What is happening?

I don't know what is happening

But I've lost 20 followers in the past few hours 

I don't know what I have done or said

Will someone please tell what is going on?

Alive and kicking!

Just a little photo post 

To show you that I am alive and kicking

Albeit a bit pale and wan

Lea is constantly by my side these days 

And Honey keeps an eye on things from her bed 

Hence why she is not in the photo

Happy Saturday!!

Home sweet home

I'm home 

Praise the Lord I am home

I was discharged yesterday at lunch time

My doctor came in the early morning

And told me that my bloods were almost back to normal

And I would be discharged that day

It was welcome news

Hospital life is fine for a while

But there's no place like home

All things were pointing to my being discharged 

I was allowed to eat a low fat diet

I was taken off the drip

I had no pain

And was generally feeling a lot better

And of course 

Hospitals don't tend to keep you one minute more than necessary 

So 

I packed up my little bag

Got dressed for the first time in almost a week 

And made sure to have a little chat with all the ladies before I went

They were especially nice on my ward

Ladies in for all kind of things from kidney stones to bladder problems 

We all bonded over cups of tea

And really looked out for each other 

I wished them all luck

Then went to the day room to wait to be formally discharged 

I was barely out of my bed before it was filled 

In fact there was a girl in the day room waiting for my bed 

They don't mess around in hospitals do they?

My Dad arrived to pick me up

And we continued to wait to speak with doctor and get my prescription

Even though I was feeling better

I still wasn't back to myself 

And was incredibly tired

I had to fight sleep sitting with my dad 

Eventually the doctor came

And spoke to both of us 

He explained that they thought the pancreatitis was as a result of being on my meds for so long

Exacerbated by my ED

And to stay well I needed to watch my diet 

Take it easy 

And maybe try and come off some of the meds 

We thanked the doctor

And made our way home 

There was a flurry of activity when I arrived home

The two workmen who did our kitchen were there 

And they gave me a racous welcome home

And of course Honey and Lea went beserk 

I've havent seen Honey move so fast since she was a puppy 

There were so many people in the house 

They didn't know who to go to first 

After sitting with them for a while 

I went and unpacked my bag 

And changed in to my pjs

And retreated to the couch with a cozy blanket 

Where I promptly fell asleep for the evening 

The rents thought that when I woke up was a good time to tackle me about my lifestyle 

I make no secret of the fact that I lead a very unhealthy life style

My food is nothing short of atrocious

I purge 

I don't get enough vitamins and minerals 

More often than not I am dehydrated 

And basically I am like a grown up child 

I eat what I want 

When I want 

And don't take my health in to consideration one jot

Heck, I only gave up smoking because of the inflated price of them

Not because of my health

I guess when you don't like yourself very much 

You don't really care about the health of your body 

You don't care if you live or die 

It makes no difference to me

But I really need to start taking proper care of myself

No more crisps

No more chocolate 

No more eating what I want 

And definitely no purging 

Which is going to be the toughest part I just know it 

I've also decided to stop weighing 

My scale is not that reliable 

But weighing yourself everyday

And recording it

Can not be healthy right?

Anyway

I don't need a scale to tell me I've lost weight

I just need to look in the mirror to see that 

Anyway

I'll just take it day by day 

I had no appointment with my doctor this morning 

But I rocked up and 9am anyway

And he saw me pretty quickly which I was grateful for 

I got my prescription

And headed to the chemist 

Where I am as I type this

This week has been a bit of an eye opener 

Change has to happen if I want to live 

And I do 

I really do 

As I always say 

Baby steps all the way

Day 5 in hospital

Yesterday I was feeling so much better

Still had pain 

But I could bear it without pain relief 

I was preparing for another foodless day

When my doctor came in to the ward to do his rounds

I swear he barely stays a second at my bed

He starts talking as he's walking towards the bed 

And barely even stops 

Before zoom....

He's gone again

Anyway 

He gave me the good news that I could eat a little yesterday 

I was over the freakin' moon

I mean I got so excited at the prospect of a cup of proper  tea and some toast slathered in butter 

Breakfast was over so the student nurse went and got me said items

I made the tea and tasted it

It was hot and sweet

And when down my throat like honey

Then buttered the toast

It was a little cold 

But I didn't care 

It was still the most delicious thing

I'm on a low fat diet

As apparently fat agrevates the pancreas

That's going to go well....

The afternoon went by in a blur

I had been awake since 4 30am

So by the time I took my meds 

I was starting to nod 

It was funny because all my room mates were telling me to lie down

Then my sister rang me

And I fell asleep 

And dropped the phone in the middle of the conversation

I woke up again

All I could here was 'Hello? Hello?'

