Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Confused.com

I remember a few months ago
Saying to one of my friends 
That I wished I had some boy drama in my life
And I meant it
Well now I do have some boy drama in my life
And as fun and exciting as it all is
I am thoroughly confused
The last few days have gone something like this
Sunday
I texted the boy
And invited him to call out the next day
As I thought I would have the house to myself
But it turned out that I didn't
So that idea was scratched 

Monday
We arranged to meet on Tuesday
After my counselling appointment
But then he texted that he had to work
So I headed home
And told him he could call out when he was done
Then he texted that he had a flat tyre
And could I go out to him
He the sent directions to his house
But I was feeling sleepy with my meds 
And didn't feel comfortable driving that far
So I was the last one to text
And to him to text me when he could meet up
That was last night
And I haven't heard from him since

I have to say
This is wrecking my head
The constant texting back and forth
The not knowing if he likes me
Or what he really wants
I was so tempted to send him a text asking him straight out if he likes me or what
I'm not sure if this is game playing
I hate game playing
I much rather someone would be honest with me
It saves so much time and energy

And the funny thing is
That I'm not even sure that I like this guy
And yet
I want him to like me
The rational part of me knows it's not a good idea to get involved with this guy
I know it could all end in tears
Every fibre of my being is telling me to stay away from him
Yet I feel strangely drawn to him
Why is that?
Is it because I want what I can't have?
Is it because he is a so called 'bad boy'?
Is it because he is the first guy that has featured in my life since I've started to recover?
I really don't know

As I have said before 
I am so rusty and out of practice as regards dating and matters of heart 
I feel like I teenager again
Trying to figure out if the boy likes me
Trying to figure out if I like him
Or if I like the idea of him
Reading his texts
Trying to read between the lines
Ay ay ay 

So ladies
My lovely ladies
I know some of you are in relationships
Some of you are married
And some of you are single like me 
I need your help
What do I do?
What should my next move be?
Do I text him again?
Or wait for him to get in touch with me?
My feeling is that I should wait for him to make the next move
But I could ge wrong

Damn this is so confusing 
I am so baffled people 
HELP!!!!!!

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Counselling

I had my first counselling appointment this morning
And it couldn't have come soon enough
I used to see this lady a few years ago
And always found her good
One of the better therapists I have seen over the years
It took me a while to find the place
I had to fight through anxiety in order to drive my car
Even though I have been driving for years
I am not very confident
But then I am not very confident in general 
So I guess it spills over in to every area of my life
Anyway
I found it eventually 
I knocked on the door
And I was buzzed in

The counsellor showed me in to a room
There was a clock ticking
And the obligatory box of tissues on the table
I settled in to my seat
And we began by talking about where we had left off
I stopped seeing her because I was going in to hospital
So I gave her the gist about what has been happening in my life since then

I explained how I have begun to recover
How my mood and anxiety have improved
And how I have regained weight to a healthy standard
She asked me what I would like to work on
So I told her about my lack of confidence and self esteem
And how I have very little belief in myself
How my bulimia persists 
And how I want to move on with my life
She asked me where I would like to move too
I told I wouldn't to be more sociable
Get my purging under control
And get back in to real life
As in doing a course
Or getting a job
She asked me if that's what I want
I said I feel I should do these things
And I do feel that
It's not necessarily what I want
But I feel it is expected of me

The counsellor said that I have come so far
She said I had a lot of determination 
That I can do anything I set my mind to
At one point she said I was 'some woman'
I guess I don't give myself credit for all that had happened
I tend to focus on what I haven't done
Rather than what I have done
She listed out the thins o have done
Beaten drug addiction
Alcoholism
I have up smoking
I maintain a healthy weight
Worked on myself
And the way I feel about myself
It hasn't been easy

The counsellor gave me some methods to manage my anxiety
Breathing
Awareness
Mindfulness
Skills to help me stop the negative thoughts that float around inside my head
And I need that
Practical ways to deal with these things
I'm glad I went today

I'm supposed to be meeting 'The Boy' today
My butterflies are very busy
I was supposed to go to his house
But now I think he is coming here
I guess when I spend some time with him
It will become clear whether I like him or not
At least I hope it will

Oh and I have some good news
I heard that Mary is back in her job as eating disorder specialist
That is amazing
I'm hoping it's true
I'm really hoping that it's true

I was with my friend the other day
And she commented that I look like I have lost weight
The ED part of me was delighted
And I got a little buzz
That feeling is addictive
I just want more and more of it
I asked my Mum and sister if I had lost
And they confirmed it
It's hard not to get sucked back in to that world
But I won't 
I won't let that happen
I have too much to lose now
So I am doing my level best to get back on track
I know that my weight is still settling down
And I have lost weight
But I am still in the healthy weight range
I am ok with it with my weight
I don't hate it
I don't love it
It is what it is
My BMI is at the lower tone of what is healthy
I think that is my set point

So all in all
Life is good at the moment
I have my health
And my mental health 
That is all I need
For now.......

