D Day

It's Monday morning

I've been to the doctor

We're just having a quick cuppa

Before we leave for the vet

It's an hour and a half drive

So I've brought honeys food and water bowl

She is completely oblivious as what is happening

But I am praying for a good outcome

Here is me this morning 

Giving her a pep talk .....

Archive

I spent about an hour and a half last night reading my blog archive

It was truly fascinating

Every little detail from the last three years of my life documented

It really was like reading about someone else's life

A lot of things I had forgotten

Thank you pesky short term memory loss

Some things I had blocked from my memory

Some things I didn't even want to be reminded of 

But what a journey I have been on

I forget a lot of the time how much has happened

What I have been through

What I have survived

It's crazy

I went back to March 2013

Because I wanted to read about the time when I had pancreatitis

That time is very hazy

And to read all about it

As if I was a third person was chilling

It was after that hospitalisation that I began to lose weight rapidly

A lot of the posts around that time are about appointments with Mary

I don't really think about her right now because it's easier not to

But she really was an amazingly positive influence in my life

To read about her

The stories she told me

The way she told me endlessly that I could get well 

And live a full and happy life

She was so sure

So sure that I could recover

Why did I ever doubt her?

Sometimes I think about my life

And how little I have to show for my 33 years on this earth

If I think about it too much

It can really get me down

People always tell me 

That I have overcome so much

I've battled drug addiction

Alcoholism

Anorexia and bulimia

But I have had to fight those demons to get to the point where most people start off

I am now at the point in my life

Or least I am getting to the point in my life

Where most people are before they can walk

A 'normal' healthy functioning human being

I feel like I am so far behind

I don't know if I will ever catch up 

Or if I even want to

I have far too much time on my hands

And my mind is going to 'dark and twisty' places 

Too dark and twisty for my liking

I think about drugs

And how I miss them

I think about The boy

And how much trouble we could get in together

I think about death

And how I equally fear it and welcome it

I really wish my mind had an off switch 

As all this thinking is making me crave oblivion

Edit: This post was brought to you by a girl whose head, for a brief period today, was up her ass

Don't worry

I haven't 

And will not do any of said 'dark and twisty' things

Normal service will resume tomorrow

When said head is out of said ass

And yes

I am loving using the word 'said' at the moment

Said word is awesome.....

Clothes Post #12

As you ready know

I am a hoody, jeans and trainers type of girl

And prefer the surfer look

Even though I have never surfed a day in my life

Well today I treated myself to a pair of cream Roxy trainers

They were in the sale

So I thought why  bloody not
Too good an opportunity to miss out on
Forget about the fact that I am an impulsive compulsive shopper who can not help herself
I had to sneak said trainers in to my house
As I am supposed to be saving for our Camino trip in September
#Never gonna happen

I also bought this blue hoody

Which already featured in my 'smash the scale' post

Here they are.....

'These are a few of my favourite things..........'

EThis post is inspired by ThewriternamedA
Who did a very cool list about her favourite things of 2014
This is more a general list of my favourite things of this moment
So here goes.....

Favourite song:
Take me to church - Hozier
Sedated - Hozier
Actually anything by Hozier (And not just because he is Irish)

Favourite book:
The Dinner by Herman Koch
Such a page turner

Favourite Tv show:
Last year it was Breaking Bad
This year it is Orange is the new black
Couldn't choose between the two

Favourite film:
Mmmm this is a hard one
I loved Gone Girl
Wild
The fault in our stars
Too many to mention
But these are some of the best

Favourite drink:
Hot sweet tea
Always hot sweet tea
Some things never change

Anything can solved over a cup of tea

Favourite item of clothing:
It's a tie between my new blue Roxy hoody
And the blue jumper from Fat Face that I wore on Christmas day

Favourite animal:
Lea and Honey of course
Who else?

Favourite quote:
'I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am' - unknown
My eternal favourite quote

Favourite colour:
Purple - My bedroom has  a lot of purple
Navy - Is the colour that suits me best to wear

Favourite place:
Bundoran beach on a cold Winter morning
York (Holiday summer 2014)

Favourite food:
Since my sister came home from Australia
We have all been eating like queens
She is an amazing cook
I now know that up until 6 months ago
I didn't know what good food was
It's really hard to pick a favourite food
But if I had to
It would be Sicilian beef stew
Lip smackin' good

Favourite restaurant:
Maddens in my home town
Or Langs

Favourite gadget:
Definitely my iphone
I am a late comer to the wonder that is the iphone
But I got there eventually

