Lung Leavin' Day

A couple of weeks ago

I received an email from a man by the name of Cameron Von St James

Who shared with me his and his families story

Nine years ago

Cameron's wife Heather

Was diagnosed with mesothelioma

A rare cancer caused by exposure to asbestos

Heather had just given birth to their daughter Lilly

And during the most exciting time in their lives

Heather was given just 15 months to live

After surgery to remove her left lung

Heather began her journey towards survival

And Lung Leavin' Day was born

A name Heather's sister gave the day Heathers lung was removed

In order to lighten the situation

The name stuck

And now the family celebrate it every year

On February 2nd

Lung Leavin' Day is about overcoming your fears

This year is the ninth year of celebrating it

The purpose of this holiday is to encourage others to face their fears

Each year Cameron and Heather and their families gather together around a fire  in their back yard

Write their fears on to a plate

And smash them in to the fire

They celebrate for those who are no longer here

For those who continue to fight

For those who are currently going through a tough time in their lives

And most importantly

They celebrate life

I was really moved and touched by this story

What really stood out to me was the power and strength of the human spirit

The will to live is such an amazing thing

The instinct to survive keeps us going

Even though we may want to give up

I can relate to this story a lot

Overcoming my own fears is a daily battle

And the last six months have been especially testing

At my counselling appointment yesterday

My counsellor told me that I am a very determined person

I guess I am 

Although up until now

I only used that determination and stubbornness in a destructive way

But recently 

I have been using it as a power for good

To help myself

And others

For the longest time

I didn't care if I lived or died

In fact I courted death

I would describe it as having a passive death wish

Not actively seeking it

But welcoming it all the same

I was more afraid of living than I was of dying

It seemed the only way out of my situation was to disappear

I really believed that was the only viable option

But the will to live is strong

Even though you think you don't want to live

It is always there

I began to fight

To fight for my life

And just like light seeping in to a dark room

I began to get a glimpse of what my life could be like

I began to see that there is life after ED and addiction

That there was more to me than my illness

Little by little

Things started to improve for me

My depression lifted

My anxiety lessened

I re-gained some weight

It was like inhaling a breath of fresh air after I had been drowning for so long

Every day since then has been one of growth and learning

It's scary

It's terrifying

It's overwhelming

It can be monotonous

Boring

But it's also exciting 

Life affirming

Beautiful

And heart warming

I am feeling again

The good and the bad

The ups and downs

The highs and the lows

It's a whole new world 

To feel again

To be present in the moment

To stop running from myself

To stop hating myself

Overcoming our fears is essential if we want to grow, learn and move forward

I often find that it is the thought of something is a lot scarier than the actual event itself 

It's the build up to it

The anticipation

It's the constant thinking about it that can cripple me

One thing I have learned in recent times

Is that I am a lot more capable than I thought I was

Fear is part and parcel of life

We can either let it hold us back

Or we can feel the fear and do it anyway

For me

It's baby steps all the way

Everything is new right now

And it's scary

But what is the alternative?

Letting feat rule my life?

I'm not willing to do that

So I invite you today 

To take part in Lung Leavin' Day on 2nd February

Let's not let fear run our lives

Let's be brave 

Let's be strong

We can do this

We can live the life of our dreams

It is possible

I truly believe that

Thank you Cameron and Heather 

For bringing this to my attention

For reminding me that I can face my fears

I wish you a lifetime of happiness and health

And Happy Lung Leavin' Day to you!

Confused.com

I remember a few months ago

Saying to one of my friends 

That I wished I had some boy drama in my life

And I meant it

Well now I do have some boy drama in my life

And as fun and exciting as it all is

I am thoroughly confused

The last few days have gone something like this

Sunday

I texted the boy

And invited him to call out the next day

As I thought I would have the house to myself

But it turned out that I didn't

So that idea was scratched 

Monday

We arranged to meet on Tuesday

After my counselling appointment

But then he texted that he had to work

So I headed home

And told him he could call out when he was done

Then he texted that he had a flat tyre

And could I go out to him

He the sent directions to his house

But I was feeling sleepy with my meds 

And didn't feel comfortable driving that far

So I was the last one to text

And to him to text me when he could meet up

That was last night

And I haven't heard from him since

I have to say

This is wrecking my head

The constant texting back and forth

The not knowing if he likes me

Or what he really wants

I was so tempted to send him a text asking him straight out if he likes me or what

I'm not sure if this is game playing

I hate game playing

I much rather someone would be honest with me

It saves so much time and energy

And the funny thing is

That I'm not even sure that I like this guy

And yet

I want him to like me

The rational part of me knows it's not a good idea to get involved with this guy

I know it could all end in tears

Every fibre of my being is telling me to stay away from him

Yet I feel strangely drawn to him

Why is that?

