Interview

A while ago

I was contacted by a lady called Angela 

Who writes a blog called Fucking awesome bulimics I know

Angela found my blog through the Healthline compilation

And contacted me to ask me if she could interview me for her site

We were emailing back and forth 

She is in New Zealand 

And I am in Ireland

So we arranged to Skype today

Her evening 

And my morning at 8 30am

I literally woke up at 8 26am

So I jumped out of bed 

And turned on my laptop 

My face wasn't washed 

My hair wasn't brushed 

But I had no time to do either 

So I just rubbed my tired eyes

And hoped I didn't look too sleepy 

It was great speaking to Angela 

She is smart 

So funny 

Honest 

And so real 

We laughed a lot 

Which was great 

As I think it is so important to retain a sense of humour 

No matter how bad things get 

We talked about my childhood

Her childhood

When out EDs started and how

Family background 

Treatment 

The media 

Social media and the effect it has on us as eating disordered women

We talked about therapy 

Mary 

Angela's therapist

I couldn't believe it when I said goodbye and looked at the clock and saw it was 10 30am

We had been speaking for two whole hours!

It didn't feel like that at all though

I thoroughly enjoyed chatting to Angela 

We had a lot in common

And so much to talk about 

Angela recorded the conversation 

And will type it out 

And post it on her blog

So I will let you know when it is  published 

In other news 

There was great excitement here yesterday 

As we got the news that my brother has signed a two book deal with the publishing house Picador!

The same people who publish Cormac Mc Carthy, Toni Morrison, Colm Toibin 

We are beyond happy for him

He has worked so hard 

And he deserves every bit of success he achieves 

These are exciting times for him

He already has one book ready to go called Ithaca

And now has to write another one 

It's really inspiring to see how far my brother has come 

He worked for years as an accountant 

And gave a reliable and comfortable  life up to follow his dream of being a writer

It just goes to show 

Hard work 

And bring a nice person

Does pay off 

There has been a lot of talk about writing books here on blogger recently 

I know Piggy is writing one

And also Miranda

I guess it makes sense that a lot of us bloggers want to write books 

We write every day on our blogs

It's how we make sense of the world

I know I would love to turn this blog in to a book 

My family are always encouraging me  to try and get published 

I have done nothing about this thus far

If I were to write a book

It would be my story 

My life 

My struggles 

And my recovery 

I don't know how to write anything else

And I have never written fiction before 

So I don't know if I could write fiction or not 

Starting to write my blog was never about the writing as such 

For me 

It was more about the content

The message 

Of hope and faith and courage 

It has been about connecting with others 

Breaking down the stigma of mental illness 

Knowing that I wasn't alone 

And that others felt the same as me

There is a universal feeling of shame  that goes along with mental illness

And addiction 

With my writing 

I wanted to break down this barriers 

I wanted to encourage others to speak and to write about their struggles 

As well as their recovery 

One of the first things that Angela said to me this morning 

Was that she is not shockable 

I was so glad to hear this 

As people who have not experience anorexia or bulimia would never understand throwing up in to a plastic bag and hiding it in a wardrobe 

Or throwing food in to a bin

Only to retrieve hours later 

But yes

I would love to turn my blog in to a book

There have been many well written memoirs of eating disorders 

Marya Hornbacher blazed the trail of such books 

My story is like millions of others 

But it is unique to me 

In that my experiences and the way I reacted is mine 

I really do feel like my story could others 

If there is one subject I know intimately 

It is eating disorders 

I can talk about 

Write about it 

As Angela said this morning 

We are professionals in our field 

One of the reasons I have not yet ventured in to writing a book

Is that I am not very technically minded 

I would almost rather hand write it than type it

That's how bad I am 

But for now 

I will keep writing my blog 

Keep reaching out to others 

Keep sharing my experience, strength and hope as they say in the meetings 

Amazing things have happened as a result of my blog 

Like speaking to Angela this morning 

We are two women

At opposite ends of the earth 

With totally different lives 

Yet we were able to sit down and chat for two hours about our lives 

Our struggles 

Our triumphs 

Our highs 

Our lows 

Our experience of mental illness 

I would never have done this only for my blog

I hope this interview will help others 

As just speaking to Angela this morning was food for my soul

Today is a good day 

I feel hopeful 

Positive 

Excited about the future 

Angela asked me where I would like to be at age 38 

My answer was simple

I hope to still be in recovery 

To be independent 

Happy and healthy 

Now I reAlly believe that I might have a shot at these things 

I mean why not?

