December 28th 2015

I must say

We had a lovely Christmas 

It was quiet 

Low key

Informal 

Just me

My parents 

Sister no 1 and sister no 2

And my 15 year old nephew

Dinner itself was fine

And over dessert we had a very interesting conversation about constipation and diarrhoea 

Only in my family.....

As you know 

My parents separated about 15 years ago

My Dad lives about an hour away 

He comes to stAy with us regularly 

And spent a few nights here over Christmas 

It really is quite the revelation that my family can all spend time together never mind the whole of Christmas 

Growing up 

Christmas was not a good time 

Much alcohol and drugs were taken 

It always ended in tears 

Since we moved here ten years ago

My mother has declared it an alcohol and drug free zone 

Which is great as everyone is clear when they come here 

They must behave 

So yes 

Christmas this year was lovely 

My dad stayed until yesterday

It always seems 

That when my dad goes home

He texts us the things that he would have really liked to say to us 

I got a text last night thanking me for a lovely few days 

And to give the dogs a hug from him 

Mum got a text saying thanks and that there is a lot of love in our house

My mum and I worried that he had been drinking before he sent those texts

But I am fairly confident that he knows that if he drinks 

He loses all of us 

The whole family 

So I'm hoping and praying that he isn't

The next week or so will be busy 

Relations coming to stay 

Our house transforms over night from a quiet country home

To grand central station 

My Auntie B is coming on Saturday

And my uncle and nephew are coming in a couple of days 

Also my sisters partner will be with us for the new year 

I'm only making one New Years resolution

And that is to save money 

Rather than spend it 

Apart from that 

I am not really making any 

But that could change too

I was wondering about you

Are you making any resolutions this new year?

Christmas Photos

Every year at Christmas

We do secret Santa

So everyone buys for someone 

And there is a limit of €50

I was buying for sister no 1 this year

I got her some really good body lotion

And moisturiser 

My Dad was buying for me 

He got me an apron with dogs on

A diary with dogs on

Some soap and socks from Avoca

Those of which you can see below in the photos 

In other news 

I have neither lost or gained weight over the holidays 

Yes

I Am weighing 

But it's to make sure I don't slip in to the underweight category more than anything else

My Dad told me that if I lose anymore weight

He will be really angry with me

I kniw that I am just on the verge of a very bad relapse 

And am doing my best to not let that happen 

St. Stephens Day

Its  the day after Christmas Day here in Ireland

Some of you may know it as Boxing Day

Or the day after the night before

We are all having a chilled day here

After the hustle and bustle of yesterday 

I was the first one up Christmas morning 

I got the dogs out of bed

Let them outside 

And went to wake up the rest 

Mum was up next 

So we opened our presents 

I got some lovely gifts

Avoca soap and socks 

An apron with dogs on

And a diary also with dogs on

My family know me well

After the present opening

My mum and I went to 9 30am mass

Which I slept through 

But what I did hear of it was lovely 

Then we came home 

And the rest of the family emerged 

The dogs werent forgotten either

And in total got three stockings between them with toys and treats 

Dinner was a joint effort 

Although my sister really did most of it 

And what a delicious meal it was 

Turkey and ham

Roast potatoes as well as boiled

Carrot and parsnip mash

Stuffing 

Gravy

And of course Brussels sprouts

Christmas dinner would not be the same without them 

I did my best with dinner 

And ate a small plate

I did purge though 

I have to be honest about that

For dessert 

We had the most delicious apple crumble with cinnamon

With lashings of custard

Absolute heaven in a bowl...

Dinner was lovely 

It was just the six of us

Low key and quiet

Just the way that I like it

No fuss 

No drama 

No alcohol

No fighting 

Just me and my family

And of course Honey and Lea

Who also had a Christmas dinner 

We had a lovely meal

We tAlked 

Laughed 

Joked 

We all got on

All made the effort to be sociable

Even though we might not all agree about everything 

We all put our differences aside 

And shared a lovely meal together 

Today is a quiet day 

My dad and I brought Lea for a walk this morning :

Honey elected to stay in bed 

I dont blame her though

Today I am feeling very grateful

To have a roof over my head

Food in the fridge

Clothes on my back

They say that happiness is not having what you want

It's wanting what you have 

I hope you had a lovely peaceful Christmas 

I hope you enjoyed it 

Rather than endured it🎇

Lea's new coat!

It being Christmas 

I haven't forgotten about Honey and Lea

I've been wanting to buy them coats this winter

As the weather has been God bloody awful

I finally made it to the pet store yesterday

And after I stocked up on dogfood

I had a look at the doggie coats

I immediately found one for Lea

A very fetching navy and red one

And only €14

Honey proved harder though

I couldn't find one in her size

Ie one big enough to go around her big belly 

And anyway

Honey is not a great fan of you putting things on her

When she saw me putting the coat on Lea

She ran into her bed thinking she was next

Anyway

Next down the cat walk is Lea!

Lea is a 10 year old golden retriever

Lea live with honey and Ruby 

And she loves swimming and her tummy being rubbed

Lea is sporting a fleece lined navy weather beater 

Doesn't she look beautiful....