Monday, 26 January 2015

Heart or Head?

Doctor day today
Dr M had a medical student observing today
So he was a lot more professional than usual
I played along
Like the good little recovering anorectic that I am
I asked him about my meds
And if I could go in to the pharmacy less frequently
He said that as things were going well
He would leave it as daily dispensed for another week
I guess that is best
If it ain't broke right?
He asked me if I'd had my counselling appointment yet
I told him my first one was tomorrow
Which it is
So that is progress me thinks

I'm in good form at the moment
My mood is stable
I'm having very little cravings
My weight is ok
I'm seeing friends 
And even seeing a boy
More of which later
But I still have a lot of work to do
The purging persists
Sometimes I can trick myself in to thinking that it's ok to purge 2 -4 times a day
Because at least I am not purging 10- 20 times a day
Yes it's an improvement
But to all intents and purposes
I am still very much bulimic
I still binge and purge
I still use food in an unhealthy way
Hopefully seeing a counsellor will be able to help me with that

Now
About the boy
We were texting yesterday
I asked him if he wanted to call out here today
As I thought I'd have the house to myself
But now it looks like I won't
So I need to tell him that
And maybe arrange to do something else
I am very confused about this situation
I really don't know if I like him or not
I mean
He is a lovely guy
I think he is attractive
But I don't know if I like him more than just as a friend
I was talking with my sister and her friend
They were asking me if I get butterflies when I think of him
I do
And I think about him a lot
He's always on my mind
I love to see that he has texted
And I generally feel warm and fuzzy inside when I think about seeing him
But 
Matters of the heart are never straight forward
There are other factors at play
He is my ex boyfriends best friend
Does that make it weird?
I'm really not sure
Also I'm not sure if I like him
Or like the idea of him
Or maybe because we used to use together 
He represents danger and intrigue 
And anyway
He might not like me at all
I my boy radar could be way off
As I have said before
I am so rusty and out of practice
I really can't tell one way or the other

I haven't had a boyfriend in years
And I've never had a boyfriend while clean and sober
This is unchartered territory
And it is scary
Confusing
Mind boggling
And baffling
Why can't men and women be more forth coming and straight forward with each other?
Why can't we be open and honest
Lay all our cards on the table
Then everyone would know what was happening
It would completely eliminate the guess work
The trying to read the other persons mind
The reading of texts
And trying to read between the lines
And figure out what the other person really means

Take yesterday
The Boy took ages to reply to my text
What is that all about?
Why can't people text straight away
That would have saved me hours of agony
And because he took ages to reply
I decided to wait a while before replying
Isn't that playing mind games?
Is it being strategic
I hate these games
No good can come if it 

So I need your help dear friends
How do I know if I really have feelings for him?
How do I know I'd  he has feelings for me?
Is there a test or something I can take?
I'm kidding
But you know what I mean
Part of me thinks we should just stay friends
As anything else can turn sour and ruin a friendship
But the truth is that I would love to meet someone
And I think I am now getting to a place where that is possible
Up until now
A relationship just hadn't been on my radar
I was too sick to contemplate it
But now
Well now that I am a lot more stable
I feel ready to share my life with someone
I'm just not sure if this person is the right person

The good news is that this is a lot of fun
It's a feel good thing
I feel like I am really starting to live life
And that is an amazing feeling
I just need a little girl to girl advice
So any input is greatly appreciated

What do info ladies?
How do I know if I really like him?
And if he really likes me?
My gut feeling tells me that this is a bad idea
So do I go with my heart?
Or my head?
I think I already know the answer 
But I would love to know what you think

Sunday, 25 January 2015

The Bed War

As you know
Honey had her eye operation last Monday
And as she stayed with my Dad for a couple of days
He went out and bought her a brand new bed
Now Honey gets very attached to her beds
She spends most of her life in bed
Sometimes she moved her bed around
Putting it in the best vantage point
Her bed is currently in the utility room
Tucked in under the work top 
She loves it there
She can see everything 
The kitchen
Lea
The garden
Oh yes
Her bed is in a prime location

