Way back when.... Part 2

Where was I?

Oh yes

I had spent two weeks in hospital 

And was being moved to the local psychiatric hospital 

I really didn't want to go

But what was the alternative?

Go home and continue on my path of self  destruction?

Again 

I didn't have the energy to put up a fight

So on the Sunday evening

After tea (Scrambled eggs and toast if you are interested)

I packed my little bag

And my father came to take me on the short trip to the hospital

It was a menacing looking place 

I didn't have a good feeling about it at all

All I could hope is that I wouldn't be there very long 

We were ushered in

And left to wait in an office for what felt like hours 

Mid wait

A student nurse and a patient came in and used the weighing scales in the corner of the room 

The patient was talking a mile a minute

And when she saw me, she said

'Don't worry young one, they'll feed you up in here, you'll be fine'

I was too scared to say anything

I just wanted to run out of the building and away from this place and these people

Eventually 

I was officially admitted

I was given a little room of my own 

I was so glad I wasn't sharing a room

Then I ventured up to the smoking room

There were a few women sitting in there 

I walked over 

And asked for a light 

A girl with a shaved head stood up and stuck out her hand to me 

I shook it 

She was also talking at great speed

There were a few characters 

All chain smoking and drinking tea 

There was a group 

Huddled over by the window

And a couple of women sitting on their own at the side 

Strangely 

I didn't feel afraid anymore 

Girl with the shaved head took me under her wing 

To me she seemed the most sane out of everyone 

But that didn't last long

It was when she started telling me that she had no asshole that I realised that she wasn't quite as sane as I thought

Everyone commented on my weight 

It seemed that this was a place where everyone said exactly what they thought

And again 

I got the feeling that staff didn't quite know what to do with me

They did lay down some ground rules for me though 

I had to be escorted to the bathroom

I couldn't go to the bathroom for an hour after eating 

And after eating I had to lie down in my room for an hour 

I rarely kept to the rules though 

And I refused to have someone escort me to the bathroom 

I did lie down after meals though

But then started the disgusting habit of purging in to plastic bags and hiding them in my wardrobe

I would lie on my bed at night

There was a a small window in the door of my room

Sometimes I would look up

And there would be two eyes staring in the window 

I put my head under the covers

And pretended that I was at home

There were so many characters in the hospital

There was the hospital bully

The same woman who weighed herself when I was waiting to be admitted 

She was loud and brash

And insisted she was only in hospital to get dental work done 

She preyed on the more vulnerable patients 

Although she left me alone 

Probably because I had family and friends in every day 

Some patients had no body 

I remember being at dinner one day 

The bully ordered one of the more quiet women to get her something 

I piped up and said no get it yourself 

She wasn't used to people standing up to her 

There was the woman with severe mental and physical disabilities who lived in the hospital

She would howl in the night

She must've been in such distress

The staff were pretty awful to her

I heard one asking another if this woman took sugar in her tea

The other staff member replied that 'it didn't matter'

I can clearly remember thinking that I'm sure it matters to the woman whether there is sugar in her tea or not

There was the English girl 

Who barely spoke a word

She had a personality disorder 

And thought she was Angelina Jolie

She had been admitted after trying to take out money out of the bank in the actresses name

The bank called the police

And she was brought to the hospital

She had a boyfriend that called up to her every evening 

They had met in hospital 

They sat wrapped around each other

The staff constantly telling them to stop

Then at Christmas 

The boyfriend arrived up to the hospital dressed in a tuxedo with a flower in his hand 

He came in to the smoking room 

Got down on one knee 

And proposed to Angelina

It was surreal to say the least

There were many others 

The girl who had post partum depression

And sat in the corner knitting all day

She was a nurse too

And the staff were lovely to her

There was the girl who every time she went out, she brought the TV remote control with her

That used to drive me mad!

There was the petite blonde from Dublin who had repeatedly tried to kill herself 

Then there was the lady who I saw in the doctors yesterday

She was admitted just before Christmas 

She had three kids 

And a husband who was not very nice to her

I remember the day we put up the Christmas decorations

This lady dressed the tree so beautifully

She also used to help in the kitchen 

She seemed to like to be busy

She was quiet 

Gentle 

Really pretty 

When I saw her yesterday 

She had gained a lot of weight

No doubt from the olanzapine she was almost definitely on

The doctors seemed to put everyone on it

And a lot of people in that hospital were very over weight 

But seeing this lady yesterday brought back a lot of memories 

So I guess that's why I'm writing these posts 

It was eight years ago now 

I remember the staff and patients has Christmas dinner 

There was a fizzy Apple drink on the table

And I remember some of the patients thought it was wine

I remember going home for Christmas 

And my sister and mother dropping me back to the hospital two days later

I remember looking out the window 

They were both in tears in each other's arms 

It broke my heart 

After Christmas 

I got word that a place in treatment had become available for me

I went home the night before I left 

That was the worst time I can remember in my ED history 

Thankfully 

That is all in the past 

And hopefully it will stay there 

Way back when....

