Nervous Nelly....

Today is Saturday 

Which means the tv show is being recorded the day after tomorrow

And boy am I a nervous nelly 

My heart flutters every time I think of speaking in front of so many people

I am afraid that these people

Family members 

And professionals

Are going to look to me for all the answers

And I'm not sure if I have them

Or even if I have any

I haven't really been prepped for this discussion on Monday

I mean

I had a conversation with Dyna the presenter/ producer

And she outlined what the discussion will centre around

I am worried that I will either babble on like a raving lunatic

Ot completely freeze

And won't be able to utter a word 

I know the other people involved in the discussion are the mother of an eleven year old girl that is suffering with an ED

A psychiatrist

And the director of an eating disorder clinic

I know I will be asked what advice I can give the mother of the young girl

And I've been thinking about it a lot

My disorder developed when I was about 19

So to all intents and purposes I was an adult

So I haven't experienced my ED as a child

Of course the age does not matter

But I do think it makes a difference that this girl is a minor

And her parents are responsible for her

So I'm sure they're doing everything in their power to help their daughter

But the reality is

That no one can make you eat

No matter how hard they try

Eleven years old is so young

And it's such a complicated illness

That I'm sure this poor child does not even understand what is happening to her

But she is not starving herself because she is a happy well adjusted child

Something is going on there

And somehow she has got the message that if she doesn't eat

This will somehow help her situation

I'm sure her and her parents are locked in a battle of wills

And it becomes a competition to see who can hold on the longest 

In this childs mind

Her parents have now become the enemy

And the disorder has become her friend 

In a child's world 

It's as simple as that

EDs change the most well mannered polite person in to a lying, cheating manipulative and difficult person

It's a lot like living with an addict

The addiction takes over

And to the addict

Nothing else matters

Only the drug 

Or the ED

So how do we go about helping someone with an ED?

How does a family navigate the choppy waters that are anorexia or bulimia 

First off

I think we need to recognise that the disorder fulfills a need in the person

The person is getting some sort of pay off

Whether it be control

Attention

The perfect figure

Relief of anxiety

Often the sufferer won't entertain recovery 

Until the negatives of the disorder begin to out weigh the benefits

The first port of call is usually your GP

He/ she is not an expert in EDs

And will refer the sufferer on to mental health services

Or what ever services are available in the community

I saw numerous counsellors and therapists over the years 

And found them of little help

But then I had no interest in getting well

It wasn't until I started seeing Mary a few years ago that I began to even entertain the idea of recovery

I've also been inpatient numerous times

And have come to the conclusion that it is not for me

I don't doubt that it works for some people

But definitely not me

I have always done much better recovering from home

That's probably because I am lucky enough to have a very strong family around me

Often in the grip of an ED

Our world shrinks to just us and the disorder

We push away family and friends 

We lose interest in school and hobbies

And become completely immersed in the ED

We read about it

Watch films about it

Watch documentaries about it

Maybe we speak to others on line about it

Nothing else matters

Nothing else captures our attention like our ED

I thinking the tricks of recovery

Is finding something that matters to you more than the ED

What ever that may be

A hobby

A job

A person

An interest

In my case it was my dogs 

They meant more to me than my ED ever could 

And have massively helped me in my recovery

Everyone has something that they love 

Be it horse riding

Reading

Writing 

Acting

Hula hooping 

It could be absolutely any thing

As long as it means something to you

I don't have all the answers 

All I can do is share what worked for me

And give some one rough guide lines

I'm not an expert

I have been through it

And am lucky to have made it out relatively unscathed 

I like to use the analogy of the wild animal when talking about recovery

I think recovery is like training a wild animal

You can train it 

And manage it 

But there is always the possibility that it will bite

As you can never fully tame it

I never consider myself out of the woods 

I know it's a life long battle

With many hurdles

All we can do is take it day by day

Meal by meal

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going

To have hope 

Faith 

And courage

And as I always like to say

Baby steps all thee way! 