Is it because I want what I can't have?

Is it because he is a so called 'bad boy'?

Is it because he is the first guy that has featured in my life since I've started to recover?

I really don't know

As I have said before 

I am so rusty and out of practice as regards dating and matters of heart 

I feel like I teenager again

Trying to figure out if the boy likes me

Trying to figure out if I like him

Or if I like the idea of him

Reading his texts

Trying to read between the lines

Ay ay ay 

So ladies

My lovely ladies

I know some of you are in relationships

Some of you are married

And some of you are single like me 

I need your help

What do I do?

What should my next move be?

Do I text him again?

Or wait for him to get in touch with me?

My feeling is that I should wait for him to make the next move

But I could ge wrong

Damn this is so confusing 

I am so baffled people 

HELP!!!!!!

Counselling

I had my first counselling appointment this morning

And it couldn't have come soon enough

I used to see this lady a few years ago

And always found her good

One of the better therapists I have seen over the years

It took me a while to find the place

I had to fight through anxiety in order to drive my car

Even though I have been driving for years

I am not very confident

But then I am not very confident in general 

So I guess it spills over in to every area of my life

Anyway

I found it eventually 

I knocked on the door

And I was buzzed in

The counsellor showed me in to a room

There was a clock ticking

And the obligatory box of tissues on the table

I settled in to my seat

And we began by talking about where we had left off

I stopped seeing her because I was going in to hospital

So I gave her the gist about what has been happening in my life since then

I explained how I have begun to recover

How my mood and anxiety have improved

And how I have regained weight to a healthy standard

She asked me what I would like to work on

So I told her about my lack of confidence and self esteem

And how I have very little belief in myself

How my bulimia persists 

And how I want to move on with my life

She asked me where I would like to move too

I told I wouldn't to be more sociable

Get my purging under control

And get back in to real life

As in doing a course

Or getting a job

She asked me if that's what I want

I said I feel I should do these things

And I do feel that

It's not necessarily what I want

But I feel it is expected of me

The counsellor said that I have come so far

She said I had a lot of determination 

That I can do anything I set my mind to

At one point she said I was 'some woman'

I guess I don't give myself credit for all that had happened

I tend to focus on what I haven't done

Rather than what I have done

She listed out the thins o have done

Beaten drug addiction

Alcoholism

I have up smoking

I maintain a healthy weight

Worked on myself

And the way I feel about myself

It hasn't been easy

The counsellor gave me some methods to manage my anxiety

Breathing

Awareness

Mindfulness

Skills to help me stop the negative thoughts that float around inside my head

And I need that

Practical ways to deal with these things

I'm glad I went today

I'm supposed to be meeting 'The Boy' today

My butterflies are very busy

I was supposed to go to his house

But now I think he is coming here

I guess when I spend some time with him

It will become clear whether I like him or not

At least I hope it will

Oh and I have some good news

I heard that Mary is back in her job as eating disorder specialist

That is amazing

I'm hoping it's true

I'm really hoping that it's true

I was with my friend the other day

And she commented that I look like I have lost weight

The ED part of me was delighted

And I got a little buzz

That feeling is addictive

I just want more and more of it

I asked my Mum and sister if I had lost

And they confirmed it

It's hard not to get sucked back in to that world

But I won't 

I won't let that happen

I have too much to lose now

So I am doing my level best to get back on track

I know that my weight is still settling down

And I have lost weight

But I am still in the healthy weight range

I am ok with it with my weight

I don't hate it

I don't love it

It is what it is

My BMI is at the lower tone of what is healthy

I think that is my set point

So all in all

Life is good at the moment

I have my health

And my mental health 

That is all I need

For now.......

Heart or Head?