Why not me?

I am working hard to rebuild my life 

Aide that was shattered by addiction and disordered eating 

As well as depression and anxiety 

Today I try to be the best person I can be

I try to do the right thing 

And make the right choices

It's not easy

But then nothing worth having ever is

I feel lucky and blessed 

To have come through what I've been through 

And still be standing 

Still fighting 

And still retaining a sense of humour 

It felt so good to speak to Angela today 

Two strong women sharing their stories 

Harrowing stories 

Of pain and suffering and anguish 

But also of success and courage and fIth

As women 

We owe it to each other 

To be each other's cheerleaders 

All too often 

We are jealous of each other 

And mean to each other 

It's down to us treat each other with dignity and respect 

We need to hold each other up 

And not pull each other down 

We are fucking awesome as Angela would say 

Today 

I am going to make it a good day

It started off so well talking on Skype

And it has inspired me to do my best today 

To feed and nourish myself 

To take my meds correctly 

To spend time doing the things I love to do

To celebrate my brothers good news

And to be the best Ruby I can possibly be

Because I am worth it 

And you are too 

Have a lovely Saturday everyone 

Remember to be kind to yourself today 

Gentle with yourself 

Because you are precious 

You are unique 

Special

One of a kind 

You deserve to be happy 

And healthy 

We all do 

Take care today 

And see you in the next post....

