The Boy

I've wanted to write this post for a while
But have avoided it as I know that some of my family read this blog
However
I am going to write it anyway
As I need to write about this
Here goes

I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time
A really long time
Partly because I was sick
And boys just weren't on my radar
Partly because I hated myself so much
And didn't trust anyone who showed me any kind of positive attention
Mostly because I was too busy trying to kill myself with various addictions
I didn't have the energy or the inclination to date

You may remember a post I did about a year ago called 'Blast from the past'
It was about a guy I had run in to here in my home town
I was walking my dogs on my road one day
And a jeep pulled up
Someone stuck their head out the window
And called my name
I didn't know who the heck it was at first
But as I got closer to the jeep
I saw it was indeed a blast from the past
It was my ex-boyfriends best friend
A guy that has been in and out of my life for years
As I spoke to him
He told me that he was living up here now
There was also a girl in the jeep with him
Who I presumed was his girlfriend
I can remember that day so clearly
My heart was thumping in my chest
As memories came flooding back
I actually became worried that he was so close by
I mean I came here to get away from all that shit
But I thought maybe he came up here for the same reason as I did
To start a new life
We exchanged phone numbers
And said we would meet up soon
But I wasn't sure if I wanted to

Since then
I have run in to this guy a couple of times
Then I went in to treatment
And we lost contact again
Then Christmas this year
He texted me to see if I wanted to meet up
I was nervous but we arranged to meet up this week for coffee
However
The universe intervened
And we were snowed in
He texted that morning to say that his jeep wouldn't start
So we said we would leave it for another day

He has been on my mind a lot
Back when we were using
There was four of us that hung out together
Me and my boyfriend
And this guy and his girlfriend
I always thought this guy was good looking
In a sort of earthy manly kind of way
He was always in trouble
And I guess that appealed to me to
But nothing ever happened between us
And I suppose I am wondering why he wants to meet
Is it genuinely for a coffee and a chat
Or is it something more that he wants
I am so out of practice with flirting and such
That I really can't tell what he wants
Heck
I don't even know what I want

But I think this
What I am going through
Is pretty normal for someone my age
I guess it is progress because it means I am healthy enough to consider such things
The ball is in my court now
He said to text him when I want to meet up
But that;s the thing
I don't know what I want
And I wish I knew what he wanted

This is where you all come in
I need some girl to girl advice
What do you think about my meeting this guy?
Do you think I am on dodgy territory?
Should I leave well enough alone?
Or should I pursue this?

HELP!!!
I NEED HELP!!

We are family

As you know
I smashed my scales to bits  the other day
My house is now scale free
And I intend to keep it that way
However
That does not quell my curiosity
I am dying to know what my weight is
Every time I go in to collect my meds
My attention is draw the huge scale in the corner of the shop
It's one of those fancy, new fangled ones
That measures your weight and body fat and blood pressure amongst other things
I used to use it all the time
I must have been quite a sight
Taking of as many layers as I could get away with in public
Studying the little slip of paper it shoots out
Like it was a winning Lottery ticket
I saved those pieces of paper
Kept them in my wallet
And took them out regularly to read them
To ease my mind that I wasn't overweight

And then I noticed the other day
That my chemist is stocking Weight Watchers scales
You know the ones
You can track your weight progress and that sort of thing




Not to mention all the weight loss aids that are being promoted now
I see all sorts of things as I walk around the shop
Slimming aids
Meal replacement shakes
Meal replacement soups
Protein bars
All kinds of pills and potions
It doesn't trigger me really
But it does fascinate me
I remember being in the chemist one day
And one of the shop assistants was explaining to a woman
How this particular product 'binds to the fat in your body'  so it is eliminated
I remember thinking how silly do you have to be to believe this stuff
Surely of any of these products worked
Then nobody would be over weight

When you have an ED
You go to any lengths to lose weight
At least I did
Laxatives (Don't work)
Enemas (Don't work)
Salt flushes (Don't work)
Diet pills (Don't work)
Fasting (Only leads to a binge)
Purging (Works only to a point)

