What now?

I feel like me and my blog are in a strange  place right now

I feel like this blog is not what it was

A blog about dealing with life with addiction and disordered eating 

Don't get me wrong 

I still struggle with these issues

But they are not urgent matters in the way they used to be

By 'normal' persons standards

I am still very much an addict

And still very much eating disordered

They don't feel as urgent any more

My life isn't in danger

My mental health isn't in the risky category any more

And my physical health has improved drastically

Life as I know it is a lot better

Heck I've even had my very own boy drama

After years of being single 

I didn't actually realise how low I was until I began to feel better 

My body was so sick

Barely able to get through the day

My mind was also sick

Depression and anxiety were constant

There were many times when I thought that I was going crazy

I truly believed that along with the weight

I was losing my mind

And that terrified me

I had spent all my life running from myself

And trying to escape reality

But the prospect that I really was losing touch with life and reality

Was enough to scare me in to getting well

For the longest time

I really didn't care if I lived or died

I had no shit to give

I courted death

I welcomed it

I would describe it as having a passive death wish

My mind still goes to that place regularly it's like my default way of dealing with life

And perversely 

Knowing I can end my life at any time

Gives me the strength and courage to keep going

A lot of the time

I feel like I am holding on for my family

That I am staying clean and sober and healthy for them

They say you should get well for yourself

But if I did it that way

I would never recover

I find it easier to do it for others 

And I can't lie

I miss drugs

I miss them a lot

But I don't miss all the crap that goes with them

Or the misery that I caused my family

Maybe recovering for others is not idea

But it's the best I can do right now

I would love to go back to meetings

I know it would help me so much

On a practical level

A spiritual level

And for the social aspect

For some reason I am afraid to go back

There are lunch time meetings that I hear are small and intimate

So maybe I could start with those 

I've taken the first steps with my recovery

I have re gained some weight

Dealt with my depression and anxiety

I am more independent now

More and more I do my own thing

And I feel strong and able

Now I guess it's time to take the next step

But what is the next step for me?

I'm really not sure 

Even with this blog

I am not sure what direction it is going

I feel confused about where I am going

I guess I need to make a few decisions

I need to take control of my life

Decide what I want to do

Whether that be recovering or not

At least then I won't feel so all over the place

I want to want to recover

I want to want to live

I know I need to find reasons to get out of bed in the morning

Reasons to live

Raison d'être

Because right now I am drifting 

Floating 

I have no focus

No direction

And I desperately need that

It's like I want both

To have my cake and eat it

I want to take drugs

But I want a stable life

I want to be thin

But I don't want the negative consequences

Unfortunately life doesn't work that way

Being a greedy addict

I want it all

But that is an impossibility 

I still struggle massively with body image

And accepting my weight

I have days when I just want to unzip my skin and step out of it 

 I have days when I cry when I see my reflection on the mirror

Or when my clothes feel a little tight

My body image is still very much entangled in my self esteem and confidence

And it shouldn't be

It shouldn't matter what I weigh

As long as I am healthy and happy

But at the moment it does matter

My weight can make or break my day

It both terrifies me and thrills me

I hate that it still has so much control over me

But it does 

It really does

 I don't know why I find reality so hard to deal with

My life is fine

I have a loving family

Two amazing dogs

A small but close group of friends

I have a roof over my head

Clothes on my back

Good in my fridge 

I have no major bills to pay

Financially I am stable 

My physical and mental health are improving all the time

But yet

I feel so empty 

So dissatisfied 

Like something is missing

I feel like I am constantly wishing my life away 

Counting down the days to when I can check off the planet 

I find reality boring

Monotonous

Tedious

I crave drama

And love

And passion 

Extremes of feelings

I crave adventure 

Highs and lows

I hate this constant and even feeling of life

I guess I need to find healthy ways of meeting these needs

I always thought that the only way to feel these things was to use mood altering chemicals

But there must be other ways

There must be

I think I need to take a leap of faith

To try some new activities 

To free fall in to my own life

What's the worst that could happen right?

I was wondering about you

Have you ever felt this way?