As you know by now

Monday is doctor day for me

It's good really

As it gives my day some structure 

And keeps me accountable where drug use is concerned 

And I always enjoy the little chat with my doctor

Which most of the time is not about medical issues

This morning he was unusually late 

So it was 10am by the time I got to the chemist

As I was a sitting waiting to see my doctor

I saw a woman I thought I recognised 

She was walking away from me 

So I didn't see her clearly 

But then I saw her in the chemist 

She was sitting down 

I caught her eye 

And she smiled 

Did she recognise me too?

I'm not quite sure 

I walked the length of the shop

Trying to figure out where I knew her from

She had a kind face

But looked so very sad

And you just wanted to give her a big hug

And tell her it will be ok

Then it hit me 

I knew I knew her from somewhere 

She was a patient in the same psychiatric  hospital that I was in back in 2007

2007 was a really bad year 

I was dabbling in buying prescription benzodiazepines 

And I hit an all time low weight 

I was in poor physical health 

But had no idea how dire my predicament was

I was working 

How, I managed to hold down a job I do not know 

I was running off of fumes 

I  was 25 

I was feeling so bad back then

That one day my mother insisted I go in to casualty 

I didn't have the strength to object

So I agreed 

I have vague memories of a drip being fitted

Various medical staff trying to talk me

But I was just a shell of a person

Their words bounced off me without any impact 

I was eventually moved to a ward 

A private room in fact 

I remember asking for sleeping tablets 

And more sleeping tablets 

Which they gave me

I was in a state of semi consciousness

And thoroughly enjoyed it

I was mainly left to my own devices

Didn't eat a thing

They didn't seem to know what to do with me

Or how to deal with me

I was discharged a week later

Only to be admitted again soon after

This time was different 

There seemed to be a plan in place 

I later heard that days before I arrived

A young girl died from anorexia 

So they took my case very seriously 

I had done as assessment for a treatment centre 

So I was trying to hold ground until a place came up

I remember being taken to a ward

I was weighed 

I then heard a nurse gasp and say I was 34 kilos

It meant nothing to me

I was beyond caring about my weight

There was just nothing going on behind my eyes 

I was dead inside 

I was moved to another ward

A health care worker sat with me 24 hours a day 

I saw the psych team

The dietician 

The social worker 

I was in an observation ward

And was escorted to the bathroom 

But even so 

I managed to purge 

To hide food 

Slip my Ensures in to the bin

It's amazing how devious a person can be when they put their mind to it 

I remember the student nurses 

They were lovely 

They sat and spoke to me

Encouraged me

Yet I felt that staff were wary of me

That they didn't know quite how to handle me

They wouldn't let me walk anywhere 

I had to sit in a wheel chair to go for smokes 

I had no idea that I was so ill and underweight 

And wondered what all the fuss was about 

One of my tricks was to use the bathroom downstairs to purge 

When family members brought me down there 

One day a student nurse followed me in

And interrupted me mid purge

I was mortified 

Back up on the ward 

I saw the same nurse wiping away tears 

But I had no idea why I had upset her

It's only now 

Years later 

That I can see how that incident could have upset her 

A week later 

And a place in treatment still hadn't come up

They were discussing the fact that I was on methadone 

And whether they could accommodate that

So it was decided that I would be moved to the local psychiatric hospital

I was terrified at the prospect 

I pictured films like One flew over the cuckoos nest

And Girl interrupted 

But the general hospital wouldn't keep me

And my family wanted me to stay safe until a place in treatment came up

Life in the general hospital was fine 

I spent my days resting 

Spending time with family 

Reading and writing 

I was content to be there 

As I was still managing to engage in behaviours

I was weighed every second day

I gained a minute amount in the couple of weeks I was there 

This post has become longer than planned

And I haven't even written about the last I saw today yet

So I will split this post in to two

And take up where I left off tomorrow

To be continued....