So when Honey was well enough to travel
My Dad brought her and her new bed up here
She now had two beds 
And we placed the new one in the kitchen beside the radiator
Honey pretty much ignored the new bed at first
Didn't even look at it
But over the course of the week
It became more and more appealing to her
First she went over and sniffed it
Then she might stand on it for a minute
And now she is using as her 'Day bed'
As in she uses it to lounge in during the day
And keeps her other bed for night time

So it was very funny today when I walked in to the kitchen 
And saw that Lea was in 
Honeys day bed
Honey was outside at the time
And so had no idea that Lea had laid claim to the new bed
I immediately got my phone out to take a shot of her
Here are Lea and  Honey and said beds







Great Baba?

I had had some very strange comments on my post about The Boy
Comments directing me to spell casters
To get what ever I want
Here are some of the comments

From Elizabeth Rosas Bella
After being in relationship with emma for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drinegbedionspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL
ADDRESS IS:drinegbedionspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM

From Anonymous
First of all, these are just my opinions, accept or disregard them as you
see fit. Magic is a complex subject and its practitioners are a diverse
lot. I offer the following tips as a sort of "community service" because
i'd hate to think of all the vulnerable and needy folks out there who may
get hosed by an unethical magic worker.
i will like you to contact DOCTOREDEHSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM
When you are down and out - heartbroken, poor, lonely - it is easy to be
taken advantage of - this is true in all regards, but with magic in
particular. Magic has a veil of secrecy; it seems exotic and unattainable
by the uninitiated - and in some instances it is. Many folks who seek to
have magic done on their behalf know little about the subject - they just
have a willing and open mind without knowing a lot, and therefore they are
easy prey for civilians out there, unethical fakes who have flashy ads with
mysterious and real-sounding credentials who take your money and do no
magic on behalf of their paying clients. To me this is criminal, a
monumental betrayal of sacred trust.

Any way, as a confession right off the bat and to avoid any appearance of
impropriety, i myself do magic for people and sometimes offer my services
on eBay and Facebook Google and what have you.This being the case, i have
no ulterior motives in writing this guide, nor do i wish to advertise my
own work. There are a whole host of good, ethical magic practitioners out
there, and you will be Spirit-led to the one who is a best fit for you.
Not all workers are one-spell-fits-all, they all have their own gifts and
specialties, and they all take different clients. In any event, i keep my
workload down to it maximum

1.he cure HIV
2.Retrieve all lost money
3.help you to get in touch all fraudsters who ate your money
4.bring your ex lover back
5.help you to enchant your lover
6.power for ministration
7.fame and power
8.can also be a teacher if you wish to be a spell practitioner

i will like you to contact DOCTOREDEHSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM
From Paul Annie
Great Baba is a trust worthy spell caster and he will be of great help to you. I never believed in spell casting but After 5 years of marriage my husband left me because I lost my womb, and i was unable to give birth to children. I felt like my life has come to an end, and i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time, but thanks to this spell caster called Great Baba whom i met online after my friend James Tricia told me how he also helped her to bring back her husband in less than 2 days. I believed her and decided to give Great Baba a try and i contacted him on his email Highersolutiontemple@yahoo.com and explained my problems to him. He laughed and told me that In less than 2 days, my Husband will come back for me again, and that he will restore my womb and i will give birth to children. At first i thought it was a lie but i took courage and believed as Great Baba has said and it did happen just as this Great spell caster said, My husband called me and was crying, apologizing for forgiveness. I forgave him and today i am so glad that all worries and problems has gone away, and we are even happier than before, another good news is that i am pregnant now, and very soon we are expecting our baby. Great Baba is really a gifted and a powerful spiritual man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. I advice you all If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems just Contact Great Baba on his email on Highersolutiontemple@yahoo.com at anytime and just visit GREATBABAOFSOLUTION.blogspot.com and see so many people testifying about his good and wonderful work. Just contact him and he will help you solve all your problems. Once again thank you Great Baba Thank you, thank you.


Very strange me thinks
Have any of you had any comments like this?