Tv Show Update

You might have noticed that I deleted a post about an email I got regarding taking part in a tv show

I received an email from a lady from a tv company called Levant Tv

Asking me if I would be willing to take part in a tv debate about eatingdisorders

That is to be recorded next Monday

I was suspicious of the email at first

As it was so general

Out of curiosity 

I emailed the lady back

A response came quickly

And it all sounded very professional

However 

I did want to speak to someone before committing to anything 

So I emailed my phone number 

And asked her to give me a call

The call came in within minutes

And I spoke at length to the lady

She explained that Levant Tv is Lebannese 

And their shows are streamlined on line

As well as being shown on tv in some countries

She described how there would be a few people taking part in this particular show

A psychiatrist

An eating disorder clinic director

The mother of a young girl with an ED

And myself

This lady found me through my blog

And wants me to spread the message of hope

That there is light at the end of the tunnel

And that there is life beyond an ED

To me

This all sounds great

This is exactly the reason that I write my blog

To give others hope 

Yet give an honest and unflinching account of what it's like to live with an eating disorder

I can't lie

I am nervous beyond belief to do this

But more than wanting to do it

I feel I need to do it

I feel like it's my responsibility to speak for us 

For everyone one of you who is out there in your own little corner of the world 

Suffering

Some suffering alone

And in silence

If I can give someone at least a little bit of hope

Then I am happy with that

I know when I first started trying to recover from drugs

It was so important to me that I saw someone who was doing it

Who was actively enjoying recovery

Not enduring it

Someone who had been there

Done that 

Bought the extra small t-shirt

It's so very important to see another human being achieving what we want to achieve 

Because then we know that it is possible

Then we know that it's real

Part of me is feeling like a bit of a fraud though

I mean

In all honesty

I am no poster girl for recovery

I still struggle on daily basis 

I am no where near recovered

But I guess that is a more realistic view of recovery

Recovery is a spectrum

We are all at different points

But we are all on it

What ever stage we are at

Recovery is not so black and white

There is a  huge grey area 

Where most of us reside

I hope to carry a message of hope

And also a realistic version of recovery

I just hope that I can do it justice

As you know

I am not a great speaker

I much prefer to write 

Then I can get the words out at my own pace 

Maybe the fact that I am on the phone will make it easier

I don't know

I had to send a photo of myself that they will show when I am speaking 

Now that was an ordeal

Which photo to choose?

Instead of trawling through them all

I used the first half decent one that o came across 

It was taken last winter 

I am out walking 

And the beach is in the background 

Anyway 

It'll do as they say

With all said

I am throwing the floor over to you

Are there any specific topics or areas that you think I should address?

Is there anything that you think is important to mention?

Any advice you could give the mother of the young girl?

Or anything they you think is worth mentioning?

Do let me know if you can think of anything 

Ok

I'm off to pace manically

And chew my finger nails 

As I await the up coming day.....

Day 6

Today is day 6 of operation don't weigh for a year

Whilst trying to decide whether to do the year or not

My only set of scales decided to give up and die

So whether I like it or not

I am scale free

Goodbye dear scale

You served your time with me

You brought some joy

But mostly you brought despair and disappointment 

I am through with measuring my self worth with you

It will hard to break the tie with you

You were an integral part of my ED

Intrinsically linked to my self esteem and confidence

I'm sure I will miss you

But just like with smoking 

I know I'll get over you

I'm sorry to break up with you do suddenly

But you are causing me too much heartbreak

I can't live this way any more 

It's time for you to go

Our relationship was bad news from the start 

I knew it was unhealthy 

Toxic

I should have known that it would end in tears

I tried to leave many times

But every time you lured me back in

I was too weak to resist

I am stronger now though 

I have some recovery behind men

And for the first time in my life

I feel able to stand up to you 

I won't let you control me anymore 

It doesn't seem like much

 But breaking the cycle with you

Is one of the most important things I can do

So I'm going to do it

Today is Day 6

6 down

359 to go.....

Interview Update

I'm just back from my interview

As I said in previous posts

It's a two year course

Business and computers

Specifically for adults who want to go back to learning 

It's ideal for me

I've been out of education for a long time

So it's a nice way to ease back in to it

I woke up at 5am

I knew I would sleep anymore

So I got up 

And sat with the dogs for a while 

Watched some tv

And dozed on the couch

The interview was on my mind all morning

I knew it would be more of a chat than a formal interview

But I still wanted to do as well as I could

The interview was at 2 15pm

So I got dressed at about one 

I changed my outfit slightly 

And added a blue shirt instead of a white t-shirt

As I thought it looked a bit smarter 

My Dad was here

So he drove me

And we set off at about 1 30pm

After a couple of stops 

We arrived at the school at 2pm

My Dad went and parked 

And I went straight in

I saw a sign telling me where to go

I saw some seats and a girl looking very nervous

I asked her if I was at the right place

She said I was

She seemed super nervous

I tried to make small talk

But she wasn't interested

After a few minutes a girl came out of the interview room

And the girl next to me was called in

When I get nervous 

I always have to pee

So I went for a quick one

When I got back to my seat 

I realised I could hear practically every word of the interview

A heard a couple of questions 

And filed them  mentally so I would have the answers if I was asked too

Soon the girl came out

She wished me good luck

Which was nice of her

Then the door opened again

And it was my turn

My heart gave a flutter of anxiety

And I walked in to the room

There were two women there

They told me their names and who they were

But for the life of me I can't remember 

I sat down 

And the interview began 

They asked me where I'd heard about the course

What interest did I have in the subjects

What exams I had

They saw from my application that I was on disability benefit

And explained that I need to write to social welfare to tell them I am doing the course

