Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Sans Scale

Giving up my weighing scales 
Has turned out to be one of the better decisions I have made in recent times
I admit it
For the first few days
I missed it
And spent many hours wondering what I weighed 
But now I'm on Day 10
And I feel like I'm past the withdrawal stage 
And reaping the rewards of not weighing 

Weighing was one of the first things I did of a morning
I woke up 
Used the bathroom
Stripped
And stood on
In the milliseconds that it took the number to flash up
I said a quick and pleading prayer to whatever God was in duty at that time to please show a nice number a safe number 
Or an acceptable number 
Then I would squeeze my eyes open
And peep down at the number 
That number
Dictated my mood 
My self esteem
And self worth for the whole day
There have been times when I sobbed on my bed room floor 
Naked 
Cursing the scale and my big anorexic ass
How dignified
Who ever said eating disorders were glamorous
Come walk a day in my shoes

Anyway 
I just wanted to say that I really recommend getting rid of the scale
In the past year 
I have got rid of two scales 
The first one was thrown in to the lake near my house 
(Sorry Mother Nature!)
And I took a hammer to the second one
Each time I went back to the scale 
Replacing the ones that were destroyed
Like a slave 
I kept going back

Now 
I can honestly say that I don't miss the scale
Not one little bit
The initial few days were tough
As I imagined that without my scale
I was putting on weight by the hour
But 
I am going by how I feel
Rather than what I look like
And I feel pretty ok
Most of the time
So let's go with that 
And also my clothes still fit
So I am not going to freak out just yet

So all in all 
Getting rid of the scale has been very positive
It's freeing 
It's liberating
It's cathartic
It's breaking the ball and chain that is the scale
It's taking back control 
It's saying that I don't want to be a slave to the scale any more
It's taking a stand against your ED 
It's measuring your worth by how you live your life 
And not measuring your worth in pounds and ounces 
So if you are thinking about it
All I can say is
 
DO IT!

I promise you
You won't regret it ....

Monday, 29 June 2015

The Interview....

As you know
A lady called Dyna Fayz contacted me from Levant Tv
Levant Tv is a Middle Eastern tv station based in London
They were doing an item on eating disorders
And having found me through my blog 
Dyna wanted to know if I would speak to them
Along with a psychiatrist and the mother of a young girl with an eating disorder
I spoke to Dyna last week
She outlined what the discussion would revolve around
And what questions I may be asked
It all sounded really exciting
So I agreed to do it
Dyna informed me that the show was to be recorded yesterday
When they would ring me
And I would participate by phone
I also supposed them with a photo they could show their viewers while I was speaking

Over the weekend 
I wrote out some flash cards for myself
Subjects and topics and words to trigger my brain as to what to speak about 
Yesterday morning 
I saw my doctor
Collected my meds
But did t take any
As I wanted to be as alert as possible
Dyna was due to ring at 3 30pm
So my day was spent worrying and fretting
And generally being all over the place
I arranged my notes on the coffee table
Asked my Mum to stay in the room with me
And waited
Half past three came and went 
My nerves were shot
Eventually 
After 4pm
I got the call
A disembodied voice asked me to hold on for Dyna
I could hear the other interviews taking place
Mostly the psychiatrist
After another lengthy wait
I finally was put on to Dyna

I was super nervous
And I could hear the shake in my voice
She started off by asking me a bit about my story
I couldn't tell you what I said
It was all a blur
I do remember trying to speak clearly and confidently 
I didn't use any of my notes 
And mostly spoke off the cuff 
The mother of the young girl also asked me some questions
About whether the negative voice in her daughters head would ever go away
I tried to be as honest as possible
To give a realistic account of what it's like to live with and recover from an eating disorder
The presenter asked the psychiatrist what advice he would give me
He simply said 

'Find out what you want to be and be it'

I thought this was good advice
And is exactly what I am trying to do at the moment 

And just like that 
It was all over 
I couldn't quite believe it
As I hadn't said half of what I had planned to say
There was so much more that I wanted to cover
Everything written on my notes
The interview lasted about fifteen minutes according to my Mum who was in the room with me
But it felt like seconds  
They told me they would send me information about when you the show is broadcast
We said goodbye
And that was it 

