Judgment

I hit a really low point yesterday

Yesterday's post was written out of a place of having to defend myself 

I felt attacked by the anonymous comments who told me to 'Grow up' and 'Get a job'

And because my confidence is on the low side 

I didn't have the ability to see these what these comments were

An faceless, nameless, anonymous commenter

Someone who reads my blog

But doesn't approve of my lifestyle 

They obviously have a bee in their Bonnet about my not working 

And have been very vocal about that lately 

I actually thought about deleting my blog and leaving blogger yesterday 

That's how bad I felt 

I spoke to various members of my family 

And consensus was to ignore said comments

Read and delete

They pointed out that I don't know these people 

And their opinions shouldn't matter

Much like what a lot of you wrote on the comments section too

I'm not leaving though 

There may be negatives to writing this blog

But there are more positives 

So I will continue to blog

And continue to fight for recovery

You also suggested that I disable anonymous comments 

I would do this only that there are quite a few readers who comment under anonymous but who always leave their names 

So I don't want to do that 

Also I want to get to a place where I can read these comments and not give them a second thought

So I will leave it as it is for now

The thing is 

I felt judged yesterday 

I felt like my whole life was being torn apart 

I know I put myself out there 

So I should expect such judgment 

It's amazing how someone can get up on their high horse and cast judgment on others 

I mean 

My life is not perfect 

I do the best I can 

I am struggling at the moment 

Big time 

But I am trying my level best to get back on track 

If there is one thing I don't do 

Is judge others 

You may smoke 40 cigarettes a day

You may drink your weight in wine

You may smoke a joint from time to time

Or maybe every day 

You may never donate to charity 

Or only shower once a week

You may have stolen in your time 

Or not paid a parking fine 

You may be a staunch workaholic 

Or not work at all

You may have purple hair 

A face full of piercings 

And a body covered in tattoos

You may be gay

Bisexual 

Transgender 

Whatever it is 

I am not here to judge you

Your life is your life 

And you can do with it as you please 

Let those with out sin cast the first stone and all that 

So go ahead anonymous 

Judge me

Judge me for all your worth 

I know I'm a good person

I bet if you were dealing with what I am dealing with 

You wouldn't be perfect either

I put myself out there to help others 

And myself 

If putting others down is what does it for you 

Then go ahead 

I've dealt with worse than you in my life

Far far worse 

Live and let live I say

In the words of One Direction

'Nobody can drag me down'

Ha 

Can't believe I just quoted One Direction!

I don't even like them!

Can you tell I'm feeling better today....

The working world

An anonymous reader left a comment on yesterday's post

Asking about the fact that I don't work

And pointing out that I have it easy

I replied to the comment in my replies yesterday

But I also felt a need to write a post addressing this issue

As I'm sure there are others who wonder about my situation 

I'm not annoyed or upset by this question

And I have absolutely no problem in replying 

To the outside world

It may look like I have it easy 

And I guess in some ways I do 

I live with my Mum

And I live here not only because I can't afford to move out on my own

I live here because I like living with my Mum

To all intents and purposes 

It feels like we are house sharing

Rather than living with a parent

I contribute to rent and bills

As well as paying my own car and phone bills 

I do my share of the house work 

And we take it in turns to cook

It would make no sense for me to move out now 

And try to maintain the running of a house/flat on my own

And more than all of that 

I am happy here 

I kind of feel like I am defending myself here

And that's not why I wanted to write this post 

I may look like I am having a great ol' time not working and living off the state