General update

Just a little post to let you know how things are going at the moment

We are getting work done on our kitchen at the moment

A new wood floor in the sitting area

And the work top in the kitchen is being extended

Needless to say

The house is completely upside down

Workmen in and out of the house

A thick layer of dust over everything 

The dogs are totally confused

The kitchen and utility room are their rooms really 

So now they've been taken over

There is no where for them to go 

So Lea sits in my car 

And Honey wanders around the garden like a little lost soul 

The weather is miserable at the moment 

Very fitting for November 

We've had to move everything out of the kitchen

So we are making tea and such in my bedroom

That suits me just fine as I drink copious amounts of tea 

Anyway 

It will be worth it when the kitchen is done

There will be air more room and space

So we will concentrate on that 

This morning 

My sister and I got up early 

About 7am

Brought the dogs for a walk 

And then went swimming 

We have been meaning to go swimming for months 

And finally went this morning 

I used to go swimming a lot last year 

As with a lot of things 

I am all or nothing 

I used to swim five times a week 

Then one day I stopped going 

And haven't been since 

I must admit 

I didn't really want to go swimming this morning 

I just couldn't find the motivation

But my sister talked me into it

So I went 

Part of the reason I didn't want to go swimming 

Is that I didn't want to see myself in a swimming suit 

And didn't want others to see me either 

But I figured we were very early so we might not meet anyone else

We arrived at the pool at about 8 30am

There was dance music being piped in to the changing rooms

So my sister and I had a morning rave 

Which was fun 

Then it was time to strip 

And make our way out to the pool 

Getting in is the worst part

I was freezing 

But 

I jumped in 

And soon got used to the water 

Once I was in

I really enjoyed it 

I usually swim about 140 lengths

But I wanted to ease in to it today

So I was happy having done 80

As I got out of the water

I caught sight of myself in a glass door

To my surprise 

I didn't look too bad 

I still have a bit of colour on my skin

I look healthy 

Curvy

Like a 34 year old woman should 

From shopping the other day

I know what size I am

I tried on clothes in size 8, 10 and 12

And I would say that I am in fact a 9

Somewhere between 8 and 10 is perfect for me 

And of course 

It depends on the shop

Sizes can differ greatly from brand to brand 

So yes 

I think I am ok with my body 

I don't love it

But I don't hate it the way I used to 

It is what it is 

And I can live with it 

Just about 

I must admit 

Curiousity has got the better of me recently 

And I have weighed myself a few times 

My weight seems to have stabilised 

And I am happy enough at a BMI of 20 - 22

As someone once said to me 

If my clothes fit 

If my hair and nails are healthy 

And if I feel good 

Then it doesn't really matter what my weight is 

And anyway 

Apart from myself 

I don't think any one gives a flying f**k what weight I am 

They care that I am healthy and happy 

Not that I weigh X kilos 

Or that I am a certain clothes size

I don't know

Maybe it's my age 

Or maybe it's my recovery 

But as I get older

I care less and less what people think of me

And I am also becoming less judgmental 

Of others 

You weigh this amount?

That's cool 

As long as you are happy and healthy

It doesn't effect me 

You smoke?

That's cool too 

It doesn't effect me

You rock a faceful of piercings?

More power to you 

Whatever works for you 

You wear nine inch heel thigh high boots?

Go for it!

You are braver than me 

I don't care if you shave your head

Grow a beard 

Have various body modifications 

If you wear skin tight leather pants 

Or don't wear clothes at all 

I say cool!

What ever works for you

And whatever you feel comfortable in 

I support whatever decision you want to make for your health and happiness 

In other news

My Mother is still holding on to my meds

And that is working quite well

It hasnt been perfect every single day

But it's a lot better than it was

And I am doing my best 

I haven't gone to a meeting yet 

And the thought of going is very overwhelming 

But 

I still plan to go

If I could just get there 

And get my ass out the door 

I get very anxious when I think of going

I know I don't have to speak if I don't want to 

But if I go

I want to speak 

But that is putting pressure on myself 

And I can't help doing that 

I also know that it would help me to go 

Just for my head

And for peace of mind 

I will try to go

I really will 

That's really all for now folks 

I hope you have a lovely Friday

And see you on the next post....

Dublin Part 2

My Mother and I spent a lovely day in Dublin yesterday 

As I wrote yesterday

It's a bit of a marathon journey to get there

Three and half hours in total

But

It's worth it

And it's always nice to get an injection of city living

After living in towns and cities all my life

We moved here to the countryside ten years ago

It took some getting used to I can tell you

I can remember moving here after living in Dublin

I couldn't get over how quiet it was

And I hated it 

The silence was deafening

But like everything 

I got used to it 

And love living here now 

We arrived in Dublin about midday at Connolly station

And walked up towards the spire 

Down Talbot Street 

This area of the city is interesting to say the least

With many colourful characters around 

We crossed O Connell street 

Over to Henry street

Where we concentrated our efforts 

First stop

Was where I really wanted to go 

Fatface 

Which had a great sale on

Where I quickly picked up a couple of items 

I am a serious shopper

In that I get in and get out as quickly as possible 

I was happy with my purchases

A skirt

A jumper

And two bralets which were less than half price 

We then went to pick up some Christmas gifts for my nephew and sisters

Then headed for lunch in Marks and Spencer's

I didn't get too many photos 

As it was a quite a bad day

And I didn't want to have my phone out too much 

As it's very possible it could have been snatched out of my hand

But I took a few 

So here they are....

