Something wicked this way comes.....

For a while there 

My ED was in the background 

It had never fully gone away

But it wasn't the main focus of my life

And it had gone somewhat underground 

I guess because now that I am a healthy weight

People who know no better presume that I am recovered

Fixed 

All better 

When the truth is that I am still struggling 

People are just relieved that I am not underweight anymore

And I am too

The thing is 

I don't want to be super skinny anymore 

I don't want to be sick

And I don't want to die anymore 

I really don't

I want to live 

For the first time in a long time 

I actually want to live 

And more than be thin

I just want to feel ok in my skin

My eating is still very disorderd 

I don't eat regular meals and snacks 

I graze through out the day

And if I do eat a meal 

It doesn't stay down

Granted 

I don't binge and purge the way I used to 

It used to be constant

From the minute I woke up 

Until I fell in to bed that night wrecked emotionally and physically

I was purging up to 20 times a day 

Every day I promised would be the last 

But then I would get up the next morning

And the whole horrid cycle would start again

It was relentless 

Unforgiving 

A living hell

But just as quickly as it started 

It stopped 

Just like that 

Not completely of course

I still purge

But no where near as much as I used to

It was around the time that my meds were tweaked 

In combination with my being utterly sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

It was also around the time I took a 'half hearted' over dose 

I just couldn't go on that way anymore

It was killing me

Killing me slowly 

It came down to a simple choice

It was either recover 

Or die 

The past couple of weeks have been tough 

And my resilience has been pushed to breaking point 

It's funny how when things go belly up

We go back to the things that comfort us

That quell the anxiety 

And ease the pain 

My mental and physical health have suffered recently

I have been to a meeting in two weeks 

My ED has been back in the driving seat

And I'm constantly looking for ways to escape

I feel hurt and used 

And I feel let down by people who should know better

But that's life I guess

There are bad people out there 

I've just had the misfortune of meeting more than my fair share of them 

I was Googling something this morning

And a weight calculator popped up

It was one where you enter your gender

Your age 

and your height 

And it tells you the healthy weight range for you

Being 5'4

It told me that my ideal weight range is 116 pounds to 145 pounds

I'm in the lower range of this range

And I was glad about that 

But I have to say 

That the number doesn't mean as much as it used to

I used to have a visceral reaction to seeing the number

But now 

I feel very little 

As long as my clothes fit me 

And I feel ok 

I am good 

But there are some behaviours that are so ingrained 

I don't know if they will ever change 

There is still the question of whether I am starting my course in September

I think I wrote about the fact that my disability benefit will most likely be cut when I start the course

But Mary found out that if I got a letter from my doctor and my consultant  stating that the course would be of therapeutic value 

Then hopefully they wouldn't cut it

So I have the letters 

And I have accepted my place on the course 

I just don't know if I'm ready

I mean 

In a lot of ways it would be good for me

Getting out 

Getting an education

Meeting new people 

But another part

The part that is afraid and full of anxiety 

Wants to stay home 

Watch tv

And drift in and out of sleep 

Because even though I am loathe to admit it

That's what I'm doing at the moment 

I don't know guys

I know I can't go on like this forever 

And it's no way to live 

But it's comfortable 

It keeps me nicely numb 

I don't have to worry about anything 

And the truth is 

That everything is easier when I am slightly out of it 

More bearable 

And there are none of the negative effects of using illegal drugs

I don't have to worry about money 

Or where I'm going to stay 

Or how I'm going to get the drug

It's all written down on a script

That is given to a pharmacist 

And then handed to me over a counter

I don't even have to pay for it

And I must stress 

That this is the case 

Even when I don't misuse my meds

When I take them as prescribed

I am still on the nod 

Still sedated 

And sleepy 

And God forgive me for enjoying that 

It's down to me how things go from here

I can either lie down and let my ED and my addiction kill me

Or I can stand up and fight

I'm just so very tired of fighting 

So tired of having to pick myself up 

Again and again 

But I will

It's not my style to give up 

So I won't 

And that's a promise 

Sick

Apologies 

Just a quick post today

I've been up since the early hours with s funny tummy

Think I might have a bug

So back to bed for me 

And plenty of fluids

Hopefully normal service will resume tomorrow

The aftermath

I I'm trying to move on after the whole date debacle 

And also my 'friend'

