What I eat

Contrary to popular belief

People with eating disorders do like food

Speaking only for myself

I love food

I mean really love it

God help the person that comes between me and my food

I tend to go through phases of eating a certain food

I become slightly obsessed with said food

And eat it until I move on to the next obsession

At the moment 

My foods are salt and vinegar Hunky Dory chips

And Nestle Milkybars

I literally eat them all day long

I go through five family size Milkybars a day

And two family size packs of chips

And I would eat more if there was more

But I try on out a limit on it

I don't eat breakfast 

And if I do 

It's a few squares of chocolate

I don't really eat lunch either

Preferring to snack on my favourite foods

I do eat dinner though

I love dinner 

Today I am making beef stew

It's only 11am 

And I am already looking forward to it

I can get slightly obsessed over my dinner too

And like to know way in advance what I am having

So I tend to drive my family nuts 

Asking them what is for dinner like two days in advance 

I don't profess to be the healthiest person in the world

And I am no poster girl for recovery

You are probably wondering how I am not 300 pounds if I eat all that junk food

Well

The simple answer to that

Is that not everything that goes down stays down

Yes

I admit it

I do purge still

In fact it never went away

And I'm not sure if it ever will

As you know up until about a year ago

I was binging and purging up to 20 times a day

It was off the scale 

Yes my bulimia had improved a lot

But I still purge 2-5 times a day

Which by anyone's standards is still a lot 

But for me it's progress

The thing is

I am starting to wonder if this is as good as it gets for me?

Is this recovery?

Am I destined to always have my ED in my life?

Managing it but never quite getting on top of it?

I mean 

I am the best I've been in a long time 

Eating disorder wise

But I know things could be a lot better

The way things are

I have one foot in my ED

And one foot in recovery 

Stuck somewhere in the middle

Not committing to either one

And the other thing is 

I'm not sure if I want to leg go completely of my ED

I mean

I am quite content the way things are

But maybe I am fooling myself 

I don't quite know

I was sharing at a meeting the other day

How my base mood level is lower than average

In that my everyday mood is lower than the average person 

My tendency is to be negative

Think negatively 

I've a tendency to be maudlin and morose 

I'm not a naturally happy or optimistic person 

I'm not happy all the time

I get glimpses of it from time to time

But it is not a constant thing 

So feeling the way I am now is good

For me

I'm seeing Mary tomorrow

So I will talk to her about this 

Although I know what she will say

That full and complete recovery is possible

And that I can live a life without my ED

I'm not convinced 

But I won't rule it out

I was wondering about you

Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?

What does recovery mean to you?

Do you think that complete recovery is possible?

I'd love to know ....

The Plumber

Some of you noticed that I mentioned a new Boy in my last post

So I guess I better explain

Just so you know

The new boy 

Who from here on in shall be known as The Plumber

Has absolutely nothing to do The Boy

Who is no longer part of my life

As you know

I have a neighbour who I do little jobs for

I'm over in her house a few times a week

A couple of months ago 

She told me about her plumber

And that he was a lovely guy

And very attractive

I hadn't seen him

So I paid little attention to it

But then last week

He was back at my neighbours house

Honey and Lea were out in the garden

Barking their heads off

So I went out to see what the commotion was

It was The Plumber

I apologised to him

And brought the dogs in

He said not to worry

I didn't get a proper look at him

But I did notice that he was tall and well built with dark hair

I went back inside

And didn't give it another thought

The following morning

I was over in my neighbours house

Chatting to my neighbour

She asked me if I had seen The plumber 

I said I'd had a quick look at him

My neighbour had a mischievous look on her face

As she told me that she had done a little investigation work

She proceeded to tell me that she had asked this guy was married

He said he wasn't 

Or if he has a girlfriend 

He hasn't 

He then asked her what was with all the questions

She told him that she was asking for a 'friend'

I was mortified that she had done this

She then told me that The Plumber said to her that he is approachable

What does that mean people????