They also mentioned the possibility that my payment could be stopped after one year

Which is worrying 

And something I'll have look into

I've been on disability benefit since I was first admitted to hospital in 2008

It's great because they kind of leave you alone 

And only check up on you every few years

I was also able to work a few hours over the years

But  having  the payment cut would cause me a lot of problems 

Anyway

Back to the interview

They asked me about previous work 

Where I had lived 

Had I done any voluntary work

Thankfully I remembered that I had 

When I was an exam scribe

Then asked if there was any reason that I wouldn't make it in to the course

I took this as my opportunity to tell them about the fact that I've struggled with eating disorders

They asked how that would manifeste itself

I said it would probably be a mental thing at first

A crisis of confidence

Or experiencing anxiety

I did however 

Emphasise that I am the bed I've been in a long time

And hoped to continue that way 

They really were very nice 

And said they would do everything to support and help me

I felt so relaxed and comfortable

And got such a good vibe 

After a few more questions 

I couldn't believe I when they said it was lovely to meet me

And just like that

It was all over

I couldn't believe it 

I felt like I had just sat down 

They told me that the offer letters would be posted tomorrow

So I'll be waiting for mine with baited breath

I left the interview feel positive and hopeful

The only stumbling block is the issue of my payment 

Which more than likely will be stopped if I do this course

I guess I have to weigh up which is more important

I will also speak to my mum who works in adult education

Or used to work should I say

As she retires this week

I'll find out as much information as I can

And make a decision the 

I feel wrecked tired after the interview though

I was a bit wound up about it all morning

And it's just nice to have it over and done with

Also

Thank you all for your comments, texts and emails wishing me well

It really means a lot 

Right

I'm off to have a little nap

Are you on the next post....

Honey and Lea

As you know

Honey and Lea are my two dogs

Lea is a beautiful golden retriever 

And Honey is a fiesty terrier

I got them when I moved up here ten years ago

And they both turned ten recently 

Honey came from the local dog shelter 

She had originally been in a home with a single mother and a baby

But she couldn't cope 

So Honey was left on to the shelter 

I can still remember the day I collected her

She was five months old

And so giddy and full of energy and fun

I brought her home

She wasn't in the house ten minutes

When she made herself at home

And jumped up on one of the chairs in our sitting area

She was cheeky from the start

And nothing has changed in that respect

But that is one of the things I love about Honey

That she has a naughty streak

She knows she's only allowed on the kitchen 

But any chance she gets

Age runs out the door and down to my bedroom

One of her favourite things to do is roll around on my bed

And no matter how many times you tell her not to do it

She will chance her arm again and again

A few months after we got Honey

We decided to get another dog

I specifically wanted a retriever

So I found Lea through an advertisement 

Again 

Lea was about five months when we got her

From the start

She was the complete opposite to Honey

When we brought her home

She spent the first day hiding in the bushes at the bottom of the garden

She was super nervous 

And very wary of us to begin with

Over time Lea has improved a lot 

She can still be anxious

But she had come on leaps and bounds

And found her confidence

My dogs have literally been a life saver 

And saved my sanity over and over again

When I couldn't find a reason to get up in the morning

I got up for them

When I didn't want to leave my house

I left to walk them 

They give uncinditional love

And are always so delighted to see me if I so much as leave the room for ten minutes

When I went in to hospital at the end of 2013 - start 2014

My mother and father looked after my dogs 

It was around this time that Leas fur began to fall out

First on a little patch on her back

But it soon spread so that her whole back was almost bald

My mum didn't tell me at the time

As she didn't want to worry me

But when I went home for Christmas 

I saw it for myself

My mum also told me that Lea had sunk in to a kind depression since I had left

I was worried

We brought her to the vet

The took bloods

Checked her hormone levels

But everything came back normal

They couldn't find any medical reason as to why her fur was falling out

I went back to hospital

And Lea continued to deteriorate 

A few weeks later

I was discharged 

And went home for good 

It was soon after this that I overdosed 

And all the professionals stepped in

A plan was put in place

My meds were tweaked 

And slowly but surely 

I began to improve 

I gained weight 

My mood picked up

And my anxiety lessened

Then I noticed that Lea began to perk up

Her mood improved

And miraculously 

Her fur stopped falling out

And began to grown back

We were all shocked here

And my mother came to the conclusion that she had been ill because I was ill

And my illness effected her so much 

That she fell in to a depression and her fur fell out

As I continued to improve

So did Lea

And it did me the world of good to see her recover

As I'm sure it did get to see me

We spoke to a vet afterwards

And she confirmed that it could have been Leas stress levels that made her so unwell