At first I felt disappointed
Because I didn't say half the things that I wanted to say
I felt I had said very little really
But my Mum assured me that I had covered quite s lot
How and ever
I did my best
And I just hope that it will help someone just a little bit

I was completely wound up after the interview
Full of nervous energy
I rang a few people to talk it over with
I feel really good that I did it
Because I was full of anxiety about it
I'm really looking forward to seeing it broadcast
And hopefully I can share it with you too

It just goes to show 
The amazing things that can happen through writing a blog
When you put yourself out there
Wonderful things can happen
I write my blog everyday
Sending my words out in to the abyss that is the internet
I never know who is going to read then
Who is going to comment
Or email
Or get in touch with me
I wake up every morning looking forward to reading my emails
As there is always something interesting to find 
The aim of my blog was always to help others and help myself in the process
I really feel like my story has a purpose
That there is a reason why all this happened
You know?
 
If you want to check out Levant Tv
They have a Facebook page 
But otherwise
I will post the link to the show when I get it
Here's hoping it all turns out ok.....

Good News!

Just a quick post this morning
Monday is doctor day as you know
My doctor wasn't very chatty this morning
He asked me how my week went
And how I got on with my new dose
I told him this week went better
But could he please not reduce my methadone this week
He agreed
Last week he said he was going to reduce it by 2mls a week
Which is quite a lot 
He made the point that we were hoping to be completely off it by next Christmas
And now that won't happen
I don't mind though
I would rather be on more methadone and be stable
Than be on less and messing around
So I am still on 36 mls
And that is just fine with me

I came home 
And wrote out some points for my interview this afternoon
They are going to ring me at 3 30pm
And my slot will last around fifteen minutes
I am super nervous 
I just hope I can do you all proud 
And speak honestly and openly
I will do my very best
That's all I can do

In other news
The postman came at about 11am
With One letter for me
My Mum left it on the coffee table for me
I immediately knew what it was
It was from my course
I slowly opened it
And scanned down through the writing
You know what?
I got in!!
I have my place on the course!
Exciting!
I am delighted to have made it on
Now I have some decisions to make
If I accept this place
My disability benefit will be stopped after one year
And I will have to go on Jobseekers
Who very much stay on your back about getting work 
When my payment is stopped
I can appeal it
But that is a nightmare of red tape that I don't want to go through 
The thing is
If my disability is stopped
It will be nigh impossible to get back on it
I was first put on this payment when I went in to hospital for the first time
My psychiatrist wrote to social welfare
And I was immediately put on disability
And it's great to be on it
As they really do leave you alone
No signing on
The money goes straight in to my bank account
No pressure from social welfare
And I also get a travel pass
Which saves me so much money
My case is reviewed every few years
And that is usually just routine questions 
So if I do this course
I will lose that payment
That security
And all the perks that go with it
It really makes no sense to me
But then that's this country for you

I do have other options
I could try and find another course
It's just that I had my heart set on this one
As its specifically for adults returning to education
It's part time
There's a lot of support
And it's near my home
I guess all I can do is find out all my options
Then make an informed decision
I have two months until the course starts
So I will try to make it work 

I am trying to kill time before my interview
It never ceases to amaze me
The things that have happened through my blog
It just goes to show
That if you are willing to put yourself out there
Wonderful things can happen....
 

Sunday, 28 June 2015

Sunday

As long term readers know
Sunday used to always be my worst day of the week
The last day of my meds week 
I always overtook my meds during the week 
And had none left by Sunday
So it was always a long, boring day
Often on the verge of withdrawal
I always tried to get up especially early on a Sunday
To tire myself out
In the hope that I would get some much needed sleep that night

But God almighty Sunday was an endless day
The yawning would start early 
The watery eyes
The runny nose
The dull ache in my limbs
The mental torture
It was not fun let me tell you

By Sunday night
My body would be absolutely exhausted 
But my mind super awake 
It's a horrible way to be
Craving sleep so much 
But not being able to snatch even a few minutes
The night is long when you can't sleep
The minutes become hours
The darkness makes everything seem worse
And it feels like you are the only one in the world who is awake
I tried to kill time by reading
Watching box sets
Chain smoking 
And drinking endless cups of tea
Often I would end up in tears
Just so exhausted
And mentally spent
By the time dawn came around
I was just starting to doze 
But then 8am came
And it was time to get up and go to the doctor 

I would drag myself out of bed 
My eyes bleary
My head fuzzy 
My eyes red and swollen from crying 
I felt wired 
Like the walking dead
Often losing the power to make any kind of sense
I don't miss that

So today is Sunday
And it is such a treat to have meds left
Somehow I even had 5 extra mls of methadone too!
That is just unheard of in my house
So today
I can enjoy Sunday just like everyone else
I can relax knowing that I will sleep tonight
And my friends
Is a freakin' revelation.....