Doctor day today

Dr M had a medical student observing today

So he was a lot more professional than usual

I played along

Like the good little recovering anorectic that I am

I asked him about my meds

And if I could go in to the pharmacy less frequently

He said that as things were going well

He would leave it as daily dispensed for another week

I guess that is best

If it ain't broke right?

He asked me if I'd had my counselling appointment yet

I told him my first one was tomorrow

Which it is

So that is progress me thinks

I'm in good form at the moment

My mood is stable

I'm having very little cravings

My weight is ok

I'm seeing friends 

And even seeing a boy

More of which later

But I still have a lot of work to do

The purging persists

Sometimes I can trick myself in to thinking that it's ok to purge 2 -4 times a day

Because at least I am not purging 10- 20 times a day

Yes it's an improvement

But to all intents and purposes

I am still very much bulimic

I still binge and purge

I still use food in an unhealthy way

Hopefully seeing a counsellor will be able to help me with that

Now

About the boy

We were texting yesterday

I asked him if he wanted to call out here today

As I thought I'd have the house to myself

But now it looks like I won't

So I need to tell him that

And maybe arrange to do something else

I am very confused about this situation

I really don't know if I like him or not

I mean

He is a lovely guy

I think he is attractive

But I don't know if I like him more than just as a friend

I was talking with my sister and her friend

They were asking me if I get butterflies when I think of him

I do

And I think about him a lot

He's always on my mind

I love to see that he has texted

And I generally feel warm and fuzzy inside when I think about seeing him

But 

Matters of the heart are never straight forward

There are other factors at play

He is my ex boyfriends best friend

Does that make it weird?

I'm really not sure

Also I'm not sure if I like him

Or like the idea of him

Or maybe because we used to use together 

He represents danger and intrigue 

And anyway

He might not like me at all

I my boy radar could be way off

As I have said before

I am so rusty and out of practice

I really can't tell one way or the other

I haven't had a boyfriend in years

And I've never had a boyfriend while clean and sober

This is unchartered territory

And it is scary

Confusing

Mind boggling

And baffling

Why can't men and women be more forth coming and straight forward with each other?

Why can't we be open and honest

Lay all our cards on the table

Then everyone would know what was happening

It would completely eliminate the guess work

The trying to read the other persons mind

The reading of texts

And trying to read between the lines

And figure out what the other person really means

Take yesterday

The Boy took ages to reply to my text

What is that all about?

Why can't people text straight away

That would have saved me hours of agony

And because he took ages to reply

I decided to wait a while before replying

Isn't that playing mind games?

Is it being strategic

I hate these games

No good can come if it 

So I need your help dear friends

How do I know if I really have feelings for him?

How do I know I'd  he has feelings for me?

Is there a test or something I can take?

I'm kidding

But you know what I mean

Part of me thinks we should just stay friends

As anything else can turn sour and ruin a friendship

But the truth is that I would love to meet someone

And I think I am now getting to a place where that is possible

Up until now

A relationship just hadn't been on my radar

I was too sick to contemplate it

But now

Well now that I am a lot more stable

I feel ready to share my life with someone

I'm just not sure if this person is the right person

The good news is that this is a lot of fun

It's a feel good thing

I feel like I am really starting to live life

And that is an amazing feeling

I just need a little girl to girl advice

So any input is greatly appreciated

What do info ladies?

How do I know if I really like him?

And if he really likes me?

My gut feeling tells me that this is a bad idea

So do I go with my heart?

Or my head?

I think I already know the answer 

But I would love to know what you think

The Bed War

As you know

Honey had her eye operation last Monday

And as she stayed with my Dad for a couple of days

He went out and bought her a brand new bed

Now Honey gets very attached to her beds

She spends most of her life in bed

Sometimes she moved her bed around

Putting it in the best vantage point

Her bed is currently in the utility room

Tucked in under the work top 

She loves it there

She can see everything 

The kitchen

Lea

The garden

Oh yes

Her bed is in a prime location

So when Honey was well enough to travel

My Dad brought her and her new bed up here

She now had two beds 

And we placed the new one in the kitchen beside the radiator

Honey pretty much ignored the new bed at first

Didn't even look at it

But over the course of the week

It became more and more appealing to her

First she went over and sniffed it

Then she might stand on it for a minute

And now she is using as her 'Day bed'

As in she uses it to lounge in during the day

And keeps her other bed for night time

So it was very funny today when I walked in to the kitchen 

And saw that Lea was in 

Honeys day bed

Honey was outside at the time

And so had no idea that Lea had laid claim to the new bed

I immediately got my phone out to take a shot of her

Here are Lea and  Honey and said beds

Great Baba?

