5 months

Today I am five months smoke free

I had my last cigarette on 11th August at 10 30am in my aunties garden in London

I had been building up

To it for a couple of weeks

My uncle had brought me home two cartons of cigarettes from Turkey

That's four hundred individual cigarettes

I decided that when I had them smoked

I would give up

I deliberately chose a time when I was away from home

As I figured it would be easier to quit away from my usual routine

The two cartons of smokes lasted me barely two weeks

That's almost thirty cigarettes a day

I smoked my head off

Now I wonder how I had the time to smoke that many a day

But you know what?

I thoroughly enjoyed every one

I was not one of those people who was a reluctant smoker

Oh no

I loved smoking

Loved the ritual of it

Taking a cigarette from the box tapping the head on the box

Lighting up a flame

And taking that first glorious drag

I loved the social aspect of sneaking outside with someone to share a smoke

The way you could strike up a conversation with a fellow smoker

 I loved it all

My favourite smoke of the day was first thing in the morning

Making a cup of hot sweet tea

Settling down at an open window

And for those 5 - 7 minutes

I was in heaven 

Lost in my own thoughts

I did my best thinking when I was smoking

All of this sounds very romantic and glamorous

But it's not

It's really not

Being a smoker is tough

More often than not you are a social pariah

Banished outside away from everyone else

I can remember when you could smoke in pubs

On trains

When no one would bat an eye lid if you lit up right in front of them

I remember the first time I was in hospital

You could smoke right outside the building

My care assistant would push me on my wheel chair down to the smoking shelter 

And we would simultaneously light up

Now you can't even smoke in the hospital grounds

How times have changed

Then there are the health issues 

Although I have to admit

This never really bothered me

Because for most of my career as a smoker I didn't care if I lived or died

And of course the big elephant in the room

I didn't want to stop smoking

Because I didn't want to gain weight

Not on your nelly

No

The one thing that got me was the financial cost

At ten euros a pop 

I was spending €100 a week on-my precious   cigarettes

I am on a disability allowance

A very fixed income

So that left me with little or no money to spare

And when my bulimia was raging

Food was another expense

And so my money rarely lasted the week

I was constantly broke

Always borrowing money

Always oweing money

It's not a nice feeling

I couldn't save any money

I had no spare money for incidentals

Needed help paying for my car expenses

This really got to me

As I really wanted to be financially independent

Or as much as I could be

So there was only one thing for it

The smokes had to go

So on that morning of the 11th August 2014

I settled down on the bench in my auntie b's garden

With a cup of tea

I had my book there

But I decided not to read

I wanted to enjoy and savour

Every last puff of that smoke

And I did

It was one of the most enjoyable smokes I ever had

But all too soon

It was over

And it was time to put it out 

I said my goodbyes

Stubbed it out

And walked in to the house

And in to my life as a non smoker

Giving up while I was away

Turned out to be a good idea

I didn't have a fixed routine

So there weren't specific times when I smoked

It wasn't easy though

I was so afraid of the dreaded weight gain

But I was gaining weight anyway

So I thought what the hell?

And I did gain weight

And probably over shot my set point

But thankfully my weight seems to have settled at a BMI of 20

Praise the Lord my weight has settled

So it's been five months

And it has been hard

But not as hard as I thought it would be

I still dream about smoking

I wake up panicking

Then I remember I haven't smoked

And relief floods through my body

I still love the smell of cigarettes

I love to get a whiff of second hand smoke

I was in my living room last week

And I got a smell of smoke

I followed the scent

And found my father smoking a cigar out the kitchen window

So I guess my sense of smell had improved

But I am glad

I'm happy to be a non smoker

Say it with me people

I

Am

A 

Non

Smoker

This is a little cigarette case I bought in London a few years ago

This is a cigarette purse I bought also
I wanted to be like Betty Draper from Madmen

Goodbye scales, hello life!

The weather improved a little here

So I decided to carry out operation get rid of scale

In the end

I decided to use a hammer

Two hammers in fact

I really liked the idea of running it over with my car

But didn't want to risk puncturing a tire

And also didn't want to pollute the water ways around me any more than I already have

So the hammers it was

Instead of me telling you all about it

Here are some photos.....

Preparing the scale for demolition

Not one but two hammers

Smash that scale!

Lea and Honey did not know what to make of it!

Put your back in to it girl!

One demolished scale!

So there are now no scales in my house

And I intend to keep it that way this time

Good bye scales, hello life!

