The ugly truth

I tried writing a post about something else earlier

But 

In truth 

My thoughts are still consumed with what happened on Thursday 

I still can't quite believe that it happened 

And how close I came to really getting in to trouble with the law

It still feels like a bad dream

Like I'm going to wake up any minute now

But unfortunately 

It did happen

And there's nothing I can do to change that

I had been in hiding since Thursday

Only venturing out to go to my meetings

But today

I decided to bite the bullet

And head in to the town where it happened 

I shit you not

I was so nervous

Every person I passed

I wondered if they knew what I had done 

I was paranoid to the hilt 

Thinking I could hear whispers of 

There she is 

That's her 

That's the girl that was caught shoplifting

But I really wanted to face my demons

And I brought my dogs for their usual hour long walk

I even went in to the shop where the shop owner stopped me

No comments were passed 

But then it was weekend staff that were on

And the only thing the shop assistant said to me was asking me if I'd been away as I had a great colour

I left the shop

And decided to go to the leisure centre to use the sun bed

That meant that I had to walk through the hotel that was right beside the shop where it happened 

I walked quickly

Wanting to get in and out as fast as possible

My heart started to thump when I saw a girl with blonde hair exit the hotel

For a second I was sure it was her

But when I looked closer 

It wasn't her

I breathed a sigh of relief

And continued in to the hotel 

It sucks that I can't go in to that shop anymore

As it was my favourite shop

And I buy things in there quite often

But now I am effectively barred

And that is not a nice feeling

As I wrote yesterday

I had written the shop owner a letter

I haven't sent it in to the shop yet

As I think I am going to re write it

To explain in a bit more detail

As you know 

I have struggled massively with shoplifting over the years

It's tied up in my ED 

First it was food

Then clothes and other items 

In all the years I was doing it

I was never once caught

Up until now that is

I remember being in treatment

And other girls talking about their shoplifting 

I was so glad that I wasn't the only one

As I had come to the conclusion that I was a bad person

Who did bad things

I also remember being at a meeting a long time ago

A woman shared that she had been caught shoplifting the previous day

And was feeling really ashamed

The girl who shared after her told her that it was a blessing in disguise

Because now she would never do that again

It's a lesson hard learned 

I have well and truly learned my lesson

I was shopping today

And sometimes I would skip something in to my bag

Well not today

And never again

I will never forget that feeling of someone tipping me on the back and saying 'Excuse me, did you take something?'

I never want to go through that again

I still don't know the damage I've done

I don't know how many people that girl has told 

I don't know how blackened my name is

I guess time will tell

Even though I feel huge shame about what I did

There was never a question in my mind that I would share this experience with my readers

My blog is all about telling the ugly truth of what it's like to live with an ED and addiction

And everything that goes with that

It was easy writing that post on Thursday

I mean who wants to admit that they were caught stealing?