I'm wondering what is wrong with me

Why people think it's ok to treat me this way

I can't decide what to do about my friend

She texted this morning

Asking me to call in to her 

I haven't replied yet 

It's like sometimes she the nicest person 

And then other times she is just down right rude

I know she wants to be friends with me

But as we've got closer

I see another side to her

One that I don't like

My food has suffered through all of this

I've been so anxious and on edge the last couple of weeks

That eating properly has been last on my list 

When I'm anxious

I literally can't eat

It's been noticed by family members 

My weight too

I don't know if I've lost 

As I have no battery for my scale

And keep forgetting to get one

But my clothes feel a little looser

God forgive me for enjoying that

This would be the perfect excuse to jump head first back in to my ED or addiction

To hit that big self destruct button that has been gathering dust the last few months

I'm not going to lie to you

I over used my meds today

Just to check off the planet for a while

To escape the noise in my head 

And for the sweet release of sleep 

Tomorrow I will get back on track

Tomorrow I will go to a meeting

Tomorrow I will take my meds correctly 

Tomorrow I will meet my friend from treatment

Tomorrow I will start eating properly 

Tomorrow I will start as I mean to go on

Today I just need a day off 

To escape 

To lick my wounds 

And wait for time to heal

I'm not ok

But I will be

Tomorrow...

Let down again.....

So

It's three days later after the whole date debacle

And I'm happy to report that I am well and truly on the mend 

I have built a nice big bridge

And am slowly but surely getting over it

Saturday I was quite distraught

But I can't tell you how glad I am that I stuck to my guns and didn't go along with his 'horny teenager' antics

Oh the relief is just immense 

I just have to keep telling myself 

This was only practise for the real thing

Which I'm sure will happen

All in good time

Through this whole thing

You my little blogger family have been there every step of the way

As well as my Mum and my sister

I couldn't have got through this without you all

And I am so grateful for that 

My 'best friend' has been no where to be seen

Even though she knew I was going on a date

She texted me Saturday

Wanting to know why she hadn't heard from me

I told her about the date 

She seemed more interested in her own stuff

It was then I got the call from The Plumber

So I texted my friend what he had said

I was starting to get really upset

So I decided to ring said friend

No answer

A few minutes later I got a text from her saying that she was hoovering and couldn't answer

What the......?

She texted me yesterday

Didn't mention the date 

I texted her that I wasn't feeling well

'What's that all about?' She texted back

 

I don't know guys 

Am I being overly sensitive?

I don't think so 

I spoke to my Mum about it

She said that if I want to be friends with this girl 

I have to accept that she is the way she is

I'm just not entirely sure I want a friend like this

I'm starting to think that I might be a push over

A door mat 

A people pleaser

Maybe I need to toughen up

Stand up for myself 

Because it seems to be a pattern now that people are walking all over me

And I don't like it 

To be honest

I am more hurt by my friend

The Plumber was just a random guy

Chancing his arm

My friend is a different story 

She should know better

She should know a lot better

I remember reading somewhere once 

That people treat you the way you let them

And I think I've been letting people treat me like shit

This has to stop

And I must stop it

Instead of worrying about people who are not worth worrying about 

I'm going to throw myself head first in to my recovery

I'm going to bang in the meetings

Focus on myself 

And getting stronger

Stick with the winners as they say

It's tough

But I guess we have to be picky about who we choose to have in our lives 

Who we spend time with

Who we tell our secrets to

Who we listen to

Who we confide in 

Because people are human 

They are not infallible 

We make mistakes

We hurt others 

And we get hurt

But I think there comes a point where you have to draw a line and start looking after ourselves

Protect ourselves from these kind of people

I guess it's down to me to decide who I allow in to my life

But I don't live in a big city 

Where I can avoid people if I want to

And make new friends easily

I live in a small town 

Where I am bound to run in to these people at some point

But hey 

I will cross that bridge when I come to it

I also forgot to tell you

When I was in Belfast

My friend texted me and asked me why I wasn't texting her back 

I told her why

She turned the whole thing back on me

And said I had stood her up many times

And that she was always there for me

We were texting back and forth 

I could tell she was pissed 

But I actually ended up apologising to her

How f**ked up is that?

