Saturday, 17 January 2015

'These are a few of my favourite things..........'

EThis post is inspired by ThewriternamedA
Who did a very cool list about her favourite things of 2014
This is more a general list of my favourite things of this moment
So here goes.....

Favourite song:
Take me to church - Hozier
Sedated - Hozier
Actually anything by Hozier (And not just because he is Irish)

Favourite book:
The Dinner by Herman Koch
Such a page turner

Favourite Tv show:
Last year it was Breaking Bad
This year it is Orange is the new black
Couldn't choose between the two

Favourite film:
Mmmm this is a hard one
I loved Gone Girl
Wild
The fault in our stars
Too many to mention
But these are some of the best

Favourite drink:
Hot sweet tea
Always hot sweet tea
Some things never change
Anything can solved over a cup of tea

Favourite item of clothing:
It's a tie between my new blue Roxy hoody
And the blue jumper from Fat Face that I wore on Christmas day

Favourite animal:
Lea and Honey of course
Who else?

Favourite quote:
'I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am' - unknown
My eternal favourite quote

Favourite colour:
Purple - My bedroom has  a lot of purple
Navy - Is the colour that suits me best to wear

Favourite place:
Bundoran beach on a cold Winter morning
York (Holiday summer 2014)

Favourite food:
Since my sister came home from Australia
We have all been eating like queens
She is an amazing cook
I now know that up until 6 months ago
I didn't know what good food was
It's really hard to pick a favourite food
But if I had to
It would be Sicilian beef stew
Lip smackin' good

Favourite restaurant:
Maddens in my home town
Or Langs

Favourite gadget:
Definitely my iphone
I am a late comer to the wonder that is the iphone
But I got there eventually

Some other of my favourite things:
Internet shopping
When said shopping arrives at my door
Opening said shopping
You really can't beat the feeling of getting a package delivered to your door
Sometimes I don't open the package for some time as I want the feeling to last

Getting letters/cards in the post
I just love to get something hand written
And I love to send handwritten cards and letters too

Collecting my dogs from the kennels
There's nothing more friendly than  a wet dog

Being hungry
I love working up an appetite
And then sitting down to a home cooked meal
Everything tastes better when you are really hungry

I hate having showers
But I love the feeling of being squeaky clean
I also love getting in to bed when the linen has just been changed
Such a lovely feeling

When I was a smoker
I would have said the first smoke of the day
But I am now a non smoker
So I like to imagine....

Waking up from a bad dream
And realizing that it's not real

Getting emails/test messages
I'm such a nerd
But I love to hear the tinkle of my phone
To notify me that I have got a message

Laying my head on my pillow at night
Those few brief moments before o fall asleep
When I know I have gotten through another day
For those few minutes my head is clear
I feel calm
And feel like any thing is possible

What are some of your favourite things?

Friday, 16 January 2015

Appreciation and operations

Thanks so much for your feedback on my last post
I feel so out of touch with things in that area so your input was much appreciated
The general consensus seemed to be to proceed with caution
Which I most definitely will
I guess when I think about it
I get butterflies
But I don't know if they are because of him
Or because of the fact that I used to use with him
And Lilly to answer your question
I don't think he is using
As in using heroin
But I think he may be dabbling in other stuff
Which both terrifies me and thrills me

I've always been a person who thrives on danger
And this situation is dangerous
That's what makes it so fascinating
But I should know better
Any decisions  I make should be done so with a clear head
And with my best interests at heart

But at the moment
That situation will have to wait
I have bigger fish to fry
Honey is my priority
Her appointment has been made for Monday
So after the doctor
We will travel to my dads home town 
To the vets for 11 30am
He will examine her eye
And if it needs to be removed
He will do it there and then
Depending on how Honey is after the operation
She will either stay the night in the vets house
Or if she is doing well
She can go home to my dads house
And he will bring her home to me on Tuesday
Our whole family is keeping their fingers and toes crossed that everything will go as well as it can
I'm just glad that something is being done about it
So Honey can get back to being herself again


Thursday, 15 January 2015

The Boy

I've wanted to write this post for a while
But have avoided it as I know that some of my family read this blog
However
I am going to write it anyway
As I need to write about this
Here goes

I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time
A really long time
Partly because I was sick
And boys just weren't on my radar
Partly because I hated myself so much
And didn't trust anyone who showed me any kind of positive attention
Mostly because I was too busy trying to kill myself with various addictions
I didn't have the energy or the inclination to date