Canines, Camino and caring for our community

Thank you all so much for your feedback on my last post
It never ceases to amaze me the support I get from you all
In April I will celebrate 3 years blogging
3 years of being part of this fantastic community
3 years of getting to know some of the loveliest people I have ever met
Starting this blog is one of the better decisions I have made in recent years
Writing here every day has saved my life over and over again
And I have found that I have a real love of writing
Documenting that last 3 years has been amazing
Sometimes I read back over my archive
And it's so great to have all the ups and downs of the last 3 years down on paper
I often read back on an event that has slipped my mind
Or things that I have just forgotten
It's so nice to be able to read a detailed account of my journey thus far

And of course you
I won't mention all your names
You know who you are
You are my dear friends
Confidants
Supporters
Fellow soldiers in the fight against our demons
I have never met you
And may never
I don't even know what a lot of your look like
Or your real names
But I don't have to
You all know more about me than a lot of my family
You have been an important and integral part of my story
A key part of my recovery
All of you have have been a piece in the puzzle that is my life
Thank you for that

Anyway
Back to the business of scale disposal
I have decided what to do with my scale
But unfortunately I won't get to do it today
As the weather here is brutal
I opened the blinds this morning
To see sheets of rain blowing horizontally
Myself and Lea went for a walk
And the wind was so strong I had to hold on to a fence at one point
So I think I will leave my plan until tomorrow
I won't tell you what I am planning to do
I will keep it as a surprise

In other news
I feel like I am on the road back to being myself
I am taking my meds properly
And that has made a huge difference
I feel compis mentis
I feel emotionally and physically stable
And in regards of my ED
Well I have stopped weighing
And that feels amazing
I am no longer an emotional yo yo
My mood and self esteem depending on a number
I feel hopeful and positive
Obviously things are not perfect
But I feel I am getting through it as best I can

I'm sure I mentioned it here before
But for a long time I have wanted to do the Camino
The the Camino is a walk/pilgrimage that is done in Spain
Today, tens of thousands^[18] of Christian pilgrims and many others set out each year from their front doorsteps or from popular starting points across Europe, to make their way to Santiago de Compostela. Most travel by foot, some by bicycle, and a few travel as some of their medieval counterparts did, on horseback or by donkey (for example, the British author and humourist Tim Moore). In addition to those undertaking a religious pilgrimage, many are hikers who walk the route for other reasons: travel, sport, or simply the challenge of weeks of walking in a foreign land. Also, many consider the experience a spiritual adventure to remove themselves from the bustle of modern life. It serves as a retreat for many modern "pilgrims".
(Wikipedia)

Ever since I first heard about it a few years ago
I have wanted to do it
Or at least do part of it
But up until now
I haven't been physically well enough to do it
But now I feel that I am 
So my Mother, my sister and I are planning to do it in September
Not all of it as it is 700km long
We are going to do about 120km
In the space of a week
I am so looking forward to this
It gives me a goal to work towards
And something to look forward to
I also need to save about 500 Euros for the trip
So I do need to discipline myself
I have bought a looked money box
Locked it and given the key to my sister
And my  aim is to save 25 Euros a week
Not easy for a shopoholic like me
But I will do my best
I find that if I have something on the horizon to look forward to 
I feel a lot better in myself
Sometimes time can stretch ahead of me
And it can be quite overwhelming  and daunting if there are no punctuation marks

I am also looking for things to keep me occupied
Something to focus on
A reason to get up in the morning
I think I am going to sign up for another yoga class
And am on the look out for another writing course
Starting a course scares me some
As I am notorious for starting things
And not finishing them
But I think if I find something I am interested in
I am more like to complete it

Honey update
After our visit to the vet yesterday
Honey's eye seemed to deteriorate
It's gone very cloudy again
And looks very sore and wet
So I think I will bring her back to vet Monday or Tuesday
I feel so sorry for my little Honey
She is so confused as to why she is wearing the buster collar
And this setback has really knocked the wind out of her sails
We are all spoiling her
And looking after her as best we can
Making sure she is as comfortable as possible
I am hoping and praying that she makes a good recovery

So that's it for today my friends
I hope you have a lovely weekend
See you on the next post........

Vote!

So I am getting really sick at looking at my scale in the corner of my room
You know that I threw one scale in to the lake
But there was another one lurking in my house
And somehow it found a home in my bedroom
For a while there I was weighing every day
And it was driving me as mad as a box frogs
So I stopped weighing
And now feel strong enough to get rid of it for good
Here's where you come in
I have a few different options of how to dispose of it
I could throw it in to the lake again
Throw it in to the sea
Run it over with my car
Or smash it with a hammer
My Mum thinks I should give it to a charity shop
But I want to do something symbolic
What do you think?
Which option do you like the sound of?
Or maybe you have another idea
Vote now!
The lines will be open until 9am tomorrow morning
Please don't vote after that time as your vote won't be counted
But you may still be charged

Vote 1 for scale in the lake
Vote 2 for scale in the sea
Vote 3 for running it over with my car
Vote 4 for smashing scale with hammer

Good luck!!