I didn't go it so it would make for interesting reading 

I didn't do it because I have no money

I did it because part of me is still very unwell

Because my thinking and behaviours can still be very disordered 

I know I have a long way to go

And a lot of work still to do 

I am a flawed individual

Very flawed 

I make mistakes on a daily basis 

I fuck up regularly 

But I know that

Deep down

In my heart

And in my soul 

That I am not a bad person 

And it's not my intention to hurt anyone

I would much rather hurt myself that anyone else

I try to be a good person 

I really do

I love my family and friends to pieces

Am fiercely loyal

And would do anything for them

However sometimes

Against my better judgement 

I do stupid things

Really stupid things

I guess the trick is to learn from these mistakes

Move on

And not spend the rest of my natural life beating myself up

Easier said than done

But it must be done

Or else guilt and shame will fester and eat me up

So that's what I will do 

I will take the learning

And never repeat that mistake again

In fact

It is much easier to be honest

To live an honest life

Being untrue or deceitful is hard work

And you're always looking over your shoulder

Hoping and praying you won't be caught

It's no life really

As I am shown time and time again

I have the most amazing people around me

My family 

My friends

My dogs

And all my beautiful ladies here

Who never fail to rally around when times aw tough

Thank you for that

It means more than you will ever know

Thank you

All my love,

Ruby x

FB

I'm not hugely technically minded

I know enough to get by

But there is awful lot that I don't know

When I first started blogging

It took me quite a while to get used to blogger

A lot of it was trial and error

When I was blogging over on Wordpress

I never quite got used to the dashboard 

And so came back to blogger

To and then she disappeared

Like I always do

As this blog feels like home 

Apart from my blog

I don't really use social media

No Tumblr

No Instagram

No Twitter

Not even Facebook

I do have a FB account

But I think I might have posted twice in my whole life

And I do use it to message people

Or sometimes I have a scroll through my news feed

Sometimes there is something funny or inspiring

But most of the time it's random stuff that people post

I guess I use my blog to let people know what is going on my life

Looking at FB has the power to depress me

Sometimes it seems that everyone is leading this amazing adventure of a life

Photos of everyone dressed up 

Drinks in hand

Smiles on faces

Or photos of their little ones doing something super cute

Couples walking hand in hand on the beach

Someone getting married

Someone else on holiday in Italy

Facebook would have me believe that everyone is living life to the Pepsi Max

A stark reminder that I am not

So that's the main reason I avoid FB

As you know 

I blog everyday

I like to write everyday 

As it helps give my day some structure

I know it's not always riveting stuff

But there is always some little drama playing out

I was wondering about you

Do you use social media?

Which ones do you use and why?

Is there a reason you do/don't use it?

The calm after the storm

Yesterday is over

Thank God that yesterday is over 

It is no longer the day that I was caught shoplifting

I swear it was like a nightmare

I kept waiting to wake

And realise that it was all a bad dream

I often have dreams like that 

That I used

Or drank

Or smoked

And then woke up to sweet relief that it was all a dream

But this wasn't a dream 

It was real 

I made the choice to take that top

And walk out of that shop

I have no excuse

No plausible reason for doing this

I did it because I wanted the top

It was as simple and as stupid as that

I went to two meetings yesterday

The first was an AA meeting

I wasn't going to say anything at the meeting 

But it was a small one so I decided to share

I got very upset while speaking

As the weight of what had happened sat on my shoulders

Everyone was great

Told me not to best myself on

To learn from this and move on

The general consensus was that no one is a saint

And we all have moments of madness and do stupid things 

One of the women even offered me some money to put in a card to give to the shop owner

It was sweet of her

But I politely declined 

This was my mess to sort out

I returned home

Where my sister said that she needed to talk to me

I thought she had read yesterday's post

And that she knew

So I kind of put my foot in it

Because she hadn't

She had quite a bad reaction to it

First she got angry

And said some horrible things

But then that anger turned into disbelief and sadness

She just couldn't understand why I had done it

Either can I 

I don't blame her though

I seem to fuck up time and time again

I went to another meeting last night

Again it was a small meeting 

So I felt comfortable sharing

Some people there suggested I write a letter of apology

So that's what I did when I got home

I write a short note

Expressing my regret

And asked if there was anything I could do to make amends 

As I am willing to do that 

This shop was not some big chain store

It's a small family run business

Who are probably struggling as it is without the likes of me stealing their goods