My neighbour was having a great laugh to herself telling me all of this

She thought herself especially funny when she told me that he might let me 'hold his pliers'

I want to say I was shocked when she said this 

But I wasn't 

She is always up to mischief

I left my neighbours

And headed home

Where I told my mum and sister what had happened

They thought it was hilarious

And got great mileage out of it slagging me off

Telling me that he can 'fix my pipes' and the like ........

Now everytime I put nice clothes on

Or put make up on

They're all 'Is that for the Plumbr?'

I wish I'd kept my mouth shut

Anyway

That's the story behind that

I'm not really looking for love

If it happens

Well and good

But I  happy enough the way things are

I mean I haven't even had a proper look at this guy

I wouldn't be able to pick him out in a line up

I guess it's of my neighbour

But I don't know if she's doing it for her own amuse  

Or if she really is trying to set me up

I am going to be so embarrassed if I see this guy again

As I'm pretty sure he will figure out who my neighbour was talking about

It's been so long since I had a boyfriend

I mean it's almost been a decade since I was in a relationship

I guess I've been too busy trying to kill myself

I forget what it's like to be someone's girlfriend

I was speaking with my sister the other day

She is a seriel monogomoust

Bouncing from relationship to relationship

She tells me that she doesn't like being alone

Where as I don't mind it so much

I mean I can't imagine sharing a bed with someone 

Having to turn off the light when they want to

Having them hog the duvet

I have a double bed

And I like to sleep diagonally across it

So there's not much room for anyone else

I suppose it's been so long since I've shared my life with someone

And you don't miss what you don't have

But I will keep my eye out for The Plumber.....

Today

Wearing: Blue jeans, blue and white hoody, Roxy high tops

Weighing: not weighing any more

Drinking: Hot sweet tea

Eating: Hunky Dory salt and vinegar crisps

Listening to: Aluna George

Going to: See my doctor

Watching: Undercover Boss

Talking about: Recovery and what else I can do to help myself get better

Feeling: Hopeful, optimistic

Taking: Methadone, Prozac, Olanzapibe, Mirtazapine

Wearing: New glasses

Thinking about: A certain boy (Not The Boy)

Going to: Walk my dogs 

Hoping: To get to a meeting later

Loving: Feeling free from the compulsion to use

Worrying about: What my weight is

Letting go of: Anxiety by telling myself that everything is exactly as it should be

Realising that: I am a good person

Afraid that: My life will never amount to anything

Reading: shopaholic to the stars by Sophie Kinsella

Wearing my hair: In a top knot 

Wondering: If I will ever meet someone 

What are you up to today?

It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you

Over the last couple of months

My world has got a lot bigger and broader 

Rewind 18 months and I am just out of treatment

Feeling afraid

Hopeless

And utterly distraught

Not knowing where to turn

So I chose the only option I had left 

Death

And tried to overdose on my meds

Thankfully I didn't die

Although at the time I was so angry to wake up

Mary intervened when I told her the following week

She really jumped in to action

I saw my doctor and my psychiatrists 

My meds were changed

Olanzapine (anti anxiety) was increased

And another anti depressant was introduced (Prozac)

