And my life is sweet like cinnamon.....

Ten months smoke free today

I think I can officially call myself a  confirmed non smoker

My uncle was here the other day

He was telling us about his upcoming holiday in Spain

Out of pure habit

I opened my mouth to ask him to get me cigarettes

400 cigarettes

Then I remembered

Oh

I don't smoke anymore 

It was a nice feeling

I regularly have dreams in which I am smoking 

And I'm really annoyed at myself for relapsing

Ten months down the drain

Then I wake up and realise that I haven't in fact smoked 

And All is well

I can remember the day I stopped smoking like it was yesterday

I had put it off for so long

As I had fallen for the myth that you gain weight when you quit

To me

Being thin and broke was more important that being a healthy weight or over weight and flush with money 

The sane uncle had just come back from Turkey 

And had brought me home two cartons of smokes

I decided that day

That when I had finished the cartons

Then I would give up

So I smoked my little head off for the next two weeks 

I was averaging 30 - 35 a day

I smoked like it was going out of fashion

Which in fact it was 

I thoroughly enjoyed smoking

I loved it

Cigarettes punctuated my life

I remember when you could smoke in restaurants

On trains

In pubs and clubs

Then the smoking ban came in

And us smokers were banished outside

Some pubs and clubs made very comfortable smoking areas

And do all the 'craic' seemed to be happening out there

I always had cigarettes in my bag

I bought two packs a day

And always had a selection of lighters on the go too

I even had a cigarette case

And a cigarettes purse ala Betty Draper from Madmen

I smoked any where and everywhere I could 

At home

I smoked out the window 

Up the chimney 

In front of the extractor fan

And I thought I was being considerate of others!

Smoking was a huge part of my life

And if my identity

It was the first thing I did in the morning 

Make a cup of tea

And light up a smoke

I smoked after food especially 

It was like a cigarette finished off the me

And smoking was a social thing

Me and my friends would nip outside for a cheeky smoke any chance we got

There was great banter out with the smokers

It was like we were all doing something naughty

And we were all In it together

I used to really enjoy a cuppa with a smoke

I did my best thinking then

And also had the best chats over a cuppa and a smoke

The worlds problems could be solved then

So now I am a non smoker

And I can't deny the benefits

My number one reason for quitting was the money

I wish I could say it was for health reasons 

But if I'm honest it wasn't 

I was broke all the time

And I couldn't stand it anymore

So 

They had to go

There was no other option

I've so noticed an improvement in my health

My fitness has improved

My breathing

My lung function

My stamina

Have all drastically improved

To address the weight gain

I did gain weight after I quit 

But I was gaining weight anyway

So I don't know if it was my quitting or my body re-gaining naturally

Whichever it was

It seems to have settled down  now

Thank Jebus

I was wondering about you

Do you smoke?

How long have you been smoking?

What made you give up?

What stops you from giving up?

Inquiring minds want to know......

To be anonymous or not to be anonymous.....

I've been thinking about this for the past few days

Whether it's better to blog anonymously or not

As you know 

I make no secret of who I am 

Heck I have a huge photo of myself at the top of my blog

I regularly post photos 

And my family sometimes feature too

The only thing I keep secret is my name

Although those of you who know my real name

Know that it's not a million miles away from Ruby 

For the first few months 

I wrote my blog anonymously 

And had planned to keep it that way

But then I began to notice that the blogs I was attracted to

We're the ones where the person was completely open

I can still remember the first photo I posted of myself

It was of me on holiday in Spain

Looking very pale and wan

It got such a great reaction

That I began to share more and more of my life

I love to share things with my readers

Myself

Where I live

My dogs 

My family

I'm an open book

Having said that

I totally understand why someone would want to keep their blog anonymous

There is a great freedom in being able to write without anyone knowing who you are 