Saturday, 24 January 2015

Addiction

I went  out for dinner last night
With my sister and her friend
We decided to go to a local pub
As it has great food
We arrived there around 7pm
Believe it or not
That is late for me to be out
Usually I am in my pyjamas by the time it gets dark
The food was lovely
I had beef and Guinness casserole
It was delicious
But I couldn't finish it
As time passed
More and more people came in to the pub
It was a Friday night
So people were relaxing after a hard weeks work
And letting their hair down

Two girls came in at one point
I heard them saying that one of the girls was 18 that day
And everyone was wishing her Happy Birthday
And buying her drinks
As I watched all the different groups of people
Chatting
Laughing
Having the 'craic' as we say in this country
I began to feel a little uncomfortable
I couldn't identify the feeling at first
Somewhere between resentment and longing
Resentful that I couldn't have a drink
And longing to be able to be part of that world
As you know
I don't drink
I had to stop
As when I drank
I drank far too much
And got in to so much trouble
I could never have just one drink
And marvelled at people who could have just one
And leave it at that
When I started drinking
I couldn't stop
Not for love nor money

Every now and then
I get really annoyed that I can't drink like a normal person
I see my brother have a pint
Or someone having a glass of wine with dinner
A civilized drink
I miss being able to have a drink
But then I never drank for the taste
I drank to get drunk
To get trashed
Out of my head
I drank to help my confidence
To talk to people
To be sociable
I drank for all the wrong reasons

So I was sitting in the pub last night
And I now know that what I was feeling was jealous
Jealous of that girl
Who had just become an adult
And had her whole life ahead of her
Jealous of the people who could have a drink
And leave it at that
Jealous of the fun I was missing out on
The laughter
The banter
The fun
I miss that

I keep having to remind myself
That I am not like everyone else
I am not like those people who can have a social drink
I am an addict
One is too many
And a thousand never enough
I remember the first time I went to treatment
I was told that I could never drink again
If I wanted to be clean and sober
I couldn't drink at all
I couldn't get my head around this
And didn't really believe that I had to stop drinking
When I left treatment I did drink
And of course that lead me back to drugs
It was only years later that I finally realized that my drinking was out of control
And I had to stop
If I wanted to lead any semblance of a normal life

When I start feeling nostalgic about using or drinking
When I start to think it's a good idea
When I am craving
When I want out of my own head
I don't have to look very far
To remind myself of the damage that addiction does
I don;t have to look further than my next door neighbours

I don't think I have written about them before
As I don't tend to talk about other people here on my blog
I won't go in to too ,much detail
But I will just give you a general idea of what their life is like
They are an elderly couple
In their 70's
And they are both alcoholics
The lead an incredibly limited and sad life
They are not in touch with their families
They never have any visitors
Their life is a very lonely one
There  has been trouble in that house over the years
When they're drunk
They fight
And I have been over their numerous times trying to keep the peace
The cops have also been called on occasion

A couple of years ago
The woman drank so much that she got a 'wet brain'
A wet brain happens when you drink so much
That you become a vegetable
She was in hospital for months
Didn't know her own name
And didn't know us when we went in to visit her
Thankfully she made a remarkable recovery
Although I am not sure if she drinks now

Last Monday night
We saw an ambulance leave their house
My Mum rang to see what had happened
The man had been taken to hospital
After an alleged stroke
We called in the next day
The woman told us that her husband had been sick since Friday
He speech was slurred
But the woman thought it was from drink
So she didn't become worried until the Monday
When he deteriorated a lot
She rang the doctor Monday lunch time
And even though she said it was an emergency
The doctor didn't arrive until late evening
When he immediately called the ambulance

I have been calling over every day
To do some jobs for her
Let her dog out
Collect her shopping
And pay her bills
Her husband is in a very bad state in hospital
And it is likely that he won't pull through
Even though he is at deaths door
He still managed to get alcohol in to the hospital
I asked the woman today of drink contributed to his condition
She said it definitely had
And that if she had rang  the ambulance sooner
He might not have deteriorated so much

This situation with my neighbours breaks my heart
And is a stark reminder of the damage and destruction that addiction does
Yes I am not like everyone else
I can't drink
Because if I do
I could  end up like these people
Alone
Sick
Isolated
Completely f**ked up
Not drinking is a small price to pay
For my sanity
My peace of mind
My families peace of mind
And my heath
In my opinion
Alcohol is the worst drug there is
Especially in this country
We are a nation of drinkers
And the damage is untold
So many families torn apart by drink
So I will thank my lucky stars that I have got out of y addiction relatively unscathed
I look at my neighbours
And I think
There but for the grace of God go I
I am out of that game
I managed to get off that merry-go-round
I am one of the lucky ones

