Another year over...

I can't believe it's December already

I can remember last Christmas like it was yesterday

Time is going too fast for my liking 

The past couple of days have been really tough 

The toughest I've had in more than a year

My bingeing and purging is spinning wildly out of control 

It's beginning to frighten me

As I can't seem to stop

Rewind to May 2014 

I was purging up to twenty times a day

And following a half hearted overdose

I was started on Prozac

It really helped me get my food issues under control 

And evened me out 

But lately 

My life has been one huge binge, purge session 

I think back to how I let this slip

I remember the navy trousers

And wanting to fit back in to them

I wanted to lose a few pounds

I had no intention of becoming underweight again

I just wanted to be a size where I felt comfortable

So I cut out chocolate 

And tried to eat mindfully 

However 

My brain seemed to go straight to ED mode

And the purging began to increase

Fast forward three weeks later

The navy trousers now fit

And are even a bit big 

I've lost more than a few pounds   

But the purging persists 

And I am Losing the will to live 

I spoke to Breda today

And will be seeing her Monday

I also texted Mary today

And hopefully she will get back to me

It's time to call in the troops

Batten down the hatches 

And prepare for a fight 

The time of year doesn't help either

Already there is so much food around 

And it's hard to resist 

I would just love to see Mary

If only to do out a meal plan

And see where I am going wrong 

Yesterday was horrendous 

I was literally going around in circles 

From the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom

I have a path worn

It's crazy 

Mindless eating

Just stuffing it in to me

Only to bring it back up seconds later 

For me

There is a lot of shame attached to these behaviours

Guilt

And embarrassment 

I mean who wants to admit that they spent half the day with their head in the toilet bowl

I also feel greedy 

Let me give you an example 

A few days ago 

I made dinner for my sister, my parents and I 

Beef goulash 

After we all had some

There was about two portions left

Which I planned to have when everyone went to bed 

Then unexpectedly 

My other sister and my nephew called down

As the power had gone in their house

Out of politeness 

I asked them if they wanted some dinner 

Secretly hoping they would say no

Which they did 

But my mother insisted that they have some

I got really annoyed that therewould be none left for me

And had to leave the room in fear that I would throw tantrum in front of everyone

This is one example of how irrational my ED

I would rather have eaten and purged two portions of the stew

Rather than give them to my sister and nephew who were probably starving 

That right there 

Is insanity

I'm on my own for a couple of days

It's nice to have some time to myself 

But it also means that my ED can run riot 

I swear guys

I just don't have the energy for this anymore

I'm exhausted 

And the thought of another day bingeing and purging is enough to send me bat shit crazy

I know I'm going to have to talk to my doctor too

To check my bloods

And just to let him know what is happening 

I really thought that I had left these days behind me

Apparently not 

And I mean really

What is the point of losing a few pounds 

If you have to puke your guts up to get there 

I don't know guys

It's a difficult time of year 

Especially if you are trying to remain in recovery

Or trying to stay clean and sober and smoke free

It's not called the silly season for nothing

Thankfully

We are having a quiet family Christmas this year

With only my neighbour joining us for dinner

I don't think I could handle any more than that 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

How do you deal with slips/relapses?

What do you find helps to get you back on track?

Do you have any advice for me?

All responses welcome....

Home sweet Home....

For me

The best thing about going away

Is coming home

After a long journey yesterday

We arrive home at about 7pm

Honey and Lea had a huge welcome for me

And I sat on the floor with them for a while

My Dad stayed with them for the weekend

They absolutely love him

And just fling themselves at him when they see him

When I know he is on the way

I say to the dogs

'Whose come to see you?'

I don't think they know what the words mean

But my tone of voice lets them know thdt something exciting is about to happen

I then unpacked my case 

Changed in to a comfortable pair of pyjamas 

Made a cup of tea 

And curled up on the couch for the evening 

I also weighed myself this morning

I gained a grand total of one pound over the last few days 

But seriously 

I need to do something about the food situation at the moment

I'm back in the cycle of eat, purge, eat, purge...

