Once bitten, twice shy....

As you know

I am back going to meetings

After years of avoiding them

And years of being in and out of the rooms

Meetings are great

There is something magical about gathering together with a group of like minded people

All striving for the same goal

All fighting for sobriety

There are some people in the rooms with fantastic recovery

But unfortunately there are also some very unwell people there too

The thing with NA or AA is that they are completely open

Anyone can walk in

Sit down

Listen to others share

And even share themselves

So there are people from every walk of life

Poor people 

Rich people 

People who are still using or drinking

People who want to get well

People who don't 

People who go to meetings just to get the courts or family off their back

Of course there are people who are there to get well

But some people do have a hidden agenda

It's not uncommon for people to swap phone numbers at meetings

It's good to have a network of people who you can call when times are tough

So recently I have swapped numbers with quite a few people

And thought nothing off

I was a bit wary about giving my number to two men in particular

But they asked

And I am too polite to say no

But boy am I sorry 

These two men are at almost every meeting I go to

And from what I can tell

They live in their own little worlds 

One of the men rings me quite a lot

The first few times I answered

But have now stopped

As when I am talking to him

It's very hard to get away from him

Although I must admit

Sometimes he can be very nice

Like the day he rang me up to let me know that 'someone cares'

And last night he left a message on my voice mail telling me that he 'appreciates me being on the planet' 

And that I contribute to his life

That's all fine and dandy

But he can also be very inappropriate

Like when he asked me about his girlfriend

Who is 53 

And thinks she might pregnant????

Then asking me if it's common to want sex more when you are pregnant 

I mean that is just going too far in my opinion

He seems to have no clue that he is being really inappropriate

This guy is not well

From taking too many drugs

He is extremely paranoid 

And quite clingy

He's a nice guy and all

But he's someone that I don't really want to engage with a lot

Maybe that's mean

But I have to look after myself 

And my sobriety

I know that he has upset a lot of members of AA

And a lot of people don't have any time for him 

So I guess if I stop answering his calls

He will stop ringing me

The other guy who I gave my number too is also a grade A head the ball

At first

He was sending me innocent texts

Just asking how I am and such

I answered 

But did not get in to a conversation with him

Then a couple of days ago

He texted me to say that he was full of guilt and shame after lusting after women

And went on to talk about Internet porn and the like

This is the same guy who accosted me at my first meeting 

And described how he couldn't stop master bating 

I mean hello?

How inappropriate and creepy is that?

Very if you ask me

They say at meetings

That you should stick with the winners

In other words stay around the people who are well

And who have good recovery 

That makes sense

And I do engage with these people

But others who are not recovery orientated are hard to avoid

And me being me

I find it really difficult to be assertive

I was speaking to Breda about this on Tuesday

She gave me some advice on how to deal with these people

And also made the point that I have a warm personality 

And others might think I am an easy target 

And take advantage of me

This also makes sense to me

If I had any sort of a backbone

I would have told these  guys that their behaviour was out of order

 And so inappropriate 

But I just don't have the confidence to do that 

Although I'm going to have to set these guys straight 

And make clear boundaries

Because right now people are walking all over me

And I don't like it

I guess this is something that I can practise

And as my self esteem grows 

Do will my confidence 

And belief in myself

I was wondering about you

Are you confident, assertive and able to stand up for yourself?

What do you think I should do about this situation?

#Break The Stigma

I was contacted by Megan from Northwestern University

Megan and her colleagues launched the Break The Stigma campaign this week

To raise awareness around mental health issues 

And the stigmas attached to them

So this post is about how I break the stigma

I guess I am part of a community of bloggers

That blog honestly and openly about how our mental health issues affect us

In my case it is anorexia, bulimia, depression and anxiety and addiction

My goal from the start was to tell the truth about what it's really like to live with these conditions

I think stigmas stem from a lack of education around mental health

And people fear what they don't understand 

Depression and suicide are a huge problem in my country

And around the world 

Through my blog

I hope that people will get an insight in to what these issues are really about

That there is no need to be afraid 

Knowledge is power

I hope that through this campaign

And the hard work of advocates all around the world

We can put an end to the negative stigmas that persist

How do you break the stigma?

