After we came home from doing the Darkness into Light walk
We had breakfast
And my mum and sister went straight to bed
I wasn't feeling too bad
So I went in to town
Had a sun shower
Then met friends in the afternoon
I had been going through my wardrobe earlier in the week
And found some bits that were too small for me
So decided to give them to my friend Marie
She is smaller in height than me
So I thought they might fit her
I met Marie and two other guy friends in a coffee shop
I gave her the clothes
She asked me if they were too big for me
And said if they didn't fit me
They wouldn't fit her
I to get to try them anyway
As they are lovely trousers
I haven't heard yet
If they fit her or not
But I'm pretty sure they will
I'm feeling quite paranoid these days
I'm convinced that people don't like me
Even my own friends
Paranoia is a funny thing
I think it's a disease of perception
For instance
With the trousers
I was actually sorry I had given them to Marie
As I thought she might think that I was presuming she was bigger than me
When I actually meant the opposite
Also
As I was sitting with my three friends yesterday
I was thinking that none of them like me
And I was even looking for evidence to support that claim
I'm having a hard time accepting that people might actually like me
And might want to be my friend
And wonder of all wonders
Might want to spend time with me
Like yesterday
I spent most of the time with my friends
Thinking that they were taking the puss out of me
Or smirking and mailing faces behind my back
The rational part of me knows that this is ridiculous thinking
I mean why would they have invited me out if they didn't like me?
It's crazy thinking
But then
When have I ever claimed to be sane?
I guess when you don't like yourself very much
It's hard to believe that others do
I believe that I am socially disabled
I am convinced that I always say the wrong thing
Or put my foot in it
I'm shy
I'm awkward
I'm nervous in crowds
I second guess myself all the time
I over think things
And analyse everything
I tell ya
It's exhausting
It's draining
And it's such a waste of time and energy
I need to snap out of this
I came home from meeting my friends
The tiredness still hadn't hit me
Although mum and my sister were wrecked
We watched tv for the evening
I don't remember going to bed
But obviously I did go at some point
As I woke up in my bed this morning
The exhaustion finally caught up with me
And I felt like a bear with a sore head
I got up later than usual
And made tea and chocolate for breakfast
Yes chocolate
White chocolate in fact
Six squares
I know, I know
That is a bit strange
But then that's me all over
At least I ate something right?
I turned on the tv
And promptly fell back asleep where I sat
I felt like I was under water
And trying to wake up was like trying to break the surface of the water
Except the water was so heavy
I couldn't quite make it
After dozing for a while
I finally managed to wake up
I got dressed
Piled the dogs in to my car
And set off for town
It was lashing rain
So I decided to go for a sun shower
I'm probably brown enough
But I'm always thinking that it is fading
So I go again and again
I felt like the rain was easing up
So I went down to the beach
And went for a walk with the dogs
The rain got heavier and heavier
And we got absolutely soaked
We hurried back to the car
And headed home
I'm now sitting with a cup of hot tea
And watching Sunday morning tv
In other news
I am 9 months smoke free today
Which is huge for me!
I never thought that I would be able to give them up
It just goes to show
If I am determined enough
I can do anything I set my mind to
I plan to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day
After all
Sunday is the day of rest
Hope you enjoy your Sunday too
See you on the next post......