And then she recovered

I started writing this blog April 2012 

Almost 3 years ago

I had been reading blogs for some time 

The first ones I came across were Recovering Anorexic over on Wordpress

And Lou here on blogger

When I started writing

I had little or no interest in recovering

My life was dictated by my ED

Although my weight wasn't too low

My life was still pretty much a mess

For about the first year 

I wrote anonymously

Under the name Ruby Tuesday

I picked this name

As Ruby is quite similar to my real name

And I also love the song 

Which it is named after

I wrote anonymously

As I wanted to be as honest as I could possibly be

Without any consequences 

And without fear of being recognised

 Given the sensitive nature of my writing

I thought it best not to disclose my real identity

But over time

I became comfortable showing face

And began to post photos

I wanted people to be able to put a face with my writing

Although I still keep some details private 

Like my name

This blog was originally called And then she disappeared

I thought long and hard about the name

I had a few in the running

But I kept coming back to the same name

I chose this name as I was in a bad place

And I was planning to disappear

I try didn't believe that I would last the year

It was all too much

I was too much

I just wanted to slip away quietly

With no hassle or fuss

I wanted out of this life

For good

You know what happened next

Life began to improve for me

I grew

And matured 

And started to fight for my life 

A lot of change was happening

And along with my own personal changes

I felt the need to change my blog

It went from documenting my like as an eating disordered addict

To  being about my ventures in to recovery

It was really quite difficult to choose a new name  for my blog

I wanted to convey the fact that I was beginning to recover

But still wanted to stay true to the message of my blog 

I toyed with a few names

And asked you all to help me pick one

The lovely Hydra suggested the name

And then she recovered

I loved it immediately

It conveying that I was in recovery

But also gave a nod to And then she disappeared

It was perfect

I was wondering about you

Do you wrote anonymously?

Why did you pick the name you use?

And why did you pick the name of your blog?

Inquiring minds want to know........

General update

Monday again

The start of another week

Time goes by so very quickly

As per usual

I saw my doctor first thing

'Any crack?' He asked me

So I told him about Honey

And having to go to my hometown to see a vet

He asked me if it was hard going back there

Given that's where I grew up

And did a lot of my using

I told him that I always go with someone

But that I did feel uneasy bring there 

I thought about telling him about my blast from the past

The boy

And I did mention it

I told him that even though I moved across the country to get away from drugs and the people I used with

The past has a way of catching up on us

I've been thinking about the boy situation

I'm wondering if maybe I'm thinking about him a lot 

As he is the first male I've had a frisson with since starting to recover

Boys just weren't on my agenda when I was ill

I didn't want to live

Never mind share my life with someone else

Maybe I shouldn't let myself fall for the first boy that shows an interest in me

There's plenty of fish and all that

In other news

My weight has been stable recently

At a BMI of 19 - 20

I think I am ok with that 

I can live with that

I can work with that 

Honey has made a miraculous recovery 

And is back in fighting form

I think she looks so cute with one little eye

Like a teddy bear whose eye has fallen out

She is coming for walks again now

It just been myself and Lea for a couple of weeks

Which was nice as I got to spend some quality time with Lea

Here are said dogs......