http://counseling.northwestern.edu/announcing-the-breakthestigma-campaig 

'See you on Friday'

It was this morning

Doctor day as usual

I was in and out quickly

As I had the first appointment

Quick chat with my doctor

Then collected my meds

And headed down to the beach to meet my sister who was walking the dogs

We went to the supermarket

And bought soda bread Apple turnovers

Before driving home

I changed into a comfortable tracksuit

I had already taken my meds in the car on the way home

 I'm so used to taking my methadone 

That I can measure it in swigs from the bottle

And don't need to measure it anymore

I gave the dogs a treat before their nap

I made a cup of tea for me and my sister

She had her apple turnover

I decided to keep move until later 

I was taking my tea in to the living room to go and blog

When my sister said to me

'See you on Friday'

I stopped and looked at her

I wasn't sure what she meant

My mum laughed

But I wasn't getting the joke

I asked her what she meant

She gave me a knowing look

Then I realised

'Do you think I'll be out of it until Friday?' I asked her

She nodded 

I looked at my mum again

'Do you think that too?'

'Well in my experience you will be out of it until at least Thursday' she replied

I was a bit taken a back 

But I continued on my way in to the living room

I know they were making a joke

But I think there is truth in jest

It's true

On Mondays I am not very present

I take my meds as prescribed on a Monday

But I call Monday my 'Day off life'

As I usually sleep for most of Monday 

I can't lie

During the week 

I do misuse my meds 

To get out of my own head 

To escape 

To sleep

To opt out 

I know this is not good

And in a lot of ways 

I might as well be using 

As I am taking mind altering substances

I try to keep myself in a state where I can fall asleep at any time

So any time of the day

I can check off the planet

If I am bored 

If I am lonely

Or sad

Or afraid 

I can just close my eyes 

And drift away

I am on five different medications

Including the controlled substance methadone

I'm also on two anti depressants 

And two anti anxiety meds

They have accumulated over the years

It seems every time I hit a crisis

The powers that be increase my meds

If I am completely honest

Meds are not the answer

They are a quick fix

But it's like putting a bandage on a broken leg

It might ease the pain

But it won't cure it at all

I can remember when I was about 12

I complained to my mum that I couldn't sleep 

She brought me to the doctor

And I can distinctly remember hoping that the doctor would put me on sleeping tablets

At 12 years old

Of course he didn't

And I was bitterly disappointed

Since then

I've always looked to pills to cure my ills

And of course this type of thinking contributed to my becoming addicted to drugs 

Then while hospitalised over the years

I can remember looking at other patients collecting their sleeping tablets

And being really jealous

Again

I complained to the doctors that couldn't sleep

And I was promptly put on a sleeper

No questions asked 

I'm not quite sure why I find reality and life so difficult 

I find the days really long 

And tedious 

And boring 

I do have something on every day

And I try and stick to a routine 

But there are many hours to kill

And I tend to do that by knocking myself out and sleeping

Come September

I am starting a part time course

So I really want to get on top of this before then

And also this summer

I am going to ask my local dog kennels 

If I can go out a couple of days a week

I think that would be good for me

And will occupy my days

The other reason I want to escape

Is my thinking

My thinking exhausts me

The negativity over over analysing can be relentless 

I hate it so much

And so the option to escape becomes increasingly attractive

Meetings help with this 

But only to a point

Escaping doesn't solve the problem 

It just postpones it

The. Minute my meds west off

It's back to the merry-go-round of negative thinking

I know that I need to get on top of this 

If I want to move forward in my recovery 

If I want a life

A job

A family 

I need to be 100% sober

It's not easy

But it has to be done if I want any semblance of a normal life

Drugs are a dead end 

The only result of taking drugs are jails, institutions and death

I don't want any of those 

Not at all

I need to get my shit together

Ands the sooner the better 

The day of rest.....