Dublin

As I write this

I am sitting on a train

With my Mother

Heading for Dublin

Dublin is on the east coast of the country

And I live on the west coast

So it's quite a journey

First we have a half hour drive from our house to the train station

Then a three hour train journey to the capital

We tend to go to Dublin a couple of times a year

To see friends 

Do a bit of shopping 

Or just for a day out

Dublin features in my life quite often

I moved here after school with friends

And worked here for a while 

I also frequented Dublin when I was in active addiction 

So it is an old haunt for me

It's also where I went to treatment 

For both drugs and my ED

So coming to Dublin brings back a lot of memories for me

Some good 

Some not so good 

The last time I was in Dublin was this time last year

When I met up with a couple of girls from treatment 

We had a lovely day going for lunch

Shopping

And catching up

The girls I went to treatment with have a special place in my heart

And I love to meet up with them when I can

But yes

Dublin has bitter sweet memories for me

I first moved there with three friends in the year 2000

We rented a two bedroom flat on the south side 

And I found work as a receptionist for a quantity surveying company

I didn't realise at the time

But my job was cushy 

I basically had to turn up and just be there 

To answer the phone and direct calls

The money was good 

We often went out for lunch and dinner

All paid by the company 

And the people were lovely

But it was around this time that my drug use began to spin out of control

I was fighting with my flat mates

Missing days off work 

I can remember going to bed one Sunday evening

And I didn't wake up until Tuesday afternoon

I was falling quickly in to addiction 

I left my job 

And moved out of the flat 

I went home to my boyfriend 

And my life began to spin out of control

Over the next few years 

I was up and down to Dublin regularly 

Constantly on buses 

Going to the capital to get drugs 

At first I was with my boyfriend all the time

So I felt safe enough

But then 

After a while 

I was all in my own 

It was dicey 

Me 

A young girl from the country up in the big smoke messing with the wrong crowd

I had no defence

And was taken advantage of many times

I can remember having to ring the freephone number in order to find a bed in a hostel for the night

Because I had no where else to stay

I can remember overdosing and my 'friends' running off and leaving me for dead 

Only for the kindness of strangers 

I would have most likely died on the street

I can remember one incident in particular 

I was hanging around with a guy I had met 

We went to his flat 

And injected heroin and dalmane (sleeping tablet)

I overdosed 

And was in a bad way 

I remember this guy putting me in the shower to wake me up 

Then he put me to bed 

And made me tea and toast 

I left when I felt better

But a few days later 

I went to call back to his flat 

A girl answered with kids

And said no one of that name lived there

It was really strange

As I was at the same flat

I never saw or heard from that guy again 

I don't even know if he really existed

In 2004

I spent six months in treatment in Dublin for my addiction 

It was here that I admitted that I also had an ED

I relapsed within weeks of being home

Then in 2007

I went to treatment for my ED for the first time

It was nothing short of horrific

We were all made sit at our meals

The staff gave us our portions

And we had to sit there until we had eaten everything 

It didn't matter if you didn't like a certain food

You had to eat everything

That stint ended in disaster when staff found out that I had an addiction problem

They promptly discharged me

It was awful

The next time I went to treatment was in the countries top psychiatric hospital

Which has an ED programme

But this was no typical psych hospital

This place was lovely 

You had your own room with ensuite

It was really comfortable and homely 

For people with either a lot of money or good insurance 

Thankfully I had the latter 

All in all 

I've been in and out of this hospital five times

I never managed to reach my goal weight

Or even finish the programme

For me 

Inpatient treatment did not work

Being surrounded by other girls 

Who were very ill

And often underweight 

Was not conducive to my recovery

I always did better recovering from home 

So yes 

Dublin has featured in my life a lot over the years 

I do find it quite difficult to come back here

As I often get triggered 

The sights 

My old stomping ground 

The smell the from the Guinness brewery that always reminds me of heroin

Seeing addicts on the street

Places where I used to score 

It can be overwhelming

And I make it a rule not to come here alone 

I do need the security of having someone there 

If only just to be there

I know that my addiction can creep up on me

And hit me right between the eyes

I can't become complacent 

Which I have a tendency to do

But 

I will do my best to enjoy today

My Mum and I are going to hit the shops 

As my Mum wants to buy a new coat

And so do I 

It's great to go to Dublin for the shops

As there is not a great selection where I live 

But I am on a budget

So I will have to shop carefully 

Anyway 

We are nearly in Dublin now

So I will sign off

And give you a proper update tomorrow

Until then....