It still blows my mind to think about it

When I was in hospital

Every Wednesday night

A lady brought in a therapy dog

She went around the wards 

Visiting patients

Letting them stroke and play with the dig

So it is recognised that dogs can aid recovery

I know my dogs massively helped me over the years

Even when I was at my sickest

I still walked them daily

Fed them

And played with them

In a lot of ways 

They kept me going 

Helped me hang on

And most definitely kept me sane

Lea and Honey are now both ten years old

Honey has one eye left

But she is still going strong

In dog years 

They are now 70

So really they are elderly 

And I can see it in them 

I just can't imagine life without them

They are part of the family

An integral part of the family

Here they are on Fathers Day

Cheeky Honey will never look at the camera 

Methadone and the scales

It seems that yesterday's post provoked quite a response

Some people really don't agree with methadone 

And see it as a 'free heroin'

And as just another addiction

Others seem optimistic that it works of dispensed correctly

It's the same here on this country

There are thousands of people on methadone 

And it always causes fierce debate

I think it's really a case by case situation

Like most things

Methadone will suit some people

But not others

It depends on how each case is handled individually

Some people genuinely want to get clean

Off everything

And use methadone as a stepping stone to get there

This is probably a healthy way of looking at it

Methadone will provide stability and structure to the addicts life

They will no longer need to turn to crime to fund their habit

They will have the structure of weekly doctor visits 

And possibly daily pharmacy visits

When I first started methadone 

I had to go to Dubln once a month to see the head doctor over methadone  in Ireland

I also had to see my own doctor every other week

I started off on 70mls

And worked my way down over the years

I am now on methadone over ten years

I am pretty sure that a patient is not meant to stay on it indefinitely

But again

I guess it goes by a case by case basis

I have not had ten straight years clean

I have slipped every so often 

It's part and parcel of addiction and recovery 

I know at one point I was down to 18mls

And it looked like I would be off it completely within a year

Now I am back up to 36 mls

And it looks like I will be on it a lot longer

The thing with methadone

Is that there is always the temptation to abuse it

To use on top of it

To sell it

Not to take it properly

I know sometimes patients pretend they need a lot more than they actually do

And sell some of it

People fix their urines

So they give clean urines when in actual fact they are using 

The are lots of ways to fiddle the system 

And people do

I know I did

I do agree that methadone is just as addictive as heroin

If not more so

And is a total nightmare to come off

And withdrawal I've ever had was a lot harder coming off methadone 

They say it gets in to your bones 

Some may say that addiction is addiction 

It doesn't mater if it's cocaine or cornflakes

It's not about the substance 

It's about how it effects your life

And as you all know

I've struggled with my meds

Almost as much as I struggled with illicit drugs

And I really need to get some stability back in my life

So I can function

So I can do my course

So I can learn to live in reality

So I won't worry my family

So I will grow in my recovery

I can't lie

I am super super nervous and anxious to come off my methadone 

It wouldn't bother me if I never came off it

It's sad to say 

But it's the truth

The thought of living in stone cold reality scares the be-Jesus out of me

I really don't know if I can do it

If I can live with out some sort of drug

But the thing is

I know I will never have the things that I want 

If I let myself stay addicted

I won't recover

I won't feel

I won't engage

I won't truly be present

I won't be living in reality

I'll be living in my own fuzzy, cloudy, methadone coloured world

Do I really want that?

I know when I came out of the doctors yesterday 

I thought I would feel good that he increased my methadone

But in reality I felt nothing

I feel nothing

There's nothing to feel

It's hidden beneath layers of meds and methadone 

Do I want to live this way?

I'm not entirely sure

Anyway

On to other matters

You know I've been writing about not weighing for a whole year

Well it seems that the universe took matters in to its own hands 

And since Saturday 

My scale has been broken 

Dead 

Done

Departed 

Finite

I took this as a sign that I should go ahead with my idea

So since Sunday the 21st June

There will be no weighing

Not until 21st June 2016

When I will reasses the situation

Already I feel a sense of freedom

Not knowing the number is liberating 

And not having the anxiety of weighing is a joy

So I think it's a good idea all around 

So it's all go again this week

Back to meetings

Back to Breda next week

Mary 

Seeing friends 

Back on the wagon

Back on track

Baby steps all the way....