And if there is one thing that I have learned over the years

Is that thin does not make me happy

I have been every size

From zero to twelve

And I can honestly say that I was equally miserable at all them

So at the moment

I am going by how my clothes fit

And they fit just fine

So let's go with that

Anyway

On to another matter

Outdoor Junkie mentioned me in her last post

And said I had helped her reach out and ask for help

She write about how after so long she is ready to accept help

I was so delighted to read this post for a couple of reasons

First I am so happy that she asked for help

That is the first and most vital step

I think us ED girls don't like to tell others about our struggles

We are ashamed

We feel guilty

We feel we are a burden if we ask for help 

In fact it's quite the opposite

It takes s lot of courage to ask for help

Those three words

Please help me

Are so difficult to say

But if we can find the strength to say them

The relief is immense

So well done OJ

I am so proud of you

Second

It warms my heart

And fills me with joy

To know that my blog is helping others

Sometimes I am writing

And I'm wondering if anyone is reading

Or if I am just shouting in to the abyss that is the internet

So to road that my words have gone some way to helping someone else

Whether it is to ask for help

Or that that person can relate and doesn't feel so alone

That blows my mind

As you know

My writing policy has always been to be open and honest

Brutally honest

I know a lot blogs out there paint a picture that recovery is plain sailing

That everything is rainbows and sunshine once you choose recovery

And maybe it is that way for some people

It's not for me 

My recovery had been tumultuous to say the least

So many ups and downs

Highs and lows

It's a rollercoaster

As my sponsor used to say to me

Hang on to your hat, it's going to be a bumpy ride

No more than life

Recovery is not a smooth run

Life is tough

It's hard going

It can be frustrating

Sad

Overwhelming

Boring

Infuriating

Fun

The whole gamut of emotions

Recovery is the same

My aim writing this blog

Has always been to help myself

To connect with others

And hopefully to help others through my experience with addiction and disordered eating 

So to know that is happening is truly wonderful

I know I say it a lot

But this community never ceases to amaze me

How we help and support each other

It's unique and so very special

I will continue to write

I will continue to fight against this cruel illness 

The illness that wants us dead

The illness that steals the best years of our lives

That wants to control our bodies and minds

That wants to isolate us from those that love us

The illness that tells us we are weak and pathetic and good for nothing

It is so important that we keep putting

One foot in front of the other and keep going

That we fight every day for a better life

It's so important that we don't lose our will to live

That we keep hoping

And believing that there is hope after our EDs

Because there is

I am just starting to see that

I am getting a glimpse of what my life could be

And that is so wonderful

So please 

Don't ever give up

Keep your head up

Don't listen to your ED that whispers in your ear

It's lies

It's all horse shit

As they say in AA

We alone can do it

But we can not do it alone

Snow

E I woke up this morning to see a white blanket of snow across our garden 

And all over  the mountains

It is quite beautiful

I love snow

But I was not thrilled to see it today

As I have to get in to the chemist to collect my methadone

I called my sister

Turned on the engine of my car to warm it up

We piled Honey and Lea in to the car

And set off

We had to drive at a snails pace

As the roads were covered

Eventually we got there

When I collected my meds

I asked the girl if it would be possible to collect tomorrow's dose today

As The weather is due to get worse

One of the girls rang my doctor

And he said that was fine

I was so relieved

Oh 

And I have an update on Honey also

Yesterday I spoke to my dad about it

He then spoke to a vet he knows in his home town

The vet said that it didn't sound good

But that he would have a look at it

And try to save it

But if the eye needs to be removed

He could do it

After thinking about it at great length

I decided that this sounds like a good idea

And we made an appointment for Honey for Thursday

But then the weather took a turn for the worst

And we had to postpone it until next week

It looks like her eye will probably need to be removed 

But I have been assured that she can live a happy life with one eye

And Honey is such a little fighter

I am hopeful that she will make a good recovery

Here are some photos from today.....

