The scales

As you know
I smashed my scales last week
So my house is now a scale free zone
And what what a revelation that is
Over Christmas
I was weighing every day
At least once a day
And carefully recorded the number in my notebook
It's addictive
That feeling of standing on the scale
And seeing how much you're  worth
Is so addictive
But it is a game of numerical roulette
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
I was literally measuring my worth in pounds and ounces
That number dictated my mood for the day
My self esteem
And my self worth
All dictated by those little red numbers

I didn't miss my scale at first
But a few days in
And I was dying to know
I even thought about buying  new scale
But I decided not too
No good can come of it

I am going by clothes

And they fit me just fine

So I'm ok with that

My body image is a bit all over the place at the moment

Sometimes I look in the mirror 

And I want to cry

Sometimes I think I look ok

Sometimes I think I look something approaching good

It changes from day to day

Minute to minute

And is subject to change at the drop of a hat

But you know what?

Not weighing myself every day is something of s revelation

When I threw my first scales in to the lake

I knew there was another one in the house 

So I knew I could still find out my weight if I wanted to

But this time

Well now my house is scale free

I have to tell you

It is so liberating

Apart from the odd time when I get an urge to weigh

I feel positively free

Like a heavy weight has been lifted off my  shoulders

Literally

The scale was my best friend

And my worst enemy

Depending on the number I was

I'd get up in the morning

Go to the bathroom

Then strip

And stand tentatively on the scale

Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number

Before I stood on the scale

I would have a number in my head

A safe number

Anything under that number would be gone

But anything more

And the shit would really hit the fan

So now I have no earthly clue what my weight is

And I don't think I want to know

All I know is that I feel ok in my skin

Not fantastic

But not unbearable either

I can tolerate myself 

Most of the time 

My clothes fit fine

And are even a bit loose

So I feel safe in the knowledge that my weight is settling down

And is becoming stable

Thank you Jesus

My weight is stabilising 

I feel like I am getting back to myself

After a rocky Christmas

Getting my meds daily has really helped

As I have no opportunity to misuse them

I feel clear headed

Capable and strong

And generally in better form

Now I just need to stay on track

Head down

Bum up 

And keep on going 

Home sweet Home

Honey is home

My dad brought her here a couple of hours ago

She is still quite sedated

And got straight in to her bed

After having a little something to eat

Her eye doesn't look as bad as I thought it would

But 

It's obvious that it is tender

And she is in a bit of discomfort

My father told me that the vet didn't want to say it in front of me

But she was in a lot of pain the last couple of weeks

So I am so relieved that she is on the road to recovery

The vet also told us that Honey is in great health

And will be around for the next 5-7 years

I was so glad to hear this

I guess what Honey needs now is lashings of TLC

My dad told me that Honey slept in his bed last night

And Honey woke him up this morning licking his face

So Honey is home

Back where she belongs

We look after her

And spoil her

And just make sure she is ok

I am so proud of her

As she just takes things in her stride

And gets on with life

She could teach me a thing or too

Here is the Honey Bunny......

Honey's operation

My sister and Honey and I travelled to my dads home town yesterday morning

Where we had an appointment with the vet at 11 30am

The roads were quite slippy 

So we really had to take our time driving

Honey slept soundly in the back seat the whole way

We arrived at my dads

Changed cars

And made our way to the vets

After speaking to the girl at reception

The vet called us in to the surgery

He was lovely to Honey

And petted her and spoke to her for a few minutes before examining her

Honey didn't even growl or anything

After Honey was feeling comfortable

The vet checked her little eye

He winced as he looked at it

Then took out a little torch

And checked it as I held her eye open

He said the eye was rupturing

And the only option was to remove it

As she was in pain

He was so very sure that the eye was dead

And she had no sight

The vet then checked her weight and heart

To make sure she was fit for surgery

He said that if Honey weighed any more

Surgery wouldn't have been possible

Honey is over weight

And that is something that I really need to address when she gets well

We left Honey in the vets capable hands

Hoping she would be ok

We would ring in the afternoon to check on her

And my dad would pick her up that evening 

My sister and I wanted to get home early

As the weather wasn't great

So we had a quick bite to eat

And set off for home

My dad rang the vets before we left

The operation went well

There were no complications

And she could be picked up in a few hours

I was so glad it went well

I couldn't wait to see her 

That evening my dad rang me to let me know that Honey was home in his house

She was very sedated

And was sleeping peacefully

She got up once

And was very confused

So my dad brought her bed in beside the fire where she went back to sleep

I rang this morning to check on her 

And she is still sleeping

All being well

My dad will bring her here today

I am so looking forward to seeing her

I have been so worried

Here are a couple of photos from yesterday

D Day

It's Monday morning

I've been to the doctor

We're just having a quick cuppa

Before we leave for the vet

It's an hour and a half drive

So I've brought honeys food and water bowl

She is completely oblivious as what is happening

But I am praying for a good outcome

Here is me this morning 

Giving her a pep talk .....

