Tis the season....

We put up our Christmas decorations at the weekend

I wasn't really in the humour

And the thoughts of getting in the Christmas spirit made me want to curl up in to a ball and cry

But 

As the day went on

And we went through the attic

And found all our decorations old and new

I managed to cheer up a bit

I did the whole tree

Draped lights over the hall stand 

Lit cinnamon fragranced candles

And all of a sudden I felt really Christmassy 

We are having a quiet Christmas this year 

There will just be the six of us

And my elderly neighbour is coming for dinner

But I can't see her staying too long

As she likes a drink

And we always have an alcohol free Christmas 

I think back to Christmas growing up

It was always a wash out

My father would get horribly drunk 

It was always best to stay away from him before four drinks and after eight drinks

He would usually insult someone 

I can remember one Christmas when we all had to move to my sisters apartment because my father was on such a bender

Tough times needless to say

But now 

Well none of us drink anymore

So we have a quiet but civilised Christmas 

We have learned the hard way 

That alcohol just does not suit us

I've been thinking recently 

That I really don't  miss alcohol 

I mean 

Nothing is real when you are drunk

It's like everything is fake 

And I don't like that 

This country has been battered by two storms over the last week

First

Was storm Clodagh

Followed by storm Desmond 

The west bore the brunt of it

Rivers burst their banks 

Fields were flooded

Roads too 

Trees blew down

Poor animals had an awful time 

And worst of all 

Peoples houses were flooded

I was speaking to a woman in the supermarket yesterday

And the whole ground floor of her house was completely flooded

She showed me a video on her phone of the damage 

It looked just horrendous

What sort of Christmas will she have now?

I count my lucky stars that we weren't effected by the storms 

In other news 

I found out about a writing group in my area that is starting in January

It sounds great 

They meet every second Monday 

And there is no pressure 

I'm actually really looking forward to it

Bredas words yesterday really resonated with me

She said that I am too young to sit and home and waste my life 

I need to get out and about more 

Meet people 

Socialise 

Expand a little bit 

Because at the moment 

Short of walking my dogs and blogging

I am doing very little 

I need something to take me away from myself

And out of my own head 

Also 

On Thursday 

I am going to get another piercing done

Either my septum 

Or my upper lip

I am super excited to get it done

And of course 

I wil document the whole thing for you 

My parents despair at why I am doing this

And I am secretly kind of enjoying that 

It feeds my need to be a bit of a rebel 

So that's it from me today 

As promised 

I will do a Christmas survival kit post sometime this week

As I know it can be a really tough time of year 

There are not many of us bloggers left 

Do we need to stick together 

look out for each other 

And support each other 

Christmas can really be a lonely time of year 

Maybe you're recently bereaved 

Or estranged from your family 

Maybe you're dealing with illness

Mental or physical 

Maybe you have no one to spend Christmas Day with 

Maybe you are struggling with food

Or your mood is low 

Maybe the thoughts of Christmas send your anxiety in to over drive 

Maybe you don't even want to celebrate 

Because you can't find a reason to 

I think it's so important to reach out to the vulnerable at this time of year 

Call in to an elderly neighbour

Maybe get them a little gift 

Maybe invite them over for dinner

Or help them with their shopping 

It really is the little things that make a huge difference

Saying hello to someone on the street 

Giving them a smile 

It may be the only human voice they hear all day 

And it might just brighten their day

One thing I like to do at this time of year 

Is leave an anonymous letter for someone to find 

A really positive letter to make someone feel good 

I've left them before in car parks 

On windows of cars 

In public bathrooms 

It's just spreading a little bit of love

At a time when people are so caught up in themselves and their own lives

I truly hope that you have a relaxing and peaceful Christmas this year

God knows you deserve it

I hope you get to spend time with the people you love

And tell them 

Tell them how much they mean to you

That can be the greatest gift of all

Usually at this time of year 

I use it as an excuse to over take my meds 

And generally be a bit out of it

But this year 

I am going to do my best to be present and lucid

So I can really be part of things 

And enjoy it 

I am so blessed to be able to say that my family are doing well at the moment 

Between addiction, mental health issues and resentments 

My family really has been through the wars 

But 

We have managed to get through it

And come out the other side

I am eternally grateful for that 

And as my mother often says

Given what we have been through

We are not doing to badly at all

Merry Christmas

To you and yours....