Some people are more private

And choose not to share photos 

I was reading Izzys blog earlier

She was writing about how now her blog is so popular

That she has to be really careful about what she chooses to write about

As so many people are reading

I guess I feel that on a smaller scale

There are something's that are off bounds with me

I don't write much about my family

And always ask before posting photos of them

I don't write about any one else either

Or their business

It's not my place

Reading between the lines in Izzys post

I get the feeling that she feels she has to be positive all the time

And portray the picture that everything is fine all the time

And maybe for her it is

But I know for myself

Recovery is a rocky road

So many hurdles

So many ups and downs 

Highs and lows 

And I feel compelled to be honest about that

If you read regularly 

You will know that my life is a bit of a roller coaster

And I do daft and stupid things almost on a weekly basis

I feel like it's my duty to be honest

And I have absolutely no problem letting people know when I am struggling

Well

Most of the time

So yes

I am definitely open about my life

I know some people worry about their blog coming back to haunt them

In case a workplace ever tracked it down

This doesn't bother me either

I have nothing to hide 

This is my life 

This is me 

Although hopefully by the time I am working 

I will have a lot of these issues in the past

I guess I use my blog 

In the same way as some people use Instagram or Tumblr or even Facebook 

To document my life

To keep track of my life

To share with others

To record all the little things that get forgotten over the years 

In 3 years 

I have written over 800 posts

All them recording every little detail about my life

And to have that to look back over is amazing

It's almost like watching a movie

The text

The photos

The pictures

All add up to be my life

To be anonymous or not to be anonymous

Well

I guess it's different for everyone 

It depends probably on your personality

And how private you are

I've never had a problem sharing my story

I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by it

In fact the opposite

I am proud of where I've come from

And how far I've come

I've been through my own personal war

And it wasn't easy getting out

Of course a huge part of my blog is helping others 

I feel so passionately about using my story

My mistakes

My life

My accomplishments 

My ups and downs

To help others come out of their own battle with themselves 

I know that reading all of your blogs helps me massively

And I hope I can give back just a little bit of what I've gotten from all of you

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Do you write anonymously or not?

Why?

Do you prefer to see the person writing the blog or not?

Is love to know....

Buzz about blogger

Is it just me 

Or does it seem that there is a fresh buzz about blogger lately?

For a while there

It had become deathly quiet

So many bloggers vanished off the face of the Internet

I still think of them

And send them well wishes

Sometimes I check their blogs

For clues as to what might have happened 

It almost seems as if people disappeared mid sentence 

Some of these girls I had become very close with

Closer than my own family

So it really hurts to not know what had happened to them

I just hope and pray that they don't need this community anymore 

And they are living life to the fullest

It's just really great to see some life breathed back in to blogger

Sometimes it seems like blogger is Tumblrs and Instagrams slightly behind the times cousin

I think that Tumbkr and Instagram are mainly about photos and visuals 

Here in our corner of blogger 

We are all about the story 

Not everyone wants to take the time to read a wall of text 

But here we do 

We follow every detail of each other's story 

Down to what we eat in a given day

There is unconditional love here

Complete understanding 

No judgment 

No pity

Oodles of empathy

And compassion

I know some people think our kind of blogging is not healthy

But this is not Pro-and

That is something entirely different 

I don't have much experience with Pro-ana

I guess my very first few posts were verging on it

I write about actively trying to lose weight

And fasts with other bloggers

But it didn't sit right with me

I've never really engaged in Pro-and

It all seemed a bit daft to me

I've Googled it of course

And see The Thin Commandments 

And the like

Almost like a cult

And it seems to be mostly young girls 

Who just want to be the thin one in their group of friends

Something entirely different to the clinical diagnosis of an eating disorder 

I've seen the blogs 

Girls looking for 'ana buddies'

The 'Tips and Tricks'

Which are largely completely bizarre

One I read said 'spin in a circle until you feel so dizzy and sick that you can't eat'

I mean 

Do peoe really takes these seriously?

Are there thousands of spinning girls out there?

It all seems ludicrous to me

I feel very strongly that people need support

And to be around others like us

But supporting someone's illness is not ok

Actively encouraging others to harm themselves or lose weight is a step too far for me

I don't really engage in conversations about weight loss here on blogger

I don't comment when someone loses or gains weight

I don't congratulate 

Or commiserate 

I think in all my time on blogger

I've only ever well don-ed one particular person

And that's because they were over weight and we're trying really hard to get healthy

But apart from that 

No way

It's a no go area for me

I also don't comment on people's appearance

As you just never know what way they will take it

I don't focus on the body 

Or body parts

I compliment their hair

Or something they are wearing

Again

I avoid body talk at all costs 

I was wondering about you

Do you think there is new life in blogger recently?

What are your views on Pro-ana?

Gave you ever engaged with these sites?

What is your take on congratulating weight loss?

Question

I have a couple of questions for you today

First 

Are you a morning person

Or a night owl? 