I had had some very strange comments on my post about The Boy
Comments directing me to spell casters
To get what ever I want
Here are some of the comments

From Elizabeth Rosas Bella
After being in relationship with emma for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drinegbedionspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL
ADDRESS IS:drinegbedionspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM

From Anonymous

First of all, these are just my opinions, accept or disregard them as you
see fit. Magic is a complex subject and its practitioners are a diverse
lot. I offer the following tips as a sort of "community service" because
i'd hate to think of all the vulnerable and needy folks out there who may
get hosed by an unethical magic worker.
i will like you to contact DOCTOREDEHSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM
When you are down and out - heartbroken, poor, lonely - it is easy to be
taken advantage of - this is true in all regards, but with magic in
particular. Magic has a veil of secrecy; it seems exotic and unattainable
by the uninitiated - and in some instances it is. Many folks who seek to
have magic done on their behalf know little about the subject - they just
have a willing and open mind without knowing a lot, and therefore they are
easy prey for civilians out there, unethical fakes who have flashy ads with
mysterious and real-sounding credentials who take your money and do no
magic on behalf of their paying clients. To me this is criminal, a
monumental betrayal of sacred trust.

Any way, as a confession right off the bat and to avoid any appearance of
impropriety, i myself do magic for people and sometimes offer my services
on eBay and Facebook Google and what have you.This being the case, i have
no ulterior motives in writing this guide, nor do i wish to advertise my
own work. There are a whole host of good, ethical magic practitioners out
there, and you will be Spirit-led to the one who is a best fit for you.
Not all workers are one-spell-fits-all, they all have their own gifts and
specialties, and they all take different clients. In any event, i keep my
workload down to it maximum

1.he cure HIV
2.Retrieve all lost money
3.help you to get in touch all fraudsters who ate your money
4.bring your ex lover back
5.help you to enchant your lover
6.power for ministration
7.fame and power
8.can also be a teacher if you wish to be a spell practitioner

i will like you to contact DOCTOREDEHSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM

From Paul Annie
Great Baba is a trust worthy spell caster and he will be of great help to you. I never believed in spell casting but After 5 years of marriage my husband left me because I lost my womb, and i was unable to give birth to children. I felt like my life has come to an end, and i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time, but thanks to this spell caster called Great Baba whom i met online after my friend James Tricia told me how he also helped her to bring back her husband in less than 2 days. I believed her and decided to give Great Baba a try and i contacted him on his email Highersolutiontemple@yahoo.com and explained my problems to him. He laughed and told me that In less than 2 days, my Husband will come back for me again, and that he will restore my womb and i will give birth to children. At first i thought it was a lie but i took courage and believed as Great Baba has said and it did happen just as this Great spell caster said, My husband called me and was crying, apologizing for forgiveness. I forgave him and today i am so glad that all worries and problems has gone away, and we are even happier than before, another good news is that i am pregnant now, and very soon we are expecting our baby. Great Baba is really a gifted and a powerful spiritual man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. I advice you all If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems just Contact Great Baba on his email on Highersolutiontemple@yahoo.com at anytime and just visit GREATBABAOFSOLUTION.blogspot.com and see so many people testifying about his good and wonderful work. Just contact him and he will help you solve all your problems. Once again thank you Great Baba Thank you, thank you.


Very strange me thinks
Have any of you had any comments like this?