It hasn't always been this way

Up until my ED developed 

And even during my ED

I worked 

I always worked 

A few years ago I was put on disability allowance

And have been on it since

My last job was teaching dance to kids 

I taught 4 classes a week

But over night 

I lost my confidence

And never went back

Confidence poses a huge obstacle for me as regards work 

I just don't have the confidence that I can do a job

And do it well

My self esteem has taken a battering over the years 

It's been shattered 

And I'm only now beginning to put it back together 

I also don't want to secure a job until I am sure that I can maintain it 

I did apply for part time positions during the summer 

But nothing came of those 

I really want to feel capable of holding down a job before I start working

I have a long history of starting things and not finishing them

And that really knocks your confidence 

I want to be in the best frame of mind possible 

And I'm just not there yet

Which brings me to my next point

I don't know guys 

I don't even think I can truthfully say that I am in recovery any more 

My head is all over the place

Purging has increased in the last couple of weeks 

My weight continues to drop 

And I am generally acting like a very eating disordered person

To be honest 

I feel like I have one foot in recovery

And one foot in my illness

Committing to neither

Trying to have my cake and eat it too

I'm caught up in the honey moon phase of losing weight

And even though I know how this story ends 

I can't seem to stop

Logically and rationally 

I know what I am doing is wrong

It's the behaviour of someone who really should know better

It's scary 

The years are flying by

One year blends in to the next

And nothing changes

Yes over the last year I have been dabbling in recovery 

But did I ever really fully commit?

That's up for debate 

I know I need to man up

And choose a path 

One way or the other 

I can't have both

One always bleeds in to another 

And I'm left in this kind of limbo

A no mans land 

Neither here nor there 

That's not where I want to be 

I want to get well 

I do 

But I have to admit 

The safety of my ED appeals to me 

In that it's all I have to worry about 

Even though it's a living hell

I don't have to deal with life on life's terms 

I have often said that death doesn't scare me

Life scares me a hell of a lot more

Thus far

I haven't been able to handle life without the use of a substance 

Or a behaviour 

The truth is 

That I've not lived in reality for a long time

And now I'm wondering if I can't handle it at all 

I find living in reality hard

I don't know 

Maybe everyone feels like this 

And they just don't say it 

Maybe people just get on with things

And maybe that's what I should do too 

I don't know

So yes 

I know I am blessed in a lot of ways 

I have a strong family around me

And if anything bad ever happens 

They are there to help me put back the pieces together 

But please 

Don't think I have it easy

I fight a battle every day

To stay clean and sober 

To not inject myself with mind and body numbing drugs 

Sometimes I see or hear or smell something that reminds me of heroin

And literally have to stop my self from jumping in to my car and heading to get drugs 

A craving is a powerful thing 

And I get them all the time

Be it heroin 

Or alcohol

Or cigarettes

I fight to not lose the plot completely where food is concerned 

As I wrote recently 

My black and white behaviours means I eat all the food 

Or none of the food

I fight not to binge

And not to purge 

It doesn't always work 

But I keep trying 

Some days I wake up with a sense of impending doom

And I don't want to get up and face the day

Some days just getting out of bed is a triumph

Some days eating my lunch and keeping it down is a victory 

And sometimes just leaving my house to walk my dogs is success 

It's all relative

It's easy to look at someone else's life and think that the grass is greener

But I wouldn't wish the issues I deal with on anyone

I hope this explains my situation a bit better

And I'm happy to answer any other questions that you have 

You know the saying don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes?

I think that applies here...

Work!

For the past week

We have been having some work done in our house

In our kitchen

There used to be a divider between the kitchen itself and the dining/sitting room

The divider was two presses/cupboards

So really the kitchen was cut in half 

And caused a real lack of space 

There was always something in the way

The table

The cupboards 

Each other

We've been meaning to get this work done for years

And this week we finally got it done

Two men came to do the work

Who I will call Sean and Peter

We know Peter well

He has been doing work for us since we moved here ten years ago

He is also the guy that used to have a crush on me 

And tried to kiss me more than once

Anyway 

Because my Mum and I don't have a man in the house 

And we manage pretty darn well without one thank you very much

My Mother and I can do some of the work

But something's we do need a hand with 

Mainly outside jobs that we just wouldn't have the strength for 

So yes 

Peter has been here from the start

And more than a handiman 

He has become a family friend 

Although my sister can't stand him

She thinks he is a bit dim

Ok

He's probably not the sharpest tool in the box

But who are we to judge?