Yesterday

After we came home from doing the Darkness into Light walk

We had breakfast

And my mum and sister went straight to bed

I wasn't feeling too bad

So I went in to town 

Had a sun shower

Then met friends in the afternoon

I had been going through my wardrobe earlier in the week

And found some bits that were too small for me

So decided to give them to my friend Marie

She is smaller in height than me

So I thought they might fit her

I met Marie and two other guy friends in a coffee shop

I gave her the clothes

She asked me if they were too big for me

And said if they didn't fit me

They wouldn't fit her

I to get to try them anyway

As they are lovely trousers

I haven't heard yet 

If they fit her or not

But I'm pretty sure they will

I'm feeling quite paranoid these days

I'm convinced that people don't like me

Even my own friends

Paranoia is a funny thing

I think it's a disease of perception

For instance

With the trousers 

I was actually sorry I had given them to Marie

As I thought she might think that I was presuming she was bigger than me

When I actually meant the opposite

Also 

As I was sitting with my three friends yesterday

I was thinking that none of them like me

And I was even looking for evidence to support that claim

I'm having a hard time accepting that people might actually like me

And might want to be my friend

And wonder of all wonders

Might want to spend time with me

Like yesterday

I spent most of the time with my friends 

Thinking that they were taking the puss out of me

Or smirking and mailing faces behind my back

The rational part of me knows that this is ridiculous thinking

I mean why would they have invited me out if they didn't like me?

It's crazy thinking

But then

When have I ever claimed to be sane?

I guess when you don't like yourself very much

It's hard to believe that others do

I believe that I am socially disabled

I am convinced that I always say the wrong thing

Or put my foot in it

I'm shy

I'm awkward 

I'm nervous in crowds

I second guess myself all the time

I over think things

And analyse everything

I tell ya 

It's exhausting

It's draining

And it's such a waste of time and energy

I need to snap out of this

I came home from meeting my friends

The tiredness still hadn't hit me

Although mum and my sister were wrecked

We watched tv for the evening

I don't remember going to bed

But obviously I did go at some point

As I woke up in my bed this morning

The exhaustion finally caught up with me

And I felt like a bear with a sore head

I got up later than usual

And made tea and chocolate for breakfast

Yes chocolate

White chocolate in fact

Six squares

I know, I know

That is a bit strange

But then that's me all over

At least I ate something right?

I turned on the tv

And promptly fell back asleep where I sat

I felt like I was under water

And trying to wake up was like trying to break the surface of the water

Except the water was so heavy

I couldn't quite make it

After dozing for a while

I finally managed to wake up

I got dressed

Piled the dogs in to my car

And set off for town

It was lashing rain

So I decided to go for a sun shower 

I'm probably brown enough

But I'm always thinking that it is fading

So I go again and again

I felt like the rain was easing up

So I went down to the beach

And went for a walk with the dogs

The rain got heavier and heavier

And we got absolutely soaked 

We hurried back to the car 

And headed home

I'm now sitting with a cup of hot tea

And watching Sunday morning tv

In other news

I am 9 months smoke free today

Which is huge for me!

I never thought that I would be able to give them up 

It just goes to show 

If I am determined enough

I can do anything I set my mind to

I plan to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day

After all

Sunday is the day of rest 

Hope you enjoy your Sunday too

See you on the next post......

Darkness To Light

This morning

Very early this morning

My mum, my sister and Honey and Lea and I all took part in the Pieta House 5km walk

We got up at 2 30am

After only a couple of hours sleep 

Braved the cold and the rain 

And headed in to town

Where the walk was starting at 4 15am

The idea was to start the walk in the darkness

And to finish just as dawn was breaking

It was very symbolic and poignant

There was a massive turn out 

The biggest yet

And it was amazing to be a part of it

As it's such a worthwhile cause

We all stayed at the back because Lea gets nervous in crowds

We were one of the last to finish in the end

My only complaint was that there was no tea or coffee left when we got back

We were cold and wet

So a cuppa would have been nice

But anyway

A good time was had by all

I am now back home

In clean dry clothes

With a cup of tea in my hand

My sister is cooking breakfast

And Honey and Lea are gone back to bed

Here are done photos from this morning.....