Downtown

I went in to town today

To do some last minute shopping

Collect bits and pieces

And generally try and get ready for Christmas 

I saw a girl with a gorgeous pinafore dress on the TV last week

I thought it would be lovely to wear on Christmas Day

Classy yet comfortable

So I went to all the usual suspect shops to try and find one

But to no avail

I did go through my wardrobe last night

And did find a grey cord pinafore from years ago

So that will have to do

We have a tradition in our house every Christmas 

That we all buy Christmas pyjamas

And this year is no different 

I love getting dressed up for the big day

But my favourite outfit of all is a pair of cost pyjamas

As for me 

I'm doing ok 

Still very pale 

And get tired very easily 

So I'm taking it easy

Lots of rest and relaxation is the order of the day 

I was on my way to meet my friend from treatment 

I was a bit early 

So I nipped in to the shoe shop beside it

There was a girl sitting down trying on shoes

Our eyes met

I recognised the face

But couldn't work out where i knew her from 

She said hello 

She seemed to know me

I walked towards her 

Then it hit me

It was a girl from my ward in hospital

The one I used to pal around with

I sat down and we hugged

And swapped numbers

Which was great as if really like to stay in touch with her

We said goodbye

And I headed off to meet my friend

This girl was in treatment with me

And we both happened to be from the same area

We've been firm friends since meeting back in 2013 

This girl has her own family

A husband 

Three boys 

A career 

And a busy social life

But we try to meet up every couple of weeks

Today was our third Christmas meeting up

We talked about treatment 

The girls 

The staff 

How much we've all changed

She said that I look very gaunt at the moment 

Which I do 

I know I'm very pale 

And a bit sickly looking 

At one point 

My friend got really emotional 

And we both shed a little tear

It was good to catch up though

Friends are so important 

As I type this 

I am sitting in my mothers car

With my mother and sister 

And the stupid car won't start 

It's raining 

It's windy 

There's a storm on the way 

And it's getting darker by the minute

We just rang AA

That's the automobile association

Not Alcoholics Anonymous 

And are waiting for them to come and save us 

Typical that this happens to us 

On one of the busiest shopping days of the year 

We can do nothing but wait 

So that's what we will do 

As ever 

I will keep you posted

And is anyone is near by with a jump lead 

Give me a shout.....

Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish all my readers a very happy Christmas and a prosperous new year!

And to thank you for your continued support through out 2015

It's been an eventful year to say the least

Many highs and lows 

And ups and downs

But that's life I guess

It's not a straight run

I know this time can be tough for us

If we are struggling with our EDs

Or other mental illness

Addiction

Bereavement 

Loneliness

Sickness 

I realise that I am more fortunate than most

I have a strong family around me

Who are my back bone 

My rock

My port in a storm 

And thankfully we are all in good health

Most of the time 

It wasn't always like this though 

Up until about 5 years ago 

Christmas in my house was utter bedlam

It was an excuse to get rotten drunk

Or out of it on some other substance

Inevitably there would be a family fight

And the whole thing would fall apart 

I can remember one Christmas 

When we all had to decamp to my sisters  apartment 

Because my father was on such a bender 

Thankfully 

Those days are in the distant past

We are having a quiet family Christmas this year 

With just my neighbour coming for dinner

Which I am grateful for 

As I don't think I could handle a big get together 

I am just glad to be clean and sober

And well enough to enjoy the holidays

As for my ED 

Well I probably don't need to tell you

It's difficult 

I don't know where I'm at

Somewhere in between my illness and recovery 

I have made some positive changes 

I am now eating breakfast, lunch and dinner at the table with my family 

Albeit small meals

But it's better than stuffing my face in front of the TV and then purging 

I am trying hard to find some balance in my life 

Allowing myself a bit of everything 

In moderation

I find this really challenging 

As I am an all or nothing type of person

All the drugs 

Or none of the drugs

All the food 

Or none of it

Also 

Eating and not purging is also a big hurdle for me

Sometimes I succeed in not purging

Sometimes I don't 

But I am trying 

God knows I am trying 

Anyway 

I really hope that you enjoy your Christmas 

Where ever you may be 

And how ever you celebrate

I am feeling very grateful 

For my family 

My dogs 

You my blogger family 

I'm hoping that 2016 will bring new opportunities 

That I will get back on track with my recovery 

And things improve for me a little 

Take care over the holidays

Keep loved ones close 

And most of all enjoy yourself! X

Gremlin

I don't know what the hell happened to blogger yesterday

It seems some kind of blogger gremlin ate twenty of my followers

I swear I was losing followers by the minute

At first I thought I had done or said something that caused people to unfollow me

But then other bloggers complained of the same thing 

I was glad it wasn't just me

And was a glitch in the system

Anyway

We won't worry about that

Those kind of problems are small fry

I am so very tired these days

And still very pale and a bit sickly looking

But I guess that's to be expected 

I have made changes though

I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with my family at the table 

And do my best to keep it down 

It doesn't always go as planned 

But the important thing is to keep trying 

I kind of feel like my body is fighting my mind at the moment 

My body wants to do the right thing

Eat well

Rest 

Moderate exercise 

But my mind craves oblivion 

Numbness 

Sleep 

I let my mind win for too long 

Now it's time to listen to my body 

To feed it 

Nourish it 

Look after it

Take care of it

God knows it needs it

My meds are the big issue though

As they have been blamed for my recent bout of illness 

So again

I've had to relinquish control of them 

And really stick to it

Today is Sunday 

And for the first time in probably years that I've had meds on a Sunday 

So that's good 

Progress me thinks 

That's all from me today folks 

I'm off to have a little nap 

Then have some lunch

See you on the next post....