I'm not looking for a whole lot of friends

I don't care how many Facebook friends I have

I just want a couple of people who I can trust and rely on

In actual fact 

I do have that

I have my friend from treatment who is a true friend

And my other friend Paul 

Who I've known since I moved here

Interestingly 

They are both a lot older than me

I think I tend to get on better with older people 

So at least I know that 

For now 

I will tend to my wounds 

And let myself heal

As they say

Once bitten 

Twice shy

And I've been bitten more than one person should 

Over before it even started

So yesterday was tough

During the day 

I took some time to recover from the stress of the whole date situation 

I called over to my neighbour

I thought she would be interested to hear about the date 

Seeing as she had a hand in getting us together

Her reaction was very strange

At first when I told her 

She seemed really confused

Like she didn't know what to say

Then she asked me if I was sure he didn't have a girlfriend hidden away somewhere

And quickly changed the subject

I left

Feeling like something felt fishy about the whole situation

Then last night he rang 

I missed the call

And rang him back about 40 minutes later

Straight off he said that he'd had a nice time the night before 

But didn't want to take things further

I didn't know what to say

So I said I felt the same way too

And that it would probably be best if we stayed friends

I got off the phone

Feeling a little  shell shocked

The first thing I thought was thank God I didn't go along with him the night before

Thank God I stuck to my guns and out a stop to it

As I am now thinking that he was only after one thing

And that he possibly still has a girlfriend 

Even though I wasn't sure if I liked him or not

I still felt hurt and rejected 

I had told everyone that the date went well

And I just felt so stupid and used

Of course it's his perogative whether he likes me or not

But the reaction of my neighbour

And him pouncing on me

It just doesn't add up

I won't lie

I almost fell apart last night

I shed a few tears 

Spoke to my mother and my sister 

The general consensus was that he wasn't worth my tears

But I still felt stung

I mean

I can't stress how much of a big deal it was for me to go on this date

I was so anxious that I hadn't eaten for two and a half days

The whole thing has just left a bad taste in my mouth

I went to bed early last night

And wine in the early hours with trapped wind 

I was so uncomfortable 

I kept having to go to the bathroom

It finally disapated this morning 

Over all I feel better this morning 

Last night I felt like such a failure

Such a freak

That no one could like or love me

I went from zero to suicidal very quickly 

I also craved drugs like nobodies business 

Anything just to get away from these horrible feelings

So that's it

It's over before it even started

It's left me feeling confused and rejecrted 

And pretty sure that he still has a girlfriend 

I'm just sorry that he picked me to use 

As I really don't have the emotional strength for this kind of thing

This morning I feel a little better

Determined to pick myself up and move on

I've decided to throw myself in to my recovery 

And improving myself 

So that the next time this happens 

I will be in a better position to deal with it

My first date hasn't been a great experience

But then he didn't know that 

As ever

I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going 

It's just hard to stay positive all the time

It's hard to stay together

But I will 

What other choice do I have?

Truth is stranger than fiction

So

It's the morning after the night before 

You guys

I actually went!

I can't quite believe it!

On my gosh

Yesterday was tough

My anxiety was through the freakin' roof

I walked the dogs in the morning

Went in to town in the afternoon

Saw Mary at 2pm

Told her about my date

She was super excited for me

Which was nice

She told me it was completely natural to be nervous 

But I was anxious to the point where I was hoping he wouldn't call

I was actually praying that he didn't like me

And because I was going out 

I didn't want to take my meds

And risk being all sleepy and dopey

So I was on high alert all day

I got home from town at about 4 30pm

I was so keyed up that I couldn't eat a thing

Then I realised that I couldn't remember if we said I was going to text him

Or if he was going to text me

So I agonised over that for a couple of hours

My sister was away

So I only had my Mum here for support

But she was great 

And helped me every step of the way

I decided to wait for him to text

And he did

At about 6 30pm

Hey you want to go to cinema at 8 15pm or 11pm?

Part of me was glad he texted 

Part of me wasn't

I texted back

8 15pm I guess, if that suits you?

A few minutes later he rang 

And we arranged to meet outside the cinema 

I said I would give him a ring when I got there

All too soon it was time to get ready

To save on time and stress 

I had already picked out what I was going to wear

Blue sleeveless shirt

Blue ripped jeans 

My Roxy sneakers 

And black leather jacket

Casual

But smart

I straightened my hair

And wore minimal make up

Before I knew it

It was time to go

But I had one dilemma

I was meeting him there

And I wasn't 100% sure what he looked like

So I had to come up with a strategy

I decided to arrive early

As I was to ring him when I arrived

My plan was to wait just inside the door

And be on my phone when he came in

So he would have to come up to me and say my name 

I could imagine myself wandering up to single men saying

Are you The Plumber?