You may remember a post I did about a year ago called 'Blast from the past'
It was about a guy I had run in to here in my home town
I was walking my dogs on my road one day
And a jeep pulled up
Someone stuck their head out the window
And called my name
I didn't know who the heck it was at first
But as I got closer to the jeep
I saw it was indeed a blast from the past
It was my ex-boyfriends best friend
A guy that has been in and out of my life for years
As I spoke to him
He told me that he was living up here now
There was also a girl in the jeep with him
Who I presumed was his girlfriend
I can remember that day so clearly
My heart was thumping in my chest
As memories came flooding back
I actually became worried that he was so close by
I mean I came here to get away from all that shit
But I thought maybe he came up here for the same reason as I did
To start a new life
We exchanged phone numbers
And said we would meet up soon
But I wasn't sure if I wanted to

Since then
I have run in to this guy a couple of times
Then I went in to treatment
And we lost contact again
Then Christmas this year
He texted me to see if I wanted to meet up
I was nervous but we arranged to meet up this week for coffee
However
The universe intervened
And we were snowed in
He texted that morning to say that his jeep wouldn't start
So we said we would leave it for another day

He has been on my mind a lot
Back when we were using
There was four of us that hung out together
Me and my boyfriend
And this guy and his girlfriend
I always thought this guy was good looking
In a sort of earthy manly kind of way
He was always in trouble
And I guess that appealed to me to
But nothing ever happened between us
And I suppose I am wondering why he wants to meet
Is it genuinely for a coffee and a chat
Or is it something more that he wants
I am so out of practice with flirting and such
That I really can't tell what he wants
Heck
I don't even know what I want

But I think this
What I am going through
Is pretty normal for someone my age
I guess it is progress because it means I am healthy enough to consider such things
The ball is in my court now
He said to text him when I want to meet up
But that;s the thing
I don't know what I want
And I wish I knew what he wanted

This is where you all come in
I need some girl to girl advice
What do you think about my meeting this guy?
Do you think I am on dodgy territory?
Should I leave well enough alone?
Or should I pursue this?

HELP!!!
I NEED HELP!!

We are family

As you know
I smashed my scales to bits  the other day
My house is now scale free
And I intend to keep it that way
However
That does not quell my curiosity
I am dying to know what my weight is
Every time I go in to collect my meds
My attention is draw the huge scale in the corner of the shop
It's one of those fancy, new fangled ones
That measures your weight and body fat and blood pressure amongst other things
I used to use it all the time
I must have been quite a sight
Taking of as many layers as I could get away with in public
Studying the little slip of paper it shoots out
Like it was a winning Lottery ticket
I saved those pieces of paper
Kept them in my wallet
And took them out regularly to read them
To ease my mind that I wasn't overweight

And then I noticed the other day
That my chemist is stocking Weight Watchers scales
You know the ones
You can track your weight progress and that sort of thing




Not to mention all the weight loss aids that are being promoted now
I see all sorts of things as I walk around the shop
Slimming aids
Meal replacement shakes
Meal replacement soups
Protein bars
All kinds of pills and potions
It doesn't trigger me really
But it does fascinate me
I remember being in the chemist one day
And one of the shop assistants was explaining to a woman
How this particular product 'binds to the fat in your body'  so it is eliminated
I remember thinking how silly do you have to be to believe this stuff
Surely of any of these products worked
Then nobody would be over weight

When you have an ED
You go to any lengths to lose weight
At least I did
Laxatives (Don't work)
Enemas (Don't work)
Salt flushes (Don't work)
Diet pills (Don't work)
Fasting (Only leads to a binge)
Purging (Works only to a point)

And if there is one thing that I have learned over the years
Is that thin does not make me happy
I have been every size
From zero to twelve
And I can honestly say that I was equally miserable at all them
So at the moment
I am going by how my clothes fit
And they fit just fine
So let's go with that

Anyway
On to another matter
Outdoor Junkie mentioned me in her last post
And said I had helped her reach out and ask for help
She write about how after so long she is ready to accept help
I was so delighted to read this post for a couple of reasons
First I am so happy that she asked for help
That is the first and most vital step
I think us ED girls don't like to tell others about our struggles
We are ashamed
We feel guilty
We feel we are a burden if we ask for help 
In fact it's quite the opposite
It takes s lot of courage to ask for help
Those three words
Please help me
Are so difficult to say
But if we can find the strength to say them
The relief is immense
So well done OJ
I am so proud of you

