4

As you know
I asked my doctor to increase my methadone last Monday
Which he flatly refused to do
So the last week has been hard
I feel I have been 'white knuckling it'
Just on the verge of snapping
Cracking
Breaking
Yesterday was an especially tough day
I fought with my sister and my Mother about food
And it was just horrible
I had a complete meltdown
It seems the anger and frustration has been building in me for weeks
I've played the part of the good little recovering anorectic over the last month
And last night I just lost it

It started out innocently enough
It was Sunday evening
And I was talking about making some pasta
My Mother started joking saying that I need to remember to leave some food  for other people
And not to eat them out of house and home before Christmas
This sounds mean
But you have to understand this is my families sense of humour
Usually this wouldn''t bother me at all
But given that my bulimia has been rampant recently
I took it to heart

Anyway
I went about my pasta making
While it was bubbling away
My sister marched in to the kitchen with an empty jar of salsa in her hand
'What's this?' she snapped
I looked  and said nothing
'Did you eat all the doritos and the salsa'
I had
But I told her I would replace it because I know my nephew likes them
She basically had a real go at me about it
It was then that I lost my shit completely
I'm a nice girl
But start having a go at me about my issues in a round about way
That's just not cool
I stomped in to the sitting room
My monologue went something like this

'I'm sorry that I am eating all the food
I'm sorry that I have an eating disorder
This is not fun for me either
Do you really think that this is fun for me?
It's not
It's really really not
You are having a laugh at my expense
And that is just not right or fair
Please take in to consideration that I am struggling
I am drowning
I am flailing
And I don't need you or anyone making fun of me
Do you understand?'

And with that I flung the door closed and went back in to the kitchen
My Mum came in after me
But I told her to leave me
I wanted to be alone
With my big bowl of pasta of course
I was raging though
I threw my pasta in to the bowl
And violently added the sauce
Spilling it everywhere
I settled down in front of the tv
And anger ate the whole thing
(Just made that up
It means eating in a vigorous and violent way)

My sister then came in to the kitchen
She apologized and went to hug me
I was still fuming and could not even look at her let alone talk to her
She left me
And I finished my pasta
After the relief of a trip to the bathroom
I had calmed down some
So I went in to the living room
And made up with them
I don't want to fight with them
I don't want this bitch of an illness to come between us anymore than it already has
I was honest with them
I told them I am struggling with food
But they already knew that
I also told them about the cravings I'm having
They were lovely to me
They always are

I went to bed early
I lay there planning what I was going to say to my doctor in the morning
I had to make him see that I needed some extra support at the moment
I had butterflies in my tummy thinking about it

This morning I woke up early
Or rather my anxiety woke me up early
I washed and dressed and braved the rainy morning
I arrived at the surgery and took my usual place in the waiting room
I saw my doctor go in to his room
Usually he has called me by now
I sat there nervously
And eventually I was called in
I sat down
And he was talking about patient records
I nodded and smiled
'How are you?' he asked
I took a deep breath
And launched in to my speech

'I'm not the best to be honest
I know you are reluctant to increase my methadone
But I ask you again if you would consider increasing it temporarily
I really feel on the edge
And am in real danger of using
I had a bit of a meltdown last night
And I told my Mother everything
She said you can ring her if you want
I just really really don't want to use
And I fear I might
An increase would just give me extra bit of support
What do you think?'

He sat back in his chair and looked at me
He said that would be going backwards
I said it wouldn't if it prevented me from relapsing
Relapsing would send me even further back
After thinking for a couple of minutes
He agreed to increase it
Just for Christmas
I agreed to that
He said he would increase by two mls
My heart sank
'There is little or no point increasing it by 2 mls' I protested
'I was thinking more like 10 mls'
'Absolutely not' he said
'Well then meet me half way' I suggested
5mls?
'4' he compromised
I knew when I was beaten
'Fine' I said
At this point I felt the need to apologize
'I'm sorry' I said
'I really don't mean to be a pain on a Monday morning
I'm just worried about myself'
'It's ok' he said
'It's just that you should have been off this a long time ago' he went on
'You have been stable for years'
'I know' I replied
It's true
But I am just so dependent on it
He handed me my prescription and told me to try and have a Happy Christmas
I pulled a card from my jacket and handed it to him
'That's all I have this year I'm afraid' I said
He laughed
And I left