My Mum likes him because he is reliable and pleasant 

And he is 

So 

We told Peter what we wanted done

The barrier in the kitchen moved against the side wall 

Which would completely open up the kitchen

A new wood floor in the sitting area

And also the wood floor in our dining room replaced

As it was really in bad nic

Peter put us in touch with Sean

And a date was set for the work 

Although we knew there would be some upset in the house

We really weren't prepared for the magnitude of the work thdt needed to be done 

We had to take everything out of the kitchen

Out of the cupboards

The furniture 

The kettle which was moved to my bedroom

Which was essential 

As you know how much I love my tea

The kitchen was a no go area for those few days 

Poor Honey and Lea were banished to the utility room or outside

Lea elected to sit in my car 

I don't know why 

But she loves to sit in there

The air was blue with all the swearing that was going on

It was funny really 

Because Sean was obviously in charge of the operation 

And through the walls we could hear him shouting at Peter

'No not like that

You're doing it wrong you eejit'

'Pull it don't push it you stupid man'

'Not your left, my left'

'Straight!

Straight!!!

I said straight!!!!'

It really was great entertainment 

And we often sat and listened to them rather than turning on the TV 

A few days later 

And the kitchen was done

It made a massive difference in terms of space 

We didn't know what to do with ourselves we had so much room

The dogs were also very happy as they had much more room to stretch out on the floor 

We also moved the dining table over I front of the window 

As we have a fantastic view out over the mountain 

I would post photos only my camera is playing up 

So hopefully I will get them up soon

Then work moved from the kitchen to the hall

The whole floor had to be pulled up

Which also meant every thing in the hall had to be moved 

We put furniture any where we could fit it 

And every room and every space in the house was full of stuff 

And the work men didn't always turn up when they said they would 

So we were left living in a building site for a few days 

My job during the work was chief tea maker

And yes

That is an official title 

Sean was very particular about his tea 

Very strong 

With just a drop of milk

I like to think that I've got making tea down to a fine art 

I drink bucket loads of it myself 

The men 

Or Laurel and Hardy as my sister calls 

Had their lunch at 1pm every day

It was fascinating watching them

Peter usually had a sandwich that he pulled from his jacket pocket 

It was usually wrapped in cling film

And inevitably squashed flat

Like someone sat on it 

Sean on the other hand 

Took a more serious and professional approach to his lunch

Oh yes 

He had a proper lunch bag

I say bag

But it was actually like a small rucksack 

He had a menagerie of things in that bag

Cups

A flask 

Not just one or two teabags

But a whole box 

A small carton of milk

Sandwiches 

And many packets of crisps

I used to see him eating crisps more than a couple of times a day

No chocolate though I noticed 

He must be a savoury man

So yes

Being a people watcher 

I was do interested watching them

At the end of every day 

They would stand and look at the work they had done 

They loved being praised 

Do Mum and I would ooooh and aaaaah over the great work that the big strong men had done 