Second
It warms my heart
And fills me with joy
To know that my blog is helping others
Sometimes I am writing
And I'm wondering if anyone is reading
Or if I am just shouting in to the abyss that is the internet
So to road that my words have gone some way to helping someone else
Whether it is to ask for help
Or that that person can relate and doesn't feel so alone
That blows my mind

As you know
My writing policy has always been to be open and honest
Brutally honest
I know a lot blogs out there paint a picture that recovery is plain sailing
That everything is rainbows and sunshine once you choose recovery
And maybe it is that way for some people
It's not for me 
My recovery had been tumultuous to say the least
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
It's a rollercoaster
As my sponsor used to say to me
Hang on to your hat, it's going to be a bumpy ride

No more than life
Recovery is not a smooth run
Life is tough
It's hard going
It can be frustrating
Sad
Overwhelming
Boring
Infuriating
Fun
The whole gamut of emotions
Recovery is the same

My aim writing this blog
Has always been to help myself
To connect with others
And hopefully to help others through my experience with addiction and disordered eating 
So to know that is happening is truly wonderful

I know I say it a lot
But this community never ceases to amaze me
How we help and support each other
It's unique and so very special
I will continue to write
I will continue to fight against this cruel illness 
The illness that wants us dead
The illness that steals the best years of our lives
That wants to control our bodies and minds
That wants to isolate us from those that love us
The illness that tells us we are weak and pathetic and good for nothing
It is so important that we keep putting
One foot in front of the other and keep going
That we fight every day for a better life
It's so important that we don't lose our will to live
That we keep hoping
And believing that there is hope after our EDs
Because there is
I am just starting to see that
I am getting a glimpse of what my life could be
And that is so wonderful
So please 
Don't ever give up
Keep your head up
Don't listen to your ED that whispers in your ear
It's lies
It's all horse shit

As they say in AA
We alone can do it
But we can not do it alone

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

Snow

I woke up this morning to see a white blanket of snow across our garden 
And all over  the mountains
It is quite beautiful
I love snow
But I was not thrilled to see it today
As I have to get in to the chemist to collect my methadone
I called my sister
Turned on the engine of my car to warm it up
We piled Honey and Lea in to the car
And set off
We had to drive at a snails pace
As the roads were covered
Eventually we got there
When I collected my meds
I asked the girl if it would be possible to collect tomorrow's dose today
As The weather is due to get worse
One of the girls rang my doctor
And he said that was fine
I was so relieved

Oh 
And I have an update on Honey also
Yesterday I spoke to my dad about it
He then spoke to a vet he knows in his home town
The vet said that it didn't sound good
But that he would have a look at it
And try to save it
But if the eye needs to be removed
He could do it

After thinking about it at great length
I decided that this sounds like a good idea
And we made an appointment for Honey for Thursday
But then the weather took a turn for the worst
And we had to postpone it until next week
It looks like her eye will probably need to be removed 
But I have been assured that she can live a happy life with one eye
And Honey is such a little fighter
I am hopeful that she will make a good recovery

Here are some photos from today.....














Monday, 12 January 2015

Medical Monday

As you know
I go to the doctor every Monday morning 
To get my methadone script
I am still on daily dispensing
And that is just fine with me
As it is really helping
I have no temptation
And I feel a lot more stable

Yesterday I got a very uncomfortable pain in my abdomen
It was there all day
And got worse after I purged
I went to bed early last night
Hoping it would be gone by this morning
But it wasn't
It was still as sore when I got up this morning
I told my doctor
He checked me over
And said I had probably strained my stomach while purging
He prescribed me some meds 
And I went on my way

After I collected my meds
We had to go to the vet
After Honeys last appointment at the vet on Friday
Her eye began to deteriorate
It was very red
Very glazed and glassy
And she developed a little black bubble on the upper part of her eyeball
Straight away the vet said it didn't look
But she couldn't actually say what it was
The vet did a test to see if she still had sight in her eye
And it turns out that she is blind in that eye
My heart sank when I heard this
I didn't want to hear any more

The vet said that we would continue with her meds until Friday
When we go back for a follow up appointment
And if there's no improvement
She will refer is to an eye specialist in Derry 
Which is about 3 hours away