Are you The Plumber?

The hardest part was actually getting from my front door to the car

I really didn't want to go

But all I could think was that it would all be over in a few hours 

And I would kick myself if I didn't go

So I said goodbye to my Mum

My dogs were sound asleep

Completely oblivious that their Mama was going on a date 

For a moment I wished I could swap places with one of them 

But

I got my shit together

Grabbed my car keys

And headed out in to the big bad world of dating

Once I got in my car 

I was surprisingly calm

I was thinking about the most bizarre things

My head really was in a strange place

I arrived about 8 10pm

Positioned myself just inside the cinema door 

Took out my phone

And pretended that I was sending some very important texts

I rang him

Told him where I was

And waited

You know the way when you speak to someone on the phone first

You kind of build up a picture of them in your head?

Well I had an image of what he looked like

I knew he was tall

But apart from that I had no clue what he looked like

I looked up from my phone

And saw a white van with blacked out windows 

I suspected that was him

So I went back to my phone

I could sense him approaching 

I braced myself 

Hello Ruby?

Yea hey?

We headed in to the cinema

Got our tickets 

He paid which was nice

He got a drink

I just couldn't stomach anything 

We headed in

We were the only people there 

In the whole cinema

We took our seats 

And I took of my jacket as I was starting to sweat

Surprisingly 

Conversation flowed

We chatted easily

Laughed at the fact that we had the whole cinema to ourselves

And bonus

He was really cute

Talk

Broad 

Nice smile

Kind eye

Things were looking up...

The film started

As I said in previous posts

I was not thrilled about going to see Amy

But I had kind of prepared myself to be disconnected

So I wouldn't get upset

The documentary was great though

So much amazing footage

But it was so very sad

At times I had to remind myself that this was really her life

And not fiction

I just find the whole thing incredibly upsetting

I followed her career

Watched her rise to fame 

And her spectacular downfall

To be honest

I was glad when it was over

We both stretched 

And got up from our seats 

We headed outside

I was kind of afraid he would suggest going for a drink

But he didn't

Do you want to come back to mine for tea or are you heading home?

I decided what the hell?

I could go for an innocent cup of tea

So I followed him in my car back to his house

He lives on his own 

And has a really lovely house

Typical blokes house

Sparse and bare

With a huge f**k off tv

And various computer consoles 

He turned on the tv

Made tea 

And settled on the couch

Again 

Conversation came pretty easily 

I felt relaxed 

Even when he turned off the main light and switched on a low lamp

I managed to stay cool

We were watching a show about a hypnotist

Which was good as it was funny

As soon as it was over

You guys!!!

He totally jumped my bones!

I swear I didn't even see it coming!

One minute we were just sitting there

The next he had pounced on me!

I felt like I'd been hit by Mike Tyson

Holy shit I really wasn't expecting that

I went along with it

Up to a certain point

When i started to feel uncomfortable I kind off pushed him off

And put a stop to his wandering hands

I mean he was going from zero to 60 very freakin' quickly

Go easy I said

Calm down a bit

He got the message and backed off 

I was honest

I said I hadn't done this in a long time 

So he really needed to pace himself 

He got the message

And I was glad 

I just can't even go there in my mind 

And I was a bit annoyed that he had put me in that position

I mean maybe this is what happens 

Maybe I am being naive thinking that good old fashioned manners are still practised

I really don't know

I decided to head home

And said so

He leaned in again

I gave a little 

A very little

And pushed him off again

By now he had definitely got the message

I put on my jacket

And managed to nearly fall flat on my face as my foot caught in the strap of my bag

Ha!

Typical me

Graceful to the bitter end 

Needless to say

Things were a bit awkward after that 

I tyres to compose myself 

And stood up to leave

I walked over to the double doors to leave the living room

But the door wouldn't open 

I was pulling it and pushing it but it wouldn't budge

Eh it's the other door 

Don't worry I haven't locked  you in

I  thought that was funny

And laughed

Oh I almost forgot

In between everything he told me that he was single

Get this

Only the last couple of weeks!