Saturday, 27 June 2015

Nervous Nelly....

Today is Saturday 
Which means the tv show is being recorded the day after tomorrow
And boy am I a nervous nelly 
My heart flutters every time I think of speaking in front of so many people
I am afraid that these people
Family members 
And professionals
Are going to look to me for all the answers
And I'm not sure if I have them
Or even if I have any

I haven't really been prepped for this discussion on Monday
I mean
I had a conversation with Dyna the presenter/ producer
And she outlined what the discussion will centre around
I am worried that I will either babble on like a raving lunatic
Ot completely freeze
And won't be able to utter a word 
I know the other people involved in the discussion are the mother of an eleven year old girl that is suffering with an ED
A psychiatrist
And the director of an eating disorder clinic
I know I will be asked what advice I can give the mother of the young girl
And I've been thinking about it a lot
My disorder developed when I was about 19
So to all intents and purposes I was an adult
So I haven't experienced my ED as a child
Of course the age does not matter
But I do think it makes a difference that this girl is a minor
And her parents are responsible for her
So I'm sure they're doing everything in their power to help their daughter
But the reality is
That no one can make you eat
No matter how hard they try

Eleven years old is so young
And it's such a complicated illness
That I'm sure this poor child does not even understand what is happening to her
But she is not starving herself because she is a happy well adjusted child
Something is going on there
And somehow she has got the message that if she doesn't eat
This will somehow help her situation
I'm sure her and her parents are locked in a battle of wills
And it becomes a competition to see who can hold on the longest 
In this childs mind
Her parents have now become the enemy
And the disorder has become her friend 
In a child's world 
It's as simple as that

EDs change the most well mannered polite person in to a lying, cheating manipulative and difficult person
It's a lot like living with an addict
The addiction takes over
And to the addict
Nothing else matters
Only the drug 
Or the ED
So how do we go about helping someone with an ED?
How does a family navigate the choppy waters that are anorexia or bulimia 
First off
I think we need to recognise that the disorder fulfills a need in the person
The person is getting some sort of pay off
Whether it be control
Attention
The perfect figure
Relief of anxiety
Often the sufferer won't entertain recovery 
Until the negatives of the disorder begin to out weigh the benefits
The first port of call is usually your GP
He/ she is not an expert in EDs
And will refer the sufferer on to mental health services
Or what ever services are available in the community
I saw numerous counsellors and therapists over the years 
And found them of little help
But then I had no interest in getting well
It wasn't until I started seeing Mary a few years ago that I began to even entertain the idea of recovery
I've also been inpatient numerous times
And have come to the conclusion that it is not for me
I don't doubt that it works for some people
But definitely not me
I have always done much better recovering from home
That's probably because I am lucky enough to have a very strong family around me

Often in the grip of an ED
Our world shrinks to just us and the disorder
We push away family and friends 
We lose interest in school and hobbies
And become completely immersed in the ED
We read about it
Watch films about it
Watch documentaries about it
Maybe we speak to others on line about it
Nothing else matters
Nothing else captures our attention like our ED
I thinking the tricks of recovery
Is finding something that matters to you more than the ED
What ever that may be
A hobby
A job
A person
An interest
In my case it was my dogs 
They meant more to me than my ED ever could 
And have massively helped me in my recovery
Everyone has something that they love 
Be it horse riding
Reading
Writing 
Acting
Hula hooping 
It could be absolutely any thing
As long as it means something to you

I don't have all the answers 
All I can do is share what worked for me
And give some one rough guide lines
I'm not an expert
I have been through it
And am lucky to have made it out relatively unscathed 
I like to use the analogy of the wild animal when talking about recovery
I think recovery is like training a wild animal
You can train it 
And manage it 
But there is always the possibility that it will bite
As you can never fully tame it
I never consider myself out of the woods 
I know it's a life long battle
With many hurdles
All we can do is take it day by day
Meal by meal
Keep putting one foot in front of the other
And keep going
To have hope 
Faith 
And courage
And as I always like to say
Baby steps all thee way! 