So it was a compromise
I guess I did well considering how reluctant he was to increase it in the first place
So I know have 28mls extra a week
Which gives me some breathing room
I am so relieved
That I won't have to worry about this over Christmas
Even just knowing that it has been increased has eased my mind
I do however feel a little bad for wrecking my doctors head this morning
But it's done now
I can get on with the holidays

Not giving in

Thank you all for your kind words and comments on my last post
I don't need to tell you
It was a difficult post to write
I don't want to admit that I am struggling
I don't want to admit that my ED is becoming active again
I don't want to worry people
Or let people down
Especially my long suffering family
But there is something about this illness that takes such a grip on us
It gets in to our bones
In to our souls
With long icy fingers it wraps itself around our bodies and minds
Numbing us with its cold cold grasp
It's terrifying

My thinking has been really warped recently
Thinking a lot about drugs
Wanting to get out of my head
Just to feel nothing
Just to escape for a while
I listen to dance and rave music
My heart beats so fast
And I feel like I have taken something
The other day I thought to myself
'I think I will have a drink today'
And I was really going to
The only reason I didn't was that I forgot to buy it when I was out
I think about drugs a lot
And I feel like I am missing out
I feel like life is so boring and banal without mind altering substances
My sister tells me that this is my addiction talking
She is not wrong
My addiction whispers in my ear
Taunting me
Trying to lure me in
Somewhere inside me I know that it's all bullshit
But still
It makes a good argument
And I am so easily influenced

I think I have white knuckled it thus far
I have got through the last few months on the fumes of willpower
But I need something to sustain me
Something to keep my from using
I go around and around it in my head
And I always come back to meetings
Meetings work
I know they do
If I could just get my sorry ass there
I would love to go
But I can't say if I will or not
It's too scary at the moment
It's too much

So it seems that I am being attacked from all sides
Is it a case of, if my addiction doesn't get me my ED will?
It feels like that sometimes
This all sound s very defeatist
And it is
But despite all that is happening to me right now
I'm not giving up
Not giving in
My stubbornness and determination come in handy sometimes
It's funny the things that can get you through the day
My favourite song to listen to at the moment is Take me to church by Hozier
If you get a chance check out the video
It's truly amazing

I know that I need to put all this energy in to something useful and positive
If I could just channel in to something worthwhile
And still get that buzz if satisfaction
What ever that may be
Working with animals
Dancing
Converting my big and unused shed in to something worth having
My mind likes to have a reward
Something to look forward to
Little treats to make life more bearable
It's just that my mind immediately turns to chemicals when I think of this
But yes
In the new year
I really need to find something to do
To work towards
It really is a muct

This post is just to let you know that I'm not holding up my white flag just yet
I am hanging in there
I am fighting this relapse
I refuse to go down this road again
My head just can't handle it
And I'm pretty sure my body can't either
I take comfort in the fact that I have a loving family
Actually if you would believe it
The other day I was cursing the fact that I have a virtuous doctor and caring family
I wished that my doctor was corrupt
And would give me any drugs I wanted
And I wished my sister would give me her prescription for sleeping pills
I was actually thinking in my head that
That is warped and messed up
But then again
That is me all over


I am beyond blessed to have the family I have
Deep down I know that
Lesser people would have given up on me long ago
I don't deserve them really
And I can never repay them for what they have done for me

Despite all that is whirling around in my mind
I'm not going to use
I know I'm not
I have to much to lose now
It's just not worth it

So this is me signing off for today's post
I feel a little bit more hopeful today
A little bit stronger and able to deal with life
I'm ok
I am ok