Monday

Just like Sunday is the day of rest

Monday is the day of the doctor

I rose while it was still dark

Stumbled to the kitchen 

Where Honey and Lea greeted me

I must have got up at some point in the night

And let them in to the kitchen 

Although I have no memory of doing so 

It's like Lea knows it's Monday morning

As she is always rearing to go

Honey was less keen to venture outside

And had to be coaxed in to the car

I drove slowly to town

As were experiencing the tail end of storm Desmond at the moment 

There is much flooding and damage done in the area 

My neighbours whole patio blew away this weekend 

We arrived at the doctors safely 

And my mum went to walk the dogs

While I went to the surgery

I was called in the minute I sat down

I was also planning to tell my doctor about my food issues at the moment 

We talked about the storm for a few minutes 

Then I broached the subject of my ED

He weighed me 

And checked his computer for my weight records 

But the only weights he had recorded was when I was really under weight

And the last weight he recorded was under 40 kilos

He obviously stopped recording my weight when I began to recover 

So he had nothing to reference from

But by my calculations 

I've lost 14 pounds since the incident with the navy jeans 

My doctor to me he would keep an eye on it 

But the was no need to worry yet

Then he said that he has a patient in treatment 

And their goal weight was the same as my current weight

Way to make me feel like my problems matter 

I then went and collected my meds in the pharmacy 

And headed back down to the surgery to see Breda 

I haven't seen her in over a month

So there was much to catch up on

I brought her up to speed on everything

My meds 

The methadone reduction 

Meetings

I also told her about my struggling with food

How the purging has increased 

And my weight headed south 

She asked me what had triggered this

And all I could think of 

Was the day I tried on my navy trousers 

And couldn't fasten them 

Breda is great

The best addiction counsellor that I've ever seen

She always has good common sense

And practical advice 

She encouraged me to ring Mary again

And maybe get some top up sessions to get me back on track

So I will give Mary a ring today

And hopefully will be able to see her this side of Christmas 

My weight is now on the very low side of healthy 

And is still dropping rapidly 

I know if I don't do something soon

That I will be I deep trouble 

I can't afford to lose any more 

Breda also asked me how I am spending my days 

I gave her an idea 

She told me that it is really important that I have an occupation

A reason to get up in the morning 

To mix with others 

And push out of my comfort zone 

She makes a lot of sense with this 

I'm really not doing a whole lot at the moment 

Outside of taking care of my dogs

And writing my blog 

Breda said thdt I am too young to be sitting at home on my laurels 

I need to get out and about 

Socialise 

Do new things

And things that I enjoy 

She is really on the ball in this regard 

My life is very limited at the moment

I dont see a lot of people outside of my family 

I also don't go out a whole lot

And when I do

I am always anxious to get home

Breda also asked about meetings 

And if I was attending 

Unfortunately 

I haven't been going 

Breda said that all I have to do is go once or twice a week

And I don't have to speak if I don't want to

And I guess I don't 

Knowing that I don't have to speak does lessen the anxiety 

So I hope to go back soon

As for me 

 I'm trying desperately to hang on to my recovery 

What's left of it 

Every day it's a battle

But it's one thdt I refuse to lose 

What's happening to blogger?