It was quite funny really

The work is all but done now

And I have to say

They did a fantastic job

We have so much more room

And their work was very neat and tidy

Now it's down to us to put the house back together 

And make it look pretty 

Some other little things came up while the workmen were here

On the odd occasion that I did purge

It was quite the secret operation

I guess I could have used the upstairs bathroom

But the flush is not as good as the one downstairs 

When I had to purge I tried to time it so that the men would not be there

But it wasn't always possible

And sometimes they were right outside the bathroom door

I guess it highlighted for me how not normal my behaviour can be

To me and my family 

My ED behaviours are so common and out in the open

They they have become normal

This week was a reminder that most people do not purge after eating 

And do look after their health

In other news 

My scale is definitely fecked 

So no idea what my weight is

But I'm trying my best to allow myself to eat when I'm hungry

And keep purging to a minimum 

Now that I've lost a few kilos

I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin

My clothes feel better 

They're not riding up or puckering in places 

I look more streamlined 

But still retain my curves 

I think I might have gone down a bra cup size or two

But that's no harm either

I don't want to lose any more weight I think 

I would just like to maintain the way I am 

Which is in between a size 8 and size 10

And I am happy enough with that 

So at the moment 

Life is pretty good

My mental health is good 

My physical health is getting better all the time 

Things are not perfect 

The are things I could improve on for sure 

My intake

My social life 

My meds 

I don't think things will ever be perfect for me

But then whose life is perfect?

No one I know

That's for sure  

Fate....

It seems that fate has intervened in my little dilemma 

And my scale has packed in

Infuriatingly 

Every time I stand on it 

It gives me a different reading

It is a Weight Watchers scale 

My second one in fact

And I find them really unreliable 

When I was out for my walk

I nipped in to the chemist to see if they had a different one

But they only had WW ones

So I am now scale less

And maybe that's a good thing

For now anyway

I was getting too caught up the numbers

So at least now I can just go by how I feel 

And I feel pretty ok

My clothes fit 

My hair and nails are healthy 

My skin is fine 

So let's go with that

I was wondering about you

Whether you are in recovery or not 

How often do you weigh?

Or do you think we should weigh at all?

How often do you weigh?

How often do you think is healthy?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Trying to bounce back

Ok

So I am struggling to snap out of diet mode

In just that short space of time

I got used to not eating junk food

And not eating after my evening meal

Then of course standing on the scale every morning is addictive

Especially when the numbers are going down

You see the thing is 

My eating has been disordered for as long as I can remember 

I know a bit about nutrition

But I think I really need to educate myself about healthy eating

Because I eat what I want 

When I want 

There is no rhyme nor reason to the way I eat 

I graze instead of eating fixed meals 

Although I do have a dinner every evening

But that doesn't always stay down 

So yes

I have a lot of work to do 

Because some where over the last couple of weeks 

I have slipped in to ED mode

Without even realising it

Dare I say it 

I am enjoying the feeling of being empty 

The dizziness when I stand up

The way my clothes feel looser

The false feeling of being in control

All this is making it difficult to get back on track

I am not underweight at all

But as I always say 

EDs have little to do with weight

You could be bang on a healthy weight

But be tortured inside your head

You may not be over weight or under weight

But still be caught in the midst of mental illness 

For me 

It's about my state of mind 

And my behaviours

And I know how quickly small issues can snowball in to a full blown relapse 

They say a relapse happens long before you pick up the drink or drug

Or your ED behaviours 

For me 

It started a few weeks ago

When I weighed myself for the first time in a long time 

And then the infamous navy jeans 

I really don't want to go back to being underweight and ill

I really don't 

But once your on the run away train that is an ED 

It becomes really hard to get off

The thing is 

I may have another relapse in me

But I don't know if I have another recovery in me

The energy it takes to pull myself out of the gutter is something that I don't know if I have any more 

But I should be able to do this 

Stop myself falling down the rabbit hole

I've caught this early 

And I think I can at least hold ground for the moment 

Following on from your comments

And something that Eve wrote

I am seriously considering finding someone to help me with my diet and exercise 

Or failing that

Really researching and educating myself about maintaining a healthy body and mind 