General Update

It's Friday 

And I am getting browner by the day

I just signed up to my second round of one hundred minutes on the sun shower

And even bought tan accelerator lotion 

Which cost €28 

And better be bloody worth it

During the summer

A tan is essential for me

It's the only way I can face wearing less clothes

I live in Ireland 

So I'm probably being presumptuous thinking that the weather will be good

But

I live in hope that the sun will shine

And I will have to peel the layers of clothes off me

I can compare tanning to an eating disorder

You know the way when you are in the grip of the illness?

And you are losing weight

I know I used to always tell myself 

Just ten more pounds

Just five more pounds

Just two more

Well it's similar with tanning

I think to myself

I just want to get a little bit browner

Just a teeny weeny little bit

The goal posts are always shifting

And you never get to a place where you are happy

You always want to push it that bit further

In other news

My weight seems to have stabilised 

At a BMI of 19-20

I can live with that

I can handle it

When I was a lot thinner

A BMI of 19 was the worst thing I could think of

And the funny thing is

That I now feel smaller than I did when I had a BMI of 13

Go figure

I am still reeling from the news of that guy  who died 

I was in touch with a school friend

Who told me that this guy was just out of rehab

And had relapsed days after leaving

That's the thing with relapsing

After being clean got done time

We become opiate naive

Which means that our tolerance is very low

And do the risk of overdosing massively increases

I know this guy has been struggling with addiction for a long time

And now drugs have claimed another young life

It's just not right 

He would have been around the same age as me

His younger sister was in my class in school

It's just so sad 

As I know his family fought endlessly to get him clean

But unfortunately 

Others can't get clean for us

They can't get us well

It has to come from the person

I know that if love and support could  have got me clean

I would have gotten well a long time ago

I'm still attending meetings

And have swapped numbers with some members 

The thing about meetings 

Is that they are open to anyone

Anyone who wants to get clean and sober

There can be a lot of sick people in those rooms

Heck even I'm sick

There are people  who have an agenda

Or who just want to hook up

They say that we should stick with the winners 

People who are doing well 

And who have good recovery behind them

So that's what I try to do

I think that you get back what you put out

Do if you are sending out vibes that you use

Then you will attract that kind of person

And if you project that you are clean and sober 

I think you attract that kind of person too

My anxiety seems to have lessened an awful lot

It really was taking over my life

And effecting everything I did

It's a horrible place to be in 

And fear and paranoia are best buds with anxiety 

I'm not sure why 

But in the last few days 

I feel more grounded

More steady

Stable

I feel a bit stronger in myself

More able to cope

The relief is massive 

The fact that I can talk to someone 

Or drive somewhere

Without the feeling that I am going to have a complete meltdown 

Is a freakin' miracle people!

I tell ya 

It has transformed my whole life

And it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders 

Like I can breathe again

And that in turn has hugely helped my confidence

The fact that I can get on with my day and not feel like I want to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room and cry like a hungry baby

It's progress

I'm moving in the right direction 

At least I think I am

Tonight 

As in tomorrow morning 

At 4 15am

The annual Pieta House 5km darkness to light walk is on

You might remember that I did this walk with my mum last year

Pieta House deals with people who are suicidal or self harming 

They provide their services got free and they are based all over the world

And the walk takes place every year

The walk starts at 4 15am

In the pitch dark 

And as we walk the light seeps in

The birds begin to sing

And it's very poignant

And very moving

I love to do this walk 

As Pieta House provide such a great service

And suicide is a huge problem in this country

Especially with young men

I think most of us have been affected by suicide 

Whether we know someone who has attempted to end their life

Or maybe we ourselves have attempted

So I think it's a really worthwhile cause to support

Even though we will have to get up at 3am

I still don't mind

If it helps some one 

Then it is more than worth it

And yes

I will post photos of said walk tomorrow

That's all from me today   

Enjoy your Friday x

Clothes Post #19

I picked up some clothes this week

As I needed an outfit for a birthday I'm attending next month 

The skirt below is Brakeburn

And the top is Protest

The hoody is Superdry

And the shoes are also Brakeburn

I am thinking of wearing the blue skirt and top to the party

The party has a hat theme

So I will have to get one at some point

I will definitely need help with that one

As I know precious little about hats

So if you have any ideas

About what kind of hat would suit me

I'd love to hear your suggestions....