D Day

As I type this

I am sitting in the doctors waiting room

I don't need to tell you that I am beyond nervous

I just saw him walk by

And I swear

My heart jumped in to my mouth

I lay awake last night 

Trying to piece together what I was going to say to him

Tossed and turned as I ran through the conversation in my head over and over

Trying to find the right words to explain my situation

It's not easy 

No one likes to admit that they f**ked up

Especially not to their doctor of over ten years

I just keep telling myself 

It will all be over in minutes

Then I can accept whatever decision he makes 

Walk out 

And start getting busy trying to recover

I'm a big girl

I can do this 

Slips are all part and parcel of recovery

I know this

My doctor knows this

Sometimes it's one step forward 

Two steps back

At least for me anyway

Edit: just out of the doctors

And sitting in the chemist waiting for my meds

M doctor knew by looking at me that there was something wrong

'How are you doing?'

'Eerrrmmm ok...'

'That's a very tentative ok'

I sat down and took a deep breath

'I've been messing around

Not with heroin

But with my meds'

'Ok why are you doing that?'

'I don't know

I just get anxious and bored and feel the need to break out every so often

The thing is I have my interview for my course this week and I really want to get back on track

And I'm all over the place at the monent

I can't trust myself at all'

'Are you using anything else?'

'No' I answered honestly 

'Ok' he said 

' you know what this means?'

'I know' I replied

'Daily dispensing fot at least the next couple of weeks

And as well as that I'm going to increase your methadone to 34mls'

Then he seemed to change his mind and said he would increase it to 36 mls

I was actually blown away by this 

That's a 12 ml increase

Any time he had increased it

It's only been by 2-4 mls

So this is him being very lenient

And I very much appreciate that

He spent some time tapping away on his keyboard 

Asking me questions 

Then he wrote out my script 

Told me to try and stay on the straight and narrow

I thanked him and left

It was all over in a matter of minutes

I left feeling a bit bewildered

But glad 

I can never tell how it's going to go with my doctor

Sometimes he over reacts

And gets really frustrated with me

Other times he is calm and collected 

And just gets on with the task in hand

I know I'm hard work

And not an easy case 

I'm sure I'm not who he wants to see first thing on a Monday morning

Me with my baggage and endless troubles with addiction and food

It just never seems to end 

If it's not drugs

It's meds

If it's not meds 

It's bulimia or anorexia

I'm sure I am a doctors worst nightmare

And I am lucky to have the doctor I do 

He has put up with more than a little BS from yours truly

And he is never anything short of kind

My doctor has a conscience

He is ethical

And upstanding

Always doing things by the book

Even though he gets paid handsomely for my methadone treatment 

He has been trying tirelessly for years to get me off it

I've known doctors clock up as many methadone patients as the can

And keep them on file for as long as they can

All in the name of money

I've cursed my doctor over the years

Wishing he would be just a little bit crooked

And prescribe me what ever I want

But in reality 

I know I'm lucky to have such a good doctor 

Even though my meds have been taken in hand 

There is still the opportunity to abuse them

I could store my meds

But I feel positive that I won't 

I have my interview for my course on Thursday

So I really want to be lucid and compos mentis 

The increase in methadone will probably have an effect on me

And make me a little sleepy

So I really want to avoid that on Thursday

I said to my mum today 

'I don't know if you've noticed but I've been abusing my meds recently' 

'Yes of course I have noticed' she replied

'I avoid you when you are like that and there is no talking to you.

It's like talking to a drunk person'

I don't know why

But I was surprised to hear this

Most of the time I go along thinking they no one else notices

But of course they do

It's hard not to miss

Hopefully this is the start of my turning around the meds situation once and for all

My doctor said he is going to reduce 

My methadone over the next few weeks

But I'll believe that when I see it

So all in all

It was a good result

And I feel hopeful about the future 

It just goes to show 

When I do the right thing

And be honest 

Good things do happen

I'd also like to thank all of you for your support, well wishes, advice, comments and emails

You guys have saved my sanity more times than I can count

Your support means more than you will ever know

Thank you

For being there

For listening

Reading 

For your words of wisdom

Your honesty

Your candour

For telling me what I need to hear

And not what I want to hear

Good friends are hard to come by

And I am blessed to count you among mine