FAQ

I seem to have acquired some new readers recently
So I thought I would a Q and A
About questions that I frequently get asked
Feel free to ask your own.......

Where do you live?
I live near a small town on the west coast of Ireland
I moved here 10 years ago
I grew up in the midlands
And over the years have lived in Dublin and Galway
I love it here though
It's the country side
So it's perfect for someone who loves animals

Do you have brothers and sisters?
Yes
I have two older sisters
And an older brother
I am the youngest

How old are you?
I'm 33
Funnily, I used to loathe telling people my age
As I was convinced that everyone on blogger was a lot younger than me
However I now know that's not true
And I have no problem telling people my age

What age were you diagnosed with your ED?
I was 19
It was while I was doing a drug detox in hospital
It was quite a shock
And I denied it for a long time
I just couldn't accept that I had both an addiction problem and an ED
It wasn't until I was about 23 that I finally accepted that I had food and weight issues

How long were you addicted to drugs for?
About 7 years
The worst years of my life

Which is worse
Your ED or your addiction?
They are both different strands of the same problem
I couldn't say that one is worse than the other
They are equally hellish

Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?
I do
Even though it is a very rocky road
I am trying my best to make a better life for myself

Do you have any pets?
I think most of you know that I have two dogs
Lea a Golden Retriever
And Honey a little Terrier
They are both 9
And have saved my life over and over

What are your hobbies?
I love to write
To dance
To swim
Walk
Watch movies
They are my main hobbies

When did you start blogging?
I started writing my blog in April 2012
Almost 3 years ago

Why did you start blogging?
I started reading blogs first
I was reading them for quite a quite a while before I was inspired to write my own
The first blogs I read were Lou over at My life with ED, Ana and Mia
And Recovering Anorexic over on Wordpress
Now I read a variety of blogs
But mostly ED blogs

What star sign are you?
I'm a Virgo
I was born on the 7th September
I was quite  a typical Virgo
Determined
Stubborn
Single minded
Neat and hard working

Have you ever worked?
Yes I have had a variety of jobs
I worked in a bank for a while
A clothes shop
An office
A pizzeria
I taught dance to kids for a few years
But I haven't worked in  couple of years now
I hope to go back someday

What is your dream job?
To go back to dancing
Or to work with animals

What is your favourite colour?
I love blue and purple

What music do you like?
I love all kinds of music
I love Lana Del Ray
Bat for Lashes
Rudimental
Clean Bandit
Rolling Stones
David Bowie
Too many to mention

Are you religious?
I would consider myself more spiritual than religious

What is the best piece of advice you have ever been given?
Treat others as you would like to be treated
Be yourself

Do you drive?
I do
I have a little 03 Toyota Yaris
I love it!

What has been the highlight of your blogging experience?
Meeting all the amazing girls here
And being able to call them friends

Do you believe that full recovery is possible?
I do
But like any addiction
I don't think it ever fully goes away
But we learn to manage it

Let me know if you have any more questions.....

What a difference a day makes.....

And that difference can be huge
Honestly and truly

I was feeling hopeful but weary this morning
I felt like I had a huge climb ahead of me
To get back on track
And I wasn't much looking forward to it
But first things first
I had to go to the chemist to pick up my meds
I wasn't looking forward to that either
Thought the staff would look down on me for being back at square one
But of course they didn't
They were lovely to me
I didn't even have to explain my being there
They got my methadone straight away
And I was off again

I was due to meet my friend from treatment today
She sent me a text saying she would be an hour late
I was feeling tired and emotional
And didn't feel like venturing out
So I asked her if she wanted to leave it for another day
But she said she would to see me
So we kept our date

After the chemist I set off for Grange
We were meeting in a local pub for coffee
I'm not the worlds most confident driver
So I cautiously made my way there
Then my next issue was where to park
To go in to the pub car park
Or park in the car park across the road where it was less busy
I went for the pub car park
Just to challenge myself
And luckily there was lots of room
It's funny the things that challenge us
I have no problem whizzing around the back roads near my house
But put me on a main road
And I do tend to get anxious

Anyway
I made it there safely
And settled in  to a seat near the wall
It is such a cozy pub
All exposed brick work
And wooden beams
I was early so I ordered a cup of tea
And played on my iphone
Until I heard my friend coming towards me
I greeted her with a big hug
And we immediately started to chat
It was lovely
And this friend really is such a good support
Not to mention an inspiration
It was just pure chance that we met in hospital
We both live near the same town
And have been firm friends ever since treatment last year

She has seen me at my very worst
When you are in treatment together
You go through so much
On meeting everyone you are so weak and tired and emotional
You spend almost every minute of every day together
You eat together
Go to group together
Everything together
I have such vivid memories of my time there
Laughing with the girls
Crying
Walking endless laps of the ground
Gathering every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning for weigh in
Post meal group
Curling our legs under us in our seats
Cooking group
Recreation group
Bloods every Tuesday morning
Which were always an ordeal for someone like me with rubbish veins
We were there so long
Some of us weeks
Some of us months
Some more than a year
We knew each other intimately
You don't spend that long with someone and not get to know them
It's a unique experience
Ever since last year I have met my friend every couple of weeks
We have a strong bond
And I love that
She is nothing short of amazing
She works
Runs a home
Rears 3 boys
And all while battling her illness
She truly is an inspiration
And she has always been very vocal in encouraging me
She tells me that I am unrecognizable from the person I was this time last year
Everything from my hair to my posture has improved she says
It's nice to hear