I used to be a night owl

Definitely when I was using

There was s period of time when I didn't see day light for months

I would stay up all night

And go to bed in the morning

I lived in darkness 

And I liked it 

I am at my most productive in the morning

I like to do all my jobs and errands at this time 

And like to get them done quickly and effeciently 

I know no other. way

The other question I want to ask you

Is if you are a coffee 

Or a tea drinker?

I am a confirmed tea drinker

And must drink about 15 cups a day

I don't like coffee at all

Though I wish that I did

So 

There are my questions for today

Are you a morning person 

Or a night owl?

And are you a tea drinker 

Or coffee drinker? 

Oh and one more question

Are you left handed or right handed?

I know these are random questions 

But I really am interested

I am left handed when writing

But use my right hand for most other things

So both hands are equally strong

They are today's questions

Inquiring minds want to know.....

And then she disappeared.....

I Googled And then she disappeared yesterday
And thought I would share with some of the images that came up

OCD?

I have never been formally diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder

But I expect that I have a mild form of it

Ever since I was a child 

I've displayed many of the characteristics of OCD

Here are some of them

My things have to be a certain way

For example

On the coffee table in our living room

I have a section of it that is for my stuff

I have my notebooks that I am using

Piled from large to small

I have the AA directory 

So I can check where the nearest meeting is on any given day

I have my two pens

One black 

One purple 

I have a nail cleaner type thing (Technical term)

I have a nail scissors

My glasses 

And the tv remote which we call the 'clicker'

All of these things are poised in a certain way so they form a rectangle

I get just a little bit anxious and annoyed when people move said items

When I am sitting on the sofa in my living room

Things also have to be a certain way

The throw over the sofa has to be positioned just so

As do the cushions

And the other clicker is place on my leg when I am lying down

Am I nearing a diagnosis yet?

Another symptom

When I am watching the tv 

The volume has to be on an even number

Numbers are a big thing

Even numbers are generally good

And odd ones are not so much bad as just not as acceptable or good as even ones

I can't even explain this one

It is what it is

Then there are the OCD traits linked to my ED

All my cups, glasses, plates,bowls and cutlery are carefully selected 

The cups I use 

I have many of them

And use one per day

The only glasses I use are pint glasses

Do I can keep track of quantity throughout the day

Plus I drink a lot when I eat because it helps if I am going to purge 

I have certain plates and bowls that I use

They are of a certain size and shape

And cutlery

I have a set of cutlery that I use

And nothing else will do!

Why?

I have no earthly clue

Then there is the food itself

I have a ritual with the way I eat food

I keep my pint glass to the left of my plate

The salt to the right

Because I literally cover my food with salt

And eat in a ritualistic way

Numbers feature a lot in my possible OCD

Weighing is another ritual

I might weigh once a day

Or I might weigh ten times a day

But every time is the same

I use the bathroom

I lock my bedroom door

Place the scale on the wooden floor 

Strip 

And I mean everything comes off

Socks

Undies

Everything 

I tap the scale to set it to zero

Hold my breath

And step on

There are always rules around numbers

Acceptable numbers

Unacceptable numbers

Safe numbers 

Unsafe numbers 

It's all a game 

OCD also appears when I am walking my dogs 

I do a beach and cliff walk every morning

There are various different paths I use

But all the while I am walking

I'm not enjoying the splendid scenery

The ocean

The birds

Oh no

All the while I am walking

I am trying to avoid the cracks in the ground

Jumping

Hopping

Swerving 

And leaping 

All so I won't stand on a crack

I mean 

What exactly  is going to happen if I do stand on a crack?

Absolutely nothing I suspect

But yet I continue to hop-scotch my walks

The other behaviour I have ritualistic tendancies around is purging

Again I have a routine

After I eat the food

I walk calmly to the bathroom

Walking through the living room so people don't know I am going to the bathroom

I lock the door

Tie my hair back

Push up my sleeves

Lift the toilet seat 

Bend over the toilet

And purge

Afterwards

I flush the toilet 

Go to the sink

Rinse my hands and mouth 

Then go back to the toilet

Clean anything that needs it

Place the lid back down 

Wash my hands again 

Fix my hair 

And anything else that needs fixing

Unlock the door

And rejoin whoever I happen to be with

I erase said purging from my mind

It's like it never happened

I'm sure there are other OCD related behaviours 

But these are the ones that appear daily

I was wondering about you

Do you have any OCD tendancies?

What are they?