So I would really jump at the chance of atonement 

But as bad as yesterday was 

I do realise that it could have been a whole lot worse 

That girl could have called the cops 

In fact I am wondering why she didn't

She was well within her rights to

When we were walking up to the shop

She seemed to calm down a lot

And was asking me question

I said as little as possible

Just apologising when I felt it was appropriate

I am so grateful to that girl for letting me go

I could be sitting in a police cell right now

And that would be an utter disaster 

Imagine if I had had to call my family from a cop station

And tel them that I had been arrested

It doesn't bear thinking about

So I guess the best thing to do

Is to take the learning out of this

And the lesson is well and truly learnt

I won't be be shoplifting again 

And if that is the only positive to come out of this 

Then maybe it was a blessing in disguise

What I eat

Contrary to popular belief

People with eating disorders do like food

Speaking only for myself

I love food

I mean really love it

God help the person that comes between me and my food

I tend to go through phases of eating a certain food

I become slightly obsessed with said food

And eat it until I move on to the next obsession

At the moment 

My foods are salt and vinegar Hunky Dory chips

And Nestle Milkybars

I literally eat them all day long

I go through five family size Milkybars a day

And two family size packs of chips

And I would eat more if there was more

But I try on out a limit on it

I don't eat breakfast 

And if I do 

It's a few squares of chocolate

I don't really eat lunch either

Preferring to snack on my favourite foods

I do eat dinner though

I love dinner 

Today I am making beef stew

It's only 11am 

And I am already looking forward to it

I can get slightly obsessed over my dinner too

And like to know way in advance what I am having

So I tend to drive my family nuts 

Asking them what is for dinner like two days in advance 

I don't profess to be the healthiest person in the world

And I am no poster girl for recovery

You are probably wondering how I am not 300 pounds if I eat all that junk food

Well

The simple answer to that

Is that not everything that goes down stays down

Yes

I admit it

I do purge still

In fact it never went away

And I'm not sure if it ever will

As you know up until about a year ago

I was binging and purging up to 20 times a day

It was off the scale 

Yes my bulimia had improved a lot

But I still purge 2-5 times a day

Which by anyone's standards is still a lot 

But for me it's progress

The thing is

I am starting to wonder if this is as good as it gets for me?

Is this recovery?

Am I destined to always have my ED in my life?

Managing it but never quite getting on top of it?

I mean 

I am the best I've been in a long time 

Eating disorder wise

But I know things could be a lot better

The way things are

I have one foot in my ED

And one foot in recovery 

Stuck somewhere in the middle

Not committing to either one

And the other thing is 

I'm not sure if I want to leg go completely of my ED

I mean

I am quite content the way things are

But maybe I am fooling myself 

I don't quite know

I was sharing at a meeting the other day

How my base mood level is lower than average

In that my everyday mood is lower than the average person 

My tendency is to be negative

Think negatively 

I've a tendency to be maudlin and morose 

I'm not a naturally happy or optimistic person 

I'm not happy all the time

I get glimpses of it from time to time

But it is not a constant thing 

So feeling the way I am now is good

For me

I'm seeing Mary tomorrow

So I will talk to her about this 

Although I know what she will say

That full and complete recovery is possible

And that I can live a life without my ED

I'm not convinced 

But I won't rule it out

I was wondering about you

Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?

What does recovery mean to you?

Do you think that complete recovery is possible?

I'd love to know ....

The Plumber

Some of you noticed that I mentioned a new Boy in my last post

So I guess I better explain

Just so you know

The new boy 

Who from here on in shall be known as The Plumber

Has absolutely nothing to do The Boy

Who is no longer part of my life

As you know

I have a neighbour who I do little jobs for

I'm over in her house a few times a week

A couple of months ago 

She told me about her plumber

And that he was a lovely guy

And very attractive

I hadn't seen him

So I paid little attention to it

But then last week

He was back at my neighbours house

Honey and Lea were out in the garden

Barking their heads off

So I went out to see what the commotion was

It was The Plumber

I apologised to him

And brought the dogs in

He said not to worry

I didn't get a proper look at him

But I did notice that he was tall and well built with dark hair

I went back inside

And didn't give it another thought

The following morning

I was over in my neighbours house

Chatting to my neighbour

She asked me if I had seen The plumber 

I said I'd had a quick look at him

My neighbour had a mischievous look on her face

As she told me that she had done a little investigation work

She proceeded to tell me that she had asked this guy was married

He said he wasn't 

Or if he has a girlfriend 

He hasn't 

He then asked her what was with all the questions

She told him that she was asking for a 'friend'

I was mortified that she had done this

She then told me that The Plumber said to her that he is approachable

What does that mean people????

