Downtown

I went in to town today

To do some last minute shopping

Collect bits and pieces

And generally try and get ready for Christmas 

I saw a girl with a gorgeous pinafore dress on the TV last week

I thought it would be lovely to wear on Christmas Day

Classy yet comfortable

So I went to all the usual suspect shops to try and find one

But to no avail

I did go through my wardrobe last night

And did find a grey cord pinafore from years ago

So that will have to do

We have a tradition in our house every Christmas 

That we all buy Christmas pyjamas

And this year is no different 

I love getting dressed up for the big day

But my favourite outfit of all is a pair of cost pyjamas

As for me 

I'm doing ok 

Still very pale 

And get tired very easily 

So I'm taking it easy

Lots of rest and relaxation is the order of the day 

I was on my way to meet my friend from treatment 

I was a bit early 

So I nipped in to the shoe shop beside it

There was a girl sitting down trying on shoes

Our eyes met

I recognised the face

But couldn't work out where i knew her from 

She said hello 

She seemed to know me

I walked towards her 

Then it hit me

It was a girl from my ward in hospital

The one I used to pal around with

I sat down and we hugged

And swapped numbers

Which was great as if really like to stay in touch with her

We said goodbye

And I headed off to meet my friend

This girl was in treatment with me

And we both happened to be from the same area

We've been firm friends since meeting back in 2013 

This girl has her own family

A husband 

Three boys 

A career 

And a busy social life

But we try to meet up every couple of weeks

Today was our third Christmas meeting up

We talked about treatment 

The girls 

The staff 

How much we've all changed

She said that I look very gaunt at the moment 

Which I do 

I know I'm very pale 

And a bit sickly looking 

At one point 

My friend got really emotional 

And we both shed a little tear

It was good to catch up though

Friends are so important 

As I type this 

I am sitting in my mothers car

With my mother and sister 

And the stupid car won't start 

It's raining 

It's windy 

There's a storm on the way 

And it's getting darker by the minute

We just rang AA

That's the automobile association

Not Alcoholics Anonymous 

And are waiting for them to come and save us 

Typical that this happens to us 

On one of the busiest shopping days of the year 

We can do nothing but wait 

So that's what we will do 

As ever 

I will keep you posted

And is anyone is near by with a jump lead 

Give me a shout.....

Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish all my readers a very happy Christmas and a prosperous new year!