Hello hello!

It seems that blogger has gone a bit quiet again

There are the same core group of writers 

But it seems every day another blogger drops off the face of the blogosphere 

Please let me know if you are there

If you are reading 

If not commenting 

If you are lurking 

If you are dropping in every day

Or from time to time 

If you are struggling 

Struggling to hold it together 

Struggling with your ED

Addiction

Depression

Anxiety

BPD

Or some other mental illness 

If you have all but given up hope 

If you can't see a way out 

If you are falling with out a safety net

If you have surrendered to your demons

If you can't face another day

In this head

This body 

This life 

If you are afraid 

Terrified of life without your crutch 

If your thoughts torment you

So negative 

And so destructive

If you can't ask for help

You want to

But you can't 

If you feel like giving up

Because you don't have the energy to keep fighting 

If you feel beaten down by life

By your illness

If you are thinking of disappearing

Because you believe you are nothing but a burden

If you are holding on by your fingertips 

Slipping everyday

If you are frustrated because people presume thdt you look well so you much be well 

If you have a passive death wish

But also if you are in recovery 

If you are fighting back 

If you refuse to give in to your demons 

If you are fighting for a better life 

For you and your family 

If you have been knocked down 

But you keep getting back up

Dusting yourself off

And start again 

If you are in treatment 

Inpatient

Struggling to meet your goals 

And regain weight 

Or if you are outpatient 

And trying to recover with the support of home and your family and friends 

If you believe that there is life after addiction and ED 

If you are working to regain weight

Maintain weight

Or lose weight 

If you have slipped or relapsed

And are trying to get back on track 

If you believe you deserve better 

If you want better for yourself 

If you want to like

And even love yourself 

If you want to live 

Let me know 

Who you are?

What is your story?

Where are you in your life?

Why do you read? 

What do you want out of life?

And recovery?

Let me know you are out there....

Interview

A while ago

I was contacted by a lady called Angela 

Who writes a blog called Fucking awesome bulimics I know

Angela found my blog through the Healthline compilation

And contacted me to ask me if she could interview me for her site

We were emailing back and forth 

She is in New Zealand 

And I am in Ireland

So we arranged to Skype today

Her evening 

And my morning at 8 30am

I literally woke up at 8 26am

So I jumped out of bed 

And turned on my laptop 

My face wasn't washed 

My hair wasn't brushed 

But I had no time to do either 

So I just rubbed my tired eyes

And hoped I didn't look too sleepy 

It was great speaking to Angela 

She is smart 

So funny 

Honest 

And so real 

We laughed a lot 

Which was great 

As I think it is so important to retain a sense of humour 

No matter how bad things get 

We talked about my childhood

Her childhood

When out EDs started and how

Family background 

Treatment 

The media 

Social media and the effect it has on us as eating disordered women

We talked about therapy 

Mary 

Angela's therapist

I couldn't believe it when I said goodbye and looked at the clock and saw it was 10 30am

We had been speaking for two whole hours!

It didn't feel like that at all though

I thoroughly enjoyed chatting to Angela 

We had a lot in common

And so much to talk about 

Angela recorded the conversation 

And will type it out 

And post it on her blog

So I will let you know when it is  published 

In other news 

There was great excitement here yesterday 

As we got the news that my brother has signed a two book deal with the publishing house Picador!

The same people who publish Cormac Mc Carthy, Toni Morrison, Colm Toibin 

We are beyond happy for him

He has worked so hard 

And he deserves every bit of success he achieves 

These are exciting times for him

He already has one book ready to go called Ithaca

And now has to write another one 

It's really inspiring to see how far my brother has come 

He worked for years as an accountant 

And gave a reliable and comfortable  life up to follow his dream of being a writer

It just goes to show 

Hard work 

And bring a nice person

Does pay off 

There has been a lot of talk about writing books here on blogger recently 

I know Piggy is writing one

And also Miranda

I guess it makes sense that a lot of us bloggers want to write books 

We write every day on our blogs

It's how we make sense of the world

I know I would love to turn this blog in to a book 

My family are always encouraging me  to try and get published 

I have done nothing about this thus far

If I were to write a book

It would be my story 

My life 

My struggles 

And my recovery 

I don't know how to write anything else

And I have never written fiction before 

So I don't know if I could write fiction or not 

Starting to write my blog was never about the writing as such 

For me 

It was more about the content

The message 

Of hope and faith and courage 

It has been about connecting with others 

Breaking down the stigma of mental illness 

Knowing that I wasn't alone 

And that others felt the same as me

There is a universal feeling of shame  that goes along with mental illness

And addiction 

With my writing 

I wanted to break down this barriers 

I wanted to encourage others to speak and to write about their struggles 

As well as their recovery 

One of the first things that Angela said to me this morning 

Was that she is not shockable 

I was so glad to hear this 

As people who have not experience anorexia or bulimia would never understand throwing up in to a plastic bag and hiding it in a wardrobe 