I'm worried

Blogger seems to be falling apart 

Breaking down 

Coming apart at the seams

Very few of us are posting these days

And those that are posting are struggling massively

Every day it seems another person drops off the face of the blogosphere 

I remember a couple of years ago 

There was a thriving community

Now

It seems there are very few of us left

I hope the ones who left 

Have left for a better life 

That they don't need this community anymore 

Because they are getting on with their lives

The reality is some will have recovered

Some will be living somewhere between the disorder and recovery

And some won't recover

And will possibly die 

It's a stark reminder that this illness is not a fad

Or a phase 

Or a diet 

It's a deadly mental illness that destroys lives 

If these ladies did go to find recovery

Then I am very glad 

I would rather have a quiet blogosphere

Than a blogosphere full of very ill people 

I wish them every health and happiness

And hope they find a life beyond ED

Christmas is a tough time

We need to stick together 

Support each other 

Look out for each other 

Our community is dwindling 

And we need to look after the ones who are left 

As for me 

I'm doing ok 

Slowly trying to claw back the ground I lost 

I'm still weighing which is a problem

I know I do a lot better when I avoid the scales

For a while there

The only thing in the day I looked forward to was standing on the scales in the morning

How sad is that?

Apologies for the short posts these days 

I don't want to go on and on about how I'm struggling 

I'm hoping that soon 

I will be back on track 

And back to myself 

Living my life 

Volunteering 

Going on dates 

Spending time with friends

All that good stuff 

Thank you for staying with me

I appreciate it more than you know 

The build up to the season....

We are having a quiet family Christmas this year

The only person coming for dinner is my elderly neighbour

And I doubt she will stay very long

I thank my lucky stars, God and whoever else made this happen 

As I just couldn't cope with a big deal this Christmas

There will be seven of us 

All of whom are aware of my situation and will cut me some slack if I need it

I have nothing done for Christmas

Not one present bought

We are supposed to be putting up the decorations today 

But I would rather eat my own food 

This is not a good sign 

As I am usually chief decorator 

I just can't seem to summon the energy or the inclination 

But as ever 

I will put on a brave face 

And do my best to get in to the Christmas spirit 

Which reminds me

I must do a Christmas survival kit post soon 

In other new 

The bingeing and purging seems to have ceased 

Praise the Lord!

As I was beginning to lose the will to live over here 

It really is truly horrid to be stuck in the binge purge cycle 

The feeling of being wildly out of control

Of not being able to stop 

The relentless march from the kitchen to the bathroom 

The constant shopping and the waste of money on good food 

It's all just a nightmare 

I had been going since I was in Cork

There is something about being in someone else's house 

That makes me feel so out of control

And I feel I have to eat all the time

When I got home

I spent another three days on the merry-go-round 

And then yesterday 

All of a sudden 

It stopped in its tracks

I dont know how or why 

Maybe I was burnt out 

Maybe my body had had enough 

Whatever the reason

I'm just glad it's over 

For now

I feel like a complete fraud at the moment 

A fraud in recovery 

A fraud being clean and sober

A fraud in life

But then again

I am also conscious not to be too hard on myself 

Because I know that's food for the disorder

And that's the last thing I need

As I mentioned yesterday 

I am now the weight that I wanted to get to

Which is the weight I was before ED

And was also my goal weight when I was in hospital 

Which puts me at a BMI of almost 20

So

Now that I've lost weight

Do I feel any happier?

Any better?

Am I now thin and pretty?

Has my life improved in any great way?

Am I more popular?

More successful?

Does weight loss make me a better person?

Well I can categorically answer no to all those questions

In reality 

The only thing that has changed 

Is that I take up less space

And what good is that?

The only other side effects I have experienced are dizziness, nausea, seeing stars and lightheadedness

I think back to a few weeks ago

When I was about 7 kilos heavier 

I was doing ok

I wasn't unhappy 

Ok some days i struggled with body image

But I was getting on with my life 

I wasn't weighing myself 

And I felt pretty good

I know that I need to let go of the reigns

The control

And let my body be

Stop trying to mould myself in to what society deems beautiful

I had reached a point where i liked  the curvy look more than the skinny look

I look at Cheryl Cole on the TV every week 

Her ever shrinking frame

Her hollow cheek bones

Her eyes huge in her head

And I feel nothing but sorry for her

She is not to be coveted or envied 

She is to be pitied

I was even beginning to like my thighs

Which I've always hated

Yet

I let my mind play tricks on me

I went back to thinking that skinny was the way to go

But it doesn't suit me

It never has

I just look pale and wan and ill

So

This is me 

I am struggling 

Even though logically and rationally I know what I am doing is not good

It's still so very hard to stop

And the time of year doesn't help either

But as ever

And like all the ladies here on blogger

I will keep fighing

Keep hoping 

And most of all 

Keep believing.....

