The Boy: First meeting

Ok

So you know that I've been in contact with The Boy

The boy being my ex boyfriends best friend

We've been texting back and forth over the last few weeks

Talking about meeting up

But it never seemed to happen

So Wednesday I decided to take the bull by the horns

And suggested we meet up yesterday

In a local coffee shop

I was both thrilled and terrified when he replied

And the date was set for 3pm

Thankfully

I met a friend in the morning

And was able to ground myself

I really didn't want my feelings to cloud my judgement

And as you know I am impulsive and compulsive 

And can't always trust myself

So talking with my friend was great

I do not exaggerate when I say I was high on nerves all day

I still hadn't told any of my family that I was meeting The Boy

But when I told my sister I was going out to meet someone

She straight away knew I was up to something

So I told her where I was going

She also gave me a pep talk

And offered to ring me mid date 

If I needed an escape

I declined her offer

As the only reason I would have needed an escape is if he was out of his head

Or blatantly using

And  I was pretty sure he wasn't

Although I wasn't positive

Then I had to figure out what to wear

I wanted to look casual but pretty

Effortless but put together

So I decided on my blue Fat Face jumper

My wine coloured Brakeburn trousers 

My new Roxy high tops

And my Superdry snood

I also straightened my hair

And ruffled it so it looked tousled and shaggy

I decided against make up

Because I have no idea how to apply make up properly

And I didn't want to look too done up

So I applied a little foundation

Just enough to give me youthful glow

We were meeting at three

So I decided to leave early

As I wanted to be the first one to get there

I settled on a comfy couch

Ordered a cup of tea

And tried to look relaxed and confident

A few minutes later

And I get a text from the boy saying he is running a few minutes late

Damn

All this waiting was making me even more nervous

I started to worry

About what we would talk about

What he would think of me

What if idid or said something really embarrassing

What if the second I saw him

I jumped his bones

This was a lot more likely to happen than you would think

Remember I haven't dated in a long long time

To get out of my head

I picked up a newspaper 

I was sitting by the door

Do every time the door opened 

I looked up to see if it was him

Eventually he arrived

And apologised for being late 

He sat down beside me on the couch

He looked different to what I remembered

When I knew him years ago

He had a shaven head

Tattoos all over

Clean shaven

Now he has long hair

And a beard no less 

I think I said before that he is attractive in a kind of earthy manly way

Lovely eyes

 And a smile that could break hearts 

We got straight to catching up

Talked about people we knew

Where they are now

Talked about the drug

And how fucked up we were back then

We laughed

Laughed a lot

Always a good sign in my book

He told me that he has a son

And he is single

What a coincidence

So am I

We chatted for a long time

Then he went out for a smoke

And I went to the bathroom

We settled back down again

And spoke for another while

It was nice

No awkward silences

He is easy to talk to

Easy to get on with

But then

He always was

After a couple of hours

I stretched

And said I better go

We finished our drinks

And went outside

Then came the awkward bit

We had said good bye

Yet we were still standing looking at each other

I was thinking to myself should I hug him?

Does he want to kiss me?

I really couldn't gauge the situation

And I felt so silly just standing there

So I made a move to go

And said goodbye again

Even though it was obvious he was holding out for something

Sorry dude

I don't kiss on the first date

Actually that's a lie

I have kissed plenty of boys on a first date

But there was one big difference

I was either drunk or stoned

Dealing with dating and the like stone cold sober is a whole different kettle of fish let me tell you

I need to pace myself 

I got home and had a chat with my sister

I told her that I think I just want us to be friends

But I'm really not sure

I guess I don't know what I want

I felt a bit bad that I hadn't at least hugged him when I left

So I decided to text him

To tell him that it was great to see him

And to text me when he wants to meet again

He texted back and said it was great to see me too

And that I 'looked great'

What does that mean?

What does that mean people?

Is he just being nice?

Or does he like me?

Man I am so rusty and out of practice

Even though this is all very nerve wracking and confusing

I must say

It is great fun

I had forgotten how nice it feels to like someone

To get butterflies

I think this is progress ladies

Even if nothing happens between me and him

At least I have had some fun

And made a new friend

Now

Next mission

Second date here I come.......

On the mend

Honey is getting a little better everyday

She is sleeping a lot

And generally taking it easy

We are spoiling her

And looking after her as best we can

Here she is today

She didn't want to get out of her new bed

So I got in with her

The scales

As you know
I smashed my scales last week
So my house is now a scale free zone
And what what a revelation that is
Over Christmas
I was weighing every day
At least once a day
And carefully recorded the number in my notebook
It's addictive
That feeling of standing on the scale
And seeing how much you're  worth
Is so addictive
But it is a game of numerical roulette
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
I was literally measuring my worth in pounds and ounces
That number dictated my mood for the day
My self esteem
And my self worth
All dictated by those little red numbers

I didn't miss my scale at first
But a few days in
And I was dying to know
I even thought about buying  new scale
But I decided not too
No good can come of it

I am going by clothes

And they fit me just fine

So I'm ok with that

My body image is a bit all over the place at the moment

Sometimes I look in the mirror 

And I want to cry

Sometimes I think I look ok

Sometimes I think I look something approaching good

It changes from day to day

Minute to minute

And is subject to change at the drop of a hat

But you know what?