Or throwing food in to a bin

Only to retrieve hours later 

But yes

I would love to turn my blog in to a book

There have been many well written memoirs of eating disorders 

Marya Hornbacher blazed the trail of such books 

My story is like millions of others 

But it is unique to me 

In that my experiences and the way I reacted is mine 

I really do feel like my story could others 

If there is one subject I know intimately 

It is eating disorders 

I can talk about 

Write about it 

As Angela said this morning 

We are professionals in our field 

One of the reasons I have not yet ventured in to writing a book

Is that I am not very technically minded 

I would almost rather hand write it than type it

That's how bad I am 

But for now 

I will keep writing my blog 

Keep reaching out to others 

Keep sharing my experience, strength and hope as they say in the meetings 

Amazing things have happened as a result of my blog 

Like speaking to Angela this morning 

We are two women

At opposite ends of the earth 

With totally different lives 

Yet we were able to sit down and chat for two hours about our lives 

Our struggles 

Our triumphs 

Our highs 

Our lows 

Our experience of mental illness 

I would never have done this only for my blog

I hope this interview will help others 

As just speaking to Angela this morning was food for my soul

Today is a good day 

I feel hopeful 

Positive 

Excited about the future 

Angela asked me where I would like to be at age 38 

My answer was simple

I hope to still be in recovery 

To be independent 

Happy and healthy 

Now I reAlly believe that I might have a shot at these things 

I mean why not?

Why not me?

I am working hard to rebuild my life 

Aide that was shattered by addiction and disordered eating 

As well as depression and anxiety 

Today I try to be the best person I can be

I try to do the right thing 

And make the right choices

It's not easy

But then nothing worth having ever is

I feel lucky and blessed 

To have come through what I've been through 

And still be standing 

Still fighting 

And still retaining a sense of humour 

It felt so good to speak to Angela today 

Two strong women sharing their stories 

Harrowing stories 

Of pain and suffering and anguish 

But also of success and courage and fIth

As women 

We owe it to each other 

To be each other's cheerleaders 

All too often 

We are jealous of each other 

And mean to each other 

It's down to us treat each other with dignity and respect 

We need to hold each other up 

And not pull each other down 

We are fucking awesome as Angela would say 

Today 

I am going to make it a good day

It started off so well talking on Skype

And it has inspired me to do my best today 

To feed and nourish myself 

To take my meds correctly 

To spend time doing the things I love to do

To celebrate my brothers good news

And to be the best Ruby I can possibly be

Because I am worth it 

And you are too 

Have a lovely Saturday everyone 

Remember to be kind to yourself today 

Gentle with yourself 

Because you are precious 

You are unique 

Special

One of a kind 

You deserve to be happy 

And healthy 

We all do 

Take care today 

And see you in the next post....

