Heart or Head?

Doctor day today

Dr M had a medical student observing today

So he was a lot more professional than usual

I played along

Like the good little recovering anorectic that I am

I asked him about my meds

And if I could go in to the pharmacy less frequently

He said that as things were going well

He would leave it as daily dispensed for another week

I guess that is best

If it ain't broke right?

He asked me if I'd had my counselling appointment yet

I told him my first one was tomorrow

Which it is

So that is progress me thinks

I'm in good form at the moment

My mood is stable

I'm having very little cravings

My weight is ok

I'm seeing friends 

And even seeing a boy

More of which later

But I still have a lot of work to do

The purging persists

Sometimes I can trick myself in to thinking that it's ok to purge 2 -4 times a day

Because at least I am not purging 10- 20 times a day

Yes it's an improvement

But to all intents and purposes

I am still very much bulimic

I still binge and purge

I still use food in an unhealthy way

Hopefully seeing a counsellor will be able to help me with that

Now

About the boy

We were texting yesterday

I asked him if he wanted to call out here today

As I thought I'd have the house to myself

But now it looks like I won't

So I need to tell him that

And maybe arrange to do something else

I am very confused about this situation

I really don't know if I like him or not

I mean

He is a lovely guy

I think he is attractive

But I don't know if I like him more than just as a friend

I was talking with my sister and her friend

They were asking me if I get butterflies when I think of him

I do

And I think about him a lot

He's always on my mind

I love to see that he has texted

And I generally feel warm and fuzzy inside when I think about seeing him

But 

Matters of the heart are never straight forward

There are other factors at play

He is my ex boyfriends best friend

Does that make it weird?

I'm really not sure

Also I'm not sure if I like him

Or like the idea of him

Or maybe because we used to use together 

He represents danger and intrigue 

And anyway

He might not like me at all

I my boy radar could be way off

As I have said before

I am so rusty and out of practice

I really can't tell one way or the other

I haven't had a boyfriend in years

And I've never had a boyfriend while clean and sober

This is unchartered territory

And it is scary

Confusing

Mind boggling

And baffling

Why can't men and women be more forth coming and straight forward with each other?

Why can't we be open and honest

Lay all our cards on the table

Then everyone would know what was happening

It would completely eliminate the guess work

The trying to read the other persons mind

The reading of texts

And trying to read between the lines

And figure out what the other person really means

Take yesterday

The Boy took ages to reply to my text

What is that all about?

Why can't people text straight away

That would have saved me hours of agony

And because he took ages to reply

I decided to wait a while before replying

Isn't that playing mind games?

Is it being strategic

I hate these games

No good can come if it 

So I need your help dear friends

How do I know if I really have feelings for him?

How do I know I'd  he has feelings for me?

Is there a test or something I can take?

I'm kidding

But you know what I mean

Part of me thinks we should just stay friends

As anything else can turn sour and ruin a friendship

But the truth is that I would love to meet someone

And I think I am now getting to a place where that is possible

Up until now

A relationship just hadn't been on my radar

I was too sick to contemplate it

But now

Well now that I am a lot more stable

I feel ready to share my life with someone

I'm just not sure if this person is the right person

The good news is that this is a lot of fun

It's a feel good thing

I feel like I am really starting to live life

And that is an amazing feeling

I just need a little girl to girl advice

So any input is greatly appreciated

What do info ladies?

How do I know if I really like him?

And if he really likes me?

My gut feeling tells me that this is a bad idea

So do I go with my heart?

Or my head?

I think I already know the answer 

But I would love to know what you think

The Bed War

As you know

Honey had her eye operation last Monday

And as she stayed with my Dad for a couple of days

He went out and bought her a brand new bed

Now Honey gets very attached to her beds

She spends most of her life in bed

Sometimes she moved her bed around

Putting it in the best vantage point

Her bed is currently in the utility room

Tucked in under the work top 

She loves it there

She can see everything 

The kitchen

Lea

The garden

Oh yes

Her bed is in a prime location

So when Honey was well enough to travel

My Dad brought her and her new bed up here

She now had two beds 

And we placed the new one in the kitchen beside the radiator

Honey pretty much ignored the new bed at first

Didn't even look at it

But over the course of the week

It became more and more appealing to her

First she went over and sniffed it

Then she might stand on it for a minute

And now she is using as her 'Day bed'

As in she uses it to lounge in during the day

And keeps her other bed for night time

So it was very funny today when I walked in to the kitchen 

And saw that Lea was in 

Honeys day bed

Honey was outside at the time

And so had no idea that Lea had laid claim to the new bed

I immediately got my phone out to take a shot of her

Here are Lea and  Honey and said beds

Great Baba?