And we laughed
Thinking back on things that happened in treatment
Remembering all the girls there
And wondering how they are doing
We also exchanged Christmas gifts
Which was so lovely

I guess I am writing this post to tell you that I am pumped up and recharged
And ready to take the world
And my ED of course
Now
All of a sudden I remember what it feels like to feel alive
For the past few weeks I have been on the run
From myself
From my head
From life itself
I was actively numbing myself
Self medicating
Checking out of reality
Now I have been reminded that life is great
It's beautiful
It's full of surprises
And gifts
And wonder

I was feeling like a failure this morning
I didn't want to move outside the front door
I wanted to hide
To disappear
To vanish
But with a little help from my friend
I pushed myself
Pushed through the anxiety
And the fear
And ventured out in to the big wide world
And now I am so glad that I did

If you are reading this today
If you are feeling the way that I was this morning
I just want you to know that I know what that feels like
I have been there
Been there constantly for the last few weeks
I want you to know that if you can push past that feeling
And bring yourself to venture outside
Or where ever it is you want to go
There are amazing and wonderful things if you can just get past that feeling
Our EDs
And our addictions would have us believe that we are safe in our comfort zones
We have everything we need there
They tell us that going beyond that is too scary
Too anxiety provoking
But if we don't push past
Then we will never know what we are missing
I am the type of person who is a worrier
I worry about everything and anything
If I turned the cooker off
If I turned the lights in my car off
And I mostly worry about other people
What they think of me
If they like me or not
If they think what I am saying is stupid
I waste so much energy and time wondering what other think of me
But you know what?
It doesn't matter
The people who matter love me no matter what
The rest is a bonus
If they do they do
If they don't they don't
And that is ok
It's ok

I feel like I am getting back to the way I was before this slip
I feel optimistic
And hopeful
I feel alive
I truly feels alive

What a difference a day makes.........

Scale disposal

So the holidays are coming to an end
The last of our visitors leave on Monday
Today will be the last busy day
The two weeks have flown by
And even though it was a difficult time
There were some rays of sunshine
Having my sister here was awesome
Just having her around makes it a bit easier on me
Since coming home the focus has been on her
All the relatives want to talk to her
So I can relax a little
And stay in the background
Where I am more comfortable
Other comforts came in the form of my parents
My Auntie B
My dogs
You all here on blogger who have rallied around me
And been the most amazing support

I've been on dodgy ground lately
And I guess my doctor helped matters by changing my medication to be dispensed daily
That means I can't mess around with it
And that is good in my book
My head feels a lot clearer today
I  feel a bit more determined and focused to get back on track
I know what need to be done
I have been down this particular road many many times

But first things first
This morning I have to go to the chemist
Then I'm off to meet my friend for coffee
I haven't seen her since the day we went to Dublin
So I am looking forward to seeing her

This post is just to let you know that I am not giving up
Or giving in
I feel a bit stronger
And  bit more able today
There is hope
There is always hope
I haven't come this far just to throw everything away that I have worked so hard for
Weighing is not helping matters
I am thinking about getting rid of the other scale in my house
As I feel compelled to stand on it every morning
And it is driving me bananas
I just can't decide how to dispose of it
Do you have any ideas?
I threw my last one in to the lake
And that was very satisfying
I don't know
I will think of something

Anyway
I better go get a wriggle on and get ready to go out
Do let me know if you can think of any creative ways to get rid of my scale
See you on the next post......

Confession

I felt so horrible and bad this morning

After what I did yesterday

I can't even bring myself to type the words

The past few days have been really hard

My binging and purging is spinning wildly out of control again

And I've really been misusing my meds

I woke up this morning to find that I had only one day of methadone

And no tablets at all

There was only one thing for it

I had to go and see my doctor again 

And this time I had to be honest about everything

So myself and Lea headed off in the car

Honey is refusing to come out in this cold weather

We went for a brisk walk

Before I went to see if the surgery was open

It was

Thank you God

I walked in to see that it was packed

I asked the receptionist if there were any appointments left

She said there wasn't

I was going to leave

But I decided to try sitting outside his room and talk to him myself

About ten minutes later he came out

He saw me

Asked if I was there to see him

Ans told me he couldn't see me unt the end of surgery an hour later

Well at least he didn't refuse to see me
I was glad of that

I headed back to the car
Did some food shopping 
And brought Lea for another walk
By then it was almost an hour later
So I made my way back to the surgery