Untitled

Apologies

I know I haven't  been great at replying to emails or comments recently

And I know some of you are worried 

I am ok

Or at least I will be

I just feel so stupid

So silly that I thought I could lose a few pounds and leave it at that 

I'm now at the weight I wanted to be

But is it the weight my body wants to be?

I'm not so sure

I almost feel like I've been duped

Or tricked by my ED

By my own mind 

She tempted me with the usual false promises 

That I will be happier

Thinner

Prettier 

More successful 

If i just lost a few pounds 

What really gets me is that I fell for it

I didn't even see it coming 

I really thought that I was in control

I mean honestly 

I am/was in early recovery 

How could I have possibly thought that losing weight was a good idea

But at the same time

I don't want to give myself too hard a time

Because that can feed in to the disorder too

I know I need to regroup

Refocus 

Learn from this Mistake 

And get back on track

I've been on my own for the last few days 

And it's been utter bedlam 

My dogs look at me going from to bathroom 

They sense that I'm not fully present

Because I'm not 

I'm all over the shop

My thinking 

My behaviours 

My mood 

Anxiety 

And I feel like utter horse shit

I'm dizzy 

I'm lethargic 

My body feels like it's taken a beating 

Probably because it has 

I haven't heard from Mary yet 

I'm sure she's busy 

But I hope I hear from her soon 

I can't go on like this 

It will kill me 

I know it will

I really appreciate all of you who have left comments, texts and emails

Thank you 

And you make so much sense

I know I am fighting against what my body wants and needs 

Maybe I am meant to be a little bigger than this 

What is wrong with that?

It seems that is fine for others 

But not for me 

I hold myself to a different standard 

I need to stop doing that 

So 

I  am ok

I'm here 

Still fighting 

And not giving up....

Another year over...

I can't believe it's December already

I can remember last Christmas like it was yesterday

Time is going too fast for my liking 

The past couple of days have been really tough 

The toughest I've had in more than a year

My bingeing and purging is spinning wildly out of control 

It's beginning to frighten me

As I can't seem to stop

Rewind to May 2014 

I was purging up to twenty times a day

And following a half hearted overdose

I was started on Prozac

It really helped me get my food issues under control 

And evened me out 

But lately 

My life has been one huge binge, purge session 

I think back to how I let this slip

I remember the navy trousers

And wanting to fit back in to them

I wanted to lose a few pounds

I had no intention of becoming underweight again

I just wanted to be a size where I felt comfortable

So I cut out chocolate 

And tried to eat mindfully 

However 

My brain seemed to go straight to ED mode

And the purging began to increase

Fast forward three weeks later

The navy trousers now fit

And are even a bit big 

I've lost more than a few pounds   

But the purging persists 

And I am Losing the will to live 

I spoke to Breda today

And will be seeing her Monday

I also texted Mary today

And hopefully she will get back to me

It's time to call in the troops

Batten down the hatches 

And prepare for a fight 

The time of year doesn't help either

Already there is so much food around 

And it's hard to resist 

I would just love to see Mary

If only to do out a meal plan

And see where I am going wrong 

Yesterday was horrendous 

I was literally going around in circles 

From the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom

I have a path worn

It's crazy 

Mindless eating

Just stuffing it in to me

Only to bring it back up seconds later 

For me

There is a lot of shame attached to these behaviours

Guilt

And embarrassment 

I mean who wants to admit that they spent half the day with their head in the toilet bowl