I had had some very strange comments on my post about The Boy
Comments directing me to spell casters
To get what ever I want
Here are some of the comments

From Elizabeth Rosas Bella
After being in relationship with emma for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drinegbedionspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL
ADDRESS IS:drinegbedionspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM

From Anonymous

First of all, these are just my opinions, accept or disregard them as you
see fit. Magic is a complex subject and its practitioners are a diverse
lot. I offer the following tips as a sort of "community service" because
i'd hate to think of all the vulnerable and needy folks out there who may
get hosed by an unethical magic worker.
i will like you to contact DOCTOREDEHSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM
When you are down and out - heartbroken, poor, lonely - it is easy to be
taken advantage of - this is true in all regards, but with magic in
particular. Magic has a veil of secrecy; it seems exotic and unattainable
by the uninitiated - and in some instances it is. Many folks who seek to
have magic done on their behalf know little about the subject - they just
have a willing and open mind without knowing a lot, and therefore they are
easy prey for civilians out there, unethical fakes who have flashy ads with
mysterious and real-sounding credentials who take your money and do no
magic on behalf of their paying clients. To me this is criminal, a
monumental betrayal of sacred trust.

Any way, as a confession right off the bat and to avoid any appearance of
impropriety, i myself do magic for people and sometimes offer my services
on eBay and Facebook Google and what have you.This being the case, i have
no ulterior motives in writing this guide, nor do i wish to advertise my
own work. There are a whole host of good, ethical magic practitioners out
there, and you will be Spirit-led to the one who is a best fit for you.
Not all workers are one-spell-fits-all, they all have their own gifts and
specialties, and they all take different clients. In any event, i keep my
workload down to it maximum

1.he cure HIV
2.Retrieve all lost money
3.help you to get in touch all fraudsters who ate your money
4.bring your ex lover back
5.help you to enchant your lover
6.power for ministration
7.fame and power
8.can also be a teacher if you wish to be a spell practitioner

i will like you to contact DOCTOREDEHSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM

From Paul Annie
Great Baba is a trust worthy spell caster and he will be of great help to you. I never believed in spell casting but After 5 years of marriage my husband left me because I lost my womb, and i was unable to give birth to children. I felt like my life has come to an end, and i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time, but thanks to this spell caster called Great Baba whom i met online after my friend James Tricia told me how he also helped her to bring back her husband in less than 2 days. I believed her and decided to give Great Baba a try and i contacted him on his email Highersolutiontemple@yahoo.com and explained my problems to him. He laughed and told me that In less than 2 days, my Husband will come back for me again, and that he will restore my womb and i will give birth to children. At first i thought it was a lie but i took courage and believed as Great Baba has said and it did happen just as this Great spell caster said, My husband called me and was crying, apologizing for forgiveness. I forgave him and today i am so glad that all worries and problems has gone away, and we are even happier than before, another good news is that i am pregnant now, and very soon we are expecting our baby. Great Baba is really a gifted and a powerful spiritual man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. I advice you all If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems just Contact Great Baba on his email on Highersolutiontemple@yahoo.com at anytime and just visit GREATBABAOFSOLUTION.blogspot.com and see so many people testifying about his good and wonderful work. Just contact him and he will help you solve all your problems. Once again thank you Great Baba Thank you, thank you.


Very strange me thinks
Have any of you had any comments like this?

Addiction

I went  out for dinner last night
With my sister and her friend
We decided to go to a local pub
As it has great food
We arrived there around 7pm
Believe it or not
That is late for me to be out
Usually I am in my pyjamas by the time it gets dark
The food was lovely
I had beef and Guinness casserole
It was delicious
But I couldn't finish it
As time passed
More and more people came in to the pub
It was a Friday night
So people were relaxing after a hard weeks work
And letting their hair down

Two girls came in at one point
I heard them saying that one of the girls was 18 that day
And everyone was wishing her Happy Birthday
And buying her drinks
As I watched all the different groups of people
Chatting
Laughing
Having the 'craic' as we say in this country
I began to feel a little uncomfortable
I couldn't identify the feeling at first
Somewhere between resentment and longing
Resentful that I couldn't have a drink
And longing to be able to be part of that world
As you know
I don't drink
I had to stop
As when I drank
I drank far too much
And got in to so much trouble
I could never have just one drink
And marvelled at people who could have just one
And leave it at that
When I started drinking
I couldn't stop
Not for love nor money

Every now and then
I get really annoyed that I can't drink like a normal person
I see my brother have a pint
Or someone having a glass of wine with dinner
A civilized drink
I miss being able to have a drink
But then I never drank for the taste
I drank to get drunk
To get trashed
Out of my head
I drank to help my confidence
To talk to people
To be sociable
I drank for all the wrong reasons

So I was sitting in the pub last night
And I now know that what I was feeling was jealous
Jealous of that girl
Who had just become an adult
And had her whole life ahead of her
Jealous of the people who could have a drink
And leave it at that
Jealous of the fun I was missing out on
The laughter
The banter
The fun
I miss that