I didn't have to wait to long
He called me in after about 15 minutes
I started off with an apology
I said I was sorry for being such a pain the last couple of weeks
But that I was really struggling
I told about my meds
The alcohol
And my food
He asked why things were so tough right now
I couldn't really answer him
It could be the time of year
The fact that I am bored
And want to get out of my own head
I said I was on dodgy territory
He asked what I meant by that
I told him because my thinking is becoming unhealthy again
I'm slipping
In all areas

He agreed to gave me a script for more methadone
But now I have to go in to the chemist every day to pick it up
Usually I only go in to the chemist once a week and pick it all up then
I was a bit surprised when he said this
But I wasn't about to argue
I know I am lucky to get the meds at all
He said he would keep it this way for a few weeks
Until I stabilize
I guess it makes sense
Now I can't misuse it
I suppose it's him covering his ass aswell
I understand that

I left the surgery
And headed to the chemist
I felt a little bit ashamed walking in
And having to hand in the script
But this is the way things are for now
And I have to accept that
I was grateful to have it
Finally Lea and I got home
And I intend to do nothing for the rest of today

My Mother has noticed the change in me too
I went to her last night
And told her that I couldn't stop eating and purging
She said that she had noticed
And my Auntie B had also commented that I was very quiet the past couple of days
I guess I have retreated in to myself a bit
And have become withdrawn
I spoke to my Mother again this morning
And told her that I had been to see my doctor
I didn't tell her about the alcohol though
As I don't think I am in danger of doing it again

I need to get back on track though
Before I slip any further
I need to ask for support
Let my family help me as they really want to
I am meeting a friend from treatment tomorrow
So I will have a good chat with her
Then next week everything is back to normal
So I am glad of that
I can back in to my routine
And can structure my day
All  these long and lazy days with nothing to do are starting to get to me

I just want to feel ok you know?
I'm not asking for ecstatic happiness
I just want to feel ok in my head
And ok in my skin
I want to feel ok to be me
And not want to be constantly escaping every opportunity I get
I want to be the best person I can be
I want to be clean and sober
And be happy to be clean and sober
I want to stop running
To stop feeling so afraid of this life
I want to have control of my food
And use it the way it's supposed to be used
For energy and fuel
Not for binging and purging
And punishing myself
I want to be a good person
I want to lay my head on my pillow at night
And feel like I lived my life to the best of my ability
I want to be free of the demons that plague me
That try to kill me
I want to want to live
Is that too much to ask?
I hope not....

Happy New Year!

I am now at the weight that I was before I got ill

A weight where my BMI is 19

I've lost almost 20 pound since the start of November

Quite a lot I guess

In a short space of time
I feel a lot better at this weight
More like myself
And I think it suits me much better
I didn't feel comfortable at the weight I was
Even though I was still in healthy range with a BMI of 23
So now I just have to maintain this weight
Easier said that done
As you know
With anorexia
The goal posts are always changing
You reach one goal
And feel a sense of satisfaction for about 5 minutes
Before it's full steam ahead to the next goal

I know that I am on dodgy territory
I know that I need to be careful
But hopefully this is just my weight settling down
And that I will stay in or around this weight
I know that if I lose any more
I will be on shaky ground
My binging and purging has increased dramatically over the last couple of weeks
I am hoping that it is the stress of the holidays
And that I will get back on track when it's all over
But I guess now is the time for new starts
And fresh beginnings
A time to make change
To start off on the right foot
2014 has been a rollercaoster to say the least
Treatment
Family issues
New car
Did the Pieta House night walk
Spent two weeks in London
Mary left
I gave up smoking
Lea's fur grew back
I turned 33
My sister came home from Australia
I threw my scales in to the lake
I smashed my ashtray
My methadone was reduced to 18mls
And was then increased to 22ml
I did a mindfulness course
I made new friends
I felt hope for the first time in forever
So much has happened
And most of it good

As for New Years resolutions
I tend not to make any
Because I like to do things when I feel ready
Not just because it is January 1st
But this year I am making one
And that is to save money every week
This is the whole reason why I gave up smoking
Because I wanted to have some extra cash
But of course I found other things to spend my money on
So I haven't saved a penny yet
I am notoriously bad with money
The minute I get it in to hand
I feel like I have to spend it
So this will be a challenge
But I am determined to do it

I am having a quiet night in tonight
With my Mum and Auntie B
I brought them both for lunch earlier today
It was so lovely to be able to pay for them for a change
So I am now in my pyjamas
I have a cup of tea
And a box of celebrations
Which I am going to inhale....

Happy New Year to you and yours!
I hope 2015 is the best yet!

The year in photos

So it's the end of another year
2014 has been eventful to say the least
Instead of me telling you about it
I thought I would show you the year in photos
Here goes......

Bye bye cigarettes

Winter walk

My mum, my brother and his partner, my sister and I

And of course Honey and Lea all bundled in to the car yesterday to go for a winter walk

We walked for a good hour

Before we headed for dinner in a cosy pub 

Here are some photos of us messing
Oh
And to the anonymous commenter who said that I looked 'disgusting' in my Christmas photos
Sorry
You'll have to be more creative with your insults to get me to stop posting photos
Try again....