How did you cope?

Get through this?

Any thoughts are much appreciated 

Vet day

Today my sister and I 

And Honey and Lea travelled to my home town

For Honeys follow up appointment

And to get her stitches out

I brought them for a walk first thing

So they wouldn't mind the hour and a half drive

And we arrived at my Dads just before lunch

My sister and Lea waited at the house

And my Dad and I made our way to the vets

Honey was not best pleased to be back at the vet again

But props to her 

She was very good

After waiting for a few minutes 

The vet called us in

He said her eye looked great

And that you can hardly notice the eye is gone

Which is true 

Her fur is growing over the little wound

The vet said that she was in a lot of pain with her eye before the operation

He said he usually takes before and after photos of operations 

To put on his Facebook page

But that Honey was so 'grotesque' before that he didn't take one

There was another matter the vet wanted to talk to me about

The big elephant in the room

Literally

Honeys weight

He said that she has to lose some

If we want her to live a long and healthy life

On the vets scales

Honey weighed in at 17kilos

He said that 13kilos is an ideal weight for her

I asked the vet about the best food to feed both my dogs

He recommended one

And worked out the correct amount to give them

So that is my next mission

To get Honey to a healthy weight

Here are some photos from today.....

Morning walk

DI got my sister up early this morning

Bundled Honey and Lea in to the car

And headed to the beach for a morning walk

A good time was had by all

Here is some photographic evidence.....

And then she recovered

I started writing this blog April 2012 

Almost 3 years ago

I had been reading blogs for some time 

The first ones I came across were Recovering Anorexic over on Wordpress

And Lou here on blogger

When I started writing

I had little or no interest in recovering

My life was dictated by my ED

Although my weight wasn't too low

My life was still pretty much a mess

For about the first year 

I wrote anonymously

Under the name Ruby Tuesday

I picked this name

As Ruby is quite similar to my real name

And I also love the song 

Which it is named after

I wrote anonymously

As I wanted to be as honest as I could possibly be

Without any consequences 

And without fear of being recognised

 Given the sensitive nature of my writing

I thought it best not to disclose my real identity

But over time

I became comfortable showing face

And began to post photos

I wanted people to be able to put a face with my writing

Although I still keep some details private 

Like my name

This blog was originally called And then she disappeared

I thought long and hard about the name

I had a few in the running

But I kept coming back to the same name

I chose this name as I was in a bad place

And I was planning to disappear

I try didn't believe that I would last the year

It was all too much

I was too much

I just wanted to slip away quietly

With no hassle or fuss

I wanted out of this life

For good

You know what happened next

Life began to improve for me

I grew

And matured 

And started to fight for my life 

A lot of change was happening

And along with my own personal changes

I felt the need to change my blog

It went from documenting my like as an eating disordered addict

To  being about my ventures in to recovery

It was really quite difficult to choose a new name  for my blog

I wanted to convey the fact that I was beginning to recover

But still wanted to stay true to the message of my blog 

I toyed with a few names

And asked you all to help me pick one

The lovely Hydra suggested the name

And then she recovered

I loved it immediately

It conveying that I was in recovery

But also gave a nod to And then she disappeared

It was perfect

I was wondering about you

Do you wrote anonymously?

Why did you pick the name you use?

And why did you pick the name of your blog?

Inquiring minds want to know........

General update

Monday again

The start of another week

Time goes by so very quickly

As per usual

I saw my doctor first thing

'Any crack?' He asked me

So I told him about Honey

And having to go to my hometown to see a vet

He asked me if it was hard going back there

Given that's where I grew up

And did a lot of my using

I told him that I always go with someone

But that I did feel uneasy bring there 

I thought about telling him about my blast from the past

The boy

And I did mention it

I told him that even though I moved across the country to get away from drugs and the people I used with

The past has a way of catching up on us

I've been thinking about the boy situation

I'm wondering if maybe I'm thinking about him a lot 

As he is the first male I've had a frisson with since starting to recover

Boys just weren't on my agenda when I was ill

I didn't want to live

Never mind share my life with someone else

Maybe I shouldn't let myself fall for the first boy that shows an interest in me

There's plenty of fish and all that

In other news

My weight has been stable recently

At a BMI of 19 - 20

I think I am ok with that 

I can live with that

I can work with that 

Honey has made a miraculous recovery 

And is back in fighting form

I think she looks so cute with one little eye

Like a teddy bear whose eye has fallen out

She is coming for walks again now

It just been myself and Lea for a couple of weeks

Which was nice as I got to spend some quality time with Lea

Here are said dogs......

