sweet tea
A hug
A walk with Honey and Lea
Listening to the radio
Or my favourite song
Getting out of the shower and feeling squeaky clean
Getting in to a freshly changed bed with starched white sheets
Putting my my favourite pjyamas
Lighting a fire
Listening to the hail and wind outside while curled up on the couch
Reading a chapter of my favourite book
Writing a post
Retail therapy
Doing my nails ruby red
Straightening my hair
Phoning a friend
It's the little things people
What helps you get through the day?
Tuesday, 16 December 2014
Honey and Lea
I got Honey and Lea a little gift to bring back to them
Two Christmas collars
I wasn't sure of their sizes
So I had to guess
I got a pretty flowery one for Lea
And a cute polka dot one for Honey
I put them on them this morning
Lea just went about her business as normal
But Honey was not impressed at all
Here are some photos......
Monday, 15 December 2014
Pjs
I don't know if I have ever mentioned it
But I love pyjamas
Really love them
When I was in hospital last year
I'd say I spent 70 per cent of the time in pyjamas
And Christmas is extra special as I get my Christmas pyjamas
I have been looking for them for some time
And have narrowed it down to these two pairs.....
Sesame Street pyjamas - Penneys |
Navy and white star print - Next |
Monday
It's Monday morning
And I was on a mission
As you know
Last week I really over did my meds
And had to go in to my doctor on Thursday to ask for a top up
Ever since then
I have had it in my head that I need to be on more methadone
Because I am craving
Because I am thinking about drugs
Talking about drugs
Even dreaming about drugs
Every now and then
I hear tid bits of news from my old town
I hear of people I used to know
In the news for crimes they've committed
No doubt in pursuit of the drug
My old town is now awash with drugs
Namely heroin
And it's fast becoming a very dangerous place
You would think that I would be glad to be out of there
And I am
But there is still a little piece of me that hankers after that life
God knows why
It very nearly killed me
So I marched in to my doctor this morning
With one thing on my mind
To get my methadone increased
I wasn't too hopeful that he would grant my wish
But I was willing to give it a try
I drove in with my Mum this morning
She mentioned that I seemed very determined
I told her her why
She said 'Will you please stop tormenting that poor man, he is so good to you'
I agree
He is
But it won't hurt any one just to ask
I checked in at reception
And took a seat in the waiting room
I was just about to read an article about running
When I was called in
First things first
He asked me how my weekend away was
I told him it was fine
And then launched in to my speech
'I'm a bit concerned about myself' I started
'I've been thinking a lot about drugs and have been very close to jumping in my car and to go and score'
He stopped tapping at his computer and looked at me seriously
'I think my methadone needs to be increased' I continued
''Well I don't know about that' he said
'Is there anything else going on?'
He knows me too well
I told him that I've lost more than a few pounds recently
And I have no counsellor since Mary's job had gone
He suggested that maybe NA is an option
And also seeing an addiction counsellor
He explained that it would be giving in to the addiction to increase my dose
And also it wouldn't deal with the problem
He made a good case
I could have argued with him
But I didn't
I knew there was no point
I left the surgery disappointed but not surprised
I was talking with my Mum after
And was joking saying why does my doctor have to do the right thing all the time
Why can't he be a bit corrupt and give me what I want
Why does he have to be so God damn up standing
My Mother said that I am lucky to have a doctor that treats me with dignity and respect
I know I am
It's just my addiction talking
It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced addiction
What exactly it is like
And what it is like to crave a drug with every ounce of your being
To be so preoccupied with it
And literally feel your body craving it
This is the way I would explain it
Imagine you have an itch
It's the itchiest itch you have ever had
It consumes you
You can think of nothing else
It occupies every waking moment and thought
It's there constantly
Now imagine that instead of finger nails
You have razor blades on the end of your fingers
You can't resist the itch any longer
You just have to scratch it before you go mad
You scratch with the razor blades
At first the relief is enormous
It feels amazing
Especially that first scratch
When the persistence of the itch goes away
But as you continue to scratch
The razor blades tear in to your skin
They shred it to ribbons
Blood pours from your body
You are killing yourself
But you can't stop
You can't stop scratching
Everyone around you sees that you are killing yourself
They try to get you to stop
But you can't
You just can't
I know that I need to so something about my own itch
Or I will end up scratching it
It's too much to handle on my own
I need help and support
Before this ends in disaster
As regards food and weight
I am still struggling
My weight continues to head south
I am not underweight yet
But I will be if I continue
I can't lie
I scare myself sometimes
How hell bent I can be on self destruction
When I took all my methadone last week
I actually really enjoyed the feeling
It has triggered me massively
But I still hope to get back on track
I have to
I just have to
Sunday, 14 December 2014
Galway
It's Sunday morning
I'm here in Galway with my mum and my sister
Staying with my brother and his girlfriend
We've had a lovely weekend
With lots of eating, drinking (them not me) chatting and shopping
A good time was had by all
We even ran in to the odd tv personality
The photo below of us with the man is Francis Brennan
You won't know him but he has a show here in Ireland
He was signing copies of his book in one of the shops so we went up to talk to him and he was so lovely
Here are some photos of the last couple of days
Hope you enjoy....
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