I didn't know where the voice was coming from 

And then realised it was my phone

Very funny

My Dad came in the afternoon

And we sat in the day room 

He is taking this admission very seriously 

And gave me quite the serious lecture about changing my ways 

My food 

My daily routine 

Meds 

The whole kit and kubudle

I know

I don't need to be told 

Some things gotta give

And it did 

At lunch time I had a ham sandwich and tea 

As hospital sandwiches go

It was decent enough

Enough so for me to wolf it down

By this stage I was off my drip

And thank God 

Because it was such hassle bringing it with me everywhere I went

The doctor also said that I might get home today or tomorrow

Which was super duper news

It's Thursday morning now

And I am just waiting for my doctor to come around 

I guess it will depend on my bloods

And how high the amylase in my blood is 

It has been coming down since yesterday 

So I am hoping for some good results

Hospital stays are not that enjoyable

Especially if you are really ill and in pain

The thing that eases that discomfort are the positivity and kindness of the nurses

And the generosity of the other ladies in the ward with me

Anyone who has been in my room has been lovely 

And we all look after each other 

Which is nice 

So 

I will update again later 

To let you know if I get home or not 

I mean time 

I hope you are enjoying the run up to the holidays

It doesn't feel much like Christmas in here at all

Cross your fingers that I get home.....

Day 4

It's early morning here again in hospital 

About 6am

And day 4 of no food

I was allowed two half cups of tea yesterday 

Which were absolute heaven

I gulped them down like water

When the night staff came on

I asked one of the nurses could I weigh myself in the morning 

She wasn't too sure that it was a good idea

But I insisted that I wouldn't have a hissy fit

So the nurse just brought the scales around

A dial one in kilos 

I stood on it

And was shocked to see I had gained three kilos 

I asked the nurse how was that possible when I haven't eaten in 3 days

She said it was the fluid

That they are pumping litres of fluid in to me every day 

And that it will settle down again

Before I had a complete meltdown

I remembered that the last time I was in hospital with pancreatitis 

I gained weight too while I was there

Then when I got home

The weight fell off me

So I won't panic just yet

I'm getting to know the ladies on my ward 

There is a lot of shuffling about 

Moving people in and out of beds

But on the whole 

The people are lovely 

Some are sicker than others 

Some don't talk at all

My last neighbour talked continuously 

Like a mantra over and over against

She was 92 

A night woman 

In her day she had been a pharmacist

She went home yesterday

And two very handsome ambulance men came to take her home 

Boy was I jealous.

I also asked the nurse if she thought I'd be allowed eat today

She said not a chance

I was crushed 

I was holding on for tea and toast

It was the only thing keeping me going

She also said that I'll be here for a while

Which is also not good news

Christmas is fast approaching 

And desperately want to be home

All I can do is hope and pray that this thing clears up by then 

I just wish I could sleep more 

But it's just not happening 

Even with a sleeping tablet 

I'm awake at 5am

With not a hope of getting back to sleep 

I may ask if the dosage of the zimovaine can be increased 

As I am exhausted

I was speaking with my mother last night

She told me that I need to start taking better care of myself 

I guess this is true

I don't eat properly 

I purge 

This is all taking a toll on my body 

I just feel so fragile right now 

Like it wouldn't take a lot to bring me down for good 

Anyway

Christmas will be a chance to relax and rest 

And I'll do my best to stay healthy

I was wondering about you

How do you celebrate Christmas?

Maybe you don't celebrate at all

Do you have any traditions?

What do you eat on Christmas Day?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

The witching hour

It's early Tuesday morning here in hospital 

Before 5am

All the patients on my ward are sleeping soundly 

Making various different noises and grunts and groans 

One woman they have to move out of the ward at night 

As she is so very noisy

It's quiet though

All I can hear are the voices of the nurses in the distance

And the squeak of their sensible shoes on the tiled  corridor

Today is my third day in hospital

   

Yesterday was busy. 

I had an ultra sound scanin the morning 

In which they could see my pancreas was inflamed

Then I had an endoscopy done 

You know the one where the sedate you and send a little camera down your throat 

And have a look stout stomach and stomach lining 

By the time I got back to the ward. 

My parents were waiting for me in the day room

But I was still a bit out of it 

and couldn't even hold a conversation  with them 

Apparently 

At some stage  

I rang my sister 

 And just babbled down the phone To her  like a crazy person

The unfortunate thing is 

That I've been fasting since I came in 

Which means I have eaten since Saturday 

I am more than ready for some food

But part of the treatment for pancreatitis

Is to fast 

I swear I would give my left arm for tea and toast right now

My pain has changed more than lessened 

It now feels like a severe pulled muscle in my stomach

You know the kind where it's hard to move or get comfortable 

But I feel better

Not so much pain

Or at least it's pain I can bear

Edit: just saw my doctor this morning

My bloods are still bad 

And are in fact getting worse 

He asked me if I drink

As it's usually alcoholics that get pancreatitis

So I am still fasting 

This is day 4 with no food

But there is good news 

I'm allowed to have a cup of tea today!

And you know how much I love my tea...

It's the little things...

I must tell you about the staff here 

They really are lovely 

Some of them actually remembered me from last time which is nice

A nurses job is not easy 

They are being pulled in every direction

But they do their job with a smile 

And that makes all the difference 

Anyway 

That's all from me today 

I'm off to get my meds 

And try to get well

Take care my dear friends 

Hospital

As I type this

I am currently in a ward in my local hospital

After spending about 6 hours in A&E yesterday

I was finally moved to a bed at about 6 30pm

Why am I here?