And to thank you for your continued support through out 2015

It's been an eventful year to say the least

Many highs and lows 

And ups and downs

But that's life I guess

It's not a straight run

I know this time can be tough for us

If we are struggling with our EDs

Or other mental illness

Addiction

Bereavement 

Loneliness

Sickness 

I realise that I am more fortunate than most

I have a strong family around me

Who are my back bone 

My rock

My port in a storm 

And thankfully we are all in good health

Most of the time 

It wasn't always like this though 

Up until about 5 years ago 

Christmas in my house was utter bedlam

It was an excuse to get rotten drunk

Or out of it on some other substance

Inevitably there would be a family fight

And the whole thing would fall apart 

I can remember one Christmas 

When we all had to decamp to my sisters  apartment 

Because my father was on such a bender 

Thankfully 

Those days are in the distant past

We are having a quiet family Christmas this year 

With just my neighbour coming for dinner

Which I am grateful for 

As I don't think I could handle a big get together 

I am just glad to be clean and sober

And well enough to enjoy the holidays

As for my ED 

Well I probably don't need to tell you

It's difficult 

I don't know where I'm at

Somewhere in between my illness and recovery 

I have made some positive changes 

I am now eating breakfast, lunch and dinner at the table with my family 

Albeit small meals

But it's better than stuffing my face in front of the TV and then purging 

I am trying hard to find some balance in my life 

Allowing myself a bit of everything 

In moderation

I find this really challenging 

As I am an all or nothing type of person

All the drugs 

Or none of the drugs

All the food 

Or none of it

Also 

Eating and not purging is also a big hurdle for me

Sometimes I succeed in not purging

Sometimes I don't 

But I am trying 

God knows I am trying 

Anyway 

I really hope that you enjoy your Christmas 

Where ever you may be 

And how ever you celebrate

I am feeling very grateful 

For my family 

My dogs 

You my blogger family 

I'm hoping that 2016 will bring new opportunities 

That I will get back on track with my recovery 

And things improve for me a little 

Take care over the holidays

Keep loved ones close 

And most of all enjoy yourself! X

Gremlin

I don't know what the hell happened to blogger yesterday

It seems some kind of blogger gremlin ate twenty of my followers

I swear I was losing followers by the minute

At first I thought I had done or said something that caused people to unfollow me

But then other bloggers complained of the same thing 

I was glad it wasn't just me

And was a glitch in the system

Anyway

We won't worry about that

Those kind of problems are small fry

I am so very tired these days

And still very pale and a bit sickly looking

But I guess that's to be expected 

I have made changes though

I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with my family at the table 

And do my best to keep it down 

It doesn't always go as planned 

But the important thing is to keep trying 

I kind of feel like my body is fighting my mind at the moment 

My body wants to do the right thing

Eat well

Rest 

Moderate exercise 

But my mind craves oblivion 

Numbness 

Sleep 

I let my mind win for too long 

Now it's time to listen to my body 

To feed it 

Nourish it 

Look after it

Take care of it

God knows it needs it

My meds are the big issue though

As they have been blamed for my recent bout of illness 

So again

I've had to relinquish control of them 

And really stick to it

Today is Sunday 

And for the first time in probably years that I've had meds on a Sunday 

So that's good 

Progress me thinks 

That's all from me today folks 

I'm off to have a little nap 

Then have some lunch

See you on the next post....

What is happening?

I don't know what is happening

But I've lost 20 followers in the past few hours 

I don't know what I have done or said

Will someone please tell what is going on?

Alive and kicking!

Just a little photo post 

To show you that I am alive and kicking

Albeit a bit pale and wan

Lea is constantly by my side these days 

And Honey keeps an eye on things from her bed 

Hence why she is not in the photo

Happy Saturday!!

Home sweet home

I'm home 

Praise the Lord I am home

I was discharged yesterday at lunch time

My doctor came in the early morning

And told me that my bloods were almost back to normal

And I would be discharged that day

It was welcome news

Hospital life is fine for a while

But there's no place like home

All things were pointing to my being discharged 

I was allowed to eat a low fat diet

I was taken off the drip

I had no pain

And was generally feeling a lot better

And of course 

Hospitals don't tend to keep you one minute more than necessary 

So 

I packed up my little bag

Got dressed for the first time in almost a week 

And made sure to have a little chat with all the ladies before I went

They were especially nice on my ward

Ladies in for all kind of things from kidney stones to bladder problems 

We all bonded over cups of tea

And really looked out for each other 

I wished them all luck

Then went to the day room to wait to be formally discharged 

I was barely out of my bed before it was filled 

In fact there was a girl in the day room waiting for my bed 

They don't mess around in hospitals do they?

My Dad arrived to pick me up

And we continued to wait to speak with doctor and get my prescription

Even though I was feeling better

I still wasn't back to myself 

And was incredibly tired

I had to fight sleep sitting with my dad 

Eventually the doctor came

And spoke to both of us 

He explained that they thought the pancreatitis was as a result of being on my meds for so long

Exacerbated by my ED

And to stay well I needed to watch my diet 

Take it easy 

And maybe try and come off some of the meds 

We thanked the doctor

And made our way home 

There was a flurry of activity when I arrived home

The two workmen who did our kitchen were there 

And they gave me a racous welcome home

And of course Honey and Lea went beserk 

I've havent seen Honey move so fast since she was a puppy 

There were so many people in the house 

They didn't know who to go to first 

After sitting with them for a while 

I went and unpacked my bag 

And changed in to my pjs

And retreated to the couch with a cozy blanket 

Where I promptly fell asleep for the evening 

The rents thought that when I woke up was a good time to tackle me about my lifestyle 