Medical Monday

As you know

I go to the doctor every Monday morning 

To get my methadone script

I am still on daily dispensing

And that is just fine with me

As it is really helping

I have no temptation

And I feel a lot more stable

Yesterday I got a very uncomfortable pain in my abdomen

It was there all day

And got worse after I purged

I went to bed early last night

Hoping it would be gone by this morning

But it wasn't

It was still as sore when I got up this morning

I told my doctor

He checked me over

And said I had probably strained my stomach while purging

He prescribed me some meds 

And I went on my way

After I collected my meds

We had to go to the vet

After Honeys last appointment at the vet on Friday

Her eye began to deteriorate

It was very red

Very glazed and glassy

And she developed a little black bubble on the upper part of her eyeball

Straight away the vet said it didn't look

But she couldn't actually say what it was

The vet did a test to see if she still had sight in her eye

And it turns out that she is blind in that eye

My heart sank when I heard this

I didn't want to hear any more

The vet said that we would continue with her meds until Friday

When we go back for a follow up appointment

And if there's no improvement

She will refer is to an eye specialist in Derry 

Which is about 3 hours away

The vet really gave us no answers

She made the point that a vet is like a doctor

They don't specialise in anything

And so she didn't want to say too much until we see how she gets on this week

I left the vet feeling so disheartened

Even though the vet said that dogs can live a perfectly happy life with one eye

I still feel sorry for Honey

We will do everything we can to keep Honey comfortable

She will be thoroughly spoiled and pampered

So I guess we just wait and see

And hope for the best

That's all we can do 

For now 

5 months

Today I am five months smoke free

I had my last cigarette on 11th August at 10 30am in my aunties garden in London

I had been building up

To it for a couple of weeks

My uncle had brought me home two cartons of cigarettes from Turkey

That's four hundred individual cigarettes

I decided that when I had them smoked

I would give up

I deliberately chose a time when I was away from home

As I figured it would be easier to quit away from my usual routine

The two cartons of smokes lasted me barely two weeks

That's almost thirty cigarettes a day

I smoked my head off

Now I wonder how I had the time to smoke that many a day

But you know what?

I thoroughly enjoyed every one

I was not one of those people who was a reluctant smoker

Oh no

I loved smoking

Loved the ritual of it

Taking a cigarette from the box tapping the head on the box

Lighting up a flame

And taking that first glorious drag

I loved the social aspect of sneaking outside with someone to share a smoke

The way you could strike up a conversation with a fellow smoker

 I loved it all

My favourite smoke of the day was first thing in the morning

Making a cup of hot sweet tea

Settling down at an open window

And for those 5 - 7 minutes

I was in heaven 

Lost in my own thoughts

I did my best thinking when I was smoking

All of this sounds very romantic and glamorous

But it's not

It's really not

Being a smoker is tough

More often than not you are a social pariah

Banished outside away from everyone else

I can remember when you could smoke in pubs

On trains

When no one would bat an eye lid if you lit up right in front of them

I remember the first time I was in hospital

You could smoke right outside the building

My care assistant would push me on my wheel chair down to the smoking shelter 

And we would simultaneously light up

Now you can't even smoke in the hospital grounds

How times have changed

Then there are the health issues 

Although I have to admit

This never really bothered me

Because for most of my career as a smoker I didn't care if I lived or died

And of course the big elephant in the room

I didn't want to stop smoking

Because I didn't want to gain weight

Not on your nelly

No

The one thing that got me was the financial cost

At ten euros a pop 

I was spending €100 a week on-my precious   cigarettes

I am on a disability allowance

A very fixed income

So that left me with little or no money to spare

And when my bulimia was raging

Food was another expense

And so my money rarely lasted the week

I was constantly broke

Always borrowing money

Always oweing money

It's not a nice feeling

I couldn't save any money

I had no spare money for incidentals

Needed help paying for my car expenses

This really got to me

As I really wanted to be financially independent

Or as much as I could be

So there was only one thing for it

The smokes had to go

So on that morning of the 11th August 2014

I settled down on the bench in my auntie b's garden

With a cup of tea

I had my book there

But I decided not to read

I wanted to enjoy and savour

Every last puff of that smoke

And I did

It was one of the most enjoyable smokes I ever had

But all too soon

It was over

And it was time to put it out 

I said my goodbyes

Stubbed it out

And walked in to the house

And in to my life as a non smoker

Giving up while I was away

Turned out to be a good idea

I didn't have a fixed routine

So there weren't specific times when I smoked

It wasn't easy though

I was so afraid of the dreaded weight gain

But I was gaining weight anyway

So I thought what the hell?

And I did gain weight

And probably over shot my set point

But thankfully my weight seems to have settled at a BMI of 20

Praise the Lord my weight has settled

So it's been five months

And it has been hard

But not as hard as I thought it would be

I still dream about smoking

I wake up panicking

Then I remember I haven't smoked

And relief floods through my body

I still love the smell of cigarettes

I love to get a whiff of second hand smoke

I was in my living room last week

And I got a smell of smoke

I followed the scent

And found my father smoking a cigar out the kitchen window

So I guess my sense of smell had improved

But I am glad

I'm happy to be a non smoker

Say it with me people

I

Am

A 

Non

Smoker

This is a little cigarette case I bought in London a few years ago

This is a cigarette purse I bought also
I wanted to be like Betty Draper from Madmen

Goodbye scales, hello life!

The weather improved a little here

So I decided to carry out operation get rid of scale

In the end

I decided to use a hammer

Two hammers in fact

I really liked the idea of running it over with my car

But didn't want to risk puncturing a tire

And also didn't want to pollute the water ways around me any more than I already have

So the hammers it was

Instead of me telling you all about it

Here are some photos.....