Again

I don't want to be underweight 

But I do want to feel comfortable in my own skin

My BMI now is 21

And I think that is in or around what I have always been when healthy 

I have put my body through a lot over the years 

Really used and abused it

I want to try and be a lot kinder to it

More gentle 

Because God knows for years I put it through hell 

Starving it 

Bingeing and purging up to 20 times a day

Injecting drugs in to it

And generally treating it like a dust bin

At the moment 

I am having a battle in my head

Over what to eat

When to eat 

How much to it 

It's absolute torture

I'm going around and around in my head

Fighting with myself 

Then feeling guilty when I do it

This is all very ED I know

It's scary how quickly it can take up residence again in our lives

Before you know it 

You are knee deep in behaviours

Something that I am really missing is Mary 

She was always so helpful and practical

And just talking it over with someone really helps 

I guess I could call her 

Even just for a quick phone chat

I also have my friend from treatment who I can speak to

And will hopefully see her in the next week

She is always great to talk to too

As she is fighting the same battle that I am

So 

I guess I just keep on keeping on

Keep writing 

Keep talking 

Keep eating 

Keep remembering how far I've come

And that I don't want to go back to that vain existence 

Keep trying to live my life the best way I can 

Keep being accountable 

Honest 

About my struggles

As well as my triumphs 

Keep connecting with others in the same position as me 

Keep my supports

My family 

Who are my biggest cheer leaders

My friends 

I don't have many 

But the ones I do have are precious 

My dogs 

Who continue to be the light of my life 

I'm not giving up

I'm not backing down 

Anorexia and bulimia 

I hope you are ready for war

Because I'm not backing down without a fight 

Bring it on bitch....

Thinking it over

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my last post

I realise that it's not easy to tell someone when you think they might be going down a wrong path

Even as I wrote that post

I think I knew deep down that what I was doing was counter intuitive 

I was fighting against what my body wanted 

And needed to do

And I am now rethinking the whole weight loss thing 

As of this morning 

I've lost nine pounds

And my navy trousers most definitely fit

I have no need to continue on this path

Because I don't know if I'll be able to put the brakes on

I can't know when the ED takes over

As someone wrote yesterday

The line between losing a few pounds and the ED is a very fine one

In fact it's almost invisible 

I'm barely a year in to my recovery 

My body is finding its natural set point 

I think it's a good idea to lay off the junk food like I have though 

And concentrate on nourishing and feeding my body properly 

I swear 

I had been eating a lot of junk food 

Practically surviving on it 

And I know that's not good 

Again 

It's like it's all or nothing 

All the food 

Or none of the food 

Black or white 

Actually 

I don't think I've ever successfully dieted in my whole life

As in lose a sensible amount of weight while still feeding my body 

Fasts never worked for me either

I've always lost the most weight while bingeing and purging 

I suppose the body gets so dehydrated 

That the weight drops quickly

But even in the 11 days that I was trying to lose weight 

I think a lot of it is also dehydration

I haven't been purging much 

But admittedly

I haven't been feeding my body very well

Also

I had become more and more obsessed with the scale

Weighing myself a ridiculous amount of times a day 

And my mood and self esteem bouncing up and down along with the weight

Even at my lowest weight

I still allowed myself chocolate

Albeit I ate nothing else 

But I love my savoury and sweet treats 

I mean what is life without a little treat now and again?

I am a firm believer in everything in moderation

Including moderation

Whether I can put that in to practise is another matter 

I try 

I do

But again

My whole body and mind is programmed for all or nothing 

It doesn't seem to understand anything else 

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit

Or is it 28?

I'm Not quite sure 

But I know I can get my eating good if I just put in a little effort 

Heck I've given up heroin and cigarettes 

Why is food so damn tricky?