Some other of my favourite things:
Internet shopping
When said shopping arrives at my door
Opening said shopping
You really can't beat the feeling of getting a package delivered to your door
Sometimes I don't open the package for some time as I want the feeling to last

Getting letters/cards in the post
I just love to get something hand written
And I love to send handwritten cards and letters too

Collecting my dogs from the kennels
There's nothing more friendly than  a wet dog

Being hungry
I love working up an appetite
And then sitting down to a home cooked meal
Everything tastes better when you are really hungry

I hate having showers
But I love the feeling of being squeaky clean
I also love getting in to bed when the linen has just been changed
Such a lovely feeling

When I was a smoker
I would have said the first smoke of the day
But I am now a non smoker
So I like to imagine....

Waking up from a bad dream
And realizing that it's not real

Getting emails/test messages
I'm such a nerd
But I love to hear the tinkle of my phone
To notify me that I have got a message

Laying my head on my pillow at night

Those few brief moments before o fall asleep

When I know I have gotten through another day

For those few minutes my head is clear

I feel calm

And feel like any thing is possible

What are some of your favourite things?

Appreciation and operations

Thanks so much for your feedback on my last post

I feel so out of touch with things in that area so your input was much appreciated

The general consensus seemed to be to proceed with caution

Which I most definitely will

I guess when I think about it

I get butterflies

But I don't know if they are because of him

Or because of the fact that I used to use with him

And Lilly to answer your question

I don't think he is using

As in using heroin

But I think he may be dabbling in other stuff

Which both terrifies me and thrills me

I've always been a person who thrives on danger

And this situation is dangerous

That's what makes it so fascinating

But I should know better

Any decisions  I make should be done so with a clear head

And with my best interests at heart

But at the moment

That situation will have to wait

I have bigger fish to fry

Honey is my priority

Her appointment has been made for Monday

So after the doctor

We will travel to my dads home town 

To the vets for 11 30am

He will examine her eye

And if it needs to be removed

He will do it there and then

Depending on how Honey is after the operation

She will either stay the night in the vets house

Or if she is doing well

She can go home to my dads house

And he will bring her home to me on Tuesday

Our whole family is keeping their fingers and toes crossed that everything will go as well as it can

I'm just glad that something is being done about it

So Honey can get back to being herself again

The Boy

I've wanted to write this post for a while
But have avoided it as I know that some of my family read this blog
However
I am going to write it anyway
As I need to write about this
Here goes

I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time
A really long time
Partly because I was sick
And boys just weren't on my radar
Partly because I hated myself so much
And didn't trust anyone who showed me any kind of positive attention
Mostly because I was too busy trying to kill myself with various addictions
I didn't have the energy or the inclination to date

You may remember a post I did about a year ago called 'Blast from the past'
It was about a guy I had run in to here in my home town
I was walking my dogs on my road one day
And a jeep pulled up
Someone stuck their head out the window
And called my name
I didn't know who the heck it was at first
But as I got closer to the jeep
I saw it was indeed a blast from the past
It was my ex-boyfriends best friend
A guy that has been in and out of my life for years
As I spoke to him
He told me that he was living up here now
There was also a girl in the jeep with him
Who I presumed was his girlfriend
I can remember that day so clearly
My heart was thumping in my chest
As memories came flooding back
I actually became worried that he was so close by
I mean I came here to get away from all that shit
But I thought maybe he came up here for the same reason as I did
To start a new life
We exchanged phone numbers
And said we would meet up soon
But I wasn't sure if I wanted to

Since then
I have run in to this guy a couple of times
Then I went in to treatment
And we lost contact again
Then Christmas this year
He texted me to see if I wanted to meet up
I was nervous but we arranged to meet up this week for coffee
However
The universe intervened
And we were snowed in
He texted that morning to say that his jeep wouldn't start
So we said we would leave it for another day

He has been on my mind a lot
Back when we were using
There was four of us that hung out together
Me and my boyfriend
And this guy and his girlfriend
I always thought this guy was good looking
In a sort of earthy manly kind of way
He was always in trouble
And I guess that appealed to me to
But nothing ever happened between us
And I suppose I am wondering why he wants to meet
Is it genuinely for a coffee and a chat
Or is it something more that he wants
I am so out of practice with flirting and such
That I really can't tell what he wants
Heck
I don't even know what I want

But I think this
What I am going through
Is pretty normal for someone my age
I guess it is progress because it means I am healthy enough to consider such things
The ball is in my court now
He said to text him when I want to meet up
But that;s the thing
I don't know what I want
And I wish I knew what he wanted

This is where you all come in
I need some girl to girl advice
What do you think about my meeting this guy?
Do you think I am on dodgy territory?
Should I leave well enough alone?
Or should I pursue this?

