I am away with my parents, my sister and my nephew for a couple of days
We are treating my nephew
As it is his fifteenth birthday
We are in Belfast
Which is in Northern Ireland
So even though technically we are still in the same country
It feels like we are further away
Yesterday
We went and booked our tickets for the Titanic Centre
Then headed in to town for dinner
As this is a trip for my nephew
He is calling the shots on where we go
And he wanted to go to Nandos
So that's where we went
It was my first experience of Nandos
For those of you that don't know
Nandos is a chain of Portugese/African chicken shops
They serve chicken in varying degrees of spiciness and hotness
The ordering system was not good
As we had to order at the till
And there were endless amounts of option
How and ever
We managed to get it done
But the food
Oh my God the food was nothing short of gross
Never again will I enter Nandos
And yes
I did purge
We were all wrecked after eating
So headed back to the hotel
For an early night
I awoke at 6am
And had tea and white chocolate
Today
We got up early
Had breakfast
And headed over to the Titanic Centre
Where we spent a few hours
I took photos which I will post on my next post
When I have more time
Tonight we are going for dinner
Then heading to the cinema to see Terminator Genesis
My nephews choice of course
I have so much more to write about
Including an update on the whole friend situation
So I will post properly when I get home
See you on the next post.......
Pages
Tuesday, 21 July 2015
Sunday, 19 July 2015
Update
You guys!!!
Guess what?
He rang!!!
He actually rang!!
Hold on
Rewind a little bit
I was reading all your comments
And most of them were saying how I should text him back
Be casual but confident
And be a strong independent woman
Bite the bullet
Put myself out there
I had decided not to text him until I got back from my trip on Wednesday
My family and I are taking my nephew away for a couple of days for his fifteenth birthday
And I was glad of the distraction
But then earlier on
I just all of a sudden found some courage and sent him the following text
Hey, just wondering if you still want to meet up, I'm away until Wednesday but can meet up after that if you're still up for it?
I sent it
And threw the phone away
I honestly wasn't expecting an answer
I was doing it more just so I could say that I tried
And would then be able to let it go
I went to make a cup of tea
And when I picked my phone up again
There was a missed call from an unknown number
I started wondering who it was
And then
A couple of minutes later
My phone rang again
And it was him!
I took a deep breath and tried to remain calm
I answered after a few rings
Hello
Hello is that Ruby
Yes this is her
Oh hey this is The Plumber
Can you talk?
Yea sure I can talk
I'm just packing here as we are heading away tomorrow
I'm sorry I didn't get back to you the other night
I wasn't too gone on the whole cafe idea
You sure you wouldn't like to go to the cinema?
Oh yea I would like to go if you'd still like to. Is there anything you'd like to see ?
Sure we'll have a look during the week
Ok well why don't you give me a ring Wednesday or Thursday and we'll go from there
Ok sound I'll speak to you then
See you later
Bye
Thankfully it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was actually calm
And he seemed kind but confident
Yikes I can believe it actually happened
I had seriously written this one off!
So now I have a couple of days to psych myself up
Choose an outfit
Make myself as pretty and presentable as possible
But you know what?
I'm not going to take this too seriously
I'm going to have fun
And enjoy it
And not read too much in to it what ever happens happens
And I can chalk it up to experience
Again
Thank you for all your valuable support
It was really down to you guys that I mustered the courage to text him
It never ceases to amaze me
The amazing live and support that is here in our little corner of blogger
I'm away tomorrow for a couple of days
And probably my won't get to blog
As well be in Northern Ireland
But I promise to update as soon as I can
Until then....
To quote Charlotte.....
It's a day a half later
And still radio silence
I'm 33 freakin' years old
I don't have time to play games!
To quote Charlotte from Sex and the city
'Where is he already?'
But seriously folks
It doesn't look like he's going to text back
I think this ship may have sailed
I can either suck it up
And move on to the next available tradesman
Or bite the bullet
And text him myself
Either option is not very appealing
I have a draft of a text written
I've been so close to sending it
But something keeps stopping me
So I am going with my gut feeling
And holding back
I just can't figure out what happened
I mean
We were texting back and forth
And as soon as I mentioned going for coffee
It's like he seized up and froze
Or maybe he thought
'F**ck this for a game of soldiers, I'm out!'
Maybe I was too interested
Or not interested enough
Maybe he's seeing other girls
Maybe he's afraid of enclosed spaces that serve coffee
Maybe he's allergic to coffee
Maybe there's been a plumbing emergency
And him and all his plumber friends have been called away on an extremely important job
The possibilities are endless
I mean
I don't even care where we go now
We could go bird watching
Or train spotting
Or hang gliding
In really not fussy anymore
You know
It really wasn't easy for me to put myself out there
And actually show interest in this guy
For the past decade
My addiction and ED have been holding me hostage
And boys were the very last thing on my mind
I was in a kind of anorexia enforced celibacy
And I was fine with that
I mean you don't miss what you don't have right?
