For you

A lot has changed for me over the past year

As I dip my toe in to this thing called recovery 

My whole life has had a transformation 

And that includes my blogging and writing

I read back on old posts

And I see a very different girl

A girl that was physically and mentally compromised

I lived in what I call Deaths Waiting Room

Some where between life and death

Limbo

A wishy washy no mans land 

My writing back then was hopeless

I wrote from a really bad place

A place where my ED called the shots

And I had little or no control over my life

It was a living hell

I tell no lie

As I have started to recover

My writing has changed

I'm sure you have noticed too

I'm more positive 

Optimistic

I guess I am no longer existing

I am living my life 

My way

For the first time in years

And as I tentatively venture in to recovery

So my reading has changed too

Some of the blogs I used to read

I can no longer

For a variety of reasons

Some blogs are very triggering

And I have to protect myself from that

I hope you understand 

A lot of the time 

It's just too upsetting to read about so many of you beautiful girls struggles

I think of all the wonderful people here on blogger

Pouring their hearts in to the giant abyss that is the internet 

The bottomless vacuum that is the World Wide Web

It's overwhelming to think of all these people suffering

And so 

A lot of the time 

I can't read it

I'm hoping you understand

If your blog is one of the blogs I've stopped reading

I am truly sorry 

But as I said 

I have to protect myself

If you are reading this today

Then post is for you

If you are in recovery 

If you are thinking about recovery

If you are fighting the daily battle against this illness

This post is for you

If you are not in recovery 

If you can't even contemplate it

If your ED seems too big to conquer

If you are losing hope 

If you feel utterly lost

Desperate

This post is for you

If you are struggling with anorexia

Bulimia

EDNOS

Binge eating disorder 

Depression

Anxiety

Bipolar disorder

Personality disorder

Or any other mental health issue

This post is for you

If you are alone in this world

If you don't have family or friends to turn to

If you feel you have no one 

This post is for you

If you haven't told anyone about your ED

If you are silently battling your demons

This post is for you 

If you feel like it's all too much

If you feel like you can't do this

If you feel overwhelmed 

This post is for you 

If you read this blog every day

If you read sometimes 

If you just stumbled across it today

This post is for you

I know that sometimes recovery seems impossible

And that there is no point in trying 

Out EDs can convince us that we are weak

And we can't do it

Our EDs would have us believe that recovery is not an option

I'm here to tell you that recovery is possible

I was at a point in my life 

Where I thought the only option was death

Because I would have rather died than live this half life any more 

I know it seems like my recovery started very suddenly

And it did in a lot of ways

But in reality 

I have been trying to recover for years

I'm even hesitant to use the word recovery

As I don't always feel I am in recovery

But as they say in AA

The only requirement  for membership is a desire to stop using/drinking 

I just want you to know 

That there is hope

There is always hope

I thought I was a lost cause

I figured if my addiction didn't kill me

Then my ED would 

The odds were stacked against me

And I felt I didn't have a chance at life or recovery

So please

Don't  give up

Don't give in

Keep that light in your heart alive

I have seen people at deaths door make a remarkable recovery

We are never too far gone 

Never a lost cause

You can do this

You can have a better life

I promise you this

Give yourself the greatest gift

The gift of life

Reach out and grab it

Don't let it pass you by

Because all too soon 

This life will be over

And will have been just a drop in the ocean of history

Don't let your ED take one more year, month, day from you

Because in spite of what she says

She wants us dead

That is her ultimate goal

To take our lives

Don't let her do that 

Don't let her win

There is nothing glamorous or romantic about starving yourself to death

Or purging do much that you go in to cardiac arrest

I was lucky

I made it out relatively unscathed

But as you know

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

So please

Do it

Go for it

Take that leap of faith

Grab the gift of recovery with both hands 

And don't let go

It will be worth it

I just know it will be

Question?

This post is chance for you to ask me a question

Any thing you like

Maybe about addiction or ED

Or about something completely different

I will do my best to answer it

As you know

I am pretty much an open book

So no topic is off limits 

I get asked questions through email 

So I though I would dedicate a post to it

I am handing the floor ovet to you

What would you like to know........?

Party!!