HELP!!!
I NEED HELP!!

We are family

As you know
I smashed my scales to bits  the other day
My house is now scale free
And I intend to keep it that way
However
That does not quell my curiosity
I am dying to know what my weight is
Every time I go in to collect my meds
My attention is draw the huge scale in the corner of the shop
It's one of those fancy, new fangled ones
That measures your weight and body fat and blood pressure amongst other things
I used to use it all the time
I must have been quite a sight
Taking of as many layers as I could get away with in public
Studying the little slip of paper it shoots out
Like it was a winning Lottery ticket
I saved those pieces of paper
Kept them in my wallet
And took them out regularly to read them
To ease my mind that I wasn't overweight

And then I noticed the other day
That my chemist is stocking Weight Watchers scales
You know the ones
You can track your weight progress and that sort of thing




Not to mention all the weight loss aids that are being promoted now
I see all sorts of things as I walk around the shop
Slimming aids
Meal replacement shakes
Meal replacement soups
Protein bars
All kinds of pills and potions
It doesn't trigger me really
But it does fascinate me
I remember being in the chemist one day
And one of the shop assistants was explaining to a woman
How this particular product 'binds to the fat in your body'  so it is eliminated
I remember thinking how silly do you have to be to believe this stuff
Surely of any of these products worked
Then nobody would be over weight

When you have an ED
You go to any lengths to lose weight
At least I did
Laxatives (Don't work)
Enemas (Don't work)
Salt flushes (Don't work)
Diet pills (Don't work)
Fasting (Only leads to a binge)
Purging (Works only to a point)

And if there is one thing that I have learned over the years

Is that thin does not make me happy

I have been every size

From zero to twelve

And I can honestly say that I was equally miserable at all them

So at the moment

I am going by how my clothes fit

And they fit just fine

So let's go with that

Anyway

On to another matter

Outdoor Junkie mentioned me in her last post

And said I had helped her reach out and ask for help

She write about how after so long she is ready to accept help

I was so delighted to read this post for a couple of reasons

First I am so happy that she asked for help

That is the first and most vital step

I think us ED girls don't like to tell others about our struggles

We are ashamed

We feel guilty

We feel we are a burden if we ask for help 

In fact it's quite the opposite

It takes s lot of courage to ask for help

Those three words

Please help me

Are so difficult to say

But if we can find the strength to say them

The relief is immense

So well done OJ

I am so proud of you

Second

It warms my heart

And fills me with joy

To know that my blog is helping others

Sometimes I am writing

And I'm wondering if anyone is reading

Or if I am just shouting in to the abyss that is the internet

So to road that my words have gone some way to helping someone else

Whether it is to ask for help

Or that that person can relate and doesn't feel so alone

That blows my mind

As you know

My writing policy has always been to be open and honest

Brutally honest

I know a lot blogs out there paint a picture that recovery is plain sailing

That everything is rainbows and sunshine once you choose recovery

And maybe it is that way for some people

It's not for me 

My recovery had been tumultuous to say the least

So many ups and downs

Highs and lows

It's a rollercoaster

As my sponsor used to say to me

Hang on to your hat, it's going to be a bumpy ride

No more than life

Recovery is not a smooth run

Life is tough

It's hard going

It can be frustrating

Sad

Overwhelming

Boring

Infuriating

Fun

The whole gamut of emotions

Recovery is the same

My aim writing this blog

Has always been to help myself

To connect with others

And hopefully to help others through my experience with addiction and disordered eating 

So to know that is happening is truly wonderful

I know I say it a lot

But this community never ceases to amaze me

How we help and support each other

It's unique and so very special

I will continue to write

I will continue to fight against this cruel illness 

The illness that wants us dead

The illness that steals the best years of our lives

That wants to control our bodies and minds

That wants to isolate us from those that love us

The illness that tells us we are weak and pathetic and good for nothing

It is so important that we keep putting

One foot in front of the other and keep going

That we fight every day for a better life

It's so important that we don't lose our will to live

That we keep hoping

And believing that there is hope after our EDs

Because there is

I am just starting to see that

I am getting a glimpse of what my life could be

And that is so wonderful

So please 

Don't ever give up

Keep your head up

Don't listen to your ED that whispers in your ear

It's lies

It's all horse shit

As they say in AA

We alone can do it

But we can not do it alone