Then it was a waiting game

To see if the change in meds would work

To see how long I could hold on before losing my shit and my mind again

I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened 

I know it was around April last year 

My mood began to lift

In a really noticeable way

My anxiety lessened

And when I woke up in the morning

I wasn't dreading the day ahead

I can remember standing in the shower on day

And feeling bigger

I stood on the scales

And I had begun to gain weight

At first it was soul destroying 

I couldn't stand myself

But then I began to see the benefits of weight gain

Feeling better

More clear minded

Happier

More energetic

Granted 

My weight increased to a point where I was comfortable 

To about 138 pounds 

It didn't suit me

And I continued to gain weight after I gave up smoking

And then

Suddenly 

Just as quickly as I gained the weight 

I began to lose it again

And my weight is now stable at 117-120 pounds

I can just about live with that

So much has happened in the last year

I got my teeth done

I gave  up smoking 

I had my toes done

I got glasses

But I still felt like something was missing

I wasn't feeling great around Christmas time

And soon after

I relapsed on drugs

That lasted about five weeks

I hurt many people

Including myself

Lost some people for good 

Almost lost my family

It was an horrific time

There was such a horrible atmosphere at home

I had to do something to get back on track

So I went back to meetings

And began seeing an addiction counsellor

And so my cocooned little world began to expand

I had a lot of help

My long suffering family

My best friend Marie

And all the professionals that I see

It is a joint effort

And everyone plays a crucial part

I am now meeting and seeing a lot of people

And this causes me massive anxiety

My confidence has taken such a battering recently 

And my self esteem is on the floor 

I am still trying to like myself

Never mind love myself

And I always presume that people don't like me

My mother and sister tell me that I am paranoid

But I'm not convinced 

I get a notion in my head

That someone doesn't like me

And then I look for evidence to support this

And disregard any evidence that they do like me

I've been seeing this girl around

She is a friend of Marie's

I was convinced that this girl didn't like me

And seeing her was becoming an ordeal

Then one day Marie told me that this girl was asking after me

I was really surprised

And then she sent me a friend request on Facebook

I was even more surprised

It really meant a lot 

Like she was asking me to be her friend

And letting me know that she likes me

It's the little things people

I guess it's because I don't like myself very much

That I can't understand why anyone else would like

I really feel that bad about myself

Yesterday I got a text from another girl 

Inviting me to a meal out with the NA crowd 

To celebrate a members ten year clean time

Again I was really surprised that I was invited

That it even occurred to this girl to include me 

It's a sad situation that I feel this low about myself 

But I do

I've spoken to Mary about this

And she assures me that if I keep doing what I'm doing

Then my confidence and self esteem will improve

I sincerely hope it does

Because it's just horrible feeling this way

To be so hyper sensitive

And to hate on myself so much

And the thing is

I think it takes quite a lot for me not to like someone

I get on with most people

And I love meeting new people

And making new friends

But my paranoia gets in the way of forming long lasting friendships

I always feel like I say the wrong thing

Or put my foot in it

And then spend weeks beating myself up about it

I bully myself in a lot of ways

Even here on blogger

I am always blown away by the kind an thoughtful comments that people write here every single day

The friends that I have made here mean so much to me

Do much more than you will ever know

I truly value and treasure each and everyone of you

And to be welcomed in to this community with open arms has warned my heart over and over again

This is the reason that I used drugs 

And my ED

Because I couldn't stand myself

Because I hated the person I was

Because I felt useless and hopeless

Because I had zero confidence 

And not an iota of self belief 

So trying to navigate through life without these crutches is not an easy task

I know have to find new and healthy ways of coping 

By attending meetings

Talking to friends who are in recovery

By being gentle with myself

And bring kind to myself

It's all so new

But I am doing my best to keep my mind and body relatively well

I've had a couple of comments recently

That I look like I am losing weight again

But in fact my weight is more stable than its been in years

I don't think I am losing weight

I think it's just that my weight is settling

And it's only now becoming noticeable 

In spite of the way I am feeling

I will plough on

I'm not about to give up

On you or myself

I have way too much to lose now

I am hoping and praying

That my perception of myself will improve

It sure as hell can't get any worse

Do I will continue to fight 

To fight for a better life

For peace of mind

For a happy mind and body

I'll do it for my family 

For Honey and Lea

Who rely on me so much

And who I refuse to let down 

And for myself 

There is just no other option right now

I was wondering about you

Have you ever suffered with a lack of confidence?

How did you deal with it?

What helped you find your confidence?

Do you ever experience paranoia? 

What helped you overcome this?

Do let me know if you have any tips or advice in this regard

Should have gone to spec savers.....

And in fact I did

Rewind to Wednesday

I finally made an appointment to get my eyes tested

After much time straining to see things that are far away

Like my teeth

My eyes went without care or attention for most of my 33 years

So during the week

I made my way to spec savers with my sister

And had the long overdue test

As it turned out

I do need glasses 

Long sighted I think they call it

So I was told to go and pick frames

And my glasses would be ready Saturday 

It didn't take me long to pick frames

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a quick shopper

Get in and get out as fast as possible

That's my motto

Anyway

Here they are....