Sweet Dreams

I've always had a slightly different relationship with sleep

I absolutely love sleeping 

I love falling asleep 

I love feeling tired

And being just on the verge of falling asleep

My sleep patterns are directly connected to my drug addiction

I can remember as a child 

Maybe around 12 years old

Going to my mother

And complaining that I couldn't sleep 

It was a lie

I could sleep perfectly well

But she brought me to the doctor

And I distinctly remember hoping that he would put me on sleeping tablets

Even at that young age

I craved the sweet release of sleep 

All through my teenage years

I looked for the perfect escape

I craved oblivion

And At age 18

I became addicted to Heroin

Heroin is the ultimate escape

It kept me in a twilight world

Somewhere between sleep and reality

I used to try and keep myself in a state where I could fall asleep at any time

Check off the planet when ever I wanted  

If you've ever seen someone on heroin

They can literally sleep standing up 

And you go to a kind of different world 

Almost like being in a dream

A dream where you haven't a care in the world

Where everything is soft and light and floaty

My words do no justice to describe the feeling that heroin gives

But I must also be careful not to forget the negatives of drug use

Because there were many 

And in the end I had to get sober

Although I put down heroin

I picked up alcohol and prescription meds

And again sleep became my drug

I would drink a bottle of vodka and take a handful of pills

And drift off to another place

I used to sit on the mat in front of the fire place

Cigarette in hand 

Burning holes in the carpet

Drifting in and out of consciousness 

Sitting cross legged

With my head on my knees

But then my precious sleep turned on me

And I began to experience night terrors

They hit me out of the blue

The first time I experienced them

I was just back from a holiday in Spain

I had done pretty much nothing but drink on the holiday

And I think when I got home

I had gone into withdrawal 

For a few nights in a row 

I experienced terrifying nightmares

Dreams that made no sense

But we're utterly shocking

I would let out blood curling screams 

And someone would come and wake me up

I woke up in a cold sweat

Afraid to back to sleep 

I remember sleeping beside my mother on more than one occasion 

I was that scared

I've had night terrors from time to time over the years

Usually when I'm stressed

Or in active addiction

I live in fear of them 

Any time I've been in treatment

Sleep has been an issue

I'd fall asleep in groups 

And it was put yo me that I use sleep as an escape

I can't argue with that

It's very true

I switch off when things get too much

I literally conk out

Which most likely contributed to the fact that treatment didn't work for me 

I also asked for meds that I didn't really need 

But wanted to use as an escape

Including sleeping pills

And anti anxiety meds

I was constantly running from reality

My favourite time of the whole day

Is those few minutes when I lie down at night

When my head hits the pillow

Those few minutes before I fall asleep 

When my head and body are so relaxed

So at peace

When my head is clear from all the clutter of the day

When nothing matters 

When I'm not an addict

When I don't have an ED

When I am just a person falling asleep

It's sheer bliss

At the moment 

Sleep is still my drug

I have at least one nap a day

And can usually fall asleep at the drop of a hat

But something strange happened this week regarding sleep 

The reflexology lady rang me

Or at least I thought she rang me

To ask me if I was coming to my appointment on Wednesday

I said that I couldn't make it

And she offered me an appointment on Friday

Yesterday

So I accepted that

Yesterday afternoon

I made my way in to the village

And knocked on her door

No answer 

I waited in my car for a while 

Then knocked again

No answer

Then I started to wonder if I had got the time wrong 

I looked through my text messages with the woman

And I saw that I had confirmed that I would make next Wednesday's appointment

I then started to doubt that I had spoken to her at all 

Do I checked my recent calls

And there was no record of her ringing me

Or be ringing her

This really freaked me out 

And the only conclusion I could come to was that I dreamed it 

There was no other explanation

This is nothing new

Over the years I have often mistaken dreams for reality

Especially during the drug years

I also have a fear of not being able to sleep

That's why I always get up really early 

So I will tire myself out by the end of the day

I hate sleeping in

Because then I fear I won't sleep that night

I think that harks back to my using days

And times when I was in withdrawal

Alone 

At night

In physical and mental torture 

And everything seems worse at night I think

I guess there is nothing wrong with loving sleep

But as with everything 

There is a healthy balance

Something that I always struggle with

I'm wondering am I the only one

What is your relationship with sleep like?

Do you use it to escape like me?

Have you ever experienced night terrors or any thing like them?

I'd love to know.....