Well 

Let me explain 

I woke up yesterday morning at about 8am

I noticed that I had a kind of gnawing pain in my upper abdomen 

I didn't pass too much heed on it though

As its usual for me to have aches and pains throughout the day

So

I carried on with my normal routine

I let the dogs out

Made a cuppa 

And settled down to write my blog

The pain persisted 

But I did my best to ignore it 

Even though I wasn't feeling too good

I still brought the dogs out for a walk

This was my first mistake 

And my second was not bringing my phone with me 

I walked for our usual 45 minutes 

And on my way back

I began to feel really unwell

The pain worsened

I was dizzy

My whole body felt heavy

And I really thought I was going to pass out 

I stopped walking

I had to 

And sat down at the side of the road  trying to get my strength back 

I wasn't too far from home 

But I might as well have been one hundred miles away I felt so bad

I swear I thought I'd never get home

I walked a few steps 

Then stopped

And that was my pattern the whole way back

Eventually

After what seemed like an eternity 

I got home 

I dragged myself in to the kitchen 

And sat on the nearest chair

Oh the relief to be home 

I explained to my sister what had happened

Then my mother

The first thing she asked me was if I thought it was another attack of pancreatitis 

I wasn't sure 

As the pain wasn't in the same place as last time

You might remember back in 2013

I had rather a nasty bout of pancreatitis 

And was in hospital for a week

But I just wasn't sure this time 

It being  a Sunday 

The only doctor we could find was over an hour away 

I spoke to the doctor myself

And she gave me the option of going to see her 

Or going straight to hospital 

I figured it would make more sense to go to our local hospital 

But even then 

I still wasn't convinced that it warranted me taking such action

My mother and sister weren't convinced though 

I was as white as a ghost 

And I couldn't sit up straight

I took my own blood pressure

It was just a little on the low side 

The last time my BP was in my boots

So around lunch time

My mum and I set off for the hospital 

The weather was freezing 

And all the way in i felt we were overreacting 

I guess I was down playing how much pain I was in though

We arrived in A&E about half an hour later 

I was glad to see there were only a couple of people in the waiting room

I registered 

And then sat down to wait 

A short while later 

The nurse called me in to assess me

He was lovely 

I explained my situation 

The previous bout of pancreatitis

And my history of ED and addiction

He to me that his sister works in a hospital in London

And he knows it's not an easy thing to get over

Which I thought was kind of him to say

Again

He took my temperature and BP

And was sent out to the waiting room again 

Not long after 

I was called in to A&E

A pretty nurse who was quite heavily pregnant sat with me in a cubicle

And asked me some more questions

I explained about my bulimia

How I had been doing well up until a few weeks ago

When I began to lose weight

And the purging increased

She suspected that I had torn my oesophagus or my stomach lining

She also said I was dehydrated 

She put a canula in

And gave me some pain relief 

It didn't touch the pain though 

Then I was brought over to radiography for an x-Ray

Which turned out to be clear 

They had taken some bloods earlier

And the nurse came back with the results 

It turned out that they suspected it was in fact my pancreas

As the amalyse in my blood was unusually high 

All the while 

The pain persisted 

And I just couldn't get comfortable 

So they brought out the big guns

And gave me some IV morphine

It spread like warm water all through my body

And brought some much welcome pain relief 

At this point my other sister came in 

She was shocked when she saw me 

I was in the kind of pain that you can't get comfortable no matter what way you sit or lie

A while later

I asked for some more pain relief 

Cue more morphine

At one point 

I heard the nurses talking about me

That I had a bed in one of the wards 

And shortly after that 

I was moved up to a ward 

I was glad to get here 

As I felt I could relax a little 

And settle down for the night

I'm in a ward with mainly elderly ladies

The woman in the bed beside me has been non stop talking since I arrived 

She is obviously confused

And keeps trying to go home 

At the moment she is singing an unidentifiable song on repeat 

I'm a bit worried about my meds though

Because sometimes there can be an issue with the methadone

But I guess I'll worry about that tomorrow

Since coming to the ward

I've had two injections for the pain

But the pain persists 

And I generally feel exhausted and weary

I also saw the registrar last evening 

He said this bout could be because of my meds

Exacerbated by my ED

But they're not entirely sure yet 

So they are keeping me under observation

My mum left soon after I got settled on the ward

My sister had been looking after the dogs

They knew something was up yesterday

I guess they could sense the stress

It's now 6 30am

And I've just been woken up to have a new bag of fluids fitted

I'm fasting as of yesterday

And I am absolutely famished 

It's going to be torture watching everyone eating their breakfast 

But hopefully it won't be long until I can eat and drink

 

Last night was tough 

I was in a lot of pain

And even though I was wrecked

I couldn't sleep

It's not very comfortable twisting and turning with pain like that

So I asked for a sleeping pill 

Which the nurse got straight away

And about an hour later 

I fell asleep

I'm not sure what today brings 

Tests I'm guessing 

And a scan 

I'm sure my family will be up too

I just wanted to let you know where I'm at 

As I've had a couple of emails from people wondering am I ok

I am

Or at least I will be