I also feel greedy 

Let me give you an example 

A few days ago 

I made dinner for my sister, my parents and I 

Beef goulash 

After we all had some

There was about two portions left

Which I planned to have when everyone went to bed 

Then unexpectedly 

My other sister and my nephew called down

As the power had gone in their house

Out of politeness 

I asked them if they wanted some dinner 

Secretly hoping they would say no

Which they did 

But my mother insisted that they have some

I got really annoyed that therewould be none left for me

And had to leave the room in fear that I would throw tantrum in front of everyone

This is one example of how irrational my ED

I would rather have eaten and purged two portions of the stew

Rather than give them to my sister and nephew who were probably starving 

That right there 

Is insanity

I'm on my own for a couple of days

It's nice to have some time to myself 

But it also means that my ED can run riot 

I swear guys

I just don't have the energy for this anymore

I'm exhausted 

And the thought of another day bingeing and purging is enough to send me bat shit crazy

I know I'm going to have to talk to my doctor too

To check my bloods

And just to let him know what is happening 

I really thought that I had left these days behind me

Apparently not 

And I mean really

What is the point of losing a few pounds 

If you have to puke your guts up to get there 

I don't know guys

It's a difficult time of year 

Especially if you are trying to remain in recovery

Or trying to stay clean and sober and smoke free

It's not called the silly season for nothing

Thankfully

We are having a quiet family Christmas this year

With only my neighbour joining us for dinner

I don't think I could handle any more than that 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

How do you deal with slips/relapses?

What do you find helps to get you back on track?

Do you have any advice for me?

All responses welcome....

Home sweet Home....

For me

The best thing about going away

Is coming home

After a long journey yesterday

We arrive home at about 7pm

Honey and Lea had a huge welcome for me

And I sat on the floor with them for a while

My Dad stayed with them for the weekend

They absolutely love him

And just fling themselves at him when they see him

When I know he is on the way

I say to the dogs

'Whose come to see you?'

I don't think they know what the words mean

But my tone of voice lets them know thdt something exciting is about to happen

I then unpacked my case 

Changed in to a comfortable pair of pyjamas 

Made a cup of tea 

And curled up on the couch for the evening 

I also weighed myself this morning

I gained a grand total of one pound over the last few days 

But seriously 

I need to do something about the food situation at the moment

I'm back in the cycle of eat, purge, eat, purge...

I can't even say I am bingeing

As the amount I am eating does not constitute a binge

But to all intents and purposes 

It feels very much like a binge

Craving the food the way I used to crave heroin

The mindless, out of control eating

And then purging it all out

I read recently about the difference between emotional hunger and physical hunger

Apparently 

With physical hunger

Almost anything will fill that hole

Any type of food will satisfy the craving 

But with emotional hunger 

It is a lot more acute 

You crave a certain item of food

And only that food will do

Usually it's a high fat, high sugar or carbohydrate type food

I know I crave strong flavours

Sour and salt and tangy

I never find I crave lettuce or cucumber

It's always bread, crisps and chocolate 

Of course 

I am struggling though

My purging has increased a lot in the past couple of weeks 

And it's effecting everything

I can't enjoy my food

As I know what wil happen once I have eaten 

I know I will have to excuse myself to the nearest bathroom after I eat

I will have to check out the toilets cubicles 

Or maybe use the disabled bathroom if there is no one around 

As it has its own little room

So no one would see or hear anything

 More often than not 

The toilets are little cubicles in cafes and restaurants 

With only a thin sheet of wood separating them

But still

It's not nice having to do that 

At least at home there is a level of privacy and comfort 

I know how this game goes though

I start weighing obsessively 

Purging more and more

Buying specific binge food 

And having marathon eat , purge sessions 

I saw my doctor this morning 

But didn't take the opportunity to speak to him

Instead 

I will contact Mary

And ask for a couple of sessions 

I believe I can get back on track with a little help and support

I hope I haven't disappointed you 

I will keep fighting for a better life

I'm not going to give up

That's just not my style...