My goodness it's the first of June already

How time does fly 

This month

I have a birthday party

A fortieth

My sisters friend 

And it's in Cork

Which is the other end of the country

As you may know

I don't tend to go to a lot of social events

Partly because I don't drink

And partly because I'm usually in my pyjamas by 8pm

I guess I got all my partying done at an early age

I was just 14 when I started going to nightclubs

Then came the drug years

When I was out every night of the weekend

And when I wasn't out

I was taking drugs at home

So by the time I was 26

I was pretty much done with partying 

I  don't really venture out after dark now

I don't go to pubs anymore

I've done my time in nightclubs

I used to be a night owl

But I am definitely a morning person

 now

So anyway

I have this party at the end of the month

So the hunt has been in to find something to wear

I had bought a pretty blue skirt and top to wear

But the weather is keeping so cold

That I don't think I am going to get a chance to wear that 

So I've had to find something else

Here is what I've come up with......

Black leather jacket - Dorothy Perkins

Capri pants - Next

White t-shirt - River Island

Nude sandals- Fat Face

Thoughts on recovery

I guess it is safe to say that I am in recovery

Or am I?

I think I am

I mean

I want to be

I try to be

I hope to be 

There is no doubt

That I am a million miles away from where I was 18 months ago

I was in such a dark place

My days were either spent in a frenzy of binging and purging

Or silently starving

The binging and purging was relentless 

I shit you not

In the morning 

I'd wake up

Have chocolate for breakfast 

Purge

Go shopping for binge food

Which I may or may not have paid for

Walk my dogs 

No matter how bad things got

I always walked my dogs 

Even if it was a short one when I was very ill

I'd come home

And the binging would commence

Crisps 

Chocolate

Biscuits

Pasta

Bread 

Noodles

Potatoes 

Chicken curry

It just went on and in

I literally couldn't stop

It was terrifying how out of control I was

I can remember my Dad saying to me  in the midst of the madness

'Ruby

Please

Stop'

My family would beg and plead with me

They'd get angry

Sad

Mad

They were at the end of their tether 

And so was I

It was a nightmare

I remember at night when everyone went to bed

I would tear the kitchen apart

Cooking

Making food 

Eating everything in sight

There were often times when I ate all the bread in the house

Leaving nine for anyone else 

If anyone bought biscuits or chocolate

They didn't last five minutes if I was around

I just couldn't help myself 

Couldn't control myself

Not even if I wanted to

I woke up every morning 

Dreading the day ahead

The relentless march from the kitchen to the bathroom

Over and over again

Literally going in circles 

I know that bulimia is often treated like anorexias less deadly sister

But let me tell you

From someone who has lived through both

They are equally as serious 

And anyone who wants to argue that point?

Come walk a day in my vomit stained shoes

Even when I went on to treatment last year

I still continued to binge and purge

I purged every meal

Used to raid the biscuit press

And keep a stash of biscuits in my locker

I bought shed loads of chocolate from the canteen

They must have thought I was nuts

And I'm surprised I got away with it at all

I was so sneaky 

Purging any chance I got

I was constantly ducking and diving

Trying to get around staff

Purging was my drug 

And I just couldn't stop

I can remember in all my time intreatnent

I managed only one day purge free

One day

Even with all the support I had

I left treatment weighing less than when I went in

As you know 

In the year since leaving treatment 

Things began to look up 

The incessant binging and purging stopped

And I began to gain some control over my eating

As of now

My weight is stable 

My health has drastically improved

As has my mental health

Don't get me wrong

I still haven't had a purge free day

I purge at least a couple of times a day

But things are the best they've been in a long time

Amen to that

Maybe by medical standards 

I am still unwell

And still very much bulimic

Still eating disordered 

But for me

This is as good as things get

For now

From an addiction point of view

Things are in a similar place

I'm not using heroin

Or any illegal drugs

But I still struggle to take my meds properly

And have days when I am not even on the planet earth by any stretch of the imagination

But again

Things are as good as they can be

And for now

That is enough

I guess recovery is not destination

It's not an end point

It's a process

It's ongoing

It never ends

There is a saying in AA

That they claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection

I love that

It's about constantly growing

Thriving

Blossoming

Fighting for a better life

Recovery takes time 

Another saying in AA is to give time time

Again

So true

Physical recovery takes months

Psychological recovery can take years

And complete recovery can take a life time

That's the thing with eating disorders

You have the double whammy of physical and mental complications

And it really takes a toll

I don't think I have mentioned weight yet

That's the funny things about EDs

Wright does matter 

But it also doesn't matter 

I guess it doesn't matter if you're weight is considered healthy

And it does matter if you are under weight or obese

And it is having a detrimental effect on your health

I think the whole weight debate is a bit of a mine field

We are told that weight doesn't matter

Yet in treatment it becomes such a big deal

I know that I never took any notice of my weight until doctors and such began weighing me