Not weighing myself every day is something of s revelation

When I threw my first scales in to the lake

I knew there was another one in the house 

So I knew I could still find out my weight if I wanted to

But this time

Well now my house is scale free

I have to tell you

It is so liberating

Apart from the odd time when I get an urge to weigh

I feel positively free

Like a heavy weight has been lifted off my  shoulders

Literally

The scale was my best friend

And my worst enemy

Depending on the number I was

I'd get up in the morning

Go to the bathroom

Then strip

And stand tentatively on the scale

Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number

Before I stood on the scale

I would have a number in my head

A safe number

Anything under that number would be gone

But anything more

And the shit would really hit the fan

So now I have no earthly clue what my weight is

And I don't think I want to know

All I know is that I feel ok in my skin

Not fantastic

But not unbearable either

I can tolerate myself 

Most of the time 

My clothes fit fine

And are even a bit loose

So I feel safe in the knowledge that my weight is settling down

And is becoming stable

Thank you Jesus

My weight is stabilising 

I feel like I am getting back to myself

After a rocky Christmas

Getting my meds daily has really helped

As I have no opportunity to misuse them

I feel clear headed

Capable and strong

And generally in better form

Now I just need to stay on track

Head down

Bum up 

And keep on going 

Home sweet Home

Honey is home

My dad brought her here a couple of hours ago

She is still quite sedated

And got straight in to her bed

After having a little something to eat

Her eye doesn't look as bad as I thought it would

But 

It's obvious that it is tender

And she is in a bit of discomfort

My father told me that the vet didn't want to say it in front of me

But she was in a lot of pain the last couple of weeks

So I am so relieved that she is on the road to recovery

The vet also told us that Honey is in great health

And will be around for the next 5-7 years

I was so glad to hear this

I guess what Honey needs now is lashings of TLC

My dad told me that Honey slept in his bed last night

And Honey woke him up this morning licking his face

So Honey is home

Back where she belongs

We look after her

And spoil her

And just make sure she is ok

I am so proud of her

As she just takes things in her stride

And gets on with life

She could teach me a thing or too

Here is the Honey Bunny......

Honey's operation

My sister and Honey and I travelled to my dads home town yesterday morning

Where we had an appointment with the vet at 11 30am

The roads were quite slippy 

So we really had to take our time driving

Honey slept soundly in the back seat the whole way

We arrived at my dads

Changed cars

And made our way to the vets

After speaking to the girl at reception

The vet called us in to the surgery

He was lovely to Honey

And petted her and spoke to her for a few minutes before examining her

Honey didn't even growl or anything

After Honey was feeling comfortable

The vet checked her little eye

He winced as he looked at it

Then took out a little torch

And checked it as I held her eye open

He said the eye was rupturing

And the only option was to remove it

As she was in pain

He was so very sure that the eye was dead

And she had no sight

The vet then checked her weight and heart

To make sure she was fit for surgery

He said that if Honey weighed any more

Surgery wouldn't have been possible

Honey is over weight

And that is something that I really need to address when she gets well

We left Honey in the vets capable hands

Hoping she would be ok

We would ring in the afternoon to check on her

And my dad would pick her up that evening 

My sister and I wanted to get home early

As the weather wasn't great

So we had a quick bite to eat

And set off for home

My dad rang the vets before we left

The operation went well

There were no complications

And she could be picked up in a few hours

I was so glad it went well

I couldn't wait to see her 

That evening my dad rang me to let me know that Honey was home in his house

She was very sedated

And was sleeping peacefully

She got up once

And was very confused

So my dad brought her bed in beside the fire where she went back to sleep

I rang this morning to check on her 

And she is still sleeping

All being well

My dad will bring her here today

I am so looking forward to seeing her

I have been so worried

Here are a couple of photos from yesterday

D Day

It's Monday morning

I've been to the doctor

We're just having a quick cuppa

Before we leave for the vet

It's an hour and a half drive

So I've brought honeys food and water bowl

She is completely oblivious as what is happening

But I am praying for a good outcome

Here is me this morning 

Giving her a pep talk .....

Archive

I spent about an hour and a half last night reading my blog archive

It was truly fascinating

Every little detail from the last three years of my life documented

It really was like reading about someone else's life

A lot of things I had forgotten

Thank you pesky short term memory loss

Some things I had blocked from my memory

Some things I didn't even want to be reminded of 

But what a journey I have been on

I forget a lot of the time how much has happened

What I have been through

What I have survived

It's crazy

I went back to March 2013

Because I wanted to read about the time when I had pancreatitis

That time is very hazy

And to read all about it

As if I was a third person was chilling

It was after that hospitalisation that I began to lose weight rapidly

A lot of the posts around that time are about appointments with Mary

I don't really think about her right now because it's easier not to

But she really was an amazingly positive influence in my life

To read about her

The stories she told me

The way she told me endlessly that I could get well 

And live a full and happy life

She was so sure

So sure that I could recover

Why did I ever doubt her?

Sometimes I think about my life

And how little I have to show for my 33 years on this earth

If I think about it too much

It can really get me down

People always tell me 

That I have overcome so much

I've battled drug addiction

Alcoholism

Anorexia and bulimia

But I have had to fight those demons to get to the point where most people start off

I am now at the point in my life

Or least I am getting to the point in my life

Where most people are before they can walk

A 'normal' healthy functioning human being

I feel like I am so far behind

I don't know if I will ever catch up 

Or if I even want to

I have far too much time on my hands

And my mind is going to 'dark and twisty' places 

Too dark and twisty for my liking

I think about drugs

And how I miss them

I think about The boy

And how much trouble we could get in together

I think about death

And how I equally fear it and welcome it

I really wish my mind had an off switch 

As all this thinking is making me crave oblivion

Edit: This post was brought to you by a girl whose head, for a brief period today, was up her ass

Don't worry

I haven't 

And will not do any of said 'dark and twisty' things

Normal service will resume tomorrow

When said head is out of said ass

And yes

I am loving using the word 'said' at the moment

Said word is awesome.....