So to actually engage with a member of the opposite sex is a monumental step for me
(I almost wrote a member of the opposite species, but last time I checked men were still the same species as us ladies right?)
I don't know girlies
I am at a loss
Maybe I should just cut my losses
Or just text him
I haven't decided yet
Thank you for all your support at this difficult yet exciting time
It means the world
You seem to be divided between texting him back it not
With just a little more suggesting that I text him back
I guess I will see how today pans out
And whatever happens
I will as ever keep you posted....
Saturday, 18 July 2015
The plot thickens....
So
When I last left you
The Plumber had texted me on Thursday night saying that he would contact me yesterday
And he did
He texted last night with a simple
How are you?
I Immediately went to consult with my sister and Mother
And after some discussion
I texted back
Hey I'm good, how you?
Exciting stuff so far!
While we waited for his response
I chatted with my Mum and sister
They think he sounds like he is quite shy
And my sister urged me to bite the bullet and ask him out
Then my phone pinged a message
So do you want to meet up?
You can imagine the scene
Me and my Mum and sister
All on the couch
Squealing as the texts went back and forth
We had been watching a film
But my sister said that this drama was much better
So I texted back
Yea sure, what do you suggest?
Then we were all thinking about what would be a good first date
I have to admit
I've never been on a date as such
Yes, I've gone out with boys
But this felt different
Like an actual, proper, grown up date
Phone pings again
Maybe cinema or something, what you think?
My Mum didn't think the cinema was a good idea
She said it was too much of a 'commitment'
My sister suggested just going for a coffee
And i liked that idea
As there was no pressure
It could be as long or as short as we wanted
So I texted back
What about going for tea or coffee? Is there anywhere you'd like to go?
I was gently trying steer him away from the whole cinema idea
He texted back
And this is where things started to head south
I can't think of anywhere but I can make you a coffee, what you think?
I laughed when I read this
As I thought he was being smart
But my Mum and sister thought it sounded like he didn't really do coffee
I texted back
What about 'local coffee shop' for tea/coffee and see how we go from there?
I waited for a response
And waited
But nothing
I haven't heard from him since
This is really disappointing
I could give him the benefit of the doubt
Maybe he ran out of credit
Maybe he had to go on an emergency plumbing job
Maybe he lost the power of his hands and couldn't text
I live in hope...
But seriously guys
You know that I don't like head games
Why would he just not text back?
Again
My Mother and sister pointed out that he seems really shy
And maybe couldn't cope with a face to face date
So then I was thinking that maybe I should have just agreed to the cinema in the first place
And have I f**ked it all up now?
I don't know
My head hurts from thinking about it so much
Reading over the texts again and again
Trying to figure out what I did wrong
My sister thinks I should text him again
But all I could think was that it was his turn to text
And I didn't want to seem too keen
You know?
You my lovely little blogger family have been so spot on with advice about this whole thing
So I am throwing the floor open to you
What am I doing wrong?
Have I done anything wrong?
What should I do now?
Should I text him again?
Or wait for him to get back to me?
I eagerly await your response.....
Friday, 17 July 2015
The plumber and other stories.....
It was yesterday evening
I was at home
Watching tv
Minding my own business
When my phone pinged a text
I opened it think it might be my friend who I had texted shortly before
I opened my messages
And saw a number I didn't recognise
With three simple words
How you Ruby?
My mind went blank for a moment
As I tried to process the number
And the words
I ran through the possibilities in my hand
My first thought was that it was The Boy
It could be
He is prone to random texts out of the blue
I wondered then if it was someone from the meetings
But the other possibility
Was that it was the plumber
After about 15 minutes
I finally worked up the courage to text back
I simply said
Hey, who is this?
I went back to watching my show
I didn't get my hopes up
Or have any expectations
In reality it could have been anyone
But still
There was still a little piece of me that hoped it was him
The next few minutes dragged on forever
I kept checking my phone
Looking for a reply
A clue to who this mystery person was
Finally
After about ten minutes
My phone pinged again
Same number
With the words
'His name' I got your number off your neighbour, you Ruby?
OMG it was him!
It was The Plumber!
Holy shit!
I legged it in to the kitchen
Where my mum and sister were
They demanded that I read out all the texts so far
Which I did
My sister told me to play it cool
Which I think was good advice
So I sat down to reply
And this is what I wrote
Oh hey, yea this is Ruby, my neighbour told me that she gave you my number, how you?