Addiction

I went  out for dinner last night
With my sister and her friend
We decided to go to a local pub
As it has great food
We arrived there around 7pm
Believe it or not
That is late for me to be out
Usually I am in my pyjamas by the time it gets dark
The food was lovely
I had beef and Guinness casserole
It was delicious
But I couldn't finish it
As time passed
More and more people came in to the pub
It was a Friday night
So people were relaxing after a hard weeks work
And letting their hair down

Two girls came in at one point
I heard them saying that one of the girls was 18 that day
And everyone was wishing her Happy Birthday
And buying her drinks
As I watched all the different groups of people
Chatting
Laughing
Having the 'craic' as we say in this country
I began to feel a little uncomfortable
I couldn't identify the feeling at first
Somewhere between resentment and longing
Resentful that I couldn't have a drink
And longing to be able to be part of that world
As you know
I don't drink
I had to stop
As when I drank
I drank far too much
And got in to so much trouble
I could never have just one drink
And marvelled at people who could have just one
And leave it at that
When I started drinking
I couldn't stop
Not for love nor money

Every now and then
I get really annoyed that I can't drink like a normal person
I see my brother have a pint
Or someone having a glass of wine with dinner
A civilized drink
I miss being able to have a drink
But then I never drank for the taste
I drank to get drunk
To get trashed
Out of my head
I drank to help my confidence
To talk to people
To be sociable
I drank for all the wrong reasons

So I was sitting in the pub last night
And I now know that what I was feeling was jealous
Jealous of that girl
Who had just become an adult
And had her whole life ahead of her
Jealous of the people who could have a drink
And leave it at that
Jealous of the fun I was missing out on
The laughter
The banter
The fun
I miss that

I keep having to remind myself
That I am not like everyone else
I am not like those people who can have a social drink
I am an addict
One is too many
And a thousand never enough
I remember the first time I went to treatment
I was told that I could never drink again
If I wanted to be clean and sober
I couldn't drink at all
I couldn't get my head around this
And didn't really believe that I had to stop drinking
When I left treatment I did drink
And of course that lead me back to drugs
It was only years later that I finally realized that my drinking was out of control
And I had to stop
If I wanted to lead any semblance of a normal life

When I start feeling nostalgic about using or drinking
When I start to think it's a good idea
When I am craving
When I want out of my own head
I don't have to look very far
To remind myself of the damage that addiction does
I don;t have to look further than my next door neighbours

I don't think I have written about them before
As I don't tend to talk about other people here on my blog
I won't go in to too ,much detail
But I will just give you a general idea of what their life is like
They are an elderly couple
In their 70's
And they are both alcoholics
The lead an incredibly limited and sad life
They are not in touch with their families
They never have any visitors
Their life is a very lonely one
There  has been trouble in that house over the years
When they're drunk
They fight
And I have been over their numerous times trying to keep the peace
The cops have also been called on occasion

A couple of years ago
The woman drank so much that she got a 'wet brain'
A wet brain happens when you drink so much
That you become a vegetable
She was in hospital for months
Didn't know her own name
And didn't know us when we went in to visit her
Thankfully she made a remarkable recovery
Although I am not sure if she drinks now

Last Monday night
We saw an ambulance leave their house
My Mum rang to see what had happened
The man had been taken to hospital
After an alleged stroke
We called in the next day
The woman told us that her husband had been sick since Friday
He speech was slurred
But the woman thought it was from drink
So she didn't become worried until the Monday
When he deteriorated a lot
She rang the doctor Monday lunch time
And even though she said it was an emergency
The doctor didn't arrive until late evening
When he immediately called the ambulance

I have been calling over every day
To do some jobs for her
Let her dog out
Collect her shopping
And pay her bills
Her husband is in a very bad state in hospital
And it is likely that he won't pull through
Even though he is at deaths door
He still managed to get alcohol in to the hospital
I asked the woman today of drink contributed to his condition
She said it definitely had
And that if she had rang  the ambulance sooner
He might not have deteriorated so much

This situation with my neighbours breaks my heart
And is a stark reminder of the damage and destruction that addiction does
Yes I am not like everyone else
I can't drink
Because if I do
I could  end up like these people
Alone
Sick
Isolated
Completely f**ked up
Not drinking is a small price to pay
For my sanity
My peace of mind
My families peace of mind
And my heath
In my opinion
Alcohol is the worst drug there is
Especially in this country
We are a nation of drinkers
And the damage is untold
So many families torn apart by drink
So I will thank my lucky stars that I have got out of y addiction relatively unscathed
I look at my neighbours
And I think
There but for the grace of God go I
I am out of that game
I managed to get off that merry-go-round
I am one of the lucky ones