Second meeting

Yesterday

I met the boy for the second time

I met him in the village

And we went back to his place

As his dog had puppies

And I really wanted to see them

I felt really shady

Because I had to lie to my mother about where I was going

As I knew she would worry if I told her where I was really going

I said I was going to meet a girlfriend

Although I think she knew something was up

As she kept telling me to be careful when I went out

So I met the boy at one 

And we headed out to his place 

He has two dogs too

And the puppies were just adorable

We just watched them for ages

We didn't do much

Had tea 

And chatted for a few hours 

I felt more comfortable than I did the first time I met him

His house mate was there too part of the time

Before I went out to his house

I told him I had to babysit at five

So I had a reason to leave if I needed to

But really I could have stayed there all day

We talked about everything and anything

It was easy

I think we both felt comfortable

The longer I was there

The more I felt like we were just friends

He didn't try to jump me or anything 

I was glad of that

At about five

I said I had better go 

So the boy dropped me back down to my car

Then came another awkward goodbye

So I gave him a hug

And we left it at that

I had told my sister where I was going

She had texted me a couple of times while I was out

To make sure I was ok

And I was

I didn't feel uncomfortable or unsafe or anything like that

I arrived home 

And went straight to talk to my sister

I told her about my day

And that ideas pretty sure we were just friends

She told me that I should tell my mum about seeing him

So I decided that I would

I changed my clothes

Made a cup of tea

And joined my mother in the kitchen

I sat beside her

And asked if I could speak to her

She said of course

I told her I had something to tell her

Her face tensed

And I could see she was bracing herself

'I'm back in contact with someone' I said

'Who?' She asked

I told her who

As I said his name

Her whole face seemed to drop

She put her hand over her eyes

And I thought she was going to start crying

She said nothing for a minute

I waited 

She looked at me 

And in no uncertain terms said

'Ruby, you know how I feel about him and all of that crowd' 

She said that she always got a bad feeling about the boy

And that he was 'menacing'

She continued that I had worked so hard to get where I am

And that I was putting my recovery and my life in jeopardy

She really had a very strong reaction upon hearing the boys name

She seemed angry even

I can understand why she had this reaction

I used to use with this guy

And I know my family are still terrified that I could relapse

My mother said that the boy is not welcome near our house

And she would prefer that I didn't see him

I told her that I am an adult

And that I am mature enough to make my own decisions

And I am

I have to say

I don't get a bad feeling off the boy

I really like him

But I do understand where my mother is coming from

So I guess it will be tricky to see him now

My family will be on high alert

I'm not sure how to handle this

Do I respect my mothers wishes and stay away?

Or do I do my own thing

And continue to see him?