General update

Just a little post to let you know how things are going at the moment

We are getting work done on our kitchen at the moment

A new wood floor in the sitting area

And the work top in the kitchen is being extended

Needless to say

The house is completely upside down

Workmen in and out of the house

A thick layer of dust over everything 

The dogs are totally confused

The kitchen and utility room are their rooms really 

So now they've been taken over

There is no where for them to go 

So Lea sits in my car 

And Honey wanders around the garden like a little lost soul 

The weather is miserable at the moment 

Very fitting for November 

We've had to move everything out of the kitchen

So we are making tea and such in my bedroom

That suits me just fine as I drink copious amounts of tea 

Anyway 

It will be worth it when the kitchen is done

There will be air more room and space

So we will concentrate on that 

This morning 

My sister and I got up early 

About 7am

Brought the dogs for a walk 

And then went swimming 

We have been meaning to go swimming for months 

And finally went this morning 

I used to go swimming a lot last year 

As with a lot of things 

I am all or nothing 

I used to swim five times a week 

Then one day I stopped going 

And haven't been since 

I must admit 

I didn't really want to go swimming this morning 

I just couldn't find the motivation

But my sister talked me into it

So I went 

Part of the reason I didn't want to go swimming 

Is that I didn't want to see myself in a swimming suit 

And didn't want others to see me either 

But I figured we were very early so we might not meet anyone else

We arrived at the pool at about 8 30am

There was dance music being piped in to the changing rooms

So my sister and I had a morning rave 

Which was fun 

Then it was time to strip 

And make our way out to the pool 

Getting in is the worst part

I was freezing 

But 

I jumped in 

And soon got used to the water 

Once I was in

I really enjoyed it 

I usually swim about 140 lengths

But I wanted to ease in to it today

So I was happy having done 80

As I got out of the water

I caught sight of myself in a glass door

To my surprise 

I didn't look too bad 

I still have a bit of colour on my skin

I look healthy 

Curvy

Like a 34 year old woman should 

From shopping the other day

I know what size I am

I tried on clothes in size 8, 10 and 12

And I would say that I am in fact a 9

Somewhere between 8 and 10 is perfect for me 

And of course 

It depends on the shop

Sizes can differ greatly from brand to brand 

So yes 

I think I am ok with my body 

I don't love it

But I don't hate it the way I used to 

It is what it is 

And I can live with it 

Just about 

I must admit 

Curiousity has got the better of me recently 

And I have weighed myself a few times 

My weight seems to have stabilised 

And I am happy enough at a BMI of 20 - 22

As someone once said to me 

If my clothes fit 

If my hair and nails are healthy 

And if I feel good 

Then it doesn't really matter what my weight is 

And anyway 

Apart from myself 

I don't think any one gives a flying f**k what weight I am 

They care that I am healthy and happy 

Not that I weigh X kilos 

Or that I am a certain clothes size

I don't know

Maybe it's my age 

Or maybe it's my recovery 

But as I get older

I care less and less what people think of me

And I am also becoming less judgmental 

Of others 

You weigh this amount?

That's cool 

As long as you are happy and healthy

It doesn't effect me 

You smoke?

That's cool too 

It doesn't effect me

You rock a faceful of piercings?

More power to you 

Whatever works for you 

You wear nine inch heel thigh high boots?

Go for it!

You are braver than me 

I don't care if you shave your head

Grow a beard 

Have various body modifications 

If you wear skin tight leather pants 

Or don't wear clothes at all 

I say cool!

What ever works for you

And whatever you feel comfortable in 

I support whatever decision you want to make for your health and happiness 

In other news

My Mother is still holding on to my meds

And that is working quite well

It hasnt been perfect every single day

But it's a lot better than it was

And I am doing my best 

I haven't gone to a meeting yet 

And the thought of going is very overwhelming 

But 

I still plan to go

If I could just get there 

And get my ass out the door 

I get very anxious when I think of going

I know I don't have to speak if I don't want to 

But if I go

I want to speak 

But that is putting pressure on myself 

And I can't help doing that 

I also know that it would help me to go 

Just for my head

And for peace of mind 

I will try to go

I really will 

That's really all for now folks 

I hope you have a lovely Friday

And see you on the next post....

Dublin Part 2

My Mother and I spent a lovely day in Dublin yesterday 

As I wrote yesterday

It's a bit of a marathon journey to get there

Three and half hours in total

But

It's worth it

And it's always nice to get an injection of city living

After living in towns and cities all my life

We moved here to the countryside ten years ago

It took some getting used to I can tell you

I can remember moving here after living in Dublin

I couldn't get over how quiet it was

And I hated it 

The silence was deafening

But like everything 

I got used to it 

And love living here now 

We arrived in Dublin about midday at Connolly station

And walked up towards the spire 

Down Talbot Street 

This area of the city is interesting to say the least

With many colourful characters around 

We crossed O Connell street 

Over to Henry street

Where we concentrated our efforts 

First stop

Was where I really wanted to go 

Fatface 

Which had a great sale on

Where I quickly picked up a couple of items 

I am a serious shopper

In that I get in and get out as quickly as possible 

I was happy with my purchases

A skirt

A jumper

And two bralets which were less than half price 

We then went to pick up some Christmas gifts for my nephew and sisters

Then headed for lunch in Marks and Spencer's

I didn't get too many photos 

As it was a quite a bad day

And I didn't want to have my phone out too much 

As it's very possible it could have been snatched out of my hand

But I took a few 

So here they are....