Sea view vet

Honey had her follow up appointment with the vet today

We bundled Leaand Honey in to the car first thing this morning and set off

I was hoping we could take the buster collar off today

As she is so awkward with it on

Constantly banging in to things

And generally being quite uncomfortable

We arrived at the vet

And I was glad to see that it was the same vet we saw on Monday

We headed in to the surgery

And I lifted Honey up on to the table

No mean feat given that she weighs 16kg

Straight away the vet said there was a massive improvement 

The swelling and redness have gone right down

She is opening her eye now

And she is in better form all around

To be on the safe side

The vet told us to keep the collar on for another week

When we will return for another follow up appointment

She also gave me another five days of tablets

I left the vet happy that Honey is on the mend

And €90 lighter

I don't mind the cost though

I'd pay anything to get Honey well and healthy

Here are some photos from today.....

This morning on her favourite chair

Scratching her little ears

In the vets with my sister

This is the animal scales
I was tempted to stand on it
But resisted

Not forgetting Lea who has been so patient this week

Shout out!

Honey continues to improve every day
Yesterday morning when I opened the utility room door
She bounded out to greet me
And even went for a little walk
My Dad came down yesterday afternoon
And Honey was so delighted to see him
And her eye looks much better
The swelling has gone right down
The redness is gone
And you can actually see her eye now

But then I got a real fright
As when I looked at her
It looked like her eye was bleeding profusely
It was literally dripping from her eye
I wiped it with a cotton ball
And it wasn't blood
It was a black tar like substance
I was very concerned
So I rang my vet
Who said that this is normal
And it's all part of the healing process
I was so relieved
My Mum says that it is the 'poison' and the 'badness' coming out of her eye
I think she is right

After that I kept a close eye on Honey
Wiping her eye every so often
The buster collar is driving her bananas
But hopefully it can come off tomorrow
She has been thoroughly spoiled the last few days
Everyone has been so worried about
Because she is a big part of this family
And an important part
I for one would be lost without her

In other news
My ED behaviours have improved some
I'm not purging as much
But it is still there
Being the bane of my life that it always is
My Dad commented yesterday
That I look like I have lost more weight
I don't know if I have
As I have stopped weighing myself
I had to stop
It was becoming obsessive
I feel quite comfortable in my skin at the moment
I don't love my body
But I don't hate it either
I swing between being able to accept it
And absolutely hating
It can change from to the other depending on my mood

One thing that has really helped this week
Is the fact that my meds are being dispensed daily
Now I have no opportunity to mess around with them
And I feel more stable and grounded
More clear headed
I really needed to get back on track
And I am

I guess the last few weeks were a learning curve
I learned that a slip doesn't have to turn in to a relapse
That not doing everything perfect it ok
I've learned that recovery is a roller coaster
That it's ok to make mistakes
Everyone does
And that is where I learn

I met my friend this morning for a walk
We had a great chat
Compared Christmases
She also has addiction issues and an ED
So it's great  to be able to talk so someone who gets it
My family is great
But they don't really get it

So it is now 2015
My goals are to continue to not smoke
To save a bit of money every week
To do part of the Camino before the year is out
And to keep on top of my recovery

By the way
This is a shout out
A girl called Beatrice emailed me yesterday
I am so sorry Beatrice
But I deleted your email by mistake
Could you send it again
As I really want to reply to you

Progress Report

Nurse Ruby here 

Reporting for duty

Today I have one patient 

Name: Honey

Age: 9

Species: Canine

Ailment: Eye infection

Honey presented with a very blood shot and swollen

It was so swollen 

I couldn't even see the pupil of the eye

And it was clear she was in a lot of pain

Honey was prescribed antibiotics, pain killers and anti inflammatory tablets

To be taken over the course of a week

She also has to wear a buster collar until the eye clears up

Honey was not in great form for the last few days

She spent a lot of time in her bed 

And the meds seem to be really taking it out of her

Today

I am delighted to report that she is in better form

She is up on her feet

She's eating

And she even barked at next doors dog

Meds are going well too

She is taking them without too much fuss

So I am optimistic that she will make a full recovery

On another note

I applied to be a foster mum to dogs that need it

I am so looking forward to this

I've wanted to do this for ages

I'll keep you updated

 

Here is Honey today