Second meeting

Yesterday

I met the boy for the second time

I met him in the village

And we went back to his place

As his dog had puppies

And I really wanted to see them

I felt really shady

Because I had to lie to my mother about where I was going

As I knew she would worry if I told her where I was really going

I said I was going to meet a girlfriend

Although I think she knew something was up

As she kept telling me to be careful when I went out

So I met the boy at one 

And we headed out to his place 

He has two dogs too

And the puppies were just adorable

We just watched them for ages

We didn't do much

Had tea 

And chatted for a few hours 

I felt more comfortable than I did the first time I met him

His house mate was there too part of the time

Before I went out to his house

I told him I had to babysit at five

So I had a reason to leave if I needed to

But really I could have stayed there all day

We talked about everything and anything

It was easy

I think we both felt comfortable

The longer I was there

The more I felt like we were just friends

He didn't try to jump me or anything 

I was glad of that

At about five

I said I had better go 

So the boy dropped me back down to my car

Then came another awkward goodbye

So I gave him a hug

And we left it at that

I had told my sister where I was going

She had texted me a couple of times while I was out

To make sure I was ok

And I was

I didn't feel uncomfortable or unsafe or anything like that

I arrived home 

And went straight to talk to my sister

I told her about my day

And that ideas pretty sure we were just friends

She told me that I should tell my mum about seeing him

So I decided that I would

I changed my clothes

Made a cup of tea

And joined my mother in the kitchen

I sat beside her

And asked if I could speak to her

She said of course

I told her I had something to tell her

Her face tensed

And I could see she was bracing herself

'I'm back in contact with someone' I said

'Who?' She asked

I told her who

As I said his name

Her whole face seemed to drop

She put her hand over her eyes

And I thought she was going to start crying

She said nothing for a minute

I waited 

She looked at me 

And in no uncertain terms said

'Ruby, you know how I feel about him and all of that crowd' 

She said that she always got a bad feeling about the boy

And that he was 'menacing'

She continued that I had worked so hard to get where I am

And that I was putting my recovery and my life in jeopardy

She really had a very strong reaction upon hearing the boys name

She seemed angry even

I can understand why she had this reaction

I used to use with this guy

And I know my family are still terrified that I could relapse

My mother said that the boy is not welcome near our house

And she would prefer that I didn't see him

I told her that I am an adult

And that I am mature enough to make my own decisions

And I am

I have to say

I don't get a bad feeling off the boy

I really like him

But I do understand where my mother is coming from

So I guess it will be tricky to see him now

My family will be on high alert

I'm not sure how to handle this

Do I respect my mothers wishes and stay away?

Or do I do my own thing

And continue to see him?

As of yet

I really don't know 

Apologies for not replying to comments the last few days

Normal service resumes today

Life as we know it

It was last May when I began to get my life together

I had just started new meds

My depression finally lifted

My anxiety lessened considerably

And life as I know it began to improve

Sometimes it feels like it happened in spite of me

Like it happened to me

And I had nothing to do with it

But I made the changes 

So I know I had at least some part in it

Since last May  

A lot has happened 

I've regained wright to a healthy BMI

I went on a holiday

Which was harder than you might think

I gave up smoking

Which for me was massive

And I still think that could go belly up at any time

I don't take it for granted that I am out of the woods

Everyday I fight the urge to light up a smoke

It hasn't been easy

So yes

My life has changed a lot in the last few months

Ed wise

That has improved too

I've gone from purging 10-20 times a day

To 2-5 times a day

My day used to revolve around eating and purging

I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom

It was relentless

A living hell

I was stealing food from shops

Financially I couldn't keep up with the amount of food I was eating

I was consumed with guilt and shame

My relationship with my family was strained

I couldn't stop

My health was failing

I was falling apart

And I hated myself

I felt like such a failure

Such a waste of space

Such a burden to my family

And yet I couldn't stop

Even my dog was stressed to the max

And hey fur was falling out

Thankfully when I began to recover 

So did she

Even though things have drastically improved for me and my family

Everything is not perfect

I struggle to keep my food down

I struggle to eat proper meals

My self esteem changes from one day to the next

My body image is questionable

I battle guilt and shame

I mourn for the life I could have had

But I am grateful

Grateful to have made it to the age of 33 relatively unscathed

As my mother always says

Given what this family had been through

We are not doing too badly

I whole heartedly agree

Sometimes it seems that when I get one problem under control

Another pops up

I've struggled to stop weighing myself

And it's a constant battle to take my meds correctly

But I do consider myself to be in recovery

As I do want a better life

I do want to grow and learn and thrive

Amazing things have happened in the last few months

I feel stable and able

Stronger and more capable than I've frly in a long time

I've even had a bit of boy drama

Which has been a lot of fun

I think recovery is about constantly moving forward

Granted it may sometimes be one step forward and two steps back

But the important thing is to keep going

To keep putting one foot in front of the other

To get out of bed every morning

And live life the best way I know how

To keep doing the next right thing

To pick ourselves up after we fall

To fight

For our sanity

Our peace of mind

And for our lives 

To never give up

When I was really sick 

I had been that way for so long

I had forgotten what it felt like to feel good

I was so numb

An empty shell

The only things I felt were self hatred and guilt and shame

I wanted to disappear

I couldn't see the point of life

The point of my life

I spent most of my time running

From myself

From others

From life 

I just didn't see the point of me

In my eyes 

I was a waste of space

A parasite

 