Psych central

I recieved an email last week

From John from the site psych central.com

John informed me that this blog had been chosen as one of the top 10 eating disorder blogs of the year

I was thrilled to get this news

As sometimes I wonder about my blog

And if it's doing any good to help the plight of the eating disordered person

I started writing my blog for me

But I continue to write it for you

I try to write as honestly and as openly as I can

To speak the truth about life with a mental illness

Of course my blog benefits me

And I would write whether one person reads or 1000 people read

But I also write in the hope that my blog helps others

That it contributes to this community

And goes some way to fighting the war against this illness

If you want to check out the top 10 blogs

Here is the link

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/04/26/top-10-eating-disorder-blogs-2015/

Once bitten, twice shy....

As you know

I am back going to meetings

After years of avoiding them

And years of being in and out of the rooms

Meetings are great

There is something magical about gathering together with a group of like minded people

All striving for the same goal

All fighting for sobriety

There are some people in the rooms with fantastic recovery

But unfortunately there are also some very unwell people there too

The thing with NA or AA is that they are completely open

Anyone can walk in

Sit down

Listen to others share

And even share themselves

So there are people from every walk of life

Poor people 

Rich people 

People who are still using or drinking

People who want to get well

People who don't 

People who go to meetings just to get the courts or family off their back

Of course there are people who are there to get well

But some people do have a hidden agenda

It's not uncommon for people to swap phone numbers at meetings

It's good to have a network of people who you can call when times are tough

So recently I have swapped numbers with quite a few people

And thought nothing off

I was a bit wary about giving my number to two men in particular

But they asked

And I am too polite to say no

But boy am I sorry 

These two men are at almost every meeting I go to

And from what I can tell

They live in their own little worlds 

One of the men rings me quite a lot

The first few times I answered

But have now stopped

As when I am talking to him

It's very hard to get away from him

Although I must admit

Sometimes he can be very nice

Like the day he rang me up to let me know that 'someone cares'

And last night he left a message on my voice mail telling me that he 'appreciates me being on the planet' 

And that I contribute to his life

That's all fine and dandy

But he can also be very inappropriate

Like when he asked me about his girlfriend

Who is 53 

And thinks she might pregnant????

Then asking me if it's common to want sex more when you are pregnant 

I mean that is just going too far in my opinion

He seems to have no clue that he is being really inappropriate

This guy is not well

From taking too many drugs

He is extremely paranoid 

And quite clingy

He's a nice guy and all

But he's someone that I don't really want to engage with a lot

Maybe that's mean

But I have to look after myself 

And my sobriety

I know that he has upset a lot of members of AA

And a lot of people don't have any time for him 

So I guess if I stop answering his calls

He will stop ringing me

The other guy who I gave my number too is also a grade A head the ball

At first

He was sending me innocent texts

Just asking how I am and such

I answered 

But did not get in to a conversation with him

Then a couple of days ago

He texted me to say that he was full of guilt and shame after lusting after women

And went on to talk about Internet porn and the like

This is the same guy who accosted me at my first meeting 

And described how he couldn't stop master bating 

I mean hello?

How inappropriate and creepy is that?

Very if you ask me

They say at meetings

That you should stick with the winners

In other words stay around the people who are well

And who have good recovery 

That makes sense

And I do engage with these people

But others who are not recovery orientated are hard to avoid

And me being me

I find it really difficult to be assertive

I was speaking to Breda about this on Tuesday

She gave me some advice on how to deal with these people

And also made the point that I have a warm personality 

And others might think I am an easy target 

And take advantage of me

This also makes sense to me

If I had any sort of a backbone

I would have told these  guys that their behaviour was out of order

 And so inappropriate 

But I just don't have the confidence to do that 

Although I'm going to have to set these guys straight 

And make clear boundaries

Because right now people are walking all over me

And I don't like it

I guess this is something that I can practise

And as my self esteem grows 

Do will my confidence 

And belief in myself

I was wondering about you

Are you confident, assertive and able to stand up for yourself?

What do you think I should do about this situation?