My neighbour was having a great laugh to herself telling me all of this

She thought herself especially funny when she told me that he might let me 'hold his pliers'

I want to say I was shocked when she said this 

But I wasn't 

She is always up to mischief

I left my neighbours

And headed home

Where I told my mum and sister what had happened

They thought it was hilarious

And got great mileage out of it slagging me off

Telling me that he can 'fix my pipes' and the like ........

Now everytime I put nice clothes on

Or put make up on

They're all 'Is that for the Plumbr?'

I wish I'd kept my mouth shut

Anyway

That's the story behind that

I'm not really looking for love

If it happens

Well and good

But I  happy enough the way things are

I mean I haven't even had a proper look at this guy

I wouldn't be able to pick him out in a line up

I guess it's of my neighbour

But I don't know if she's doing it for her own amuse  

Or if she really is trying to set me up

I am going to be so embarrassed if I see this guy again

As I'm pretty sure he will figure out who my neighbour was talking about

It's been so long since I had a boyfriend

I mean it's almost been a decade since I was in a relationship

I guess I've been too busy trying to kill myself

I forget what it's like to be someone's girlfriend

I was speaking with my sister the other day

She is a seriel monogomoust

Bouncing from relationship to relationship

She tells me that she doesn't like being alone

Where as I don't mind it so much

I mean I can't imagine sharing a bed with someone 

Having to turn off the light when they want to

Having them hog the duvet

I have a double bed

And I like to sleep diagonally across it

So there's not much room for anyone else

I suppose it's been so long since I've shared my life with someone

And you don't miss what you don't have

But I will keep my eye out for The Plumber.....

Today

Wearing: Blue jeans, blue and white hoody, Roxy high tops

Weighing: not weighing any more

Drinking: Hot sweet tea

Eating: Hunky Dory salt and vinegar crisps

Listening to: Aluna George

Going to: See my doctor

Watching: Undercover Boss

Talking about: Recovery and what else I can do to help myself get better

Feeling: Hopeful, optimistic

Taking: Methadone, Prozac, Olanzapibe, Mirtazapine

Wearing: New glasses

Thinking about: A certain boy (Not The Boy)

Going to: Walk my dogs 

Hoping: To get to a meeting later

Loving: Feeling free from the compulsion to use

Worrying about: What my weight is

Letting go of: Anxiety by telling myself that everything is exactly as it should be

Realising that: I am a good person

Afraid that: My life will never amount to anything

Reading: shopaholic to the stars by Sophie Kinsella

Wearing my hair: In a top knot 

Wondering: If I will ever meet someone 

What are you up to today?

It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you

Over the last couple of months

My world has got a lot bigger and broader 

Rewind 18 months and I am just out of treatment

Feeling afraid

Hopeless

And utterly distraught

Not knowing where to turn

So I chose the only option I had left 

Death

And tried to overdose on my meds

Thankfully I didn't die

Although at the time I was so angry to wake up

Mary intervened when I told her the following week

She really jumped in to action

I saw my doctor and my psychiatrists 

My meds were changed

Olanzapine (anti anxiety) was increased

And another anti depressant was introduced (Prozac)