I keep having to remind myself
That I am not like everyone else
I am not like those people who can have a social drink
I am an addict
One is too many
And a thousand never enough
I remember the first time I went to treatment
I was told that I could never drink again
If I wanted to be clean and sober
I couldn't drink at all
I couldn't get my head around this
And didn't really believe that I had to stop drinking
When I left treatment I did drink
And of course that lead me back to drugs
It was only years later that I finally realized that my drinking was out of control
And I had to stop
If I wanted to lead any semblance of a normal life

When I start feeling nostalgic about using or drinking
When I start to think it's a good idea
When I am craving
When I want out of my own head
I don't have to look very far
To remind myself of the damage that addiction does
I don;t have to look further than my next door neighbours

I don't think I have written about them before
As I don't tend to talk about other people here on my blog
I won't go in to too ,much detail
But I will just give you a general idea of what their life is like
They are an elderly couple
In their 70's
And they are both alcoholics
The lead an incredibly limited and sad life
They are not in touch with their families
They never have any visitors
Their life is a very lonely one
There  has been trouble in that house over the years
When they're drunk
They fight
And I have been over their numerous times trying to keep the peace
The cops have also been called on occasion

A couple of years ago
The woman drank so much that she got a 'wet brain'
A wet brain happens when you drink so much
That you become a vegetable
She was in hospital for months
Didn't know her own name
And didn't know us when we went in to visit her
Thankfully she made a remarkable recovery
Although I am not sure if she drinks now

Last Monday night
We saw an ambulance leave their house
My Mum rang to see what had happened
The man had been taken to hospital
After an alleged stroke
We called in the next day
The woman told us that her husband had been sick since Friday
He speech was slurred
But the woman thought it was from drink
So she didn't become worried until the Monday
When he deteriorated a lot
She rang the doctor Monday lunch time
And even though she said it was an emergency
The doctor didn't arrive until late evening
When he immediately called the ambulance

I have been calling over every day
To do some jobs for her
Let her dog out
Collect her shopping
And pay her bills
Her husband is in a very bad state in hospital
And it is likely that he won't pull through
Even though he is at deaths door
He still managed to get alcohol in to the hospital
I asked the woman today of drink contributed to his condition
She said it definitely had
And that if she had rang  the ambulance sooner
He might not have deteriorated so much

This situation with my neighbours breaks my heart
And is a stark reminder of the damage and destruction that addiction does
Yes I am not like everyone else
I can't drink
Because if I do
I could  end up like these people
Alone
Sick
Isolated
Completely f**ked up
Not drinking is a small price to pay
For my sanity
My peace of mind
My families peace of mind
And my heath
In my opinion
Alcohol is the worst drug there is
Especially in this country
We are a nation of drinkers
And the damage is untold
So many families torn apart by drink
So I will thank my lucky stars that I have got out of y addiction relatively unscathed
I look at my neighbours
And I think
There but for the grace of God go I
I am out of that game
I managed to get off that merry-go-round
I am one of the lucky ones