I

Am

Ok

Trigger Warning - Weight loss

I can't quite put my finger on when it happened
But I know it happened very suddenly
I didn't notice it at first
It was subtle
Hard to detect
I think it might have had something to do with the fact that I finally got sick of eating white chocolate
I was eating an awful lot of it
5 family size bars a day
It was my heroin for a time
So sweet and creamy
It took me away to another place
Just me
My cup of tea
And 8 squares of chocolate
I've always had a funny thing with numbers and food
For example if I was going to have a biscuit
I would pick a number in my head
It could be 2
Or three and a half
Or four and a quarter
Whatever number felt right
And no other number would do
It was the same with chocolate
It had to be a precise number
It just had to be
That was the rule
And we all know how an ED girl loves her rules

Anyway
So yes
I had been eating a lot of chocolate
And then wondering why my weight was going up
Even my sister commented on my chocolate intake on a number of occasions
But I literally couldn't stop eating it
It was like a drug
But I guess I ate too much of it
Because all of a sudden I didn't crave it any more
Just like flicking a switch
My cravings went

Around this time I went to spend the weekend with my uncle
He had a weighing scales in his living room
One morning
While everyone else was in bed
I stepped on the scales
Just to torment myself
I saw a number that I have never seen before
In my mind I was over weight
The shock of this
Coupled with not eating chocolate
Resulted in my weight starting to head south
I began to weigh myself more regularly
I noticed little losses
Soon I was weighing myself every day
Waking up in the morning, I looked forward to weighing myself
It focused my mind
Gave me something to aim for
To work towards
I had a certain number in my head
That I want to get to
Then I will stop, I told myself
Then I will stop

It's now been about 4 weeks
And I've lost a stone
It's not terribly noticeable to be to be honest
But my Mum and sister have commented on it
My Mum saying that my face looks thinner
But I guess I can feel it in my clothes
They are looser
Roomier
God forgive me for enjoying that

The thing I keep telling myself is
That I am still a healthy weight
Just about
So there is no danger
But I know this illness
I know when I get to my goal
The goal post shifts again
There is no end point with anorexia
It's never enough
Am I worried?
If I am honest
Yes
A little
I had been doing so well
Am I really going to throw that all away?
I don't know is the answer

Why is it so easy to point out what others should be doing?
But when it comes to ourselves we just can't seem to do it
If I was my friends or my sister
I would be pleading with them to stop
But I know it has to come from the person themselves
No one can do it for me

I'm losing a pound every 2 days
But I'm not just losing weight
I'm losing my mind
My recovery
My family
My self worth
Self esteem
My confidence
My hope and faith
My belief that I will be ok
My determination to get well
My drive to overcome this illness
And my will to live

I'm sorry
I know I had given so many of you hope that recovery was possible
I don't know what is happening to me
I'm sorry

Happy Christmas!

I wanted to take this opportunity to wish you all a very Happy Christmas
This is my third Christmas blogging
In 2012 I was in Australia
Last year I was in treatment
So this is my first 'normal' Christmas in a few years

I know that a lot of you are struggling
Especially at this time of year
Just remember to take it easy on yourself
Do as much as you can
No one expects anything more
And if you are struggling
Reach out
Don't suffer in silence
Tell someone
Let someone know you are finding it tough
Be kind to yourself
Be gentle with yourself
You are precious

So Happy Christmas to you!
If you are lonely
If you are sad
If you are so low you can't bear it
If you would rather eat your own foot that celebrate Christmas
If you are eating disordered
If you are underweight, over weight or somewhere in between
If you are questioning if you even have an eating disorder
If you are depressed
If you feel like you can't hold on
If you are asking yourself 'What is the point?'
If you are on your own today
If all you want is a hug from someone who cares
If you are considering disappearing
Hold on!
Find something
Anything
And hold on to that
All we have to deal with is right now
Today
The past is gone
Tomorrow might never come
Just worry about you
Right now this second
If you are reading this and are wondering how the hell you are going to get through the next week
Stop
Just for a minute
And breathe
You can  get through this
You are stronger than you think
You are more powerful than you think
I promise you