The number seemed important to them

So it became important to me

Over the years 

I have been every weight between emaciated and healthy

But I was just as sick at my lowest weight as I was at my highest weight

That is no lie

I know that I have a lot of work to do

My recovery is a work in progress

I am no poster girl from recovery 

But am always honest about where I am

I don't see any point in sugar coating things

That helps no one

I will continue to fight for a better life

For a better future

For me and my family 

I've had a glimpse of what my life could be life

I've seen how rich and wonderful a healthy life can be

And I want more

I want to live the best life I can 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?

What do you think constitutes recovery?

Which do you think is harder

Living with an ED

Or recovering from one?

What does recovery mean to you?

I'd love to know.....

Queen Maeve's Trail, Take 2

Last month

I did a post about the walk I did with my mother and sister on this trail

Today I did it again with my brother and his partner

It was slightly different this time

As they are just a bit fitter than my mother and sister

So it was full speed ahead

Afterwards 

We went to Shells cafe for a most welcome cup of tea and a toastie

Instead of me telling you about it

Here are some photos....

The talking scale

Friday is food shopping day in my house

During the week we leave a note pad and pen on the table

So we can write down things that we need 

As you know 

I live with my mum and my sister 

And we all have different things that we like

So our shopping list can be quite eclectic 

We have a kitty

So each week we all contribute

Depending on our own budget

It works well for us 

I think I've said before 

That my sister is an amazing cook

So we've all been eating like queens since she came home last summer

And I have picked up a lot of handy tips from her too

In a Friday morning 

Two out of the the three of us usually go shopping

My sister is doing a cookery course today

So my mum and I went to do the food shopping

Lea and Honey always come too

And we bring them for a run on the beach first 

And then head to the shops

We go to two supermarkets

First we go to Lidl

Lidl is a German shop that sells food a lot cheaper

So we pick up bread and veg and such there

Then we head over to the second supermarket

Which is on the expensive side

But it has all our favourite brands so we always go there

So we were in Lidl this morning

Every week they have a special offer on

And today it seemed to be health products

So they had a blood pressure machine

Various exercise equipment 

Work out clothes

But one specific item caught my eye

A speaking scale no less

When I saw it 

I had to take a closer look

Were my eyes deceiving me?

No

It was in fact a talking scale

The horror of it all washed over me 

I don't think I've ever in all my years weighing seen a talking scale

I can't think of anything worse

Let me explain why

I don't know about you 

But for me

Weighing is a very private and personal thing

I do it only in the privacy of my own bedroom

With the door locked

Preferably in the morning 

When I know there's no one around

The only other people I have let weigh me were doctors and of course Mary

Oh yes

It's very few people that I let weigh me

That number is just so personal 

I know I give the number too much power

But I don't think it's an ED not to let people know your exact weight

I'd say most women

And a lot of men

Like to keep their weight to themselves 

So the thought of a speaking scale?

Oh my God

It doesn't bear thinking about 

A scale that says your weight out loud

For all and sundry to hear?

No thank you very much

It's safe to say that I won't be investing in one of these

While I was in the shop

I noticed quite a lot of interest in the scales

I guess maybe a lot of people hadn't seen one before 

But Jesus H Christ

It's hard enough having to look at the number

Never mind have the thing speak it to you

I can't think of any thing worse

Here it is...

I was wondering

Am I alone in this?

What do you think of the talking scale?

Yay or nay?

Eagles Rock

I live in a valley 

Between two mountains

It's really quite spectacular here

But I guess I am looking at it everyday

So I don't always appreciate it

There is part of the mountain near my house called Eagles Rock

Which is popular with hikers and climbers

On Sunday we went down to check it out

We weren't really prepared to do the full walk

So we just walked a little

And decided we would do it properly next week

When my brother and his girlfriend are here

And we can all do it together

So here are some photos

And by the way 

Please tell me if you think I am too tanned

My family tell me that I am

But I want to continue tanning

So I was wondering what you think

And be brutally honest

I'm a big girl 

I can handle it....