Archive

I spent about an hour and a half last night reading my blog archive

It was truly fascinating

Every little detail from the last three years of my life documented

It really was like reading about someone else's life

A lot of things I had forgotten

Thank you pesky short term memory loss

Some things I had blocked from my memory

Some things I didn't even want to be reminded of 

But what a journey I have been on

I forget a lot of the time how much has happened

What I have been through

What I have survived

It's crazy

I went back to March 2013

Because I wanted to read about the time when I had pancreatitis

That time is very hazy

And to read all about it

As if I was a third person was chilling

It was after that hospitalisation that I began to lose weight rapidly

A lot of the posts around that time are about appointments with Mary

I don't really think about her right now because it's easier not to

But she really was an amazingly positive influence in my life

To read about her

The stories she told me

The way she told me endlessly that I could get well 

And live a full and happy life

She was so sure

So sure that I could recover

Why did I ever doubt her?

Sometimes I think about my life

And how little I have to show for my 33 years on this earth

If I think about it too much

It can really get me down

People always tell me 

That I have overcome so much

I've battled drug addiction

Alcoholism

Anorexia and bulimia

But I have had to fight those demons to get to the point where most people start off

I am now at the point in my life

Or least I am getting to the point in my life

Where most people are before they can walk

A 'normal' healthy functioning human being

I feel like I am so far behind

I don't know if I will ever catch up 

Or if I even want to

I have far too much time on my hands

And my mind is going to 'dark and twisty' places 

Too dark and twisty for my liking

I think about drugs

And how I miss them

I think about The boy

And how much trouble we could get in together

I think about death

And how I equally fear it and welcome it

I really wish my mind had an off switch 

As all this thinking is making me crave oblivion

Edit: This post was brought to you by a girl whose head, for a brief period today, was up her ass

Don't worry

I haven't 

And will not do any of said 'dark and twisty' things

Normal service will resume tomorrow

When said head is out of said ass

And yes

I am loving using the word 'said' at the moment

Said word is awesome.....

Clothes Post #12

As you ready know

I am a hoody, jeans and trainers type of girl

And prefer the surfer look

Even though I have never surfed a day in my life

Well today I treated myself to a pair of cream Roxy trainers

They were in the sale

So I thought why  bloody not
Too good an opportunity to miss out on
Forget about the fact that I am an impulsive compulsive shopper who can not help herself
I had to sneak said trainers in to my house
As I am supposed to be saving for our Camino trip in September
#Never gonna happen

I also bought this blue hoody

Which already featured in my 'smash the scale' post

Here they are.....

'These are a few of my favourite things..........'

EThis post is inspired by ThewriternamedA
Who did a very cool list about her favourite things of 2014
This is more a general list of my favourite things of this moment
So here goes.....

Favourite song:
Take me to church - Hozier
Sedated - Hozier
Actually anything by Hozier (And not just because he is Irish)

Favourite book:
The Dinner by Herman Koch
Such a page turner

Favourite Tv show:
Last year it was Breaking Bad
This year it is Orange is the new black
Couldn't choose between the two

Favourite film:
Mmmm this is a hard one
I loved Gone Girl
Wild
The fault in our stars
Too many to mention
But these are some of the best

Favourite drink:
Hot sweet tea
Always hot sweet tea
Some things never change

Anything can solved over a cup of tea

Favourite item of clothing:
It's a tie between my new blue Roxy hoody
And the blue jumper from Fat Face that I wore on Christmas day

Favourite animal:
Lea and Honey of course
Who else?

Favourite quote:
'I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am' - unknown
My eternal favourite quote

Favourite colour:
Purple - My bedroom has  a lot of purple
Navy - Is the colour that suits me best to wear

Favourite place:
Bundoran beach on a cold Winter morning
York (Holiday summer 2014)

Favourite food:
Since my sister came home from Australia
We have all been eating like queens
She is an amazing cook
I now know that up until 6 months ago
I didn't know what good food was
It's really hard to pick a favourite food
But if I had to
It would be Sicilian beef stew
Lip smackin' good

Favourite restaurant:
Maddens in my home town
Or Langs

Favourite gadget:
Definitely my iphone
I am a late comer to the wonder that is the iphone
But I got there eventually

Some other of my favourite things:
Internet shopping
When said shopping arrives at my door
Opening said shopping
You really can't beat the feeling of getting a package delivered to your door
Sometimes I don't open the package for some time as I want the feeling to last

Getting letters/cards in the post
I just love to get something hand written
And I love to send handwritten cards and letters too

Collecting my dogs from the kennels
There's nothing more friendly than  a wet dog

Being hungry
I love working up an appetite
And then sitting down to a home cooked meal
Everything tastes better when you are really hungry

I hate having showers
But I love the feeling of being squeaky clean
I also love getting in to bed when the linen has just been changed
Such a lovely feeling

When I was a smoker
I would have said the first smoke of the day
But I am now a non smoker
So I like to imagine....

Waking up from a bad dream
And realizing that it's not real

Getting emails/test messages
I'm such a nerd
But I love to hear the tinkle of my phone
To notify me that I have got a message

Laying my head on my pillow at night

Those few brief moments before o fall asleep

When I know I have gotten through another day

For those few minutes my head is clear

I feel calm

And feel like any thing is possible

What are some of your favourite things?