Social media, yay or nay?

Have you heard of Essena  O Neill?

I must admit 

I hadn't heard of her 

But apparently she was a big star on Instsgram and YouTube 

And I stumbled across an article about her this morning

In the last couple of weeks 

Essena has deleted her social media accounts

And told the truth behind the photos

The following is from an article about Essena

An Australian teenager with more than half a million followers on Instagramhas quit the platform, describing it as “contrived perfection made to get attention”, and called for others to quit social media – perhaps with help from her new website.

On 27 October she deleted more than2,000 pictures “that served no real purpose other than self-promotion”, and dramatically edited the captions to the remaining 96 posts in a bid to to reveal the manipulation, mundanity, and even insecurity behind them. O’Neill did not respond to requests for an interview.

I think it's a really important thing to discuss

Social media and how it effects us

If you look at some of the photos Essena posted on her sites 

The are of a perfectly tanned and toned slim body in a variety of beautiful outfits 

Essena explained how she measured her self worth in the amount of likes and comments she got

As well as the amount of followers she acquired 

She said that some of the photos of outfits she took never made it outside her house

She also said that although she was portraying this perfect life 

With a perfect body 

She was in actual fact miserable

I think it's a really interesting topic

As social media is relatively new in all our lives

The present young generation are the first generation to grow up with social media woven in to the fabric of their lives

And as yet 

We don't really know the effects of it in the long term 

Also social media celebrities are a new phenomenon 

You can now become famous via your YouTube channel or Instagram

If you can accumulate enough subscribers and followers 

And make enough money to make a very decent living

I don't use Instagram or YouTube 

But I peruse them from time to time

It seems like everyone on there is projecting their image of the perfect life

Endless photos of long lean limbs

At the beach 

Doing yoga

Eating fabulous food

Cocktails 

Their pets 

All the while in an array of beautiful outfits

It's easy to fall in to the trap of thinking that these Instagram celebs lead a perfect life

As this is the image they portray to us

Even Facebook can be like this 

I have a Facebook account

But rarely use it

I think I have posted maybe three photos on it over the years

I do scroll through it from time to time

But not often

I guess I use my blog to document my life

And don't feel the need to open any other social media accounts

My blog is about a specific subject

Recovery from addiction and ED

But as you know

I also post about many other areas of my life 

From my family to my pets and everything in between

There have been times when I have worried over the amount of comments I got and the amount of hits my blog got of a day 

That was me measuring my self worth in the eyes of other 

I try not to do that now

And concentrate on writing my blog as best as I can

If people read and comment great

But if they don't, that's ok too

My blog is primarily for me

To help me navigate through recovery

And if I can help someone else along the way, that is a bonus

I think it's all about self worth

A lot of us ED bloggers measure our self worth in pounds and ounces 

By the number on the scale 

Or our clothes size 

Those little numbers control how good we feel about ourselves 

Thankfully I can now look stand on the scale and not have a complete and utter meltdown over the number

I can weigh myself 

Look at the number

And see it for what it is 

My body's weight in stones and pounds or kilograms 

It does not determine how I am as a person

My self worth

I can see how people easily get caught up in the stats of blogging and social media

It's easy to fall in to the trap of getting a buzz seeing your stats rise

Or seeing the amount of people who say how great you are

If you were reading a few weeks back

You will remember the hullabaloo over a comment on my blog

Someone who cared enough to tell me the truth

I didn't see it like that at the time

And saw it as an attack

However now

In hindsight

I can see that that person was trying to help me

I appreciate that now

And learned valuable lessons from that incident

The thing is 

We can't hang our happiness on a number

Whether it's a clothes size or the amount of likes we get

Yes, it's nice to get them

But our self worth should come from a deeper place

A place of knowing that we are good people

That we are doing our best to do the right thing and be the best people we can be