Over the last few months

I've seen a glimpse of what my life could be like

How it's possible to feel good

To feel hopeful

And positive

To look forward to things

To enjoy the company of others

To feel comfortable in my own skin

To love

And to feel loved

To feel worthy

To wake up in the morning

And not dread the day ahead

To look in the mirror

And not hate what I see

To make friends 

To laugh

To feel 

To not feel afraid of life

To talk to strangers 

To smile 

To be able to accept a compliment

To feel alive 

This is all wonderful

But there is a part of me

Quite a big part of me

That is absolutely terrified

Scared witless

Frightened beyond belief

Of life

Life without my ED

Life without my addiction

Living life on life's terms

To an extent

I still very much hide

And my life is very limited

I wake up early every morning

Have my tea

I blog

I walk my dogs

I might see a friend

I might go shopping

I might do something with my sister

But apart from that

I don't do a whole lot

I don't work

I don't study

I don't go to meetings

Even though I know it would be good for me

Why?

Because I am afraid

Afraid of failing 

Afraid that peor won't like me

Or 'get' me

Afraid I'll do or say something silly 

Or that anxiety will prevent me from speaking at all

But the thing is

I want to do all these things

I want to go to meetings

I want to see friends

I want to date

I want to learn or study

I want to put myself out there

I'm just having a lot of trouble getting past my fear

Strangely 

I seem to be able to manage bigger tasks

Like giving up smoking

It's the little things that get me

Like meeting a friend

Or starting a course

These things seem impossible to me

Do I hide 

I hide in my house

I watch tv do I don't have to listen to my own negative and intrusive thoughts

I pretend that there isn't a whole big world out there

I cancel meeting friends because I can't get out the front door

I guess it is a confidence thing

I don't have a lot of self confidence 

Or belief in myself 

In fact

I have none

None at all

But I think this

What I am going through 

Is fairly normal for someone trying to recover

I've been out of real life for a long time

It's going to be an adjustment getting back in to things

Even though it is so very scary

I will keep going

I will keep fighting for a better life

What is the alternativ?

I was wondering about you 

Do you ever feel like this?

Afraid and overwhelmed

Scared and stuck?

Am I the only one?

Setback?

Ok

Confession time

You know that I smashed my scale a couple of weeks ago 

And my house is a scale free zone

Or at least it was

It was great not weighing

Not knowing that number

Not holding my self worth hostage

It felt like freedom

A lite taste of what life could be like

I didn't miss the scale at all

On Tuesday 

I went for a walk with my friend

When I got out of the car

She commented that I had lost weight

And this girl would notice

as she has an eating disorder too

All that day her words rang in my ears

I went home

And asked my mum and sister if I had lost weight

They confirmed that I had

And also said I looked very pale

My curiosity was pricked

I was dying to know my weight 

The next day

I was in the pharmacy collecting my meds

As I waited

I clocked the public weighing scales in the corner

It was one of those new fangled fancy ones that calculates your BMI etc

I was tempted to stand on it

But I didn't

It was still on my mind though

The next day 

I was collecting my meds again

And again 

As I waited

I spotted weighing scales for sale in the corner of the store

Half price in the sale

I was drawn to them 

Like a magnet I felt pulled towards it

I picked it up 

It was a Weight Watchers scale

It calculated your BMI

You percentage water weight

And fat

I was mesmerised 

A brand new shiny scale

It was like Christmas all over again

I have to admit

I bought the scale

And brought it home

I tried to smuggle it in to my house

But I met my mother in the hall

She looked disappointed to say the least

But I was on a mission

I locked my bedroom door

Opened the box

Placed it on the wooden floor

Stripped

And stood on it

Of course the number meant absolutely nothing

As it was a different scale

And I hadn't weighed in a coue of weeks

So I don't know if I lost or gained

Clever Ruby

Very clever

Even though the scale has now taken up residence in my bedroom

I've only used it a couple of times

I'm not playing that game any more

No freakin' way

I had two glorious number free weeks

And I intend to proceed in the same way

So what to do with the scale?

I'm not sure 

But I'm sure I will think of something.....