It's like my last nemesis 

It's just so hard because I can cut heroin, alcohol and smokes out of my life 

But with food 

You can't do that 

Well you can 

But that would completely defeat the purpose 

Yes 

It's tricky to find a happy medium

Especially for people with EDs and addiction issues

Another thing is the numbers

I know I can get totally obsessed seeing the numbers go down

It's like a power trip 

That false feeling that you are in control

But of course you are in fact spinning wildly out of control

Someone mentioned yesterday 

About allowing my body to be the size it wants to be 

This is another interesting point

Before my ED

I was always around 54kg

But since my ED developed 

My weight has fluctuated a lot

I never seem to stay the same weight for long

Because of all the bingeing and purging 

I've been trying to stay in around a size 8 - 10

But maybe my body needs to be bigger for a while

I'm sure my metabolism is shot at this point 

And my body is compensating 

Because it's not always sure when it's being fed again

Or if I will let my body keep the food

Now my challenge is to get back to some sort of normality

Over the last week or so

I've become used to being hungry 

And almost even enjoying it

All of a sudden 

It becomes difficult to eat

And I don't doubt that it will be now

I will take it easy 

Rule no 1 is to stop weighing 

And to eat three meal and snacks

But still allow myself a treat when the fancy takes me

I guess I  am a work in progress

As I wrote yesterday

Recovery is not a straight road

God knows I make mistakes on a daily basis 

But I do try to learn from them

And not repeat them

That is the trick I think 

Yesterday's comments 

Reminded me why I write this blog

You beautiful and smart ladies have me done sterling advice 

And thdt is exactly why I wrote they post yesterday 

As I know you will tell me what I need to hear

Rather than what I want to hear

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

For reading 

For being there

For being honest with me

Even when it's difficult and awkward 

I appreciate it more than you will ever know 

Also

I lost a follower today

Is that because I disappointed you?

Ana bites back???

The past week has been tough

And I've avoided writing about it 

Because I don't know if there's cause for concern

I don't know if what I am doing is normal

Or an ED behaviour

I don't know if I should even write about it

But when I read Kate's post the other day

And saw she had the courage to post how she was feeling 

This blog is not about how recovery is all rainbows and unicorn farts

This blog is about reality

About what life is like living with

And recovering from an ED and addiction

And let me tell you

Recovery is not a straight path 

There are many twists and turns

And bumps and obstacles along the way

Sometimes it feels like one step forward

And two steps back

Right now I feel like I have taken those steps backwards

Let me explain

In recent times 

I had stopped weighing 

And was using my clothes as a measure of my size

I had certain items of clothing that were like a gauge for me

One item being a pair of navy trousers that I bought in London summer 2014

These trousers are a size 10

But have a really tight fastener at the front 

When I bought them 

They were a bit too big 

But I like to have a bit of wiggle room in my clothes

Over the next year my weight was quite stable 

And any time I tried on the trousers 

They always fit 

Then this year my weight fluctuated quite a lot 

I lost weight in Turkey

But put it on again when I came home 

Then 

About 10 days ago 

I weighed myself 

The number didn't devastate me

In fact it didn't mean a whole lot

But then 

I tried on said navy trousers 

And couldn't close the clasp

Albeit they were just a little bit too tight

But to me

That was unacceptable 

I didn't plan on doing anything 

I wasn't dieting or anything like it 

But one thing was for sure

I was getting back in to those trousers 

So

I began to be more mindful of what I was eating 

And decided not to eat after my main meal in the evening 

And dare I say it

I even had a goal weight

Am I on dodgy ground yet?

I think so...

The last ten days

Ive been weighing myself every morning 

I've lost eight pounds 

And want to lose a few more 

I must stress though

I am not under weight 

And goal weight is not under weight 

I just want to fit in my clothes 

That's ok

Isn't it?

I don't know 

This all seems harmless

And maybe I  am totally deluded 

The navy trousers close now 

But now I want more room I them 

Is that ED talking?

I don't know guys 

Please tell me if this sounds disordered 

Or if it's normal to want to lose a few pounds 

Because I don't want to go backwards 

I don't want to be underweight

I don't want to put my family through that nightmare again

I've told my mother about my plan

And asked her to alert me if I'm getting obsessive 

I am eating 

And I am not starving 

Or bingeing and purging 

I'm just being a little more careful with what I choose to eat 

I just want to feel ok in my skin

I just want to fit in to my clothes 

I just want to be healthy and happy 

I do not want to harm myself 

Or any one else 

Thoughts please..