I can't even say I am bingeing

As the amount I am eating does not constitute a binge

But to all intents and purposes 

It feels very much like a binge

Craving the food the way I used to crave heroin

The mindless, out of control eating

And then purging it all out

I read recently about the difference between emotional hunger and physical hunger

Apparently 

With physical hunger

Almost anything will fill that hole

Any type of food will satisfy the craving 

But with emotional hunger 

It is a lot more acute 

You crave a certain item of food

And only that food will do

Usually it's a high fat, high sugar or carbohydrate type food

I know I crave strong flavours

Sour and salt and tangy

I never find I crave lettuce or cucumber

It's always bread, crisps and chocolate 

Of course 

I am struggling though

My purging has increased a lot in the past couple of weeks 

And it's effecting everything

I can't enjoy my food

As I know what wil happen once I have eaten 

I know I will have to excuse myself to the nearest bathroom after I eat

I will have to check out the toilets cubicles 

Or maybe use the disabled bathroom if there is no one around 

As it has its own little room

So no one would see or hear anything

 More often than not 

The toilets are little cubicles in cafes and restaurants 

With only a thin sheet of wood separating them

But still

It's not nice having to do that 

At least at home there is a level of privacy and comfort 

I know how this game goes though

I start weighing obsessively 

Purging more and more

Buying specific binge food 

And having marathon eat , purge sessions 

I saw my doctor this morning 

But didn't take the opportunity to speak to him

Instead 

I will contact Mary

And ask for a couple of sessions 

I believe I can get back on track with a little help and support

I hope I haven't disappointed you 

I will keep fighting for a better life

I'm not going to give up

That's just not my style...

Heading Home

It's Monday morning

Usually I would be at the doctors around this time

But today is different

Today I am on a train from Cork bound for Dublin

It's easier to go to Dublin first 

Then over to the west and my home town

The first train takes two hours forty minutes

Then we get a tram to Connolly train station

Where we board another train that takes three hours

After that there is a thirty minute car ride to our house

So all in all

It's a bit of a marathon of a journey

But then

I don't tend to be conscious for most of it

It's an enjoyable trip though

As we are on trains so we can drink tea and stretch our legs and use the bathroom if we need to 

Hopefully 

All going well

We should be home at about 7pm

Food for me has been really difficult this weekend 

From the moment we arrived until the moment we left 

I have been thinking about food

I guess because I am in someone else's house

I feel a bit out of control 

The foods I like to eat are not there

So I have to go to the shops and stock up

At the moment I am eating a lot of pickles

I always crave pickles when I am not feeling great physically 

I literally drink the vinegar from the jar

And the strong, tangy, sour flavour hits the spot every time

So we had to go through about four shops to find the pickles 

And the thing is 

Nothing else will do

It has to be pickles

Not gherkins 

Not spring onions 

Mixed pickles

It started on Friday when we arrived

My sisters partner had a lovely homely beef stew and mash ready for us

Perfect for a chilly winter evening 

I demolished a big bowl full

But I knew before I even started to eat

That it wouldn't stay down

I washed it all down with fizzy 7up

And excused myself to the bathroom

The house was small

Two bedrooms

And one bathroom

As I was sharing the facilities 

I needed to be quick, quiet and very clean and tidy

This started off a whole four days of eat, purge, eat, purge......

I was literally eating every few minutes

And purging just as much 

Over the weekend 

We ate out a couple of times

This is a nightmare 

Purging in public bathrooms is not an easy task 

But 

Over the years I have found ways and means of doing it

It's amazing how you never forget that stuff

As you can tell 

My purging had increased of late

It's becoming a problem again

And my body feels every bit of it 

I feel weary 

Stiff 

And sore 

I hate purging 

But I feel utterly compelled to do it

And now it seem to have set off some kind of chain reaction with eating and purging 