I was really surprised to hear this

As it's been more than that since he asked my neighbour about me

Red flags flying up all over the shop 

I made my way to the front door 

He leaned in again

Said he would text tomorrow

And I left

Oh my goodness 

I was glad to get back to the safety of my little car

I started the engine and made for home

Trying to process everything that had happened

I had to smile as I though back on the night

I'm not sure if I like him or not

I mean

He's definitely good looking

But I worried that he thought of me as a one night stand

As that was really the last thing I was looking for

I arrived home

My Mum had waited up 

I told her all about it

Omitting the fact that I had been pounced on

She told me that she had been half expecting me to arrive home early

Or not go through with it at all

It would have been easy to cancel 

But I don't get dates that often

And I really wanted to get out there in the big bad world

Really live

Really push my boundaries

And I sure as hell did that

My sister texted me

And I filled her in

She thought it was hilarious

And I guess it was kind of funny

Men are strange creatures for sure

I was all wound up when I got home 

And tried to relax with a cup of tea

But my mind just kept playing the nights events over in my head again and again

I went to bed 

Read for a while

And eventually drifted off to sleep 

So now it's morning

And I find myself hoping that he will text

Just to know that someone likes me would be enough

I mean he must have been attracted to me or he wouldn't have jumped me right?

Unless he was just looking for one thing

And I truly hope he wasn't

That is just not my style

And he's going to have to suck that up

I have no idea where this will lead 

I mean I'd like to see him again

I think 

But again

I'm expecting nothing

And not getting my hopes up

Gosh this past few days have been stressful

At least now I can relax today

Take my meds 

And have a day off

During the film I did wonder what he would make of me having the same issues as Amy

He strikes me as being really good, decent and clean

But I'm also glad I didn't tell him any of my past

That would have been way too heavy

But still

It's a worry 

I am just glad that I actually went on the date 

And that I made it out alive

It will be interesting to see if he texts or rings

Iive in hope.....

Also 

Thank you do very much for your support through all of this 

You guys have been a tower of strength

And I know I couldn't have done it without you

You are all shining stars 

Love you all to bits and pieces 

Amy, Amy, Amy.....

So 

When I last left you 

I was just home from Belfast 

I took yesterday off

And only left the house to walk the dogs

And do a bit of food shopping 

I had last heard from The Plumber on Sunday

And he said he would contact me when I was home

For some reason 

I had a feeling that he wouldn't though

And I didn't get my hopes up

I live by the rule never to expect anything from anyone

Because then I am never disappointed

But lo and behold

Last night he texted

Did you get a chance to see what's on in the cinema?

Ok

Deep breathes

Try and behave like a normal human being 

Hey yea I did, is there anything you'd like to see?

Then instead of texting back

He rang!

I turned the sound off the tv

Try to stay calm

And answered the phone

Hello?

Hello Ruby?

Hey how are you?

Good, you?

Yea good 

Was wondering if there is anything you'd like to see in the cinema?

What about Jurassic World?

I was thinking of seeing Amy, would you be interested?

Oh yea I would like to see that, do you know what time it's on at?

I'll check and get back to you

Ok talk soon

Bye

Amy is the documentary about Amy Winehouse

To be honest 

I was deliberately avoiding seeing this movie

As I though it would be too upsetting

I'm a huge Amy fan

And love her music

But I found watching her demise so very hard

And the fact that she had similar problems to me just makes it all the more difficult

But I will go

I was actually surprised that he wanted to see this movie 

If he likes Amy Winehouse

Then we have something in common straight away

And the other good thing is that he rings when he says he will

I like that

He's reliable 

So the plan is to go to the cinema tonight

And people I am a bag of nerves

But it's also very exciting 

I feel like a teenager again!

How I wish you all could come to my house and help me get ready

We would have such fun

And it would definitely help my nerves

 But again

I'm going to have no expectations 

I'll just go with an open mind 

And an open heart

And see how it goes  

At least we will have something to talk about 

What with going to see Amy

But the other thing is

That I'm not 100% sure what he looks like

I mean 

I have seen him

From a distance 

But I don't know if I could pick him out in a line up

So that will be interesting

Again

I don't want to get my hopes up

But I do hope he's a nice kind guy

I hope we can talk easily

And I hope he's a good and decent person

I'm not terribly fussed about looks

Obviously I either will or won't be attracted to him

But I'm more concerned with his personality 

So now I have the whole day to wait 

I'm seeing Mary later 

And have to go in to town 

So plenty to keep me occupied in the mean time

I have my outfit picked out 

Which I will show you later 

And of course as ever

I will keep you posted....