Go ahead, make my day!

As you know 

I love getting post

Letters

Packages 

Parcels

Anything 

So I was delighted to get some very interesting looking post this afternoon

I recognised the senders address straight away

My beautiful Bella

I tore in to the wrapping

The first thing I came across was the lovely card

I had to giggle

Bella, you know me well

Then I saw all the chocolate

White chocolate, my favourite!

And there was more

A beautiful key ring with the word hope

That was sold on behalf of The Butterfly  Foundation

Which helps those suffering from eating disorders

Such a lovely thought

But there was still another package

I opened it to find the most beautiful blue apron

It is so pretty

And I am so delighted to have something made by Bella's fair hand

Thank you Bella

You are a absolute star

It never ceases to amaze me the kindness of the girls here in blogger

You blow me away

Again and again

Thank you

Lung Leavin' Day

A couple of weeks ago

I received an email from a man by the name of Cameron Von St James

Who shared with me his and his families story

Nine years ago

Cameron's wife Heather

Was diagnosed with mesothelioma

A rare cancer caused by exposure to asbestos

Heather had just given birth to their daughter Lilly

And during the most exciting time in their lives

Heather was given just 15 months to live

After surgery to remove her left lung

Heather began her journey towards survival

And Lung Leavin' Day was born

A name Heather's sister gave the day Heathers lung was removed

In order to lighten the situation

The name stuck

And now the family celebrate it every year

On February 2nd

Lung Leavin' Day is about overcoming your fears

This year is the ninth year of celebrating it

The purpose of this holiday is to encourage others to face their fears

Each year Cameron and Heather and their families gather together around a fire  in their back yard

Write their fears on to a plate

And smash them in to the fire

They celebrate for those who are no longer here

For those who continue to fight

For those who are currently going through a tough time in their lives

And most importantly

They celebrate life

I was really moved and touched by this story

What really stood out to me was the power and strength of the human spirit

The will to live is such an amazing thing

The instinct to survive keeps us going

Even though we may want to give up

I can relate to this story a lot

Overcoming my own fears is a daily battle

And the last six months have been especially testing

At my counselling appointment yesterday

My counsellor told me that I am a very determined person

I guess I am 

Although up until now

I only used that determination and stubbornness in a destructive way

But recently 

I have been using it as a power for good

To help myself

And others

For the longest time

I didn't care if I lived or died

In fact I courted death

I would describe it as having a passive death wish

Not actively seeking it

But welcoming it all the same

I was more afraid of living than I was of dying

It seemed the only way out of my situation was to disappear

I really believed that was the only viable option

But the will to live is strong

Even though you think you don't want to live

It is always there

I began to fight

To fight for my life

And just like light seeping in to a dark room

I began to get a glimpse of what my life could be like

I began to see that there is life after ED and addiction

That there was more to me than my illness

Little by little

Things started to improve for me

My depression lifted

My anxiety lessened

I re-gained some weight

It was like inhaling a breath of fresh air after I had been drowning for so long

Every day since then has been one of growth and learning

It's scary

It's terrifying

It's overwhelming

It can be monotonous

Boring

But it's also exciting 

Life affirming

Beautiful

And heart warming

I am feeling again

The good and the bad

The ups and downs

The highs and the lows

It's a whole new world 

To feel again

To be present in the moment

To stop running from myself

To stop hating myself

Overcoming our fears is essential if we want to grow, learn and move forward

I often find that it is the thought of something is a lot scarier than the actual event itself 

It's the build up to it

The anticipation

It's the constant thinking about it that can cripple me

One thing I have learned in recent times

Is that I am a lot more capable than I thought I was

Fear is part and parcel of life

We can either let it hold us back

Or we can feel the fear and do it anyway

For me

It's baby steps all the way

Everything is new right now

And it's scary

But what is the alternative?

Letting feat rule my life?

I'm not willing to do that

So I invite you today 

To take part in Lung Leavin' Day on 2nd February

Let's not let fear run our lives

Let's be brave 

Let's be strong

We can do this

We can live the life of our dreams

It is possible

I truly believe that

Thank you Cameron and Heather 

For bringing this to my attention

For reminding me that I can face my fears

I wish you a lifetime of happiness and health

And Happy Lung Leavin' Day to you!