I tried to be casual but interested
Not too try hard but friendly
And waited for a reply
It came a few minutes later
I'm good, I'll talk to you tomorrow
I was a bit confused at this
But decided not to text back
So the ball is now in his court
As my sister says
I'll let him take the lead
But seriously people
I have no idea what I am doing
This is unchartered territory for me
I haven't had a boyfriend in years
In a whole decade
I have no idea of the way it works now
And I'm not in to playing games
I'm not into messing with people's heads
I like people to be honest
And straight forwards
And I try to be too
So what happens now?
That's what I want to know
I'm taking it from his last text that he is going to contact me today
Probably this evening
As he will be working during the day
But honestly
My self esteem and confidence is not the best at the moment
And heck
If I don't like or love myself
How can I expect any one else to
I kept saying to my Mum and sister
That when he sees me up close
He'll soon lose interest
And he'll see what a loser I really am
My sisters advice Is good
And she knows because she is alwAys dating someone
She tells me to just be myself
Maybe go for coffee
See if we like each other
And take it from there
So that's what I will do
But if you have any other advice
Or words of wisdom
I would really appreciate it
If we were lonely hearts
It would probably read something like this...
Him: Tall, dark, hard worker, good with pipes
Her: Blonde, shy, GSOH, seeks man that must love dogs
Help!!!
Thursday, 16 July 2015
Are we all addicts?
I've written this post maybe twice before
First back in 2012
After I watched the documentary by the same name presented by Cherry Healy
And again in 2013 when I did an updated version
Now it's July 2015
So I think we are due an update
To see if we are still hanging on to the same old addictions?
Have we moved on?
Have we acquired new ones?
Where are we on the spectrum that is addiction?
The reason that I am writing this post today
Is that I was listening to the radio this morning
To one of the phone on shows
And one woman had rung in with a problem she was having
She described how she couldn't stop buying scratch cards
And was spending a huge amount of money on them every week
She felt she was spinning out of control
As she was lying to get husband and children
And was using money from their joint savings account
So her husband was going to find out sooner or later
This lady was in a lot of distress
And felt that she was addicted
She described how she went from shop to shop to feed her addiction
And how it was taking over her life
And ruining her peace of mind
I could relate to this woman so much
The only thing that was different was the substance
And that's the thing I have found over the years
The essence of addiction is the same
The lying
The cheating
The manipulation
The shame
The guilt
The utter misery
But the substance can vary wildly from person to person
In my case it was alcohol and drugs to begin with
And that morphed in to other addiction over the years
As I always say
It's the same shit
Different substance
I think I was born with an addictive personality
Addiction and mental health issues are rife on my fathers side of the family
And in my own immediate family of six
Four of us have experienced addiction
Thankfully all four of us are in some form of recovery
Which I am eternally grateful for
The first thing I became addicted to was sugar
I craved it constantly
I think my food issues started at a very young age
I loved my food
And I was such an active child that I burned it all off
Had I not been so active
I'm pretty sure that I would have had a weight problem
I ate that much
As I grew in to a young teenager
I started shop lifting
And that quickly became an addiction too
And has continued to be a problem up until very recently
Stealing was par for the course when I was in active addiction
And also featured a lot during my ED
As you know
I was caught shoplifting recently
Thankfully the shop owner decided not to call the cops
I don't know why
But she let me go
That whole day was a nightmare
I kept thinking that I was in a dream
And that I was going to wake up any moment
But I didn't
It was all very real
The guilt and shame I felt was overwhelming
I was so disappointed in myself
So annoyed that it had come to this
They only saving grace is that I have now stopped shoplifting
I thank my lucky stars that I wasn't prosecuted
I know it could have turned out a lot different
I was thinking of sending the shop owner an apology letter
But my gut toms me to leave well enough alone
So I did
Age fourteen
And I smoke weed for the first time
Over the next few years I dabble
And age 18 I became addicted to heroin
As well as various other prescription meds
The next five years are a blur
Eventually I put the needle down
But I picked up alcohol and pills
As my world began to crumble around me
I knew I had to get clean and sober
I was put on methadone
And that helped me to get stable
Since then I've had many slips and relapses
But that's part and parcel of recovery
From the age of 14
I was a heavy smoker
And smoked 30 a day
Spending €100 a week on cigarettes
I loved smoking
And if I was rich
I have no doubt that I would still be smoking
I didn't give up for health reasons
I wish I could say that I did
But I gave up because I couldn't afford them
It's as simple as that
I am now almost one year smoke free
But as is the pattern with me
When I get one addiction under control
Another one spins out of control
And at the moment
That is internet shopping
Over the last year
I have bought clothes every week
Mostly on line
I see something I like
I think my life would be complete if I had that item of clothing
I order it on line
And basque in the delight that there is a parcel on its way to me
And getting said parcel is such a buzz
Taking it in to the house
And testing it open is such a rush
Better than Christmas
I try the item on
And for those few minutes I am satisfied
I wear the item once
The novelty wears off
And I am back on the hunt on the Internet for the next item
It's getting out of control though
Seriously
My bedroom is bursting at the Sean's with clothes
I shit you not
Other addictions I have are drinking tea
I drink 15 -20 cups of hot sweet tea a day
I am constantly boiling the kettle
And I enjoy every single one of them
I'm drinking air more since I quit smoking
It's just really comforting to have a piping hot cup of tea
It warms my body and my soul
White chocolate
Another addiction
It has to be Millybar
No other bar will do
Millybar is soft and creamy and it melts in your mouth
I buy five family size bars a day
And eat every single one of them
They don't always have them in my local shop
So when I see them
I tend to stock up
So today I bought ten
But that won't even last me two days
I just can't get enough of the stuff
Hunky Dorys
These are crisps
Or chips if you are from the U.S.