I guess time will tell how social media effects us in the long term

I think what Essena did is very brave 

Scrolling through social media can be quite depressing if you compare yourself to all these beautiful people

We have to have strong core beliefs in ourselves

That we are enough just the way we are

Know that if we spent all day taking selfies it will never fill the hole in our soul of not liking ourselves 

I've been struggling lately with not liking and even hating myself 

I've had to take a good look at my life

And see what is helping me and what is hindering me

For me 

The positives of my blog greatly out weigh the negatives 

This community has been a life line for me over the years

But lately I've realised that my virtual life is not enough

I need real life relationships 

Real life interactions 

Because we all need to connect with others

You can't beat sitting down over a cup of tea and putting the world to right

At least in our own little worlds 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

What do you think of social media?

Do you use Instagram or YouTube?

Do you check how many like, comments and followers you get?

Do you think it helps or hinders you?

Do you measure your self worth by external forces?

I'd love to know....

Attacking the problem

Monday again

It's hard to believe that it's November already

Where does the time go?

Monday is doctor day for me 

My own doctor has been away the last few weeks so it was nice to see him this morning 

Before he spoke to me 

He said he had to ring home for a second 

This is what I heard 

'Hello love

Yea it's me

Listen I brought your phone by mistake to work this morning

Yea remember this morning in the bedroom

When I was putting on my trousers I put the wrong phone in my pocket

Can you come and collect it please?

Great

Thank love

Bye bye bye bye....'

I had to fight back the laughter while he was speaking

As it was so funny to hear him out of doctor mode

Some times I forget thdt he has a whole life outside of being a doctor

After that 

We had a quick chat

He filled out my prescription

And I went on to my next appointment

I saw Breda this morning then

I haven't seen her since before I went to Turkey

So I was long overdue a chat with her  

There was a lot to cover 

I told her about Turkey 

About my driving test

At first 

I was totally avoiding talking about my meds 

But I promised myself I would 

So I tentatively brought up the subject 

I always find this kind of thing really difficult to bring up to the professionals

I don't want to disappoint them 

I don't want to worry them 

And it's just really hard admitting that I messed up yet again

However 

I told her

She said thdt I was becoming complacent 

And on dodgy ground

She also mentioned that I have too much time on my hands 

Which is very true

I  bored 

The days and nights are long

I need something to stimulate my mind 

Because at the moment 

I am wishing my life away

Breda encouraged me to contact the women's centre in the next village 

To do some short courses

I've done courses there in the past

They do things like mindfulness and personal developement 

Which are interesting to me

So I will get on to that 

The other topic she broached

Was that of meetings 

As you know 

Up until a few months ago 

I was going to meetings regularly 

But I've let that slide 

And now haven't been to one in quite a while 

Breda made a good point though 

She said thdt I don't have to go every day

Once or twice a week is fine 

And I can go to ones that I feel comfortable at

So that's my goal this week

To get my addict ass to a meeting

I have to go

I will go

I give you my word

i am still giving my meds to my mother

And that is working pretty well

It's not an ideal situation 

But it's a must for now

Given everything that has happened over the last few weeks 

I am now being a bit more cautious about what I write about here in my blog

Don't get me wrong 

I will still be as honest as ever

And continue to fight this battle against addiction and mental illness

I don't know how to be any other way

But I am being careful not to write anything that might leave myself too exposed or vulnerable