Then it was a waiting game

To see if the change in meds would work

To see how long I could hold on before losing my shit and my mind again

I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened 

I know it was around April last year 

My mood began to lift

In a really noticeable way

My anxiety lessened

And when I woke up in the morning

I wasn't dreading the day ahead

I can remember standing in the shower on day

And feeling bigger

I stood on the scales

And I had begun to gain weight

At first it was soul destroying 

I couldn't stand myself

But then I began to see the benefits of weight gain

Feeling better

More clear minded

Happier

More energetic

Granted 

My weight increased to a point where I was comfortable 

To about 138 pounds 

It didn't suit me

And I continued to gain weight after I gave up smoking

And then

Suddenly 

Just as quickly as I gained the weight 

I began to lose it again

And my weight is now stable at 117-120 pounds

I can just about live with that

So much has happened in the last year

I got my teeth done

I gave  up smoking 

I had my toes done

I got glasses

But I still felt like something was missing

I wasn't feeling great around Christmas time

And soon after

I relapsed on drugs

That lasted about five weeks

I hurt many people

Including myself

Lost some people for good 

Almost lost my family

It was an horrific time

There was such a horrible atmosphere at home

I had to do something to get back on track

So I went back to meetings

And began seeing an addiction counsellor

And so my cocooned little world began to expand

I had a lot of help

My long suffering family

My best friend Marie

And all the professionals that I see

It is a joint effort

And everyone plays a crucial part

I am now meeting and seeing a lot of people

And this causes me massive anxiety

My confidence has taken such a battering recently 

And my self esteem is on the floor 

I am still trying to like myself

Never mind love myself

And I always presume that people don't like me

My mother and sister tell me that I am paranoid

But I'm not convinced 

I get a notion in my head

That someone doesn't like me

And then I look for evidence to support this

And disregard any evidence that they do like me

I've been seeing this girl around

She is a friend of Marie's

I was convinced that this girl didn't like me

And seeing her was becoming an ordeal

Then one day Marie told me that this girl was asking after me

I was really surprised

And then she sent me a friend request on Facebook

I was even more surprised

It really meant a lot 

Like she was asking me to be her friend

And letting me know that she likes me

It's the little things people

I guess it's because I don't like myself very much

That I can't understand why anyone else would like

I really feel that bad about myself

Yesterday I got a text from another girl 

Inviting me to a meal out with the NA crowd 

To celebrate a members ten year clean time

Again I was really surprised that I was invited

That it even occurred to this girl to include me 

It's a sad situation that I feel this low about myself 

But I do

I've spoken to Mary about this

And she assures me that if I keep doing what I'm doing

Then my confidence and self esteem will improve

I sincerely hope it does

Because it's just horrible feeling this way

To be so hyper sensitive

And to hate on myself so much

And the thing is

I think it takes quite a lot for me not to like someone

I get on with most people

And I love meeting new people

And making new friends

But my paranoia gets in the way of forming long lasting friendships

I always feel like I say the wrong thing

Or put my foot in it

And then spend weeks beating myself up about it

I bully myself in a lot of ways

Even here on blogger

I am always blown away by the kind an thoughtful comments that people write here every single day

The friends that I have made here mean so much to me

Do much more than you will ever know

I truly value and treasure each and everyone of you

And to be welcomed in to this community with open arms has warned my heart over and over again

This is the reason that I used drugs 

And my ED

Because I couldn't stand myself

Because I hated the person I was

Because I felt useless and hopeless

Because I had zero confidence 

And not an iota of self belief 

So trying to navigate through life without these crutches is not an easy task

I know have to find new and healthy ways of coping 

By attending meetings

Talking to friends who are in recovery

By being gentle with myself

And bring kind to myself

It's all so new

But I am doing my best to keep my mind and body relatively well

I've had a couple of comments recently

That I look like I am losing weight again

But in fact my weight is more stable than its been in years

I don't think I am losing weight

I think it's just that my weight is settling

And it's only now becoming noticeable 

In spite of the way I am feeling

I will plough on

I'm not about to give up

On you or myself

I have way too much to lose now

I am hoping and praying

That my perception of myself will improve

It sure as hell can't get any worse

Do I will continue to fight 

To fight for a better life

For peace of mind

For a happy mind and body

I'll do it for my family 

For Honey and Lea

Who rely on me so much

And who I refuse to let down 

And for myself 

There is just no other option right now

I was wondering about you

Have you ever suffered with a lack of confidence?

How did you deal with it?

What helped you find your confidence?

Do you ever experience paranoia? 

What helped you overcome this?

Do let me know if you have any tips or advice in this regard