Preparing the scale for demolition

Not one but two hammers

Smash that scale!

Lea and Honey did not know what to make of it!

Put your back in to it girl!

One demolished scale!

So there are now no scales in my house

And I intend to keep it that way this time

Good bye scales, hello life!

Canines, Camino and caring for our community

Thank you all so much for your feedback on my last post
It never ceases to amaze me the support I get from you all
In April I will celebrate 3 years blogging
3 years of being part of this fantastic community
3 years of getting to know some of the loveliest people I have ever met
Starting this blog is one of the better decisions I have made in recent years
Writing here every day has saved my life over and over again
And I have found that I have a real love of writing
Documenting that last 3 years has been amazing
Sometimes I read back over my archive
And it's so great to have all the ups and downs of the last 3 years down on paper
I often read back on an event that has slipped my mind
Or things that I have just forgotten
It's so nice to be able to read a detailed account of my journey thus far

And of course you
I won't mention all your names
You know who you are
You are my dear friends
Confidants
Supporters
Fellow soldiers in the fight against our demons
I have never met you
And may never
I don't even know what a lot of your look like
Or your real names
But I don't have to
You all know more about me than a lot of my family
You have been an important and integral part of my story
A key part of my recovery
All of you have have been a piece in the puzzle that is my life
Thank you for that

Anyway
Back to the business of scale disposal
I have decided what to do with my scale
But unfortunately I won't get to do it today
As the weather here is brutal
I opened the blinds this morning
To see sheets of rain blowing horizontally
Myself and Lea went for a walk
And the wind was so strong I had to hold on to a fence at one point
So I think I will leave my plan until tomorrow
I won't tell you what I am planning to do
I will keep it as a surprise

In other news
I feel like I am on the road back to being myself
I am taking my meds properly
And that has made a huge difference
I feel compis mentis
I feel emotionally and physically stable
And in regards of my ED
Well I have stopped weighing
And that feels amazing
I am no longer an emotional yo yo
My mood and self esteem depending on a number
I feel hopeful and positive
Obviously things are not perfect
But I feel I am getting through it as best I can

I'm sure I mentioned it here before
But for a long time I have wanted to do the Camino
The the Camino is a walk/pilgrimage that is done in Spain
Today, tens of thousands^[18] of Christian pilgrims and many others set out each year from their front doorsteps or from popular starting points across Europe, to make their way to Santiago de Compostela. Most travel by foot, some by bicycle, and a few travel as some of their medieval counterparts did, on horseback or by donkey (for example, the British author and humourist Tim Moore). In addition to those undertaking a religious pilgrimage, many are hikers who walk the route for other reasons: travel, sport, or simply the challenge of weeks of walking in a foreign land. Also, many consider the experience a spiritual adventure to remove themselves from the bustle of modern life. It serves as a retreat for many modern "pilgrims".
(Wikipedia)

Ever since I first heard about it a few years ago
I have wanted to do it
Or at least do part of it
But up until now
I haven't been physically well enough to do it
But now I feel that I am 
So my Mother, my sister and I are planning to do it in September
Not all of it as it is 700km long
We are going to do about 120km
In the space of a week
I am so looking forward to this
It gives me a goal to work towards
And something to look forward to
I also need to save about 500 Euros for the trip
So I do need to discipline myself
I have bought a looked money box
Locked it and given the key to my sister
And my  aim is to save 25 Euros a week
Not easy for a shopoholic like me
But I will do my best
I find that if I have something on the horizon to look forward to 
I feel a lot better in myself
Sometimes time can stretch ahead of me
And it can be quite overwhelming  and daunting if there are no punctuation marks

I am also looking for things to keep me occupied
Something to focus on
A reason to get up in the morning
I think I am going to sign up for another yoga class
And am on the look out for another writing course
Starting a course scares me some
As I am notorious for starting things
And not finishing them
But I think if I find something I am interested in
I am more like to complete it

Honey update
After our visit to the vet yesterday
Honey's eye seemed to deteriorate
It's gone very cloudy again
And looks very sore and wet
So I think I will bring her back to vet Monday or Tuesday
I feel so sorry for my little Honey
She is so confused as to why she is wearing the buster collar
And this setback has really knocked the wind out of her sails
We are all spoiling her
And looking after her as best we can
Making sure she is as comfortable as possible
I am hoping and praying that she makes a good recovery

So that's it for today my friends
I hope you have a lovely weekend
See you on the next post........