Or any one else either

Again

Just because it has happened 

Doesn't mean thdt I have to blog about it

But because I am not writing so openly anymore

I am finding it harder and harder to find things to write about

I still want to write every day

But I won't put pressure on myself

Or beat myself up if I can't think of anything to write 

I write at the same time every time

I get up of a morning 

Have a cuppa 

Walk the dogs 

And while I'm walking them

I think about what topic I wil write about thdt day

Then I come home 

And settle in my living room with another cuppa and my phone and write 

It gives my day structure 

And it's something thdt I do at the same time every day 

Almost like a job 

I have to admit 

That over the last few weeks

I have thought about stopping writing and deleting my blog 

All of a sudden 

I felt really paranoid 

Open 

Exposed 

Vulnerable 

Because as we all know 

Once you put something on the Internet 

It is nigh on impossible to take it back 

There have been times when I have read backo vet my blog

And deleted certain posts

As I felt I had left myself in a dangerous position 

Too open 

And I don't know

In the future I might regret being so brutally honest here on my blog

As it's very possible thdt it could come back to haunt me

When I started writing my blog back in 2012

I wrote anonymously 

And didn't post any photos 

I think there are negatives and positives to being anonymous

But as time went on I decided to be more open 

I began posting photos 

Of myself 

My dogs 

And my family 

And I know that my blog is easily found on the Internet 

So there is really no hiding 

I do keep my name to myself 

But it's not a million miles away from the name Ruby 

Blogger is the only social media that I use 

I don't use Facebook

Twitter 

Or Instagram

I document my life here 

I love writing 

Love my blog 

And I love all of you 

Blogging at the moment is a hobby for me

But I would love if it was something more 

I would love to make my of in to a book 

Or to write for other publications 

I am passionate about helping others with addiction issues and eating disorders 

For a long time 

My writing was focused on my illness 

And trying to stay sane

And stay alive

Now my blog is about trying to stay clean  and sober

Trying to stay free from disordered eating

And helping others 

I hope that people read my blog

And get a little piece of hope

That if I can come through this 

Then you can too

And no

I am not perfect 

I make mistakes on a daily basis 

As you know 

I have done a lot of incredibly stupid things over the years 

Things thdt continue to haunt me

I have more than enough reason to believe that I am a bad person

So much evidence to support that suggestion 

But what I am trying to do 

Is learn from my mistakes 

And not to repeat them again

Recovery is not easy

And again 

I am not doing it perfectly 

Not by a long shot 

But as they say in the rooms

It's not about perfection

It's about progress

I just have to keep fighting 

And putting the effort in 

And I will be ok 

More than ok

I will be alive

And will want to be alive 

For the longest time

I genuinely didn't care if I lived or died 

Life meant nothing to me

And I wasn't afraid of dying 

Life scared me more

I often describe it as having a passive death wish

I wasn't actively seeking out my own death

But I welcomed it with open arms 

I just couldn't stand myself 

Couldn't stand being in my own head

I hated myself 

Hated the way I looked 

My personality

Hated the way I lived my life 

My behaviour 

My weight

I hated everything about myself 

It's only now 

A year in to my recovery 

That I am beginning to like myself 

I'm not quite loving myself yet 

But I am getting there

Baby steps all the way

I'm not perfect 

I never will be 

But I am doing my best 

To be a good person

A good daughter 

Sister 

Auntie 

Doggy mama

I am loved by my nearest and dearest 

And at the age of 34 

I am just beginning to figure out who I am 

And what I do about 

It's scary 

It's weird 

It's fun

It's terrifying 

Thrilling 

Exciting 

Boring

Monotonous 

It's hard 

But it is so worth it 

I promise you that 

Tattoos/Piercings

As you know

I got my nose pierced a couple of months ago

As well as that 

My ears are pierced five times

And in the past I've had my eye brow and belly button pierced 

I feel like I've been bitten by the piercing bug

As I now want to get something else pierced 

I would really love to get my labret done

 

But the last piercer I spoke to said that it wouldn't work on me
And would interfere with my lower gums

I would like to get my belly button pierced again

But I'd so like to get a facial piercing 

So maybe my septum

 

Or between my nose and my upper lip

 

I haven't quite decided yet

Also

I would like to get my first tattoo

I've toyed with the idea for a long time

But couldn't decide on an image

I really like wings on shoulder blades

Not a huge pair 

But quite sizeable
 

Or else I would like to get a feather on my ribs
To remind me to be kind and gentle to myself
 

To remind me to be kind
 

Anyway
Something to think about
And to get excited about
Any thoughts welcome......