As of yet

I really don't know 

Apologies for not replying to comments the last few days

Normal service resumes today

Life as we know it

It was last May when I began to get my life together

I had just started new meds

My depression finally lifted

My anxiety lessened considerably

And life as I know it began to improve

Sometimes it feels like it happened in spite of me

Like it happened to me

And I had nothing to do with it

But I made the changes 

So I know I had at least some part in it

Since last May  

A lot has happened 

I've regained wright to a healthy BMI

I went on a holiday

Which was harder than you might think

I gave up smoking

Which for me was massive

And I still think that could go belly up at any time

I don't take it for granted that I am out of the woods

Everyday I fight the urge to light up a smoke

It hasn't been easy

So yes

My life has changed a lot in the last few months

Ed wise

That has improved too

I've gone from purging 10-20 times a day

To 2-5 times a day

My day used to revolve around eating and purging

I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom

It was relentless

A living hell

I was stealing food from shops

Financially I couldn't keep up with the amount of food I was eating

I was consumed with guilt and shame

My relationship with my family was strained

I couldn't stop

My health was failing

I was falling apart

And I hated myself

I felt like such a failure

Such a waste of space

Such a burden to my family

And yet I couldn't stop

Even my dog was stressed to the max

And hey fur was falling out

Thankfully when I began to recover 

So did she

Even though things have drastically improved for me and my family

Everything is not perfect

I struggle to keep my food down

I struggle to eat proper meals

My self esteem changes from one day to the next

My body image is questionable

I battle guilt and shame

I mourn for the life I could have had

But I am grateful

Grateful to have made it to the age of 33 relatively unscathed

As my mother always says

Given what this family had been through

We are not doing too badly

I whole heartedly agree

Sometimes it seems that when I get one problem under control

Another pops up

I've struggled to stop weighing myself

And it's a constant battle to take my meds correctly

But I do consider myself to be in recovery

As I do want a better life

I do want to grow and learn and thrive

Amazing things have happened in the last few months

I feel stable and able

Stronger and more capable than I've frly in a long time

I've even had a bit of boy drama

Which has been a lot of fun

I think recovery is about constantly moving forward

Granted it may sometimes be one step forward and two steps back

But the important thing is to keep going

To keep putting one foot in front of the other

To get out of bed every morning

And live life the best way I know how

To keep doing the next right thing

To pick ourselves up after we fall

To fight

For our sanity

Our peace of mind

And for our lives 

To never give up

When I was really sick 

I had been that way for so long

I had forgotten what it felt like to feel good

I was so numb

An empty shell

The only things I felt were self hatred and guilt and shame

I wanted to disappear

I couldn't see the point of life

The point of my life

I spent most of my time running

From myself

From others

From life 

I just didn't see the point of me

In my eyes 

I was a waste of space

A parasite

 

Over the last few months

I've seen a glimpse of what my life could be like

How it's possible to feel good

To feel hopeful

And positive

To look forward to things

To enjoy the company of others

To feel comfortable in my own skin

To love

And to feel loved

To feel worthy

To wake up in the morning

And not dread the day ahead

To look in the mirror

And not hate what I see

To make friends 

To laugh

To feel 

To not feel afraid of life

To talk to strangers 

To smile 

To be able to accept a compliment

To feel alive 

This is all wonderful

But there is a part of me

Quite a big part of me

That is absolutely terrified

Scared witless

Frightened beyond belief

Of life

Life without my ED

Life without my addiction

Living life on life's terms

To an extent

I still very much hide

And my life is very limited

I wake up early every morning

Have my tea

I blog

I walk my dogs

I might see a friend

I might go shopping

I might do something with my sister

But apart from that

I don't do a whole lot

I don't work

I don't study

I don't go to meetings

Even though I know it would be good for me

Why?

Because I am afraid

Afraid of failing 

Afraid that peor won't like me

Or 'get' me

Afraid I'll do or say something silly 

Or that anxiety will prevent me from speaking at all

But the thing is

I want to do all these things

I want to go to meetings

I want to see friends

I want to date

I want to learn or study

I want to put myself out there

I'm just having a lot of trouble getting past my fear

Strangely 

I seem to be able to manage bigger tasks

Like giving up smoking

It's the little things that get me

Like meeting a friend

Or starting a course

These things seem impossible to me

Do I hide 

I hide in my house

I watch tv do I don't have to listen to my own negative and intrusive thoughts

I pretend that there isn't a whole big world out there

I cancel meeting friends because I can't get out the front door

I guess it is a confidence thing

I don't have a lot of self confidence 

Or belief in myself 

In fact

I have none

None at all

But I think this

What I am going through 

Is fairly normal for someone trying to recover

I've been out of real life for a long time

It's going to be an adjustment getting back in to things

Even though it is so very scary

I will keep going

I will keep fighting for a better life

What is the alternativ?

I was wondering about you 

Do you ever feel like this?

Afraid and overwhelmed

Scared and stuck?

Am I the only one?