I literally couldn't stop eating 

And in turn purging 

I couldn't sit still on the couch

Every few minutes I would be up eating something else

It's complete obsessive behaviour

My mum has already said it to me

And I want to stop

But I feel so out of control its scary

Now I am going home 

I need to get back on track again

I think I am going to ring Mary 

And ask her for a couple of top up sessions 

I really could do with the extra support right about now

I had no scales this weekend either

Which drove me slightly batty

In my head I have gained ten pounds 

There's another problem right there 

The scales 

I really need to end that relationship once and for all

I want to be set free 

But in all reality

I know the first thing o do when I get home is to weigh myself 

This is all so horribly familiar

I've been here before 

Falling off the wagon

My ED is a slippery little sucker 

And my behaviours are snow balling at a rapid pace 

But still 

I kid myself in to thinking that I am ok 

Because I am not yet underweight 

When I know better 

I know that is complete horse shit

It doesn't matter how much you weigh

It's the behaviours

The actions 

More so than the number on the scale 

God can I spiel this stuff out

But applying it to myself is so difficult 

Anyway 

I'm looking forward to getting home

To see Honey and Lea

Who I hear have been very afraid of the storm that hit this weekend 

Thunder drives them nuts!

It's lovely to go away

But it's even lovlier to come home

I can't wait to close the door

Put a fire on 

Change in to my pyjamas 

Make a cup of tea 

And cosy up on the couch

See you on the next post.....

The Girl

There are two things that I notice more than anything else when ever I visit a city

The addicts

And the homeless 

I don't always see the shops

The lights 

The sights and the sounds 

I see the people asleep in doorways on cardboard boxes

I see the pinned and haunted eyes of heroin addicts

The empty bottles of the street drinkers 

The scatty manicness of the meth users 

The slurred speech of those on methadone

This city is no different

The first homeless guy I saw today was sitting on the cold hard ground

Dressed in a thin jumper and pants

He was visibly shivering with the cold 

His eyes on the ground in front of him

We walked by 

Stopped and looked back

We were all thinking the same thing 

The poor guy

We pooled our change and gave him five euro 

Tipping it in to his paper cup

He looked up when he heard the rattle of the change 

And stuck his hand out

As if to touch the saviour who would allow him to buy a cup of tea and a sandwich 

I usually talk to the homeless when I'm giving them something 

But with this guy

I don't know 

He looked so destitute 

I didn't think anything I could say could make him feel better

Walking away

I turned back to look at him 

He hadn't even checked his cup

His eyes still downwards

I felt guilty in that moment 

Guilty that I had so much 

And he had so little 

Life is unfair 

It's all a game of chance 

We went for lunch then 

And decided to pick the homeless man up some soup 

We walked back to where he was sitting 

There were people talking to him

Giving him bags of what I presume were food

He looked like he was rubbing tears from his eyes 

A lady kneeled at his side giving comforting words 

We decided to give the soup to another homeless person 

And it wasn't long before we met another one 

He gratefully accepted it

And we went on our way

Last night 

We went to see a musical 

After it had finished 

And we had all piled out of the theatre 

I had run across the road to the shop to get a carton of milk

I noticed a girl with two dogs out side the shop 

It was the dogs that attracted me 

And I bent down to pet them and talk too them 

And could tell by the girls demeanour that she was out of her mind 

She was skinny

Wobbly on her feet 

And louder then she needed to be

I asked her about the dogs 

She said they were rescue dogs 

That she was minding them for someone

They had no collars 

No leads 

And seemed really clingy and afraid 

I looked in to the girls eyes

Her pupils were pinned 

Her lids fighting against the weight of the heroin in her blood

I asked her if I could ask her a question

Was she on the gear

She said she was 

That she had recently relapsed after a nasty break up

She had been clean for a year 

All the while she was talking to me 

There was another guy that was in and out of the shop

Talking at great speed to the girl 

She continued to speak to me 

Then all of a sudden I just knew I had to get out of there 

This is how I've slipped before 

Putting myself in stupid situations 

I wished her good luck

And went to walk in to the shop 

Next thing I knew 

She threw her arms around me 

And gave me a huge hug

I was taken aback

But I hugged her back

And in that moment 

I wanted to take the girl and her dog home with me

Nurse her through her withdrawal 

Love her dog in to a happy and healthy little guy

I went in to the shop

The guy was ahead of me 

Buying everything and anything 

At one point he turned around and apologised to me

I said it was no problem 

Just then 

My sister appeared 

It turned out that my sister and mother had been standing across the street and witnessed the whole exchange

My sister asked me if I was ok

I said I was 

But I wasn't really

Again 

I felt a sense of guilt 

That I had got out

And that girl hadn't 

I wondered what kind of place they were living 

Was it safe?