Dublin

As I write this

I am sitting on a train

With my Mother

Heading for Dublin

Dublin is on the east coast of the country

And I live on the west coast

So it's quite a journey

First we have a half hour drive from our house to the train station

Then a three hour train journey to the capital

We tend to go to Dublin a couple of times a year

To see friends 

Do a bit of shopping 

Or just for a day out

Dublin features in my life quite often

I moved here after school with friends

And worked here for a while 

I also frequented Dublin when I was in active addiction 

So it is an old haunt for me

It's also where I went to treatment 

For both drugs and my ED

So coming to Dublin brings back a lot of memories for me

Some good 

Some not so good 

The last time I was in Dublin was this time last year

When I met up with a couple of girls from treatment 

We had a lovely day going for lunch

Shopping

And catching up

The girls I went to treatment with have a special place in my heart

And I love to meet up with them when I can

But yes

Dublin has bitter sweet memories for me

I first moved there with three friends in the year 2000

We rented a two bedroom flat on the south side 

And I found work as a receptionist for a quantity surveying company

I didn't realise at the time

But my job was cushy 

I basically had to turn up and just be there 

To answer the phone and direct calls

The money was good 

We often went out for lunch and dinner

All paid by the company 

And the people were lovely

But it was around this time that my drug use began to spin out of control

I was fighting with my flat mates

Missing days off work 

I can remember going to bed one Sunday evening

And I didn't wake up until Tuesday afternoon

I was falling quickly in to addiction 

I left my job 

And moved out of the flat 

I went home to my boyfriend 

And my life began to spin out of control

Over the next few years 

I was up and down to Dublin regularly 

Constantly on buses 

Going to the capital to get drugs 

At first I was with my boyfriend all the time

So I felt safe enough

But then 

After a while 

I was all in my own 

It was dicey 

Me 

A young girl from the country up in the big smoke messing with the wrong crowd

I had no defence

And was taken advantage of many times

I can remember having to ring the freephone number in order to find a bed in a hostel for the night

Because I had no where else to stay

I can remember overdosing and my 'friends' running off and leaving me for dead 

Only for the kindness of strangers 

I would have most likely died on the street

I can remember one incident in particular 

I was hanging around with a guy I had met 

We went to his flat 

And injected heroin and dalmane (sleeping tablet)

I overdosed 

And was in a bad way 

I remember this guy putting me in the shower to wake me up 

Then he put me to bed 

And made me tea and toast 

I left when I felt better

But a few days later 

I went to call back to his flat 

A girl answered with kids

And said no one of that name lived there

It was really strange

As I was at the same flat

I never saw or heard from that guy again 

I don't even know if he really existed

In 2004

I spent six months in treatment in Dublin for my addiction 

It was here that I admitted that I also had an ED

I relapsed within weeks of being home

Then in 2007

I went to treatment for my ED for the first time

It was nothing short of horrific

We were all made sit at our meals

The staff gave us our portions

And we had to sit there until we had eaten everything 

It didn't matter if you didn't like a certain food

You had to eat everything

That stint ended in disaster when staff found out that I had an addiction problem

They promptly discharged me

It was awful

The next time I went to treatment was in the countries top psychiatric hospital

Which has an ED programme

But this was no typical psych hospital

This place was lovely 

You had your own room with ensuite

It was really comfortable and homely 

For people with either a lot of money or good insurance 

Thankfully I had the latter 

All in all 

I've been in and out of this hospital five times

I never managed to reach my goal weight

Or even finish the programme

For me 

Inpatient treatment did not work

Being surrounded by other girls 

Who were very ill

And often underweight 

Was not conducive to my recovery

I always did better recovering from home 

So yes 

Dublin has featured in my life a lot over the years 

I do find it quite difficult to come back here

As I often get triggered 

The sights 

My old stomping ground 

The smell the from the Guinness brewery that always reminds me of heroin

Seeing addicts on the street

Places where I used to score 

It can be overwhelming

And I make it a rule not to come here alone 

I do need the security of having someone there 

If only just to be there

I know that my addiction can creep up on me

And hit me right between the eyes

I can't become complacent 

Which I have a tendency to do

But 

I will do my best to enjoy today

My Mum and I are going to hit the shops 

As my Mum wants to buy a new coat

And so do I 

It's great to go to Dublin for the shops

As there is not a great selection where I live 

But I am on a budget

So I will have to shop carefully 

Anyway 

We are nearly in Dublin now

So I will sign off

And give you a proper update tomorrow

Until then....