The Boy: First meeting

Ok

So you know that I've been in contact with The Boy

The boy being my ex boyfriends best friend

We've been texting back and forth over the last few weeks

Talking about meeting up

But it never seemed to happen

So Wednesday I decided to take the bull by the horns

And suggested we meet up yesterday

In a local coffee shop

I was both thrilled and terrified when he replied

And the date was set for 3pm

Thankfully

I met a friend in the morning

And was able to ground myself

I really didn't want my feelings to cloud my judgement

And as you know I am impulsive and compulsive 

And can't always trust myself

So talking with my friend was great

I do not exaggerate when I say I was high on nerves all day

I still hadn't told any of my family that I was meeting The Boy

But when I told my sister I was going out to meet someone

She straight away knew I was up to something

So I told her where I was going

She also gave me a pep talk

And offered to ring me mid date 

If I needed an escape

I declined her offer

As the only reason I would have needed an escape is if he was out of his head

Or blatantly using

And  I was pretty sure he wasn't

Although I wasn't positive

Then I had to figure out what to wear

I wanted to look casual but pretty

Effortless but put together

So I decided on my blue Fat Face jumper

My wine coloured Brakeburn trousers 

My new Roxy high tops

And my Superdry snood

I also straightened my hair

And ruffled it so it looked tousled and shaggy

I decided against make up

Because I have no idea how to apply make up properly

And I didn't want to look too done up

So I applied a little foundation

Just enough to give me youthful glow

We were meeting at three

So I decided to leave early

As I wanted to be the first one to get there

I settled on a comfy couch

Ordered a cup of tea

And tried to look relaxed and confident

A few minutes later

And I get a text from the boy saying he is running a few minutes late

Damn

All this waiting was making me even more nervous

I started to worry

About what we would talk about

What he would think of me

What if idid or said something really embarrassing

What if the second I saw him

I jumped his bones

This was a lot more likely to happen than you would think

Remember I haven't dated in a long long time

To get out of my head

I picked up a newspaper 

I was sitting by the door

Do every time the door opened 

I looked up to see if it was him

Eventually he arrived

And apologised for being late 

He sat down beside me on the couch

He looked different to what I remembered

When I knew him years ago

He had a shaven head

Tattoos all over

Clean shaven

Now he has long hair

And a beard no less 

I think I said before that he is attractive in a kind of earthy manly way

Lovely eyes

 And a smile that could break hearts 

We got straight to catching up

Talked about people we knew

Where they are now

Talked about the drug

And how fucked up we were back then

We laughed

Laughed a lot

Always a good sign in my book

He told me that he has a son

And he is single

What a coincidence

So am I

We chatted for a long time

Then he went out for a smoke

And I went to the bathroom

We settled back down again

And spoke for another while

It was nice

No awkward silences

He is easy to talk to

Easy to get on with

But then

He always was

After a couple of hours

I stretched

And said I better go

We finished our drinks

And went outside

Then came the awkward bit

We had said good bye

Yet we were still standing looking at each other

I was thinking to myself should I hug him?

Does he want to kiss me?

I really couldn't gauge the situation

And I felt so silly just standing there

So I made a move to go

And said goodbye again

Even though it was obvious he was holding out for something

Sorry dude

I don't kiss on the first date

Actually that's a lie

I have kissed plenty of boys on a first date

But there was one big difference

I was either drunk or stoned

Dealing with dating and the like stone cold sober is a whole different kettle of fish let me tell you

I need to pace myself 

I got home and had a chat with my sister

I told her that I think I just want us to be friends

But I'm really not sure

I guess I don't know what I want

I felt a bit bad that I hadn't at least hugged him when I left

So I decided to text him

To tell him that it was great to see him

And to text me when he wants to meet again

He texted back and said it was great to see me too

And that I 'looked great'

What does that mean?

What does that mean people?

Is he just being nice?

Or does he like me?

Man I am so rusty and out of practice

Even though this is all very nerve wracking and confusing

I must say

It is great fun

I had forgotten how nice it feels to like someone

To get butterflies

I think this is progress ladies

Even if nothing happens between me and him

At least I have had some fun

And made a new friend

Now

Next mission

Second date here I come.......

On the mend

Honey is getting a little better everyday

She is sleeping a lot

And generally taking it easy

We are spoiling her

And looking after her as best we can

Here she is today

She didn't want to get out of her new bed

So I got in with her

The scales

As you know
I smashed my scales last week
So my house is now a scale free zone
And what what a revelation that is
Over Christmas
I was weighing every day
At least once a day
And carefully recorded the number in my notebook
It's addictive
That feeling of standing on the scale
And seeing how much you're  worth
Is so addictive
But it is a game of numerical roulette
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
I was literally measuring my worth in pounds and ounces
That number dictated my mood for the day
My self esteem
And my self worth
All dictated by those little red numbers

I didn't miss my scale at first
But a few days in
And I was dying to know
I even thought about buying  new scale
But I decided not too
No good can come of it

I am going by clothes

And they fit me just fine

So I'm ok with that

My body image is a bit all over the place at the moment

Sometimes I look in the mirror 

And I want to cry

Sometimes I think I look ok

Sometimes I think I look something approaching good

It changes from day to day

Minute to minute

And is subject to change at the drop of a hat

But you know what?

Not weighing myself every day is something of s revelation

When I threw my first scales in to the lake

I knew there was another one in the house 

So I knew I could still find out my weight if I wanted to

But this time

Well now my house is scale free

I have to tell you

It is so liberating

Apart from the odd time when I get an urge to weigh

I feel positively free

Like a heavy weight has been lifted off my  shoulders

Literally

The scale was my best friend

And my worst enemy

Depending on the number I was

I'd get up in the morning

Go to the bathroom

Then strip

And stand tentatively on the scale

Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number

Before I stood on the scale

I would have a number in my head

A safe number

Anything under that number would be gone

But anything more

And the shit would really hit the fan

So now I have no earthly clue what my weight is

And I don't think I want to know

All I know is that I feel ok in my skin

Not fantastic

But not unbearable either

I can tolerate myself 

Most of the time 

My clothes fit fine

And are even a bit loose

So I feel safe in the knowledge that my weight is settling down

And is becoming stable

Thank you Jesus

My weight is stabilising 

I feel like I am getting back to myself

After a rocky Christmas

Getting my meds daily has really helped

As I have no opportunity to misuse them

I feel clear headed

Capable and strong

And generally in better form

Now I just need to stay on track

Head down

Bum up 

And keep on going