Was it full of addicts?

Was it warm?

I also wondered about the dog

Would they look after him?

Feed him?

Would he have a bed to sleep in that night?

Would someone let him out off he needed to wee?

Or would he be forced to pee where he lay down?

These questions bothered me

And still bother me

I feel a sense of survivor guilt 

I was extremely lucky 

To make it out alive

And relatively unscathed 

There are so many who didn't 

It's more the girls that upset me

Probably because I can relate to them more

And the fact that I know drugs take a far harder toll on women 

Where I live now 

I don't have to look at it 

It's not in my face 

But here 

And in Dublin and other cities 

I see it every 

I've always struggled to describe the look that heroin addicts aquire after a certain amount of time using 

It's like their faces all become the same

That same hollow cheeked, haunted eyes look 

Like the lights are on but no one is home

I read a post once by Shane Leverne 

Who writes Memoires of a heroin head

He described one of his characters once as having a 'smack sculpted face'

These are exactly the words I had been looking for 

I couldn't have described it so perfectly 

It's Sunday morning now

And that girl is still on my mind

I'm not worried though 

I know that soon she will drift to the back 

of my mind soon enough

And I don't kid myself 

I know if I had not been with my family

I probably would have gone and used with her 

And become her new best friend 

That's the way it seems to work in the drug world

It's like a secret little community 

Where everyone is connected by the drug

Everyone has it in common

And that is enough to base whole relationships on

Whether they last an hour or a year 

Something I also noticed yesterday while taking to the girl

Was that we seemed to get in to a one upman ship about drugs 

It goes something like that like this 

You're using 3 years?

Oh I'm using 5 years?

You started using in Dublin?

Well I started in London

You nearly died once?

I actually did die 

Does this seem familiar to anyone?

Yes 

It's a lot like the game we play with out EDs 

The Hunger Games 

That's just the way it is

And I definitely don't miss that 

Anyway 

Today is the last day of our little jolly

We head back tomorrow morning 

Everyone else is still in bed

Tired after yesterday's exertions

It's nice to have some time to myself 

To make sense of last night 

Why do these things always happen to me.....

To Cork......

So

Here we are in Cork

My Mum, my sister and I 

Are all staying with my sisters partner

The journey here was a marathon

We left before 9am

And arrived at 5pm

Although

I'll tell you a little secret 

I slept most of the way in the back seat

So I wasn't as tired as the rest when we arrived

Cork is Ireland's biggest county

Lying in the south west of the country

I've only been here once before

And loved it

So was excited to come back

My sisters partner had a beautiful, homely stew with mash upon our arrival 

Just what the doctor ordered

We took it easy last night

And watched The Toy Show

Which I wrote about yesterday

If you can

I would look it up 

As it's just the perfect thing to get you in the mood for Christmas

We made our way to bed at midnight

And was out before I could even read one page of my book

I awoke first this morning 

Late for me at 9 30am

I came downstairs 

Made a huge cup of tea and toast

And waited for the others to surface

One by one 

They came downstairs 

And sausages and bacon were put on the pan 

We ate

Had a quick shower 

And piled out in to my sisters car and headed for town

Cork city is lovely

It doesn't have the manicness of Dublin

But it's bigger than the city near us at home

We wandered around the shops

I was on a strict budget 

So just bought I pair of jeggings in 

Yes you've guessed it 

Fat Face 

Stick that in your pipe anonymous 

My Mum was looking for a warm jacket 

So we all spent about 45mins in the changing rooms of one particular shop

This changing room was smaller than a toilet cubicle 

You couldn't swing a cat in it 

She didn't find anything though

Well she did 

But the prices were extortionate

So she's going to wait for the January sales

We went for lunch in the Cork opera house 

A quirky little place with coloured chairs that looked like a kindergarten 

I had the kids sausage and chips

Yes I only wanted a small portion so ordered from the kids menu

It was yummy though

A meal in miniature

We walked around for another while

And finished up in water stones book shop

Where my sister and I decided to walk home

And the others took the car

We are home now 

Going to have some grub

Before heading out to see a musical

It's called ahem..

Menopause the Musical

It's meant to be really funny 

It was either that or the ballet

So we went with the funny one

Below are some photos from today

Enjoy...