I make no secret of the fact that I lead a very unhealthy life style

My food is nothing short of atrocious

I purge 

I don't get enough vitamins and minerals 

More often than not I am dehydrated 

And basically I am like a grown up child 

I eat what I want 

When I want 

And don't take my health in to consideration one jot

Heck, I only gave up smoking because of the inflated price of them

Not because of my health

I guess when you don't like yourself very much 

You don't really care about the health of your body 

You don't care if you live or die 

It makes no difference to me

But I really need to start taking proper care of myself

No more crisps

No more chocolate 

No more eating what I want 

And definitely no purging 

Which is going to be the toughest part I just know it 

I've also decided to stop weighing 

My scale is not that reliable 

But weighing yourself everyday

And recording it

Can not be healthy right?

Anyway

I don't need a scale to tell me I've lost weight

I just need to look in the mirror to see that 

Anyway

I'll just take it day by day 

I had no appointment with my doctor this morning 

But I rocked up and 9am anyway

And he saw me pretty quickly which I was grateful for 

I got my prescription

And headed to the chemist 

Where I am as I type this

This week has been a bit of an eye opener 

Change has to happen if I want to live 

And I do 

I really do 

As I always say 

Baby steps all the way

Day 5 in hospital

Yesterday I was feeling so much better

Still had pain 

But I could bear it without pain relief 

I was preparing for another foodless day

When my doctor came in to the ward to do his rounds

I swear he barely stays a second at my bed

He starts talking as he's walking towards the bed 

And barely even stops 

Before zoom....

He's gone again

Anyway 

He gave me the good news that I could eat a little yesterday 

I was over the freakin' moon

I mean I got so excited at the prospect of a cup of proper  tea and some toast slathered in butter 

Breakfast was over so the student nurse went and got me said items

I made the tea and tasted it

It was hot and sweet

And when down my throat like honey

Then buttered the toast

It was a little cold 

But I didn't care 

It was still the most delicious thing

I'm on a low fat diet

As apparently fat agrevates the pancreas

That's going to go well....

The afternoon went by in a blur

I had been awake since 4 30am

So by the time I took my meds 

I was starting to nod 

It was funny because all my room mates were telling me to lie down

Then my sister rang me

And I fell asleep 

And dropped the phone in the middle of the conversation

I woke up again

All I could here was 'Hello? Hello?'

I didn't know where the voice was coming from 

And then realised it was my phone

Very funny

My Dad came in the afternoon

And we sat in the day room 

He is taking this admission very seriously 

And gave me quite the serious lecture about changing my ways 

My food 

My daily routine 

Meds 

The whole kit and kubudle

I know

I don't need to be told 

Some things gotta give

And it did 

At lunch time I had a ham sandwich and tea 

As hospital sandwiches go

It was decent enough

Enough so for me to wolf it down

By this stage I was off my drip

And thank God 

Because it was such hassle bringing it with me everywhere I went

The doctor also said that I might get home today or tomorrow

Which was super duper news

It's Thursday morning now

And I am just waiting for my doctor to come around 

I guess it will depend on my bloods

And how high the amylase in my blood is 

It has been coming down since yesterday 

So I am hoping for some good results

Hospital stays are not that enjoyable

Especially if you are really ill and in pain

The thing that eases that discomfort are the positivity and kindness of the nurses

And the generosity of the other ladies in the ward with me

Anyone who has been in my room has been lovely 

And we all look after each other 

Which is nice 

So 

I will update again later 

To let you know if I get home or not 

I mean time 

I hope you are enjoying the run up to the holidays

It doesn't feel much like Christmas in here at all

Cross your fingers that I get home.....