I am far from recovery today
My ED still very active
I still ambivalent about recovery
As messed up as that sounds, it's the truth
But this year I got a glimpse of my life without my ED
A fleeting glimpse albeit but it was enough
I feel hope for the first time in a long time
Up until now I truly believed that I would never recover
I had accepted that my ED was always going to be there
And I was ok with that
I have been to treatment numerous times
I have seen countless therapists, counsellors and doctors
Lost and gained a lot of weight
A lot of people gave up on me
I had even given up on me
But now I do see a glimmer of hope
It turns out that I might not be the wretched person I thought I was
It turns out that my personality is still there
It turn out that  maybe I can come back from this
It turns out that I want to live
And if I can then you can too


Please take good care of yourselves
Please know that you are not alone
You are not the only one who feels this way
I promise you

I also wanted to say thank you to all my blogging friends
You all have become like family over the last two and a half years
I love each and every one of you
You all have a special place in my heart
I feel so blessed that I have this community of people
You have been through everything with me
So thank you for that
For being there
For commenting and emailing 
For allowing me to be part of your story
For picking me up when I fell
For helping me when I was stuck
For reminding me that I am more than my ED
You have been instrumental in my recovery

There's no denying it
This time of year is tough
Part of me can't wait for it all to be over
But I will do my best to stay well
And enjoy the celebrations
I count my lucky stars every day
That I have a loving family
A roof over my head
Food in my fridge
And clothes in my wardrobe
And at Christmas
I feel that little bit more grateful

Take care of you
Stay well
And enjoy Christmas as much as you can x

Christmas outfit

I've been trying to figure out what to where on Christmas Day

I know I will wear the new jumper that I bought when I went to Dublin

I'm saving that for good wear

But I can't decide what to wear with it

It has to be warm

It has to be comfortable as I will be cooking 

But I also want too look nice too

Here are a couple of options

Blue wool jumper - Fat Face
Dark navy jeans - River Island

Skirt - A wear

Gotcha!

As you might know
A person call themselves Ana's challenge has been commenting on a lot of our blogs
Being quite intrusiv
Upsetting people
And being down right rude when they didn't get the response they were looking
I have left my fair share of replies to this person
I know you shouldn't feed the trolls
But in this instance I couldn't help myself
I also checked out their blog
Which is a litany of  'Tips and tricks'
And all in pigeon English

Myself and the lovely Bella have been on the case
To find out who this person really is
I suspected it was a man
And we feared that he was praying on young and vulnerable girls
For his own sick and twisted gains
As I know we can be the targets of dirty old men who look for photos of girls

After he was told that he was not welcome or wanted around here
He seemed to go quiet
But today Bella sent me an email
With a link to Ana's challenge latest post
And we were right
He is indeed a very sick person
I was going to post the link here
But I don't want to upset people
And I don't want to give him any more attention than this post

So this is a warning to anyone being harassed by Ana's challenge
If he comments
Delete and block
It's the only way to deal with these kind of people
And hopefully he will get tired and give up
And leave us alone
People here have enough problems to deal with
Without a pervert stalking our blogs
I mean how sick do you have to be to prey on young girls like this
Some are very vulnerable
And might not see him for what he is
I have seen comments on his blog
Asking him for help with restricting etc
And he always asks for photos

Anyway
Just to let you know
This person is not what they seem
I hope he has not hurt anyone any more than he has

Christmas shopping

My sister and I went in to town today to do a bit of shopping

We are doing secret Santa this yea

So we all only have one gift to buy

I am buying for my mum and the price limit is €50

She had already given me the names of some books she wanted

So I got those

And also some soaps from Avoca for her

I also got socks, pants and a pair of jeans for myself

And a diary for my friend L

Here are some photos from today

On the way on to town

New hat - Dorothy Perkins

Shopped out

Socks and pants

Books for my Mum

Diary for my friend  L

Wrapping paper, fancy!

Soaps from Avoca

Jeans - River Island