The Toy Show

As you know 

I live in Ireland 

We are a country who appreciates tradition

Especially around Christmas time

There is a long running chat show 

That is on every Friday night

Called The Late Late Show

It's really an institution in this country 

And every year 

Around the end of November 

The Late Late Show 

Transforms in to The Late Late Toy Show

Which is on tonight

I really cant explain The Toy Show and do it justice

It has to be seen to be believed

The whole studio is transformed in to a winter wonderland 

All the audience dress up

But the children are the star of the show

Some sing

Some dance 

Some try out the toys 

The opening number is always spectacular 

The host Ryan, sings and dances with the children 

And the standard of talent is enormous 

There are also celebrities 

Games 

And the audience always get loads of free toys and goodies 

I make a point of watching The Toy Show every year

Growing up it was the highlight of my life

I can remember watching it on the Friday night

And again on Sunday afternoon when it was repeated

I remember my father coming home from the pub 

Steaming drunk 

And watching the end of it with us

As I've grown up 

The Toy Show has remained an integral part of my Christmas

It's all about the children

And they really are the stars of the show

I can clearly remember two years ago

I was in treatment just before Christmas 

And The Toy Show was on one Friday night

I was pretty devastated that I had to be there for it

And I almost didn't get to see it 

As I was on bed rest

And had to ask for permission 

They let me 

You'd want to have a heart of stone to turn down that request 

So we all settled in the TV room

The ED girls with our large cups of tea

Curled up on the bucket seats 

With our legs folded under us 

And the other patients 

With their chocolate and biscuits

And electronic cigarettes 

When the ads came on

We all hauled to the smoking room next door for a cheeky smoke 

Even though we were in hospital

The atmosphere was jolly and merry 

I still think of those people 

And wonder how they are doing 

So 

Here I  am

In my pyjamas 

With a cup of tea in hand 

Waiting for the show to start

Yes I think it's happening

Christmas is most definitely here....

Methadone and trip to Cork....

I don't think I mentioned it on Monday

But my methadone was reduced 

My doctor had been talking about it for weeks

And he finally made a 2ml reduction this week

So I am now on 28mls

As you may know 

I am quite resistant to being weaned off the methadone 

And to be honest

More than putting up resistance 

I am petrified about it

I've been on this drug for ten years 

I'm physically and mentally 

Totally and absolutely addicted to it

My doctor asked me why I don't want to come off it

I couldn't really give him a reason 

Other than I am afraid 

I'm actually on more methadone now than I was last year

Summer 2014 

I was down to 22ml

And we could see an end point in sight 

Now the goalposts have been moved again

And that is down to me

And my fear of letting it go

It's also the structure of the methadone programme

Going to the doctor every week keeps me on the straight and narrow

And keeps me accountable 

I know if I use 

There will be consequences 

Then there is going to the chemist 

Collecting my Meds 

It's all an integral part of my life

I would feel a bit lost without that structure 

Or maybe I wouldn't 

Maybe I would relish my new found freedom

And get a new lease on life 

I don't know 

Because I'm too afraid to try

More than coming off the methadone

I am afraid of relapsing 

The very thought chills my bones

I would rather stay on methadone for the rest of my life  

That use for one more day

That's how scary it is to me

In other news 

I'm going away for the weekend tomorrow

My Mum, my sister and I are heading to Cork to stay with my sisters partner for a couple of nights 

It's a marathon drive at six hours down to the south west of the country

But we've been meaning to go for a while now 

So tomorrow is the day

I got a text last night 

From one of the ladies from AA 

I was delighted to get the text 

I guess I thought that people would just forget about me

It has really given me the push to go back to meetings 

So I am hoping to get to one next week

Fingers crossed 

You might have noticed that I have not write a personal post this week

That is mainly because I don't want to acknowledge what is happening

Needless to say

It's not good 

I feel like I am hanging on to recovery by my fingertips 

Every day it seems further and further away 

I'm not seeing Breda for another ten days

And I haven't yet contacted Mary 

As I keep hoping that things will improve

I'm reluctant to write too much about it 

As then it makes it real

Anyway 

That's it from me 

Just a short one today

I'll try and post from Cork

See you on the next post....