It has to be this brand
And it has to be salt and vinegar flavour
I'm ashamed to admit
That I sometimes have these for my breakfast
I buy two family size bags a day
And again
Stock up when I can
I swear it's a wonder that I am not obese
What else?
Since I bought my first iPhone last year
I am pretty much addicted to it
It's like another limb
I'm so attached to it
Television
I am such a tv addict
I love to lose myself in a show
It takes me out of my own head
And my own thoughts
It's an escape for me
I watch everything from dramas
To trashy reality tv
I don't discriminate
Meds
I'm on variety of meds
Including methadone
Not one but two anti depressants
And a high dose anti anxiety meds
I mean it's a wonder I'm still standing I take so much medication
I am mentally and physically addicted
And can't imagine life without them
Reading
I love a good book
I guess this is a very healthy addiction to have
I read the same books over and over again
There is something so comforting about that
Other addictions include exercise to a certain extent
Purging
Which is the Bain of my life
Sleep
I love to sleep
And love going to bed at night
I adore that time of the night
When I get in to bed
Those few minutes before I fall asleep
When my body and mind are exhausted
My head is clear
Not a care in the works
And then slip in to the land of nod
I love it
With all that said
I was wondering about you
What are you addicted to?
Do you have an addictive personality?
How do you deal with your addictions?
Fo they help or hinder your life?
Answers on a postcard please....
Wednesday, 15 July 2015
The Plumber Update
Do you remember a couple of months ago
I wrote about the whole plumber situation
And how my neighbour was trying to play Cupid
And set us up together
So she did some digging
Not because I asked her to mind
She took this on all herself
Because even though I have seen him a couple of times from a distance
I don't think I would be able to pick him out in a line up
Anyway
So she found out that he was single
And he told her that he is 'approachable'
I didn't think about it again
Until I was speaking to my neighbour yesterday
When she told me that he asked her for my number!
My neighbours memory is not the best
So she couldn't give me an accurate account of the conversation they had
But she does remember him asking for my digits
Which she promptly gave him
All I could do was laugh when she told me
But part if of me was secretly pleased
After that
I was alert everytime my phone rang
My anxiety was on full alert
Then last night my phone rang
I checked to see who it was
But I didn't recognise the number
Thinking it could be him
I couldn't bring myself to answer it
And hoped he would leave a message
When the phone stopped ringing
It pinged that there was a voice mail
I went and got my sister
And we settled down with cups of tea to listen to the voice mail on speaker phone
I dialled the number
And we both waited with baited breath
The phone went to messages
It beeped
We angled out ears to the phone
And.....
....nothing
It was like someone had forget to end the call
And had just left it on
So I could hear them
But they didn't know their phone was still on
We listened for a couple of minutes before the phone went dead
I didn't know if it was him or not
My sister urged me to ring the number back
But I couldn't
I just didn't have the courage
So I decided I would text him
I saved his number under the name Plumber
And when I went to text the number
A conversation popped up on my phone
I could see that it was a woman from the meetings
So I decided to ring the number
And lo and behold
It was the woman from the meetings
Who had dialled my phone by mistake
What an anticlimax
Anyway
He now has my phone number
So the ball is in his court
I might have to question my neighbour again
To see if I can find out some more information
To be honest with you
The thought of a boy/man ringing me is absolutely terrifying
I mean I am so out of practise
So so rusty
And my confidence isn't great at the best of times
So I don't know what I am going to do if he rings
It seems the older I get
The more difficult things like this become
I can remember being in my early twenties
And talking to boys was not a problem
Confidence wasn't a problem
But now
Well I guess given what I have been through in the last ten years
My confidence has been knocked out of me
Oh Well
I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come it
In the mean time
Do any of you lovely ladies have any dating advice for me?
How do you think I should play this?
All suggestions welcome
I am so damn nervous about this whole thing
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