The vet really gave us no answers
She made the point that a vet is like a doctor
They don't specialise in anything
And so she didn't want to say too much until we see how she gets on this week

I left the vet feeling so disheartened
Even though the vet said that dogs can live a perfectly happy life with one eye
I still feel sorry for Honey

We will do everything we can to keep Honey comfortable
She will be thoroughly spoiled and pampered
So I guess we just wait and see
And hope for the best
That's all we can do 
For now 



Sunday, 11 January 2015

5 months

Today I am five months smoke free
I had my last cigarette on 11th August at 10 30am in my aunties garden in London
I had been building up
To it for a couple of weeks
My uncle had brought me home two cartons of cigarettes from Turkey
That's four hundred individual cigarettes
I decided that when I had them smoked
I would give up
I deliberately chose a time when I was away from home
As I figured it would be easier to quit away from my usual routine

The two cartons of smokes lasted me barely two weeks
That's almost thirty cigarettes a day
I smoked my head off
Now I wonder how I had the time to smoke that many a day
But you know what?
I thoroughly enjoyed every one
I was not one of those people who was a reluctant smoker
Oh no
I loved smoking
Loved the ritual of it
Taking a cigarette from the box tapping the head on the box
Lighting up a flame
And taking that first glorious drag
I loved the social aspect of sneaking outside with someone to share a smoke
The way you could strike up a conversation with a fellow smoker
 I loved it all

My favourite smoke of the day was first thing in the morning
Making a cup of hot sweet tea
Settling down at an open window
And for those 5 - 7 minutes
I was in heaven 
Lost in my own thoughts
I did my best thinking when I was smoking

All of this sounds very romantic and glamorous
But it's not
It's really not
Being a smoker is tough
More often than not you are a social pariah
Banished outside away from everyone else
I can remember when you could smoke in pubs
On trains
When no one would bat an eye lid if you lit up right in front of them
I remember the first time I was in hospital
You could smoke right outside the building
My care assistant would push me on my wheel chair down to the smoking shelter 
And we would simultaneously light up
Now you can't even smoke in the hospital grounds
How times have changed

Then there are the health issues 
Although I have to admit
This never really bothered me
Because for most of my career as a smoker I didn't care if I lived or died
And of course the big elephant in the room
I didn't want to stop smoking
Because I didn't want to gain weight
Not on your nelly

No
The one thing that got me was the financial cost
At ten euros a pop 
I was spending €100 a week on-my precious   cigarettes
I am on a disability allowance
A very fixed income
So that left me with little or no money to spare
And when my bulimia was raging
Food was another expense
And so my money rarely lasted the week
I was constantly broke
Always borrowing money
Always oweing money
It's not a nice feeling
I couldn't save any money
I had no spare money for incidentals
Needed help paying for my car expenses
This really got to me
As I really wanted to be financially independent
Or as much as I could be
So there was only one thing for it
The smokes had to go

So on that morning of the 11th August 2014
I settled down on the bench in my auntie b's garden
With a cup of tea
I had my book there
But I decided not to read
I wanted to enjoy and savour
Every last puff of that smoke
And I did
It was one of the most enjoyable smokes I ever had
But all too soon
It was over
And it was time to put it out 
I said my goodbyes
Stubbed it out
And walked in to the house
And in to my life as a non smoker

Giving up while I was away
Turned out to be a good idea
I didn't have a fixed routine
So there weren't specific times when I smoked
It wasn't easy though
I was so afraid of the dreaded weight gain
But I was gaining weight anyway
So I thought what the hell?
And I did gain weight
And probably over shot my set point
But thankfully my weight seems to have settled at a BMI of 20
Praise the Lord my weight has settled

So it's been five months
And it has been hard
But not as hard as I thought it would be
I still dream about smoking
I wake up panicking
Then I remember I haven't smoked
And relief floods through my body

I still love the smell of cigarettes
I love to get a whiff of second hand smoke
I was in my living room last week
And I got a smell of smoke
I followed the scent
And found my father smoking a cigar out the kitchen window
So I guess my sense of smell had improved

But I am glad
I'm happy to be a non smoker
Say it with me people
I
Am
Non
Smoker

This is a little cigarette case I bought in London a few years ago


This is a cigarette purse I bought also
I wanted to be like Betty Draper from Madmen