Friday, 26 June 2015

Tv Show Update

You might have noticed that I deleted a post about an email I got regarding taking part in a tv show
I received an email from a lady from a tv company called Levant Tv
Asking me if I would be willing to take part in a tv debate about eatingdisorders
That is to be recorded next Monday
I was suspicious of the email at first
As it was so general
Out of curiosity 
I emailed the lady back
A response came quickly
And it all sounded very professional
However 
I did want to speak to someone before committing to anything 
So I emailed my phone number 
And asked her to give me a call
The call came in within minutes
And I spoke at length to the lady
She explained that Levant Tv is Lebannese 
And their shows are streamlined on line
As well as being shown on tv in some countries
She described how there would be a few people taking part in this particular show
A psychiatrist
An eating disorder clinic director
The mother of a young girl with an ED
And myself
This lady found me through my blog
And wants me to spread the message of hope
That there is light at the end of the tunnel
And that there is life beyond an ED

To me
This all sounds great
This is exactly the reason that I write my blog
To give others hope 
Yet give an honest and unflinching account of what it's like to live with an eating disorder
I can't lie
I am nervous beyond belief to do this
But more than wanting to do it
I feel I need to do it
I feel like it's my responsibility to speak for us 
For everyone one of you who is out there in your own little corner of the world 
Suffering
Some suffering alone
And in silence
If I can give someone at least a little bit of hope
Then I am happy with that
I know when I first started trying to recover from drugs
It was so important to me that I saw someone who was doing it
Who was actively enjoying recovery
Not enduring it
Someone who had been there
Done that 
Bought the extra small t-shirt
It's so very important to see another human being achieving what we want to achieve 
Because then we know that it is possible
Then we know that it's real

Part of me is feeling like a bit of a fraud though
I mean
In all honesty
I am no poster girl for recovery
I still struggle on daily basis 
I am no where near recovered
But I guess that is a more realistic view of recovery
Recovery is a spectrum
We are all at different points
But we are all on it
What ever stage we are at
Recovery is not so black and white
There is a  huge grey area 
Where most of us reside
I hope to carry a message of hope
And also a realistic version of recovery
I just hope that I can do it justice
As you know
I am not a great speaker
I much prefer to write 
Then I can get the words out at my own pace 
Maybe the fact that I am on the phone will make it easier
I don't know

I had to send a photo of myself that they will show when I am speaking 
Now that was an ordeal
Which photo to choose?
Instead of trawling through them all
I used the first half decent one that o came across 
It was taken last winter 
I am out walking 
And the beach is in the background 
Anyway 
It'll do as they say

With all said
I am throwing the floor over to you
Are there any specific topics or areas that you think I should address?
Is there anything that you think is important to mention?
Any advice you could give the mother of the young girl?
Or anything they you think is worth mentioning?
Do let me know if you can think of anything 

Ok
I'm off to pace manically
And chew my finger nails 
As I await the up coming day.....

Day 6

Today is day 6 of operation don't weigh for a year
Whilst trying to decide whether to do the year or not
My only set of scales decided to give up and die
So whether I like it or not
I am scale free
Goodbye dear scale
You served your time with me
You brought some joy
But mostly you brought despair and disappointment 
I am through with measuring my self worth with you
It will hard to break the tie with you
You were an integral part of my ED
Intrinsically linked to my self esteem and confidence
I'm sure I will miss you
But just like with smoking 
I know I'll get over you
I'm sorry to break up with you do suddenly
But you are causing me too much heartbreak
I can't live this way any more 
It's time for you to go

Our relationship was bad news from the start 
I knew it was unhealthy 
Toxic
I should have known that it would end in tears
I tried to leave many times
But every time you lured me back in
I was too weak to resist
I am stronger now though 
I have some recovery behind men
And for the first time in my life
I feel able to stand up to you 
I won't let you control me anymore 
It doesn't seem like much
 But breaking the cycle with you
Is one of the most important things I can do
So I'm going to do it
Today is Day 6
6 down
359 to go.....