I spent about an hour and a half last night reading my blog archive
It was truly fascinating
Every little detail from the last three years of my life documented
It really was like reading about someone else's life
A lot of things I had forgotten
Thank you pesky short term memory loss
Some things I had blocked from my memory
Some things I didn't even want to be reminded of
But what a journey I have been on
I forget a lot of the time how much has happened
What I have been through
What I have survived
It's crazy
I went back to March 2013
Because I wanted to read about the time when I had pancreatitis
That time is very hazy
And to read all about it
As if I was a third person was chilling
It was after that hospitalisation that I began to lose weight rapidly
A lot of the posts around that time are about appointments with Mary
I don't really think about her right now because it's easier not to
But she really was an amazingly positive influence in my life
To read about her
The stories she told me
The way she told me endlessly that I could get well
And live a full and happy life
She was so sure
So sure that I could recover
Why did I ever doubt her?
Sometimes I think about my life
And how little I have to show for my 33 years on this earth
If I think about it too much
It can really get me down
People always tell me
That I have overcome so much
I've battled drug addiction
Alcoholism
Anorexia and bulimia
But I have had to fight those demons to get to the point where most people start off
I am now at the point in my life
Or least I am getting to the point in my life
Where most people are before they can walk
A 'normal' healthy functioning human being
I feel like I am so far behind
I don't know if I will ever catch up
Or if I even want to
I have far too much time on my hands
And my mind is going to 'dark and twisty' places
Too dark and twisty for my liking
I think about drugs
And how I miss them
I think about The boy
And how much trouble we could get in together
I think about death
And how I equally fear it and welcome it
I really wish my mind had an off switch
As all this thinking is making me crave oblivion
Edit: This post was brought to you by a girl whose head, for a brief period today, was up her ass
Don't worry
I haven't
And will not do any of said 'dark and twisty' things
Normal service will resume tomorrow
When said head is out of said ass
And yes
I am loving using the word 'said' at the moment
Said word is awesome.....