Thursday, 22 January 2015

The Boy: First meeting

Ok
So you know that I've been in contact with The Boy
The boy being my ex boyfriends best friend
We've been texting back and forth over the last few weeks
Talking about meeting up
But it never seemed to happen
So Wednesday I decided to take the bull by the horns
And suggested we meet up yesterday
In a local coffee shop
I was both thrilled and terrified when he replied
And the date was set for 3pm

Thankfully
I met a friend in the morning
And was able to ground myself
I really didn't want my feelings to cloud my judgement
And as you know I am impulsive and compulsive 
And can't always trust myself
So talking with my friend was great

I do not exaggerate when I say I was high on nerves all day
I still hadn't told any of my family that I was meeting The Boy
But when I told my sister I was going out to meet someone
She straight away knew I was up to something
So I told her where I was going
She also gave me a pep talk
And offered to ring me mid date 
If I needed an escape
I declined her offer
As the only reason I would have needed an escape is if he was out of his head
Or blatantly using
And  I was pretty sure he wasn't
Although I wasn't positive

Then I had to figure out what to wear
I wanted to look casual but pretty
Effortless but put together
So I decided on my blue Fat Face jumper
My wine coloured Brakeburn trousers 
My new Roxy high tops
And my Superdry snood
I also straightened my hair
And ruffled it so it looked tousled and shaggy
I decided against make up
Because I have no idea how to apply make up properly
And I didn't want to look too done up
So I applied a little foundation
Just enough to give me youthful glow

We were meeting at three
So I decided to leave early
As I wanted to be the first one to get there
I settled on a comfy couch
Ordered a cup of tea
And tried to look relaxed and confident
A few minutes later
And I get a text from the boy saying he is running a few minutes late
Damn
All this waiting was making me even more nervous
I started to worry
About what we would talk about
What he would think of me
What if idid or said something really embarrassing
What if the second I saw him
I jumped his bones
This was a lot more likely to happen than you would think
Remember I haven't dated in a long long time

To get out of my head
I picked up a newspaper 
I was sitting by the door
Do every time the door opened 
I looked up to see if it was him
Eventually he arrived
And apologised for being late 
He sat down beside me on the couch
He looked different to what I remembered
When I knew him years ago
He had a shaven head
Tattoos all over
Clean shaven
Now he has long hair
And a beard no less 
I think I said before that he is attractive in a kind of earthy manly way
Lovely eyes
 And a smile that could break hearts 

We got straight to catching up
Talked about people we knew
Where they are now
Talked about the drug
And how fucked up we were back then
We laughed
Laughed a lot
Always a good sign in my book
He told me that he has a son
And he is single
What a coincidence
So am I

We chatted for a long time
Then he went out for a smoke
And I went to the bathroom
We settled back down again
And spoke for another while
It was nice
No awkward silences
He is easy to talk to
Easy to get on with
But then
He always was

After a couple of hours
I stretched
And said I better go
We finished our drinks
And went outside
Then came the awkward bit
We had said good bye
Yet we were still standing looking at each other
I was thinking to myself should I hug him?
Does he want to kiss me?
I really couldn't gauge the situation
And I felt so silly just standing there
So I made a move to go
And said goodbye again
Even though it was obvious he was holding out for something
Sorry dude
I don't kiss on the first date
Actually that's a lie
I have kissed plenty of boys on a first date
But there was one big difference
I was either drunk or stoned
Dealing with dating and the like stone cold sober is a whole different kettle of fish let me tell you
I need to pace myself 

I got home and had a chat with my sister
I told her that I think I just want us to be friends
But I'm really not sure
I guess I don't know what I want
I felt a bit bad that I hadn't at least hugged him when I left
So I decided to text him
To tell him that it was great to see him
And to text me when he wants to meet again
He texted back and said it was great to see me too
And that I 'looked great'
What does that mean?
What does that mean people?
Is he just being nice?
Or does he like me?
Man I am so rusty and out of practice

Even though this is all very nerve wracking and confusing
I must say
It is great fun
I had forgotten how nice it feels to like someone
To get butterflies
I think this is progress ladies
Even if nothing happens between me and him
At least I have had some fun
And made a new friend

Now
Next mission
Second date here I come.......